Wednesday, June 28, 2006


Barely two weeks after the retarded (well, handicapped, but we can assume) driver hit my car in the parking lot, some other jackass apparently hit the back end of my passenger side and drove off this afternoon. Either the people who work in my complex are completely incompetent behind the wheel or my car has a giant bull's eye on it, because this is just getting ridiculous.

And I don't even work in an area heavily populated by Asian people. WTF!!! Now I have a 8" horizontal scratch, a double dent and a cracked blinker lense in the back to match the huge scratch-dent combo on the front of my passenger side. Think the middle is lonely? Nope...because some jerk off scratched a large backward "C" on my passenger door about 2 months ago.

At least now I don't have to worry about drinking and driving, because if I hit anything, it'll just blend in. You know what they need to invent...cameras on your car that take pictures in all directions anytime something impacts your car. I'm sure this could easily be done with alarm and camera technology where it is, and it'll pay for itself in my case, because they never tracked down the retard and I have no idea who this new assclown is.

WTF!!!! This sucks.

Monday, June 26, 2006

What is with this rain?!

It has been raining non-stop here for like 24 hours. I'm not talking about a soft drizzle, this is a constant monsoon-style downpour we have going on out there. Thankfully, I have been indoors most of the day. Not so thankfully, most of my crews haven't been able to accomplish much because half of the pools are trapped under pool covers with over 5" of water on them, while the other half are green or brown from the mud that has poured into them from the adjacent planters.

I have never received so many panicked calls from people worried that their pool is overflowing and their basement is flooding. And it's not looking like it's going to get any better in the near future. The long-term forcast is for rain until Saturday, which is really going to make things shitty around here as people plan for their 4th of July weekend. So, who's to blame for all this crap!!!

I'll tell you who...China.

You see, the Chinese have been messing around with the weather to "fight the drought" in China. At least, that's what they'll tell you. What they won't let tell you is that they have used this technology to cause these storms which have devastated New Orleans and put Boston under water...and apparently we (here in DC) are now the next target.

Luckily, I have long been a supporter of the Chinese in my routine purchasing of Chinese food and I have built up a strong alliance with the Far East, Jade Billows and Asian Cafe staff. Should this be a precursor to a Chinese take over of a flooded United States, I will be pleased to enjoy our new local delicacies and harvest the rice in the flood plains that are my backyard.

Save yourself, order Chinese food delivery. It's way to rainy outside to want to drive anywhere anyway.

Bu yong xie, bitches.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Top 10: It's Summer

Well, it's been a while, but I thought I'd bring back an old favorite of mine...the Top 10 List. And seeing as it is about 90 degrees outside and it feels like someone threw a wet dishrag at me when I go out there, here's my:

Top 10 Signs Summer Has Arrived
10. You finish work at 8 PM and it's still bright out as you drive home.
9. Two words: In terns.
8. I'm already bored with baseball
7. When I take my shirt off, it still looks like I'm wearing a white T-shirt thanks to a wonderful farmers tan.
6. The Beltway headed toward the beach is bumper to bumper at noon on Friday, as opposed to 3 PM.
5. The chafing in your groin finally has nothing to do with the suspect women you've been hooking up with.
4. Tits
3. And Ass
2. More than half of your meals are being cooked on the grill.
1. The selection of sports to be viewed is so bad that people are actually getting excited about a sport where you aren't allowed to use your hands.

And there you have it...enjoy the heat.

Monday, June 19, 2006

A Little out of Practice

This past Saturday, my buddies and I went to the Yankees-Nationals game and watched a horrible train wreck occur as the Yankees blew a 7-run, 5th inning lead to lose the game 11-9. One would have to think that would be a low point for my day, being a Yankee fan, but apparently it was merely some forshadowing of what was to come.

Fast forward to about 12:30 AM and there you have myself and my buddies Z, Ike, and Catheter Man hanging out at Millie & Al's in Adam's Morgan (me, in Millie & Al's...go figure!). Anyway, we're in the upstairs bar and we've managed to grab ourselves a couple chairs, though I'm choosing to stand. There's a decent amount of people here and being newly single, I figure this is my first opportunity to check out chicks and actually consider the possibility that I could take one home.

Now, I have not been single for 6 years...meaning the last time I was single we had just gotten over the fact that Y2K wasn't the end of the world, Bill Clinton was still in office, and if someone mentioned the name Osama, I would have thought that was probably the name of the cabbie who just dropped us off in Adam's Morgan. So, as you can probably imagine, this is a bit of a dramatic change in my bar lifestyle.

Now, anyone that has gone out to the bars with me probably is thinking, J-Man can talk to anyone, just give him a couple beers and bring up some random topic and he'll go on and on like a freakin wind up monkey with cymbals.

True. But for some reason, on this particular night, I'm just not feeling it. Perhaps I'm not ready to be "single J-Man" quite yet or perhaps my confidence is low for some reason, or perhaps my brain is mush from a full day of moderate drinking and sun. Whatever the reason may be, a moderately attractive woman is constantly looking at me (in a good way, I believe) and my friends are embarassed by the fact that I am not making any sort of reaction to this blatant stare down.

I shrug it off and say, I'm not in the mood, but Z is having none of it. We all have this friend...the guy that wants you to grab some random ass so bad, you'd swear it was his knob that may get polished if the cards were played right. I actually have a couple of friends like this (which is not necessarily a good thing) and when Z doesn't take my request seriously and begins talking with this girl and informing her that I am being a bitch by not talking to her...I am eventually drawn in by her, "Man, you're friend is really busting on you"

And it's on.

Now, you're probably anticipating some great banter, a few smooth lines by the J-Man and perhaps what could be described as the parts of a porno that you fast forward through to get to the good stuff...but that is not the case. You see, Mariano Rivera just came into the game with only one on, and a one run lead, and the train is about to derail rapidly.

Me: What's this guy saying over here?
(Z mysteriously disappears)
Her: He's just busting on you. (Didn't we establish this fact a few seconds before, which is why I'm over here?)
Me: This guys been drinking all day, you can't trust anything he says.
Her: I've got a question for you.
Me: (blink..blink)
Her: You see when I was coming out here tonight, I was in such a hurry that I meant to grab my ID and my credit card and instead I grabbed my credit card and my Giant Food card.
Me: Well, at least you're saving money on your groceries.

(crickets are chirping now)

And Soriano just stole second

Her: So, do you think I can get into another bar?
Me: Well, what bar are you planning to go to?
Her: Tom Tom's
Me: (My brain finally registers what she's saying after focusing in on how big her lips Angelina Jolie) Wait, how did you get in here?
Her: (some incoherent babble that I forgot)
Me: Well, Tom Tom's is pretty tough at IDing so you might not be able to get in there (she has big boobs), but you're a good looking chick so they'll probably let you in.
Her: Wait, you just said one thing and then said the exact opposite. Why are you waffling? Are you a waffler?
Me: (what the hell just happened, I thought I just threw in a compliment about her looks and now she's accosting me. I looked over at Ike to see if he knew what had just happened, but I'm pretty sure Soriano just stole third and scored on an errant throw by Posada) Uuuuhhhh, I guess I did. I was just saying that you were good looking so they'd let you in even though they're tough on IDing. I guess I was a bit wishy washy in what I said.
Her: Thank you.
Me: (Now I am thoroughly baffled...why is she thanking me?) Why are you thanking me?
Her: (with an odd glare) You just wished me good luck in getting I was thanking you.

Guillen just tripled in Ward and now the train is off the track

Me: (Wishy washy...wish good luck??? I just wanna end this) Uh, yeah. Umm. It's real nice meeting you, but I think we're actually heading out.
Her: (confused and growing disgusted) OK.

And Zimmerman just drove in Guillen and this game's as good as over.

Man, that was an absolutely miserable five minutes. I proceeded to hunt down Z and berate him for his move. Unfortunately the damage was done, my confidence just got a wicked stinger. Looks like I'm a litte out of practice.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Worst Comic Standing

Alright, you may have already thought this yourself several days ago when Last Comic Standing originally aired, but I'm a Tivo guy and I don't watch shit when it's really on, I watch it when I'm good and ready. That being said, I just watched the latest episode of Last Comic Standing where they selected the last 5 (which turned into 7...sorry to ruin the surprise) remaining comics out of like 15, who are supposed to live in the house.

For those of you who have never watched this show, they select 10 up and coming comics to live in a house (a la Real World) and have them perform different comedy related stuff over a period of weeks, and each week one comic is eliminated until they have one comic left. I've watched the last two seasons of the show and though some of the comics kinda suck, the overall quality of the comics on the show is pretty decent...until now.

For some reason, the producers of this show selected Kathy Griffin and Tim Meadows as two of the judges of these comics. What?! How good of a judge of comedy can a D-List celebrity whose only jokes are telling stories about Celine Dion or a guy who had one decent character in like 10 years of starring on SNL be? Oh, I see. Terrible.

In this week's episode, each comic had like 3 minutes each to belch out some comedy, and some of these people were downright horrible. I think the guy from Talk Soup was up there...and made it into the house!!!! And then the really fat Mexican guy with the high voice, who's like the Pillsbury Doughboy version of Carlos Mencia, and who absolutely irritates the hell out of me...he's in the house!!!?? But it gets worse. Some old broad who only focuses on how shriveled her ovaries are and complains that she's about to die...she got in! Then a poor man's version of Ellen Degenerous whose only funny lines came after her set was over...she's in!! Can it get any worse??!!! Yes. They chose a stereotypical goomba wife (who's knocked up) and bitches about how bad her husband is in bed?? That kind of humor was never funny...not since Andrea Dice Clay on "In Living Color." But, there she was, walking her bloated ass onto the stage and into that house. But then, the most annoying and non-funny of all the comedians gets selected...a lady who's showing off her fat stomach while jumping around the stage, overly acting a story of her going to the gym. These comics absolutely sucked.

There were like 4 other funny comedians who deserved to be picked, including the guy who opened for Darrell Hammond at Caroline's in NYC when I was up there for my buddy's bachelor party (and he killed) and the seque guy, who's pure genius. Why are these guys going home?! Why were they not picked?! Not since the Ricky Paugh incident has the picking of comedy been this horrendous. And then it dawned on me.

This is not a show about finding the best comic. This is a show about comics living in a house together, pretending to be a show about finding the best comic. Just like the "Real World" seems to always have some chick with an eating disorder, a fag, a stupid redneck, and an overly aggressive black man...Last Comic Standing wanted a retard (yes, they have one), a dyke, an angry old bitch, a fat guy, and your stereotypical goomba.

Todd Glass wasn't funny because he was a retard.
Ant wasn't funny because he was gay. (well, he wasn't funny)
Kathleen Madigan wasn't funny because she was old and angry.
Ralphie May wasn't funny because he was fat.
And Tammy Pescatelli wasn't funny because she was Italian.

They were actually funny comedians...let's not try and re-create them NBC!!

So, for those of you who have missed the first few episodes and were hoping to catch up now, you're in for a big let down. If you wanna see good comedy, watch Comedy Central...'cause these guys suck. Where's Jay Mohr? He wouldn't stand for this.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Black Cloud

I swear, there is a black cloud lingering over my head recently. As you may recall, there was the debacle a few weeks back where my car needed new tires and brakes, and I lost over a grand in Vegas. Well, apparently Lady Luck has decided to let me flounder a bit longer.

On Friday, I get back from working out on the road to find a note from the lady who works next door to my office. Her note says that a White Toyota Corolla with handicapped (of course) tags hit my car, and then drove away. Now I have a huge dent/scratch combo on my front right bumper and some 'tard woman running around thinking she got away with it. Well, I'll show that special little bitch. I sent her info onto Geico so they can track her handicapped ass down to pay for this shit.

Then, on Monday, I wake up feeling like shit, so I decide to call in sick. I'm resting when the phone rings and my mom calls me from work to tell me that another 'tard (this time, not clinical) hit one of my vans on Connecticut Avenue, and who's driving that truck but my one driver who isn't covered by my policy and is only driving for a week while another guy is out of town for a family reunion. Needless to say, the lady driving the other car is, of course, stating the accident was his fault, even though the dent is obviously from her hitting him, and now my insurance company is giving me a hard time.

Can it get any worse?!! Oh, yes. My computer at work...the one with all of my proposals and well as my 7000 poolowner list...and all my work order templates...has crashed and will not restart. Hopefully a geek visit on Thursday morning can resolve this issue and right this ship.

At least it was my neighbor's house that got hit by lightning on Thursday night. I guess their black cloud was a little bigger.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

I Alone

For the first time in my 28 year existence, I am living alone. This morning, at 7:30 AM, my newly ex-girlfriend Amy and her step father began their long drive to Colorado, leaving me (and Chloe) alone for the foreseeable future.

It's very strange coming home to a house that you have only known with the presence of someone else in it, and they're no longer there. Amy took not only herself, but with her left a warmth to the house as a whole. I'm not much for flowers and brick-a-brack, but that was Amy's forte. You'd be surprised what a difference a wicker dish with potpouri in it can do to the entire feeling of a bathroom. What was soft and peaceful, is now cold and sterile. How do women do that?

The other strange thing is that the place seems very empty. Amy did not have much furniture, but what she did have was a part of the living space that I had grown accustomed to...and now it is gone. A full closet in the bedroom is empty and the spare room has only a rug in it. Heck, my study, where I am right now, has only this computer table, a printer stand and Chloe's window chair to go along with the big empty wall where Amy's computer used to sit.

But nothing is more jarring than the idea that the person that was here to listen to my gripes, to share my free time, and complement my overly excitable nature with her calmative reasoning for most of my post-college life, is no longer around.

Am I sad? More than you'll ever know. But hopefully time will help me to make new memories in this house, in my life, and I will not regret the choices I have made. I have never been religious, though I consider myself spiritual, so I have been asking, "God, give me strength."

Don't worry about me, I knew this wouldn't be easy and I always bounce back. I usually shield my feelings behind jokes and humor, but today, I feel it's best to let it go. But soon, the humor will return to the blog.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

A New Beginning

A change was needed. I wasn't happy. It just didn't seem like we were on the same page. I just didn't expect it to be so obvious that now was the time. Last night, I quit my football team. I had been playing with this group of guys for a while now, though I had just recently changed from my previous squad to the "Dream Team" of guys, assembled to win the championship where our old team had fallen short. Most of the best players from my last team were with me and we added a new quarterback as well as a safety, and a mishmosh of fill-in guys and things were looking great to start.

Everything was fine. I felt it was a little weird playing with a new quarterback after having played with my younger brother as quarterback for the last 5 years, but the team was winning so I didn't have any gripes.

As the weeks went on though, I started picking up on some of our differences, and I knew that things would probably not work out in the long run. Our quarterback was insistent on throwing the ball deep and would force the ball to another receiver in particular, regardless of how well he was covered. For the most part this didn't harm us in the early going, and I learned to deal with life this way. But as anyone can tell you, the little problems can fester and eventually become big problems and eventually lead to a breakup.

So, we've lost and tied our last two games of the season after shutting out our opponents the first 5 games. Our QB is forcing the ball and now it's resulting in dropped passes by that receiver or interceptions...and I'm getting frustrated running routes when there's little chance I'm gonna get the ball.

Am I not a good wide receiver? Am I not as fast as I used to be? I felt like I was good just a few weeks before when I was playing for the other team, but now I'm not sure. My confidence was dropping and the losses are even more frustrating because I'm not even happy just playing.

So I talk with my old team and they need some guys for a fill-in as they are short handed one game. I've got nothing better to do, so I play with them. Several catches, a touchdown, and an interception...I've still got it. I'm not bad all of a sudden, I'm just not in the right place.

But I've made a commitment to this team and to switch squads near the end of the season would be rude and I've paid to play and we still could win the chamionship. So last night, we played our first playoff game.

The game begins and our same problems are slapping me in the face. I'm being covered by a 5'6" kinda fat white kid and he's trying to bump me at the line. I'm wide open nearly every play, and yet the passes continue to go to the same now-double covered receiver. I bring my mismatch to the quarterback's attention, but nothing changes. He attempts to throw the ball to me once, which I catch for a 20-25 yard gain, only to have the play called back due to a hold on the offensive line. I can't stand it any more, we're down 0-11 and I know we should be winning, if only we were on the same page.

And then it happens. Our lineman, who's acting as the coach, lets some random shithead, who claims to play semi-pro ball and who they brought in to be a playoff ringer, take my spot and I have to sit the last drive of the season. By the way, wouldn't you think that a semi-pro player should get paid? Isn't that the whole difference between pro and rec? I guess he must be more semi and less pro, though he somehow gets the QB to throw him two straight passes to start the drive, which he proceeds to let go right through his hands.

And at this moment, I knew our relationship was over. It couldn't have been more of a slap in the face than to not only get benched in a rec game, but to have it happen for no reason (I haven't dropped any passes, and I scored a TD the game before, despite only getting that one pass thrown my way) and to be replaced by someone who has only come to one other game of ours and is a giant douche.

So I take off my jersey, take off my gloves, and wait out the last 1:30 on the clock before making my final exit. In case I didn't mention, we lost 0-11, ending our season. We were a good team, but not a great team, and apparently we couldn't win a championship together. And since I wasn't happy, it's best I move on. And if I also didn't mention, my 6 year relationship with my girlfriend ended one week prior to this debacle. It's time for a new beginning.

Thank you all for your support thusfar. I'm sure I'll find a team where everyone is on the same page soon enough.