Wow, been almost three months since I last put up a post on here. Sorry for the slacking but I just wasn't all that motivated, as slow times at work lead to me becoming increasingly lazy, which in turn leads me to spending most afternoons and evenings sitting on my couch or in my bed, watching Tivo'd episodes of House.
This is a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is that I am getting very well rested (like a bear "rests" in the Winter) for the upcoming swimming pool season. The bad thing is that if you watch enough episodes of House, you start to believe that perhaps you may have one of the conditions on the show. I'm lethargic. I get a headache on occassion. My throat's a little scratchy. My arm itches. Oh crap, I have sarcoidosis!!! Have you ever watched House? Everyone on that show at some point is believed to have sarcoidosis. Is this a common ailment? I almost didn't believe it was a real illness until I just googled it to make sure I spelled it right. And crap, I have sarcoidosis!!!
In any case, you watch enough sick people and it makes you decide perhaps it's best you get somebody to look at you, just in case. So, I checked my records to see when my last physical was (i.e. thought about it) and it looks like I haven't been in for a physical since July...of 1995.
Let's see, since then, I went to college, drank more alcohol than water for four years, ate lunch and dinner regularly in a fraternity house for three years, lived with some bizarre roommates, including a crazy German girl and a drunk, visited numerous Caribbean islands and Mexico (twice!!), tredged through sludge on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, woke up next to numerous suspect women, bummed some random drugs off a complete stranger at a concert, handled "hazardous" chemicals for 10 years, had surgery to reset a broken jaw, ate Chinese food or sushi at least twice a week for 8 years, bought a dog, and walked around in Pittsburgh. If you don't see some red flags in that list, then I think you need to evaluate exactly when was the last time YOU had a physical.
So, I decided it was time to schedule my doctor's appointment, since three Presidents have been in office since I last had a physical. And last Thursday, I followed through on my appointment and made my way to the doctor's office for my physical.
First off, I don't have a "regular" doctor, so I went to the doctor that my parents go to. She's very nice and I actually went to see her about 5 years ago when I got a rash on my stomach. My stomach!! (Don't judge me, I'm not lying. I work by pools, it's a moist area. Whatever, screw you.) Unfortunately, this doctor has switched over the years from general family practice to predominantly OB/GYN. So I park my car, walk on in and sign my name on the sign in sheet. The girl behind the counter finds my file and comments that I haven't been there in 5 years (good thing she doesn't know how long it's been since my last physical) and I fill out some paper work since my address and info. have changed since then.
Meanwhile, a young girl (maybe 16) and her mom walk in, as does a second woman in her 40s. So there we are sitting in the waiting room, plenty of Vogue and Cosmo magazines to go around, waiting for our names to be called. It is during this wonderful, not awkward in the least moment, that I see the girl lean over to her mom and ask why I'm there. It's a small waiting room and I'm like five feet from her, did she really think I wouldn't hear??? Thankfully, I'm saved from this awkwardness by the nurse calling my name and I make my way to the back.
After a quick trip to the scale (weighing in at 189...less than a hibernating bear, so I'm feeling good), we're in the examination room and she's taking my blood pressure and temperature. She tells me my blood pressure is a little high, but I'm gonna blame that on the girl in the waiting room, and then the nurse gets up to leave. She hands me a robe and a blanket and tells me to take off all my clothes and put these on. This is a move I'm wondering why I never tried with the ladies back in the day. "Yeah, I'm gonna head to the bathroom real quick. Why don't you just take off all your clothes and put this on. It'll make things a lot easier when I get back. Bras can sometimes confuse me after a night of drinking."
Within minutes, my bare ass is sitting on the table with this table cloth loosely draped over me, and in walks the doctor. She goes through your typical questions and background crap, taps my knee with the hammer, listens to my chest, looks up my nose and in my ears, and with the grace of a pro, pulls out the table extender and asks me to lay down and turn on my side.
Ah crap. I knew this one was coming. After a brief description of the likelihood of prostate cancer developing in men, some dinner, a glass of wine, and some Barry White playing in the background, she checks my prostate mid-sentence, as if nothing has changed. Uh, lady, your finger is up my ass and you're asking me about swimming pools. I think I'll wait this one out before I answer this question for fear of developing a connection between the two and pooping myself everytime I visit a client's house.
Having never been a part of a gynechological exam, I can only imagine that it must be a real chatty affair with her hands all up in there. "Oh, how are the kids?" "Just great." "And your husband? Still busy at work?" "Oh, you know Steve." "Ha, ha." But I digress.
So, we get that all wrapped up and move on to the ball grabbingly great hernia and testicle examination. I swear I called a doctor, not a hooker. She asks me a few more questions, I mention that my arms go numb when I sleep with them above my head (apparently that's not normal), and she makes me an appointment for an MRI. She also schedules a standard blood test, so after no visits for 14 years, I'm already penciled in for two more in two weeks. Grand.
I get dressed and make my way out of the examination room. And as I make my exit, and the nurse jokingly says that I should come by a bit more often, I reply, "Oh yeah, I'll see you again in about 10 years."
She laughed.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Crazy Bitch
As I mentioned a couple posts ago, this past weekend I took Danielle to go see the Wizard of Oz, which was showing at the Warner Theater. I also bought my older brother and his wife tickets and we all got together and had dinner at Tenpenh in DC beforehand.
Overall, the food was great and the performance was OK. The show was obviously tailoring to a broad audience, and having just gotten back from Disney World, I was kind of sick of the child-friendly performances, but I can't complain. There were a few new things that differed from the movie I remembered, including the poppies (the flowers that make Dorothy fall asleep) having their own dance number, and the Wicked Witch referring to her servant guards as winkies. This was humorous to me as that was the term we used instead of "penis" back when I was a kid...and they were wearing round purple helmets. he he. I know, I'm basically twelve.
In any case, that was probably the "dirtiest" moment of the evening up til that point, so I was having some good old fashioned wholesome fun.
And then Danielle and I left the company of my brother and his wife to continue our evening at Rocket Bar for my friend's birthday. And that's when the G-rated evening ended and the R-rated moment occurred.
If you've never been to Rocket Bar, it's a relatively large, though somewhat hidden sports bar in Gallery Place, across the street from Verizon Center. It's a good place to get drinks, play shuffleboard, play pool, and watch random chicks rub themselves while singing a song that's playing on the jukebox. Wait...what!!???
Yep, so we've been there for about an hour before I go to grab a second (or fourth...who's counting) round of drinks. As I'm making my way to the bar, the last song ends and "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry starts playing. I'm a big fan of this particular song...and apparently so is this chick at the end of the bar.
As I'm waiting for the bartender I glance over to see this girl kneeling on the bar stool next to a guy (her boyfriend/man of the evening?) gyrating up and down while singing along and rubbing all over her stomach and chest like a stripper. Mind you, she's got all her clothes on, but she has a tight shirt and big boobs, so not much is left to the imagination. What makes this such a priceless moment is the fact that she is singing along to this song. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, here's an excerpt of the most often repeated lines:
Hey, you're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it.
When I dream, I'm doing you all night.
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on.
It always amazes me how women love songs that denegrate women, and will sing along to them as well. I remember when I was in college, playing DJ at my fraternity parties, and one of the songs that would get the biggest reaction of cheers from the women was "Gimme that Nut" by Easy-E. I swear to god. Women would be screaming like it was freakin "Dancing Queen" or some shit, all the while singing along to such memorable lines as:
Now my dick's on hard ya know what I'm thinkin'
Took tha panties off and the pussy wasn't stinkin'
and:
Okay back back to the fuckin' basics
You got yours and mine ya want tah taste it
Open wide oh no don't 'cha waste it
Oh shit all over ya face kid
I'm pretty sure if that song had come on, this girl at the end of the bar would have been all over it and likely would have taken her top off and swung it 'round her head (like a helicopter) as well. It didn't, and I grabbed my drinks and left, happy to have seen not one, but two shows this particular evening.
One starring a wicked witch, and one starring a crazy bitch. But they both probably ended with some happy winkies.
Overall, the food was great and the performance was OK. The show was obviously tailoring to a broad audience, and having just gotten back from Disney World, I was kind of sick of the child-friendly performances, but I can't complain. There were a few new things that differed from the movie I remembered, including the poppies (the flowers that make Dorothy fall asleep) having their own dance number, and the Wicked Witch referring to her servant guards as winkies. This was humorous to me as that was the term we used instead of "penis" back when I was a kid...and they were wearing round purple helmets. he he. I know, I'm basically twelve.
In any case, that was probably the "dirtiest" moment of the evening up til that point, so I was having some good old fashioned wholesome fun.
And then Danielle and I left the company of my brother and his wife to continue our evening at Rocket Bar for my friend's birthday. And that's when the G-rated evening ended and the R-rated moment occurred.
If you've never been to Rocket Bar, it's a relatively large, though somewhat hidden sports bar in Gallery Place, across the street from Verizon Center. It's a good place to get drinks, play shuffleboard, play pool, and watch random chicks rub themselves while singing a song that's playing on the jukebox. Wait...what!!???
Yep, so we've been there for about an hour before I go to grab a second (or fourth...who's counting) round of drinks. As I'm making my way to the bar, the last song ends and "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry starts playing. I'm a big fan of this particular song...and apparently so is this chick at the end of the bar.
As I'm waiting for the bartender I glance over to see this girl kneeling on the bar stool next to a guy (her boyfriend/man of the evening?) gyrating up and down while singing along and rubbing all over her stomach and chest like a stripper. Mind you, she's got all her clothes on, but she has a tight shirt and big boobs, so not much is left to the imagination. What makes this such a priceless moment is the fact that she is singing along to this song. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, here's an excerpt of the most often repeated lines:
Hey, you're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it.
When I dream, I'm doing you all night.
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on.
It always amazes me how women love songs that denegrate women, and will sing along to them as well. I remember when I was in college, playing DJ at my fraternity parties, and one of the songs that would get the biggest reaction of cheers from the women was "Gimme that Nut" by Easy-E. I swear to god. Women would be screaming like it was freakin "Dancing Queen" or some shit, all the while singing along to such memorable lines as:
Now my dick's on hard ya know what I'm thinkin'
Took tha panties off and the pussy wasn't stinkin'
and:
Okay back back to the fuckin' basics
You got yours and mine ya want tah taste it
Open wide oh no don't 'cha waste it
Oh shit all over ya face kid
I'm pretty sure if that song had come on, this girl at the end of the bar would have been all over it and likely would have taken her top off and swung it 'round her head (like a helicopter) as well. It didn't, and I grabbed my drinks and left, happy to have seen not one, but two shows this particular evening.
One starring a wicked witch, and one starring a crazy bitch. But they both probably ended with some happy winkies.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Stock in Curry
These are tough financial times we're living in. Many banks have been bought up, including my bank, Chevy Chase, which just got bought by Capital One; stocks dropped at alarming rates and continue to show no signs of recovery. The housing market is in shambles. And unemployment is rising to points not seen in over 30 years.
And so too, is the J-Man seeing these problems at home. My stocks in my retirement and savings funds have dropped almost 40% this year. My savings account APY is down to like 1%. ING Direct isn't doing me much better. My house just got reappraised for 2% lower than what I paid for it 4 years ago (and I'm actually thankful it was only that). And at work, I had to lay off more guys than usual for fear that business may drop off next Spring.
So in times like these, where should we be putting our money?...in Stephen Curry. While all these other investments are dropping or barely gaining, the money in my sportsbook.com account has increased by 1300% since March, mostly on the back of Davidson basketball and Steph Curry. And just yesterday, as Curry lead the Davidson Wildcats past WVU in the Jimmy V Classic in NYC, my "portfolio" increased over 9%. Why do the odds makers continue to undervalue this stock?
Davidson was ranked 22nd coming into the game, West Virginia was not ranked. Curry is the top scorer in the nation despite not scoring in the retarded defense game against Loyola (MD). And Davidson was a 2-point underdog?! The money line was paying +110, meaning for every $100 you bet, if Davidson wins, you win $110. Seemed like a no-brainer. Like asking an ugly chick if she wants to go home with you at 2 AM. Or asking your fat friend if he wants to grab McDonalds.
Now, don't get me wrong, I was cursing at the TV as Curry fired up brick after brick early on, but what any good investor will tell you is, don't look at a stock during the day, it's gonna go up and down. You're in it for the long haul. And the long haul ended with Davidson, and Curry, coming back, dazzling everyone with some clutch threes, and pulling out a 3-point win.
This is probably how those dirty people I see wandering around Atlantic City get started, but Curry hasn't let me down thusfar. Relax, I'm not gonna throw all my money into Davidson bets and end up like them. But for now, there's no better bet out there than Steph Curry. Man, that kid is good.
Next up, Chattanooga...I'm guessing we'll be 14 point favorites. I'll take that.
And so too, is the J-Man seeing these problems at home. My stocks in my retirement and savings funds have dropped almost 40% this year. My savings account APY is down to like 1%. ING Direct isn't doing me much better. My house just got reappraised for 2% lower than what I paid for it 4 years ago (and I'm actually thankful it was only that). And at work, I had to lay off more guys than usual for fear that business may drop off next Spring.
So in times like these, where should we be putting our money?...in Stephen Curry. While all these other investments are dropping or barely gaining, the money in my sportsbook.com account has increased by 1300% since March, mostly on the back of Davidson basketball and Steph Curry. And just yesterday, as Curry lead the Davidson Wildcats past WVU in the Jimmy V Classic in NYC, my "portfolio" increased over 9%. Why do the odds makers continue to undervalue this stock?
Davidson was ranked 22nd coming into the game, West Virginia was not ranked. Curry is the top scorer in the nation despite not scoring in the retarded defense game against Loyola (MD). And Davidson was a 2-point underdog?! The money line was paying +110, meaning for every $100 you bet, if Davidson wins, you win $110. Seemed like a no-brainer. Like asking an ugly chick if she wants to go home with you at 2 AM. Or asking your fat friend if he wants to grab McDonalds.
Now, don't get me wrong, I was cursing at the TV as Curry fired up brick after brick early on, but what any good investor will tell you is, don't look at a stock during the day, it's gonna go up and down. You're in it for the long haul. And the long haul ended with Davidson, and Curry, coming back, dazzling everyone with some clutch threes, and pulling out a 3-point win.
This is probably how those dirty people I see wandering around Atlantic City get started, but Curry hasn't let me down thusfar. Relax, I'm not gonna throw all my money into Davidson bets and end up like them. But for now, there's no better bet out there than Steph Curry. Man, that kid is good.
Next up, Chattanooga...I'm guessing we'll be 14 point favorites. I'll take that.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Changes for the Holidays
There's a strange phenomenon that occurs as you get older around the Holidays. The status quo of family getting together for Thanksgiving and Christmas doesn't stay as the status quo any longer. Over the past few years, these two Holidays vaguely resemble the Holidays that I remember as a child growing up. Instead of my parents, my grandmother, and my brothers gathered around a Thanksgiving table or in my parent's living room opening the slew of presents my grandmother usually brings, there's someone missing.
This past Thanksgiving, my older brother and his wife were in Massachusetts. My younger brother and his fiance were in attendance, but only after the pleading of my mother. Last Thanksgiving, I was down in St. Kitts with Jaclyn, and now Christmas is up for a giant overhaul this year.
You see, the past three years, my older brother and his wife have celebrated Christmas with her family, as they have experienced the losses of her father and brother over this same time, and it just seemed right for them to be with the remaining family. Not wanting to miss out on Christmas all together, they would put together a pseudo-Christmas a couple of days beforehand, have the rest of the family over, cook a dinner, open just their presents and give out all the presents they had bought.
That was once again their plan for this year. But now my younger brother has indicated that he and his fiance will be at her family's place in Dunkirk for most of Christmas day. That would leave a four person Christmas as my parent's house. Not quite the merriest of times.
However, this is to be expected. As a half-Jewish family, Christmas has been of slightly less significance than it would be for my brother's wives' families, who are Catholic. When push comes to shove, they've got the trump card...his name is Jesus.
But I think this is the case for all families. At some point, a transition must be made. Hell, my grandmother comes to my parent's house every year. At some point, a shift occurred from having it at her house, like my mother had done since she was a child. But now it's a bit more complicated, because there are three sons involved, instead of one daughter. And of course, there's my dad, who's Jewish, and wants no part of Christmas from a religious standpoint.
So, what can be done?
We're moving Christmas.
Yes, sorry, Jesus. I know you were born on December 25 and all (at least that's what I think is the case...I was raised Jewish), but that just doesn't quite work into our schedule. How about we squeeze you in on the 21st? You see, I don't want to give up my Saturday night, so let's shoot for a Sunday?
Obviously, my grandmother is having fits over this, but here's the reality of it. Christmas for my family has been about getting everyone together. We don't sing Christmas Carols. We don't say prayers or go to church. We don't even mention Jesus.
However, we do open presents at a feverish pace, climaxing with all the men collapsing on the couch with piles of wrapping paper strewn everywhere, dogs fighting over their new chewies, and my grandmother going on and on about how we're tough to buy for now, and we can return anything if we don't like it, as she's left the gift receipts in the boxes. Then we eat pigs in a blanket, watch basketball, and eventually gather for a dinner highlighted by a Honey Baked Ham. (Yes, ham...I told you, we're half Jewish)
So, if that's what we do, let's just do it on a different day, so that everyone can be a part of it.
And that's our plan. So, on December 21, while you're sitting at home watching the NFL on TV like it's any other Sunday, or en route to your own parents' house for the holidays, we'll be making a mess of my house (yeah, we're switching venues too...it's closer for my brothers and I've got a real tree we just decorated on Friday), yelling at dogs, and eating two separate products made of meat from a pig. All the while, saying Merry Christmas.
Yeah, it'll be the wrong day, but for the first time in a couple years, with all my family there, it may just feel like the way I remembered it.
And then I'll light the menorah for the first night of Hannukah, send my grandma into a fit of anger, sparking an argument with my dad, and my mom will start crying.
Yep, sounds like Christmas.
This past Thanksgiving, my older brother and his wife were in Massachusetts. My younger brother and his fiance were in attendance, but only after the pleading of my mother. Last Thanksgiving, I was down in St. Kitts with Jaclyn, and now Christmas is up for a giant overhaul this year.
You see, the past three years, my older brother and his wife have celebrated Christmas with her family, as they have experienced the losses of her father and brother over this same time, and it just seemed right for them to be with the remaining family. Not wanting to miss out on Christmas all together, they would put together a pseudo-Christmas a couple of days beforehand, have the rest of the family over, cook a dinner, open just their presents and give out all the presents they had bought.
That was once again their plan for this year. But now my younger brother has indicated that he and his fiance will be at her family's place in Dunkirk for most of Christmas day. That would leave a four person Christmas as my parent's house. Not quite the merriest of times.
However, this is to be expected. As a half-Jewish family, Christmas has been of slightly less significance than it would be for my brother's wives' families, who are Catholic. When push comes to shove, they've got the trump card...his name is Jesus.
But I think this is the case for all families. At some point, a transition must be made. Hell, my grandmother comes to my parent's house every year. At some point, a shift occurred from having it at her house, like my mother had done since she was a child. But now it's a bit more complicated, because there are three sons involved, instead of one daughter. And of course, there's my dad, who's Jewish, and wants no part of Christmas from a religious standpoint.
So, what can be done?
We're moving Christmas.
Yes, sorry, Jesus. I know you were born on December 25 and all (at least that's what I think is the case...I was raised Jewish), but that just doesn't quite work into our schedule. How about we squeeze you in on the 21st? You see, I don't want to give up my Saturday night, so let's shoot for a Sunday?
Obviously, my grandmother is having fits over this, but here's the reality of it. Christmas for my family has been about getting everyone together. We don't sing Christmas Carols. We don't say prayers or go to church. We don't even mention Jesus.
However, we do open presents at a feverish pace, climaxing with all the men collapsing on the couch with piles of wrapping paper strewn everywhere, dogs fighting over their new chewies, and my grandmother going on and on about how we're tough to buy for now, and we can return anything if we don't like it, as she's left the gift receipts in the boxes. Then we eat pigs in a blanket, watch basketball, and eventually gather for a dinner highlighted by a Honey Baked Ham. (Yes, ham...I told you, we're half Jewish)
So, if that's what we do, let's just do it on a different day, so that everyone can be a part of it.
And that's our plan. So, on December 21, while you're sitting at home watching the NFL on TV like it's any other Sunday, or en route to your own parents' house for the holidays, we'll be making a mess of my house (yeah, we're switching venues too...it's closer for my brothers and I've got a real tree we just decorated on Friday), yelling at dogs, and eating two separate products made of meat from a pig. All the while, saying Merry Christmas.
Yeah, it'll be the wrong day, but for the first time in a couple years, with all my family there, it may just feel like the way I remembered it.
And then I'll light the menorah for the first night of Hannukah, send my grandma into a fit of anger, sparking an argument with my dad, and my mom will start crying.
Yep, sounds like Christmas.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Brain Farts 14
I'm being completely unmotivated to write on my blog recently, and now that I've started going to the gym again (we'll see how long this lasts), I've got a new pasttime to kill my energy. In any case, if I'm gonna keep my writing fluids flowing so that one day I can write that book I've been working on since 1999, I've gotta keep it going. And speaking of fluids flowing, why not a spattering of crap in my typical form...the Brain Farts. Not quite the full shit, but still entertaining.
- So, as some of you were aware, Danielle and I went to Disney World two weekends ago. She has tons of friends down there since she lived there for 4 years and worked at the park. Needless to say, the benefits of this, and the fact that Danielle is still technically considered an employee of Disney were outstanding. We stayed at the Disney Boardwalk hotel for 1/2 price. Entered the parks for free. Got discounts on all the food and merchandise. And still stood in crappy lines like everyone else. Well, guess you can't get everything...I ain't complaining. Just remember, the week prior to Thanksgiving is apparently a week parents aren't afraid to take their kids out of school for.
- A couple weeks ago I saw a pickup truck leaving the Home Depot parking lot with probably 10 Spanish people in it. For those of you not aware, you can pick up day laborers in the Home Depot parking lot in Silver Spring. There's also a bunch on Little River Turnpike, down by where I have my bowling league in Falls Church (got some great stories about some run-ins with these guys). In any case, it was during this last spectacle that I came up with this epiphany: Pick-up trucks are the clown cars of the Spanish. (Yes, I'm going to hell)
- I just found the greatest bread I've ever bought from a grocery store. It was at Harris Teeter in Rockville, and it's called the Rosemary Olive Oil Round. It is amazing. There is no joke here...it was just a really good bread, so I bought a loaf and soon I will eat it all with the dipping oils I got from the Food & Entertainment show from a few weeks back.
- My PS3 is still broken because I am unwilling to give in to the fact that I have to pay for a repair within the 1st year of owning because I threw away the receipt. Fuck you Sony. I hope all your crappy shit goes the way of BETA tapes.
- I was out at Union Jacks last Friday with my buddy Dave and we came upon a large group of people there celebrating their 5 year reunion. They were from the Churchill class of 2003. The high school class of 2003 was celebrating their 5 year reunion!! At a bar!!! 2003!!! I felt like Matthew McConaughey in "Dazed and Confused", which BTW, came out when these kids were like 8 years old.
And now, if you'll excuse me, it's almost 5 PM. Time for me to change my Depends and head over to Sizzler for the early bird special before my bridge club gets together. Later.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Spare Microwave
Earlier tonight, I was laying in bed when I started to get hungry. I hadn't eaten dinner yet, so I dragged myself out of bed, headed down to my kitchen and checked the fridge. In there, I saw my leftover Chinese food from Monday night. Perfect. I'll just heat that up in the microwave and I'll be set in a couple minutes.
I grabbed the food out, poured it onto a plate, put the plate in the microwave, and closed the microwave door. But then I noticed it. The clock was not on. A quick look over at the oven showed that its clock was working fine. I checked to see if the microwave had come unplugged, but it was still in place. Odd.
So, I headed downstairs to see if maybe the breaker that controls that outlet had tripped. Why not? Sure enough, I get down there and find a breaker tripped, I reset it, and I'm back up to the kitchen. But the microwave clock is still not on. I lower my view to the toaster over below which is plugged into a separate outlet and turn its knob. Light comes on...this outlet works. I am determined to eat this chinese food so I snake the microwave cord out of its normal spot, grab the microwave and lower it so the cord can reach this obviously functional outlet. I plug it in...and no power still.
I've been taking some drugs for the past couple days to combat a head cold that I likely got standing and sitting in the freezing cold of the Skins game on Sunday night, so despite this set back, I'm relatively unfazed. Looks like the microwave is broken.
So, I pull it off the counter and set it on the floor in the kitchen to be thrown away at a later date. I walk back downstairs to my storage closet, move some boxes and Christmas decorations, and grab my spare microwave.
I carry it back upstairs to the kitchen, plug it in to the easiest accessible outlet, and pop my Chinese food in. A minute and a half later and I'm enjoying my food. Overall, the whole exchange took about 15 minutes, so I didn't get my food as fast as I originally wanted it...which sucks. But, at least I got my food, right?
So, you're probably sitting there reading this going, "why in the fuck do you have a spare microwave??!!" when you should really be asking yourself, "how pissed would I have been if I didn't have that spare microwave??!!"
I grabbed the food out, poured it onto a plate, put the plate in the microwave, and closed the microwave door. But then I noticed it. The clock was not on. A quick look over at the oven showed that its clock was working fine. I checked to see if the microwave had come unplugged, but it was still in place. Odd.
So, I headed downstairs to see if maybe the breaker that controls that outlet had tripped. Why not? Sure enough, I get down there and find a breaker tripped, I reset it, and I'm back up to the kitchen. But the microwave clock is still not on. I lower my view to the toaster over below which is plugged into a separate outlet and turn its knob. Light comes on...this outlet works. I am determined to eat this chinese food so I snake the microwave cord out of its normal spot, grab the microwave and lower it so the cord can reach this obviously functional outlet. I plug it in...and no power still.
I've been taking some drugs for the past couple days to combat a head cold that I likely got standing and sitting in the freezing cold of the Skins game on Sunday night, so despite this set back, I'm relatively unfazed. Looks like the microwave is broken.
So, I pull it off the counter and set it on the floor in the kitchen to be thrown away at a later date. I walk back downstairs to my storage closet, move some boxes and Christmas decorations, and grab my spare microwave.
I carry it back upstairs to the kitchen, plug it in to the easiest accessible outlet, and pop my Chinese food in. A minute and a half later and I'm enjoying my food. Overall, the whole exchange took about 15 minutes, so I didn't get my food as fast as I originally wanted it...which sucks. But, at least I got my food, right?
So, you're probably sitting there reading this going, "why in the fuck do you have a spare microwave??!!" when you should really be asking yourself, "how pissed would I have been if I didn't have that spare microwave??!!"
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Not So Green
Two Saturdays ago, Danielle and I decided to go to the Food & Entertainment festival down at the Convention Center. It was advertised to have plenty of food samples and presentations by Giada, Bobby Flay, and Paula Dean. I love food, so this seemed like a no-brainer. And what also worked out nicely was the fact that Danielle was actually going to be working at the Green Festival at the exact same time, in the exact same building. Small world. However, this would also mean that I would have to go to the Green Festival.
Yes, I went to the Green Festival.
When it comes to being green, I would have to say I'm pretty much a faded shade of red (color wheel humor...gotta love it). I rarely recycle; I leave lights and my computer on often; I eat anything, regardless of how it was killed, harvested or prepared; and I send out 5 Ford vans and a diesel truck to pollute our air each and every day. But since I'm at the festival, why not check it out?
So, on Saturday afternoon, I made my way down to the Convention Center. I checked in as a guest of Danielle's company and walked into the giant hall on my way to find her. What I found was a different world. It's funny how the majority of people from different professions and backgrounds tend to look more or less the same. I go to the Pool & Spa Show every year and there's just this "look" that the majority of pool guys tend to have. If you went to Atlantic City during this time, you could definitely pick out a large portion of the attendees. Well, it seems people in the "Green" professions are in the same boat.
You've got your fair share of people with dread locks here and a spattering of wool caps with the extended part that comes over their ears and has string at the end (you know what I'm talking about). And then, don't ask me why, but I have never seen more people with long, curly, somewhat unmaintained hair, and scarves before in my life. If you care about the Earth, are you required to wear a scarf? It wasn't even all that cold on Saturday. But I digress.
After passing the Kashi stand, and the T-shirt vendor with the George Bush shirt with the words "International Terrorist" underneath his picture, I finally located Danielle and her co-workers at their booth. After a few quick words, we took off for the Food & Entertainment festival, as we figured we'd backtrack to the Green Festival since she needed to help clean up.
We get to the Food Festival, walk around trying all different dipping oils and creamy dips, cookies, chocolates, smoothies, and cheeses. And then I see it. The closed off area in the center. Yes, there is a beer, wine, and liquor portion to this festival. Why did I not figure this ahead of time?!! Almost an hour was wasted tasting all these dips, with no signs of a drink...and here it was. It was like an oasis in the middle of the Sahara (congrats to my buddy Rick, BTW, who just completed a super-race through the Sahara).
So, of course, we paid the extra money to get inside. And of course, I pretty much tried every beer, I did try every liquor, and I sampled some of the white wines. In no time, I'm sporting a solid buzz and Danielle still needs to get back to work.
We make a quick stop to play with some fake snow. Seriously, I don't know what this stuff was, but with just a little water, a white powder turned into legitimate, cold snow flakes...that wouldn't melt. You'd squeeze the crap out of the snow and it would just squirt through your fingers. Crazy stuff. I didn't buy any, but I was tempted. I was also tempted to buy dips and dipping oil...and I caved.
Now back to the Green Festival. And I've got a nice buzz working. So, after dropping Danielle back off at her kiosk, I took a tour of the whole festival. And what should I happen upon in a matter of minutes...vegan ice cream.
Now, it sounds like a bad idea from the get go, but I've had a few drinks, how bad can it be. And they have Kool-Aid flavor. I'll take one...$3.
How bad can it be?? I'll tell you. This stuff tasted like if it were possible to leave ice cream out on your counter for a week, not have it melt, but just get stale and hard, like a loaf of bread. Add to that an almost grainy texture and an aftertaste that had me contemplating eating the organic dog food samples that I got for Chloe, just to get rid of the taste. It would be like insisting someone fart in your car after someone else took their shoes off, just to counteract the smell. Or drinking urine after ordering a brownie and being given a turd instead. The color my face likely turned was the closest to green that I was planning to be on this particular day.
So I gave it to Danielle's vegan co-worker.
She loved it.
Guess I'm not quite cut out to being green, though I actually recycled for the first time in like two years last Friday. And with this cold weather coming in, maybe it's time I started wearing a scarf?? Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
Yes, I went to the Green Festival.
When it comes to being green, I would have to say I'm pretty much a faded shade of red (color wheel humor...gotta love it). I rarely recycle; I leave lights and my computer on often; I eat anything, regardless of how it was killed, harvested or prepared; and I send out 5 Ford vans and a diesel truck to pollute our air each and every day. But since I'm at the festival, why not check it out?
So, on Saturday afternoon, I made my way down to the Convention Center. I checked in as a guest of Danielle's company and walked into the giant hall on my way to find her. What I found was a different world. It's funny how the majority of people from different professions and backgrounds tend to look more or less the same. I go to the Pool & Spa Show every year and there's just this "look" that the majority of pool guys tend to have. If you went to Atlantic City during this time, you could definitely pick out a large portion of the attendees. Well, it seems people in the "Green" professions are in the same boat.
You've got your fair share of people with dread locks here and a spattering of wool caps with the extended part that comes over their ears and has string at the end (you know what I'm talking about). And then, don't ask me why, but I have never seen more people with long, curly, somewhat unmaintained hair, and scarves before in my life. If you care about the Earth, are you required to wear a scarf? It wasn't even all that cold on Saturday. But I digress.
After passing the Kashi stand, and the T-shirt vendor with the George Bush shirt with the words "International Terrorist" underneath his picture, I finally located Danielle and her co-workers at their booth. After a few quick words, we took off for the Food & Entertainment festival, as we figured we'd backtrack to the Green Festival since she needed to help clean up.
We get to the Food Festival, walk around trying all different dipping oils and creamy dips, cookies, chocolates, smoothies, and cheeses. And then I see it. The closed off area in the center. Yes, there is a beer, wine, and liquor portion to this festival. Why did I not figure this ahead of time?!! Almost an hour was wasted tasting all these dips, with no signs of a drink...and here it was. It was like an oasis in the middle of the Sahara (congrats to my buddy Rick, BTW, who just completed a super-race through the Sahara).
So, of course, we paid the extra money to get inside. And of course, I pretty much tried every beer, I did try every liquor, and I sampled some of the white wines. In no time, I'm sporting a solid buzz and Danielle still needs to get back to work.
We make a quick stop to play with some fake snow. Seriously, I don't know what this stuff was, but with just a little water, a white powder turned into legitimate, cold snow flakes...that wouldn't melt. You'd squeeze the crap out of the snow and it would just squirt through your fingers. Crazy stuff. I didn't buy any, but I was tempted. I was also tempted to buy dips and dipping oil...and I caved.
Now back to the Green Festival. And I've got a nice buzz working. So, after dropping Danielle back off at her kiosk, I took a tour of the whole festival. And what should I happen upon in a matter of minutes...vegan ice cream.
Now, it sounds like a bad idea from the get go, but I've had a few drinks, how bad can it be. And they have Kool-Aid flavor. I'll take one...$3.
How bad can it be?? I'll tell you. This stuff tasted like if it were possible to leave ice cream out on your counter for a week, not have it melt, but just get stale and hard, like a loaf of bread. Add to that an almost grainy texture and an aftertaste that had me contemplating eating the organic dog food samples that I got for Chloe, just to get rid of the taste. It would be like insisting someone fart in your car after someone else took their shoes off, just to counteract the smell. Or drinking urine after ordering a brownie and being given a turd instead. The color my face likely turned was the closest to green that I was planning to be on this particular day.
So I gave it to Danielle's vegan co-worker.
She loved it.
Guess I'm not quite cut out to being green, though I actually recycled for the first time in like two years last Friday. And with this cold weather coming in, maybe it's time I started wearing a scarf?? Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
Friday, November 14, 2008
The Bus Man
I've taken a bit of a hiatus from the blog after that last debacle but I saw something hilarious today and had to pass this image along to everyone.
I'm driving down Old Georgetown road in the left lane (of three) and end up getting stopped at a light. In the far right lane is a metro bus. After sitting for a second at the light, I look over at the bus and realize that there is no one on the bus. No one except the driver.
And he's standing at the back door facing towards the sidewalk.
And the door is open.
And then he adjusts and walks back to the seat as the light turns green.
Yes, the bus driver got up, walked to the back door, and while still standing on the bus took a piss in the direction of the sidewalk. OUTSTANDING! You just don't see that everyday.
Well, I don't...maybe you do.
I'm driving down Old Georgetown road in the left lane (of three) and end up getting stopped at a light. In the far right lane is a metro bus. After sitting for a second at the light, I look over at the bus and realize that there is no one on the bus. No one except the driver.
And he's standing at the back door facing towards the sidewalk.
And the door is open.
And then he adjusts and walks back to the seat as the light turns green.
Yes, the bus driver got up, walked to the back door, and while still standing on the bus took a piss in the direction of the sidewalk. OUTSTANDING! You just don't see that everyday.
Well, I don't...maybe you do.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Calmer Words from J-Man
First off, I would like to apologize if any of my past politically related posts were offensive to anyone, especially any of my friends. That was not my intent, as all of my posts are intended to be humorous and very light hearted.
I believe I over-reacted to the negative feedback that I received from my post about election day, and being told that "I suck" or that "I'm a loser" from random people who came across my blog. I should have been the bigger man and recognized that there are people out there that are going to write what they want to write, just like I write what I want. I have the ability to delete the comments that I don't like, and I should have simply done that and moved along. In any case, I have temporarily removed some of those posts, to avoid any future conflict.
And lastly, as to being called a racist, while I have on occassion in past posts including these most recent ones made racially inspired jokes, they are merely intended for humor and are not to be taken seriously.
I am a white Jewish man, and I have many friends and past girlfriends of varying ethnicities. I have an African American and a Puerto Rican brother-in-law and from them I have 9 nieces and nephews. I work a blue collar job and the people I work with are of every nationality. In all cases, whether it be my friends, my family, or my co-workers, we make fun of each other, as I am the "stingy jew", and they are the "lazy Mexican," "Fat Albert," or the Indian guy who should be working at the 7-11 instead. Is it politically correct?...probably not. But we don't mean it...these are my friends. And I would consider "most" of the people that read this blog, regardless of whether I actually know you, my friends.
If I overstepped my bounds in any of the past blogs, again I apologize. If I do it again, please give me constructive comments, rather than "you suck." I don't react well to that type of criticism. Thank you.
I believe I over-reacted to the negative feedback that I received from my post about election day, and being told that "I suck" or that "I'm a loser" from random people who came across my blog. I should have been the bigger man and recognized that there are people out there that are going to write what they want to write, just like I write what I want. I have the ability to delete the comments that I don't like, and I should have simply done that and moved along. In any case, I have temporarily removed some of those posts, to avoid any future conflict.
And lastly, as to being called a racist, while I have on occassion in past posts including these most recent ones made racially inspired jokes, they are merely intended for humor and are not to be taken seriously.
I am a white Jewish man, and I have many friends and past girlfriends of varying ethnicities. I have an African American and a Puerto Rican brother-in-law and from them I have 9 nieces and nephews. I work a blue collar job and the people I work with are of every nationality. In all cases, whether it be my friends, my family, or my co-workers, we make fun of each other, as I am the "stingy jew", and they are the "lazy Mexican," "Fat Albert," or the Indian guy who should be working at the 7-11 instead. Is it politically correct?...probably not. But we don't mean it...these are my friends. And I would consider "most" of the people that read this blog, regardless of whether I actually know you, my friends.
If I overstepped my bounds in any of the past blogs, again I apologize. If I do it again, please give me constructive comments, rather than "you suck." I don't react well to that type of criticism. Thank you.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Top 10: Uh Oh-bama
Well, with the monumental election of our new President, and the subsequent dancing and high-fiving in the street, you'd assume great things were afoot. However, we're two days into the new era and to be honest, I'm not seeing much of a "change." Perhaps I need to wait until inauguration, but with all the celebration, I was expecting something extraordinary to happen already.
And since I'm not seeing that, I thought I'd give you all the:
Top 10 Signs We May Not Have Made the Best Move Voting Obama President
10) There's still traffic on the beltway: Surely this should have stopped by now...what's up with that?!!
9) The Dow Jones has dropped for 2 straight days: Wouldn't you assume that dancing in the street segued into new faith that the market is gonna turn around?! I know, I did too. What went wrong??
8) Now everyone that voted for McCain has to look around like they're about to tell a racial joke before they mention that they didn't vote for Obama: "You voted for McCain?? I didn't know you were a member of the KKK."
7) We lost in our playoff game in bowling: Yeah, we were winning before Obama was elected. I see no other possible reasons.
6) The Redskins lost to the Steelers: If Obama had just conceded the election ahead of time, the encumbent party and therefore the Skins would have won the game and had a much stronger position in the Wild Card chase. Thanks alot!
5) It's dark at 5 PM: Anthing is possible right? Can we keep the sun up a little longer, please?...YES, WE CAN. Let's make that happen already.
4) They're gonna have to rename the White House: Wait...you thought it was named after the color of the building???
3) Fred Armisen does a really bad Barrack Obama: Now we have to deal with 4 years of crappy SNL parities when we could have enjoyed quality Tina Fey cameos.
2) Today I went to Ruby Tuesdays for lunch. The bill was $27.86. I gave the waitress $40. She brought me back $12.00!! Yes, she forgot the CHANGE!!!
1) Now African American students are gonna want to leave college after one year to join...Politics! So long OJ Mayo, Hello OJ Mayor.
And if you really think any of these are serious, you need to lighten up.
And since I'm not seeing that, I thought I'd give you all the:
Top 10 Signs We May Not Have Made the Best Move Voting Obama President
10) There's still traffic on the beltway: Surely this should have stopped by now...what's up with that?!!
9) The Dow Jones has dropped for 2 straight days: Wouldn't you assume that dancing in the street segued into new faith that the market is gonna turn around?! I know, I did too. What went wrong??
8) Now everyone that voted for McCain has to look around like they're about to tell a racial joke before they mention that they didn't vote for Obama: "You voted for McCain?? I didn't know you were a member of the KKK."
7) We lost in our playoff game in bowling: Yeah, we were winning before Obama was elected. I see no other possible reasons.
6) The Redskins lost to the Steelers: If Obama had just conceded the election ahead of time, the encumbent party and therefore the Skins would have won the game and had a much stronger position in the Wild Card chase. Thanks alot!
5) It's dark at 5 PM: Anthing is possible right? Can we keep the sun up a little longer, please?...YES, WE CAN. Let's make that happen already.
4) They're gonna have to rename the White House: Wait...you thought it was named after the color of the building???
3) Fred Armisen does a really bad Barrack Obama: Now we have to deal with 4 years of crappy SNL parities when we could have enjoyed quality Tina Fey cameos.
2) Today I went to Ruby Tuesdays for lunch. The bill was $27.86. I gave the waitress $40. She brought me back $12.00!! Yes, she forgot the CHANGE!!!
1) Now African American students are gonna want to leave college after one year to join...Politics! So long OJ Mayo, Hello OJ Mayor.
And if you really think any of these are serious, you need to lighten up.
Monday, October 27, 2008
J-Man goes Camping (sort of)
As I mentioned in a past post, this past weekend I was going camping for the first time in my life. The plan was for me to drive over to Danielle's around 9:30 on Saturday morning and we would caravan from there along with two other carloads all the way to Mt. Jackson, VA to the cabin of her graduate program director.
Seems like a good plan. Probably would have been good to get a good night's sleep the night before, but instead a low key night grabbing a few beers with Dave turned into a 2 AM drunken shitshow where I seemed to run into a bunch of different friends at a variety of bars, including a trip to a new one, Sasso, that I had never been to before. In any case, the 8:15 AM wakeup was rougher than expected, but I grab a bagel sandwich and headed to College Park right on time. What was also right on time, was my need to take a morning shit right when I got to Danielle's place...therein lies the problem with drinking the night before.
Problem is, they have only one bathroom for the three roommates to share. And one of them is getting ready for the first 10 minutes I'm there waiting. Did I mention that I had not yet met the roommates, nor anyone going on this camping trip before? So, yes, I am now the guy that shows up to a new place and shits. Yep, that's me.
I finish that up and we load up Danielle's car with the gigantic tent my older brother let me borrow and the other supplies. Seriously, this tent is like 10 X 10 and I can stand completely upright inside...it's like a convention center of the tent world. It's mildly drizzling as we depart, but that quickly turns to rain on 495, pouring on 66, and monsoon on 81. Thankfully, I'm not driving, but sitting in a car for two hours after a night of drinking is never the best thing.
We pull up to the cabin, which is well secluded in the woods down a pretty windy path, and about 20 people are already there. It's your standard wooden cabin in the forest, equipped with wrap around porch, rustic kitchen, wood burning furnace, and cider press. Cider press?!
Well, that was the theme of the gathering, a Cider Fest. So, first thing you have to do is go to work. Well, actually the first thing I had to do was take a shit...again. Yes, I just pulled up to another place where I know no one, and the first thing I need to do is walk past these strangers and blow up their bathroom. Of course, it's single ply!! Why do people still use single ply? Are we really in a depression? I'm sorry, but as I've mentioned before, I have a strict ply minimum required between my ass and my hand.
After that, I'm feeling better, grab my first beer and head over to help with pressing cider. It's a pretty cool process, as you hand crank an apple crusher which sends the apple bits into a bucket below. Once you fill the bucket with apple mush, you move it to the actual press where, you turn a crank and squeeze the cider into a bucket below. It was pretty good stuff...hand made by me. See, aren't you glad I have a strict ply minimum?
After the cider making, we move on to eating, which includes a wide variety of stuff brought by all the guests. Did I mention that the program is for people studying Conservationist something & Sustainable Biology? So, basically we're talking about a lot of conservationalist, which usually means tree huggers, which usually means vegetarians. Danielle and I had a few granola and birkenstocks jokes on the way up, but I promised to withhold from any further jokes while on-site.
Anyway, there's a lot of vegetarian dishes to be passed over by me (I've shat enough today), but there's also some nice grilled Elk (first time I've ever had this), Venison, and barbeque chicken. Don't worry, all the animals are from a sustainable population...we're not eating panda here.
We finish eating and decide it's time to carve the pumpkins we got on the way up...yeah, I left that part out...it was rainy, so we ran. Anyway, Danielle gave away one of our pumpkins to her friend who didn't bring one, so we ended up sharing a pumpkin. Aaahhh, I know...how cute. Well, if you saw what we created, you wouldn't think it was that cute. We had a stencil for a pirate skull and crow bones, but the pumpkin was a little too small for the bottom part, so I had the free hand it. The result was a skull that looked like it came from either a retard or Jay Leno.
Danielle insisted it would look better once it was lit, but she was terribly wrong. I have a picture to prove it. We're getting two more pumpkins today to carve tonight, so hopefully my second attempt (she was holding me back) will be better.
Anyway, the night is soon approaching as we begin to set a bonfire, partake in a scavenger hunt, and eat some desserts. My hands are frozen from being outside all day and from holding a beer most of the time, so as darkness approaches and we realize we still haven't set up our tent, we have the discussion.
Set up the tent in the dark and sleep in the wet and cold...or get in the car and drive back to my place, jump in a warm bed, and watch the end of the Penn State-OSU game.
Thankfully, we are of the same mind, as we bolt from the cabin, stop at McDonald's so I can grab some "normal" food, and arrive at my place in time to catch the end of the 3rd quarter.
And when we woke up on Sunday morning, we both realized we made a great decision. I mean, seriously...who would want to sleep outside in the cold? It just seems stupid, when there is a perfectly warm house to sleep in instead. Did you expect something different?
I'm not saying I'll never go camping, but for now, we'll just have to wait. At least I learned how to press cider, eat elk, and fight off the desire to make a joke as Abba was being played around a campfire.
Seems like a good plan. Probably would have been good to get a good night's sleep the night before, but instead a low key night grabbing a few beers with Dave turned into a 2 AM drunken shitshow where I seemed to run into a bunch of different friends at a variety of bars, including a trip to a new one, Sasso, that I had never been to before. In any case, the 8:15 AM wakeup was rougher than expected, but I grab a bagel sandwich and headed to College Park right on time. What was also right on time, was my need to take a morning shit right when I got to Danielle's place...therein lies the problem with drinking the night before.
Problem is, they have only one bathroom for the three roommates to share. And one of them is getting ready for the first 10 minutes I'm there waiting. Did I mention that I had not yet met the roommates, nor anyone going on this camping trip before? So, yes, I am now the guy that shows up to a new place and shits. Yep, that's me.
I finish that up and we load up Danielle's car with the gigantic tent my older brother let me borrow and the other supplies. Seriously, this tent is like 10 X 10 and I can stand completely upright inside...it's like a convention center of the tent world. It's mildly drizzling as we depart, but that quickly turns to rain on 495, pouring on 66, and monsoon on 81. Thankfully, I'm not driving, but sitting in a car for two hours after a night of drinking is never the best thing.
We pull up to the cabin, which is well secluded in the woods down a pretty windy path, and about 20 people are already there. It's your standard wooden cabin in the forest, equipped with wrap around porch, rustic kitchen, wood burning furnace, and cider press. Cider press?!
Well, that was the theme of the gathering, a Cider Fest. So, first thing you have to do is go to work. Well, actually the first thing I had to do was take a shit...again. Yes, I just pulled up to another place where I know no one, and the first thing I need to do is walk past these strangers and blow up their bathroom. Of course, it's single ply!! Why do people still use single ply? Are we really in a depression? I'm sorry, but as I've mentioned before, I have a strict ply minimum required between my ass and my hand.
After that, I'm feeling better, grab my first beer and head over to help with pressing cider. It's a pretty cool process, as you hand crank an apple crusher which sends the apple bits into a bucket below. Once you fill the bucket with apple mush, you move it to the actual press where, you turn a crank and squeeze the cider into a bucket below. It was pretty good stuff...hand made by me. See, aren't you glad I have a strict ply minimum?
After the cider making, we move on to eating, which includes a wide variety of stuff brought by all the guests. Did I mention that the program is for people studying Conservationist something & Sustainable Biology? So, basically we're talking about a lot of conservationalist, which usually means tree huggers, which usually means vegetarians. Danielle and I had a few granola and birkenstocks jokes on the way up, but I promised to withhold from any further jokes while on-site.
Anyway, there's a lot of vegetarian dishes to be passed over by me (I've shat enough today), but there's also some nice grilled Elk (first time I've ever had this), Venison, and barbeque chicken. Don't worry, all the animals are from a sustainable population...we're not eating panda here.
We finish eating and decide it's time to carve the pumpkins we got on the way up...yeah, I left that part out...it was rainy, so we ran. Anyway, Danielle gave away one of our pumpkins to her friend who didn't bring one, so we ended up sharing a pumpkin. Aaahhh, I know...how cute. Well, if you saw what we created, you wouldn't think it was that cute. We had a stencil for a pirate skull and crow bones, but the pumpkin was a little too small for the bottom part, so I had the free hand it. The result was a skull that looked like it came from either a retard or Jay Leno.
Danielle insisted it would look better once it was lit, but she was terribly wrong. I have a picture to prove it. We're getting two more pumpkins today to carve tonight, so hopefully my second attempt (she was holding me back) will be better.
Anyway, the night is soon approaching as we begin to set a bonfire, partake in a scavenger hunt, and eat some desserts. My hands are frozen from being outside all day and from holding a beer most of the time, so as darkness approaches and we realize we still haven't set up our tent, we have the discussion.
Set up the tent in the dark and sleep in the wet and cold...or get in the car and drive back to my place, jump in a warm bed, and watch the end of the Penn State-OSU game.
Thankfully, we are of the same mind, as we bolt from the cabin, stop at McDonald's so I can grab some "normal" food, and arrive at my place in time to catch the end of the 3rd quarter.
And when we woke up on Sunday morning, we both realized we made a great decision. I mean, seriously...who would want to sleep outside in the cold? It just seems stupid, when there is a perfectly warm house to sleep in instead. Did you expect something different?
I'm not saying I'll never go camping, but for now, we'll just have to wait. At least I learned how to press cider, eat elk, and fight off the desire to make a joke as Abba was being played around a campfire.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Top 10: Worst Halloween Costumes
As most of you are aware, I am a huge fan of Halloween. There are very few nights when you can dress up like a moron, go out to the bars, and pretty much start up a conversation with anyone just because. It's like on Halloween, everyone is having a big party, and we're all invited.
So, with that in mind, the next question comes...What am I going to be this year? I've had my share of classic costumes over the years, and I've seen a few great ones out at the bars. But as I try to come up with good ideas, all that pops into my head are arguably the worst costume ideas. So that got me to thinking...what would be the Worst Costume Ideas? Which leads me to this list of: (may offend...read at your own discretion)
Top 10 Worst Costume Ideas:
10) Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights after the Crash: A simple costume which includes only tidy whities and a NASCAR helmet. It's not that bad of a costume, thus it being #10, but wearing tidy whities all night...rough. I would laugh if I saw this.
9) Derek Jeter: This is less the costume as it is where you wear it. I would love to see someone sporting this out to the bars in Boston. He's probably not making it home.
8) A pedophile/rapist/serial killer/person from Montana: Real mustache, tight jeans, jeans jacket, jeans shirt, and some creepy glasses. Add some vasoline on your face to give that greasy look and it's a winner.
7) Your mom: What if your girlfriend/wife thought it would be funny and decided to go dressed as your mom? That's not cool at all.
6) Priest with a cabbage patch kid glued to his crotch: Nothing says inappropriate like making fun of religious figures. Make sure the head is firmly attached at the crotch to give the impression of a young boy giving a BJ. As a Jew, I find this humorous...can't say others would.
5) A piece of shit: Not those corny (completely not intentional) costumes of poo with horns being "Bull Shit" and angel wings being "Holy Shit", I'm talking, what if someone wore all brown and then rubbed real shit all over themselves to make it more realistic. I would probably laugh at the craziness of it all, then vomit.
4) Muslim Terrorist: Strap on the beard, the turbin, and some fake dynamite. See how far you get.
3) KKK Member: I'd like to see if the Klansman or the Muslim gets beaten down first. My money is on Jeter in Beantown.
2) Unwanted Pregnancy under President McCain: This one's for the ladies. Pour fake blood all over your legs, wear a dress that you stuff a basketball under and then attach a clothing hanger to the inside of your thigh so it protrudes out the bottom. If you can figure out what I'm describing, you're probably appalled right now. I could actually see some douche wearing this out here in DC, however.
1) Cancer Patient: Seriously. If you saw someone with a bald head wearing a hospital gown and holding an IV bag, all you could do is shake your head in disgust. This one I hope I never see.
Yep, pretty sure I'll get a few hate comments on this one...and I didn't even put "Retard" as one of the costume ideas.
So, with that in mind, the next question comes...What am I going to be this year? I've had my share of classic costumes over the years, and I've seen a few great ones out at the bars. But as I try to come up with good ideas, all that pops into my head are arguably the worst costume ideas. So that got me to thinking...what would be the Worst Costume Ideas? Which leads me to this list of: (may offend...read at your own discretion)
Top 10 Worst Costume Ideas:
10) Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights after the Crash: A simple costume which includes only tidy whities and a NASCAR helmet. It's not that bad of a costume, thus it being #10, but wearing tidy whities all night...rough. I would laugh if I saw this.
9) Derek Jeter: This is less the costume as it is where you wear it. I would love to see someone sporting this out to the bars in Boston. He's probably not making it home.
8) A pedophile/rapist/serial killer/person from Montana: Real mustache, tight jeans, jeans jacket, jeans shirt, and some creepy glasses. Add some vasoline on your face to give that greasy look and it's a winner.
7) Your mom: What if your girlfriend/wife thought it would be funny and decided to go dressed as your mom? That's not cool at all.
6) Priest with a cabbage patch kid glued to his crotch: Nothing says inappropriate like making fun of religious figures. Make sure the head is firmly attached at the crotch to give the impression of a young boy giving a BJ. As a Jew, I find this humorous...can't say others would.
5) A piece of shit: Not those corny (completely not intentional) costumes of poo with horns being "Bull Shit" and angel wings being "Holy Shit", I'm talking, what if someone wore all brown and then rubbed real shit all over themselves to make it more realistic. I would probably laugh at the craziness of it all, then vomit.
4) Muslim Terrorist: Strap on the beard, the turbin, and some fake dynamite. See how far you get.
3) KKK Member: I'd like to see if the Klansman or the Muslim gets beaten down first. My money is on Jeter in Beantown.
2) Unwanted Pregnancy under President McCain: This one's for the ladies. Pour fake blood all over your legs, wear a dress that you stuff a basketball under and then attach a clothing hanger to the inside of your thigh so it protrudes out the bottom. If you can figure out what I'm describing, you're probably appalled right now. I could actually see some douche wearing this out here in DC, however.
1) Cancer Patient: Seriously. If you saw someone with a bald head wearing a hospital gown and holding an IV bag, all you could do is shake your head in disgust. This one I hope I never see.
Yep, pretty sure I'll get a few hate comments on this one...and I didn't even put "Retard" as one of the costume ideas.
Brain Farts 13
Well, lot of little bits of info and stupid thoughts, so no full post. Instead, enjoy the Brain Farts. Not quite as satisfying as the full shit, but still amusing:
- Glad I got my cable back on this past Sunday, as my PS3 broke when the cable guy showed up. I didn't realize it at the time, but the game I was playing froze. I shut off the system in disgust and with the beauty of TV and Football Sunday there was little reason to turn it back on until yesterday...when I found out it doesn't read any discs. And Sony won't repair it under warranty because I don't have the receipt anymore. So it's gonna cost $150 to get it fixed. Why God? Why?
- I'm bored at work as things are slowing down, so I decided to amuse myself by convincing my brother to grow a mustache from now until Halloween. It'll cost me $20 if he follows through on it, but calling him Freddy Mercury and Magnum for the next two weeks will be worth it.
- I'm sure some conspiracy people have mentioned it before, and while I'm not trying to make a political or prejudicial statement by pointing this out, but doesn't it seem a little too crazy that you can easily transform the bumper sticker Obama Biden into Osama Bin Laden? I mean really? Did Obama have to choose a running mate whose name was that close? REALLY? I'm pretty sure every person I've EVER met could have been his running mate and the name's wouldn't have been so close. REALLY?
- Isn't it also ironic that my 13th Brain Farts comes a mere week and a half before Halloween?? No, actually it isn't.
- Speaking of Halloween, the early line on me losing either my phone, camera or wallet on Halloween night is probably around 4-1, especially given that my costume, which came yesterday, has no pockets in the "pants."
That's it for now. Back to making fun of old Rollie Fingers sitting at his desk here.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Go Camping?
I feel it only appropriate to follow my last post regarding my dependence on TV and Internet with news that for the first time in my entire life, I am going to go camping.
This coming Saturday, Danielle has invited me to come with her to a Cider Fest in Mount Jackson, VA (yeah, I don't know where that is either) that her graduate school program organizes every year. The plan is simple. Drive 2 hours to someone's cabin in the mountains, make cider to store for the following year in the morning, and then spend the rest of the afternoon and evening drinking the cider and cider wine that was made the previous year, while eating barbeque and playing games.
I think I can handle all of that stuff, as I've done all of that in the past. The trick comes at the end of the day. You see, there will be around 100 people at this Ciderfest, and there are only about 4 beds or so in the cabin. So the typical plan is for the remaining guests to pitch a tent (he he) and sleep outside.
Let me mention this again...I have never slept outside before, with the exception of my freshman year in college when I was too drunk and tired to climb the steps into my dorm building and instead fell asleep at the bottom of the stairs. In this case, I may be just as drunk, but the lead up is quite different.
I like my bed. I like my ceiling. I like a controlled temperature of 68 degrees. I like not wondering if a bear is going to eat me while I sleep. You know, the simple things.
I'm not gonna go into any further discussion of this matter at this point. I just wanted to let you all know, so that if you don't see any posts after this weekend, you can thank old Yogi for doing in the J-Man. Wish me luck...I'm sure I'll do fine...I adapt well in new environments.
Did I mention that the forecast is for rain?
This coming Saturday, Danielle has invited me to come with her to a Cider Fest in Mount Jackson, VA (yeah, I don't know where that is either) that her graduate school program organizes every year. The plan is simple. Drive 2 hours to someone's cabin in the mountains, make cider to store for the following year in the morning, and then spend the rest of the afternoon and evening drinking the cider and cider wine that was made the previous year, while eating barbeque and playing games.
I think I can handle all of that stuff, as I've done all of that in the past. The trick comes at the end of the day. You see, there will be around 100 people at this Ciderfest, and there are only about 4 beds or so in the cabin. So the typical plan is for the remaining guests to pitch a tent (he he) and sleep outside.
Let me mention this again...I have never slept outside before, with the exception of my freshman year in college when I was too drunk and tired to climb the steps into my dorm building and instead fell asleep at the bottom of the stairs. In this case, I may be just as drunk, but the lead up is quite different.
I like my bed. I like my ceiling. I like a controlled temperature of 68 degrees. I like not wondering if a bear is going to eat me while I sleep. You know, the simple things.
I'm not gonna go into any further discussion of this matter at this point. I just wanted to let you all know, so that if you don't see any posts after this weekend, you can thank old Yogi for doing in the J-Man. Wish me luck...I'm sure I'll do fine...I adapt well in new environments.
Did I mention that the forecast is for rain?
Monday, October 20, 2008
No Cable??!!
I'm not dead. Though I might as well have been. You see I haven't written a post in almost a week because my cable and my internet has been out. Yes, I was without both for over four days. No warning. No time to get milk, eggs, and toilet paper. (Do weather men expect us to eat only omelettes and shit alot during snow storms?) I was stuck with this most unnatural disaster when I least expected it.
Remember that post when I mentioned the tree being removed from my neighbor's yard? Well, the next day, they took away the ground too. They dug a hole adjacent to their house that was the entire length of their house by about 6 feet wide and about 10 feet deep...exposing the entire foundation. Then they resealed the foundation or some shit, and ultimately backfilled the hole. And that is when they broke my cable.
Have you ever lived without TV? It's doable, so long as you can fill your time with internet surfing and perhaps even downloading a TV show or two. Have you ever lived without the internet? It's tough, wondering if someone is trying to email you because no one seems to want to actually talk in person any more. Do I have a new facebook friend? What's that wacky J-Man been up to?
Now, imagine being without both of them? I know, it's horrible to even think of, but I feel everyone needs to be prepared for such a disaster. I was not prepared. Emails went unanswered. College football scores went unknown. Porn went unwatched.
I literally had the feeling that I had no electricity, despite the lights being on. Like I was in some foreign prison camp. I might as well have lit a candle to walk around my house, eat food out of a can, and shit in my backyard. Seriously though, it is amazing how dependent on my computer and TV I have become. Earlier in the day, I was mocking my friend Edwin about living without his cell. phone only to arrive home and find my connection luxuries missing as well. I truly felt like I was missing something. Like the world was going on while I sat in a box.
You would think that without the distraction of the TV and internet, I would have taken the opportunity to be productive. Like the Simpsons episode where all the kids go outside and start playing. I, however, am far too entrenched in my laziness. I did what any normal man without internet and cable would do. Do Laundry? Nope. Read a book? Nope. Take my dog for more walks? Nope.
I played Madden. It was the only way to stave off insanity. I need the glow of the screen...I crave it.
Remember that post when I mentioned the tree being removed from my neighbor's yard? Well, the next day, they took away the ground too. They dug a hole adjacent to their house that was the entire length of their house by about 6 feet wide and about 10 feet deep...exposing the entire foundation. Then they resealed the foundation or some shit, and ultimately backfilled the hole. And that is when they broke my cable.
Have you ever lived without TV? It's doable, so long as you can fill your time with internet surfing and perhaps even downloading a TV show or two. Have you ever lived without the internet? It's tough, wondering if someone is trying to email you because no one seems to want to actually talk in person any more. Do I have a new facebook friend? What's that wacky J-Man been up to?
Now, imagine being without both of them? I know, it's horrible to even think of, but I feel everyone needs to be prepared for such a disaster. I was not prepared. Emails went unanswered. College football scores went unknown. Porn went unwatched.
I literally had the feeling that I had no electricity, despite the lights being on. Like I was in some foreign prison camp. I might as well have lit a candle to walk around my house, eat food out of a can, and shit in my backyard. Seriously though, it is amazing how dependent on my computer and TV I have become. Earlier in the day, I was mocking my friend Edwin about living without his cell. phone only to arrive home and find my connection luxuries missing as well. I truly felt like I was missing something. Like the world was going on while I sat in a box.
You would think that without the distraction of the TV and internet, I would have taken the opportunity to be productive. Like the Simpsons episode where all the kids go outside and start playing. I, however, am far too entrenched in my laziness. I did what any normal man without internet and cable would do. Do Laundry? Nope. Read a book? Nope. Take my dog for more walks? Nope.
I played Madden. It was the only way to stave off insanity. I need the glow of the screen...I crave it.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Beermania
This is less a post as it is a public service announcement to all of my friends that love beer. Back when I went to Charlotte a couple weeks back, we ended up going to the Blackfinn down there. When we walked in one night, I noticed these giant containers of beer sitting on all the tables. It most closely resembles a bong (the smoking kind), but sits about three feet tall with a tap on the bottom. It is full of beer!
So fast forward to this past Saturday night, I head to Blackfinn here in Bethesda to watch the Penn State game with a bunch of people. And that's when I see it on the menu. The "Tower" of beer. And it's on special. 120 ounces of beer for $15. So we order one. Then another. Then four more. Yes, five girls and I killed 720 ounces of beer. Actually, Danielle and I polished off a pitcher before we ordered our first tower, since there was only two of us there at that point. Needless to say, insanity was had by all and I have now found the greatest deal in Beer since the 40 oz. bottles for $5 at the sports bar at the Tropicana in AC.
I'll see you out there.
So fast forward to this past Saturday night, I head to Blackfinn here in Bethesda to watch the Penn State game with a bunch of people. And that's when I see it on the menu. The "Tower" of beer. And it's on special. 120 ounces of beer for $15. So we order one. Then another. Then four more. Yes, five girls and I killed 720 ounces of beer. Actually, Danielle and I polished off a pitcher before we ordered our first tower, since there was only two of us there at that point. Needless to say, insanity was had by all and I have now found the greatest deal in Beer since the 40 oz. bottles for $5 at the sports bar at the Tropicana in AC.
I'll see you out there.
Monday, October 13, 2008
You Just Can't Win
As I've already brought up in the last post, I ended up staying at Rocket Bar on Friday night as opposed to making my rounds to hopefully meet up with my other friends randomly positioned around the city. What I didn't mention was the fact that I realized that regardless of what I do, if I talk to a woman at a bar, I'm a dick. Here's how it went down.
We roll into Rocket Bar and head to the back corner area of the second bar, over by the shuffle board table. My friend Stephen is pretty tanked and apparently can't control himself when he sees a birthday cake sitting at a table here, and helps himself. Thankfully, the birthday crowd is more than willing to share their cake, and ironically one of the members of the party went to high school with me. I talked to her for a bit, found out it was her boyfriend's birthday and then begin talking with her friend, Kara, for the next 20-30 minutes.
As I've mentioned in past blog entries, I could probably talk to a deaf monkey for hours, so I'm really not sure if I was being charming or what, but after some time, I feel it is best I move on so as not to lead this girl on. I head over to play shuffleboard, and Eric asks me what happened with the girl. He's disappointed in me for walking away as he thought she was pretty hot, and as their entire group left the area, it appears as if I've heard the last from her.
Or not. About an hour later, I'm still playing shuffleboard (I'm apparently getting better at this game) when I get a tap on the shoulder. It's Kara. She's come back to let me know that she's heading out, and when we get to that awkward moment when I don't know what to do, I cave. I ask her if I can get her number so maybe we can hang out some time in the future.
Eric sees this exchange and later comes up to me to inquire about my getting her number.
Eric: So, I saw that girl came back.
Me: Yep, she wanted to say goodbye.
Eric: You get her number?
Me: Yeah.
Eric: So, you gonna call her?
Me: Probably not.
Eric: You're such a dick.
Yes, I am a dick. I didn't want to be. But, yes, ladies, I am apparently "that guy" at the bar that gets your number and never calls. I tried the avoidance technique earlier, but I just couldn't withstand the pressure of awkwardness. Perhaps I need to be stronger in the future to avoid being a dick.
Well, wouldn't you know it. The future comes faster than one would expect. Apparently, I'm throwing mad mojo this particular night, as a new girl appears and I end up talking with her as well. She's on the same side as me playing shuffleboard (now, I'm a pro) so we're just talking that usual shuffleboard shit talk. Anyway, the place closes down, and Eric, G-Man, this girl, her friend, and I all head to the metro. This girl is actually a friend of Eric's, so I'm just thinking we're all leaving together to be friendly.
We wait at the metro for a while, get on the train, and she sits next to me. Everyone else is sitting in their own seat. Uh oh. Awkward moment is coming. Be strong J-Man. Be strong. Her stop is the first one we come to, and as the train starts to slow, I say, 'it was nice meeting you.' Didn't ask for her number. Staying strong.
A few minutes pass and we continue on our trip up the red line. At this point, the girl's friend turns to me and we have this exchange:
Her: Why didn't you ask for her number?
Me: Because I have no intention of calling her. (blunt, but true)
Her: Wow, you're a dick.
Yes, apparently I am a dick. Regardless of what I do, I am indeed a dick.
You just can't win.
We roll into Rocket Bar and head to the back corner area of the second bar, over by the shuffle board table. My friend Stephen is pretty tanked and apparently can't control himself when he sees a birthday cake sitting at a table here, and helps himself. Thankfully, the birthday crowd is more than willing to share their cake, and ironically one of the members of the party went to high school with me. I talked to her for a bit, found out it was her boyfriend's birthday and then begin talking with her friend, Kara, for the next 20-30 minutes.
As I've mentioned in past blog entries, I could probably talk to a deaf monkey for hours, so I'm really not sure if I was being charming or what, but after some time, I feel it is best I move on so as not to lead this girl on. I head over to play shuffleboard, and Eric asks me what happened with the girl. He's disappointed in me for walking away as he thought she was pretty hot, and as their entire group left the area, it appears as if I've heard the last from her.
Or not. About an hour later, I'm still playing shuffleboard (I'm apparently getting better at this game) when I get a tap on the shoulder. It's Kara. She's come back to let me know that she's heading out, and when we get to that awkward moment when I don't know what to do, I cave. I ask her if I can get her number so maybe we can hang out some time in the future.
Eric sees this exchange and later comes up to me to inquire about my getting her number.
Eric: So, I saw that girl came back.
Me: Yep, she wanted to say goodbye.
Eric: You get her number?
Me: Yeah.
Eric: So, you gonna call her?
Me: Probably not.
Eric: You're such a dick.
Yes, I am a dick. I didn't want to be. But, yes, ladies, I am apparently "that guy" at the bar that gets your number and never calls. I tried the avoidance technique earlier, but I just couldn't withstand the pressure of awkwardness. Perhaps I need to be stronger in the future to avoid being a dick.
Well, wouldn't you know it. The future comes faster than one would expect. Apparently, I'm throwing mad mojo this particular night, as a new girl appears and I end up talking with her as well. She's on the same side as me playing shuffleboard (now, I'm a pro) so we're just talking that usual shuffleboard shit talk. Anyway, the place closes down, and Eric, G-Man, this girl, her friend, and I all head to the metro. This girl is actually a friend of Eric's, so I'm just thinking we're all leaving together to be friendly.
We wait at the metro for a while, get on the train, and she sits next to me. Everyone else is sitting in their own seat. Uh oh. Awkward moment is coming. Be strong J-Man. Be strong. Her stop is the first one we come to, and as the train starts to slow, I say, 'it was nice meeting you.' Didn't ask for her number. Staying strong.
A few minutes pass and we continue on our trip up the red line. At this point, the girl's friend turns to me and we have this exchange:
Her: Why didn't you ask for her number?
Me: Because I have no intention of calling her. (blunt, but true)
Her: Wow, you're a dick.
Yes, apparently I am a dick. Regardless of what I do, I am indeed a dick.
You just can't win.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Double Dipped
I don't know what it is about this weekend, but it seems as if all of my friends are doing something and none of them are doing it together. I think it is the downfall of having several groups of friends, that for one reason or another are just not friends with each other. Last night was the beginning of Double Dip weekend, but it gets even worse tonight. Here's how it went down.
Several weeks ago, my friend Amber invited me to see an art presentation of some photographs that she took that are being put on display. They were having a wine and cheese presentation for the opening night last night, and I had told her I'd make it when she first brought it up.
Weeks pass, I have no daily planner, and an email comes through from my friend Eric that we can get free tickets to the Wizards pre-season game since we have a ticket plan during the regular season. He's gonna get tickets for a bunch of us, and it's a friend of his's birthday, so we'll make a night of it. He's friends with Amber, and my brother is also on board for this, so this must be a different night. Sounds fun, I'm in.
And then I realize the two are on the same night. Uh oh.
Rewind to about a month and a half ago, and my friend Greg sends me an email that he's got a group of people heading to the USA vs. Cuba soccer game tonight at RFK. Sounds like a fun time, I'm in. I find out later that week that my friend Nicole and some of her friends are going as well. Sweet.
Weeks pass, I obviously still have no daily planner, and Danielle mentions that she and some friends of hers are planning to watch the Penn State game in Bethesda (for my benefit) so that I can meet these old friends of hers. I like Bethesda, I like football, I like meeting new people...I'm in.
And then I realize the two are on the same night. Uh oh.
So last night rolls around, I've spoken with Amber and she's OK with me not coming to the show, as she's a bit embarrassed about the whole thing, but she wants me to meet up with them after the show, and the game, in Bethesda. Seems like a good plan.
Meanwhile, Danielle has gotten terrible news that her grandfather has had a stroke and some further ailments make it somewhat necessary that she take a trip up the Pittsburgh this weekend to see him. Well, I already cancelled going to the soccer game, as I'm not much of a soccer fan, so that's out of the loop. But wouldn't you know it, my friend Kalyn emails me later that day that it's my friend Chris's birthday and they're going out in Adam's Morgan. My other two plans fell through, I'm in.
Then I get home after work yesterday and my friend David emailed that it's his brother, and my friend, Colin's birthday this week, as well, and they're having a party for him in Adam's Morgan at Bourbon. I'm gonna be in Adam's Morgan for Chris's thing, let's double dip.
But then Danielle calls me and tells me that her grandfather is doing much better and she doesn't have to go home after all.
Uh oh.
So, here's what has ended up happening thusfar:
Last night, I went to the Wizards game as planned and texted Amber after the game to check on whether they were actually going out in Bethesda afterward. We're doing OK thusfar. I don't hear back immediately, so I get pulled into going to Rocket Bar near the Verizon Center and hanging out there. Meanwhile, my buddy Greg is in the same neighborhood at Proof, but I can't go there since I'm underdressed, so I invite him to meet up since I'm missing the soccer thing on Saturday. He mentions that Nicole is also going out tonight, so I see if she's interested in going to Rocket Bar.
Apparently, I have my eggs in way too many baskets. Next thing I know, Greg shows up at Rocket Bar, Amber texts me an hour and a half later that she is out in Bethesda, and Nicole texts that she's going out in Adam's Morgan. I'm drunk at this point, so I pull the obvious (and least popular) move. I stay at Rocket Bar.
So I imagine Amber is pissed (sorry) and Nicole is slighted (sorry)...but hey, J-Man is but one man.
Honestly though, when does it ever work out that you leave one bar during prime hours (11:30 PM - 1:30 AM) and successfully meet up with a second group? It's just an impossibility. It's like when you buy a fish from the pet store to put in your aquarium. Most of the time, the fish is going to die, but in all cases, the fish is gonna feel out of place and have to stay in his little bag with his own water for a while just to get situated. Huh?
Anyway, on to tonight. Now that Danielle's thing is back on, I feel it only appropriate that I go with her. I've learned from the past that when in doubt, please the one you see the most often. So I will be heading to Black Finn in about an hour and a half, while missing out on a soccer match and two birthdays in Adam's Morgan. Thankfully, I've started covering my tracks and talking to the people who will be wondering where I am.
And with this double dipping disaster, I have now established a new precedent. I am not committing to doing anything. You want me to meet you for a birthday...I'll see what I can do. Drinks after work...It's possible. Sporting event...I'll check my calendar and get back to you.
Or maybe I'll just start being more of a dick and cut down the number of friends I have. So, you, the guy or girl reading this...I've been meaning to tell you...go fuck yourself.
Several weeks ago, my friend Amber invited me to see an art presentation of some photographs that she took that are being put on display. They were having a wine and cheese presentation for the opening night last night, and I had told her I'd make it when she first brought it up.
Weeks pass, I have no daily planner, and an email comes through from my friend Eric that we can get free tickets to the Wizards pre-season game since we have a ticket plan during the regular season. He's gonna get tickets for a bunch of us, and it's a friend of his's birthday, so we'll make a night of it. He's friends with Amber, and my brother is also on board for this, so this must be a different night. Sounds fun, I'm in.
And then I realize the two are on the same night. Uh oh.
Rewind to about a month and a half ago, and my friend Greg sends me an email that he's got a group of people heading to the USA vs. Cuba soccer game tonight at RFK. Sounds like a fun time, I'm in. I find out later that week that my friend Nicole and some of her friends are going as well. Sweet.
Weeks pass, I obviously still have no daily planner, and Danielle mentions that she and some friends of hers are planning to watch the Penn State game in Bethesda (for my benefit) so that I can meet these old friends of hers. I like Bethesda, I like football, I like meeting new people...I'm in.
And then I realize the two are on the same night. Uh oh.
So last night rolls around, I've spoken with Amber and she's OK with me not coming to the show, as she's a bit embarrassed about the whole thing, but she wants me to meet up with them after the show, and the game, in Bethesda. Seems like a good plan.
Meanwhile, Danielle has gotten terrible news that her grandfather has had a stroke and some further ailments make it somewhat necessary that she take a trip up the Pittsburgh this weekend to see him. Well, I already cancelled going to the soccer game, as I'm not much of a soccer fan, so that's out of the loop. But wouldn't you know it, my friend Kalyn emails me later that day that it's my friend Chris's birthday and they're going out in Adam's Morgan. My other two plans fell through, I'm in.
Then I get home after work yesterday and my friend David emailed that it's his brother, and my friend, Colin's birthday this week, as well, and they're having a party for him in Adam's Morgan at Bourbon. I'm gonna be in Adam's Morgan for Chris's thing, let's double dip.
But then Danielle calls me and tells me that her grandfather is doing much better and she doesn't have to go home after all.
Uh oh.
So, here's what has ended up happening thusfar:
Last night, I went to the Wizards game as planned and texted Amber after the game to check on whether they were actually going out in Bethesda afterward. We're doing OK thusfar. I don't hear back immediately, so I get pulled into going to Rocket Bar near the Verizon Center and hanging out there. Meanwhile, my buddy Greg is in the same neighborhood at Proof, but I can't go there since I'm underdressed, so I invite him to meet up since I'm missing the soccer thing on Saturday. He mentions that Nicole is also going out tonight, so I see if she's interested in going to Rocket Bar.
Apparently, I have my eggs in way too many baskets. Next thing I know, Greg shows up at Rocket Bar, Amber texts me an hour and a half later that she is out in Bethesda, and Nicole texts that she's going out in Adam's Morgan. I'm drunk at this point, so I pull the obvious (and least popular) move. I stay at Rocket Bar.
So I imagine Amber is pissed (sorry) and Nicole is slighted (sorry)...but hey, J-Man is but one man.
Honestly though, when does it ever work out that you leave one bar during prime hours (11:30 PM - 1:30 AM) and successfully meet up with a second group? It's just an impossibility. It's like when you buy a fish from the pet store to put in your aquarium. Most of the time, the fish is going to die, but in all cases, the fish is gonna feel out of place and have to stay in his little bag with his own water for a while just to get situated. Huh?
Anyway, on to tonight. Now that Danielle's thing is back on, I feel it only appropriate that I go with her. I've learned from the past that when in doubt, please the one you see the most often. So I will be heading to Black Finn in about an hour and a half, while missing out on a soccer match and two birthdays in Adam's Morgan. Thankfully, I've started covering my tracks and talking to the people who will be wondering where I am.
And with this double dipping disaster, I have now established a new precedent. I am not committing to doing anything. You want me to meet you for a birthday...I'll see what I can do. Drinks after work...It's possible. Sporting event...I'll check my calendar and get back to you.
Or maybe I'll just start being more of a dick and cut down the number of friends I have. So, you, the guy or girl reading this...I've been meaning to tell you...go fuck yourself.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Tree??
Have you ever woken up from a nap and something didn't seem quite right with what you were seeing, and you questioned whether you were actually awake or not? Most often, I have the disoriented feeling of not knowing where I am for a bit, or not knowing what day of the week it is. However, just a few minutes ago, I woke up from a 20 minute nap and seemed fine as I walked to my basement to let my brother's dog (who I'm watching this afternoon) and Chloe outside.
I opened up the door and in order to get Jasper to go out with Chloe, I had to walk outside as well. And then something seemed odd. After living in my house for over 4 years now, I have become accustomed to seeing the same thing when I walked outside. Why shouldn't I? Behind my house is my fence, and only about 15 feet from there is the side of my neighbors house. And between the two is a big evergreen tree. Isn't there? Am I awake? Because there is no evergreen there any more. I'm sure it was there just the other day. It's a freakin tree!!! How did it just disappear and I didn't even hear anything? How long was I asleep?
Unfortunately, I'm not dreaming and now it appears as if my view from my back deck is squarely at the side of my neighbor's house. That'll teach me to take a nap.
I opened up the door and in order to get Jasper to go out with Chloe, I had to walk outside as well. And then something seemed odd. After living in my house for over 4 years now, I have become accustomed to seeing the same thing when I walked outside. Why shouldn't I? Behind my house is my fence, and only about 15 feet from there is the side of my neighbors house. And between the two is a big evergreen tree. Isn't there? Am I awake? Because there is no evergreen there any more. I'm sure it was there just the other day. It's a freakin tree!!! How did it just disappear and I didn't even hear anything? How long was I asleep?
Unfortunately, I'm not dreaming and now it appears as if my view from my back deck is squarely at the side of my neighbor's house. That'll teach me to take a nap.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Brain Farts 12
Well, I've got a couple things that I want to touch on, and some of them aren't really worth a full post, so I figured I'd just throw them in in my typical fashion, the Brain Farts. Not quite as satisfying as the full shit, but still humorous.
- I was watching the Presidential debate last night and I couldn't help noticing that in his shiny black suit, and with his arm issue and waddling walk, John McCain strongly resembled the Penguin. I hope at some point, someone gives him a top hat and long cigarette thing to complete the look.
- I also don't know if I would vote for either candidate seeing as they haven't grasped the concept of "one minute" or even understand how a stop light works. Even Tom Brokaw was getting irritated.
- Last night, I got to see my friend Zack's baby, Mikayla. I was able to hold her for a bit and surprisingly she was not crying or fussing during this exchange. While, I like babies and know enough about how to take care of them from general knowledge and my psych classes in college, I would not consider myself an expert on baby handling. However, it never fails that whenever a baby is around, there's some older mother, whose kids are now grown, that has to chime in that she "knows" how to calm a baby. And nothing amuses me more than when this "expert" asks to hold the baby and the baby proceeds to scream like it's being held by a barbed wire fence. And yes, this happened right after I passed off Mikayla. J-Man - 1, Old Mother - 0
- Did anyone else not notice that the NHL Hockey season started?
- Or that the WNBA Finals just passed?
- Work is starting to slow down now and with that comes our need to layoff several of our employees for the Winter. I have had to do this for 9 years now, and every year it is difficult, even though most of the employees are aware it is coming. Perhaps to make it less uncomfortable, I will go as Donald Trump for Halloween this year, and wear the costume in to work to lay everybody off...then it's somewhat festive.
- Banks are failing all over the place and my bank is named after an actor most famous for playing Clark Griswald in the National Lampoon's Vacation movies. Should I be worried?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)