Saturday, April 12, 2008

Brain Farts 9

While I likely have had random thoughts in the last year and a half, it looks as though I haven't posted a Brain Farts post in that long. Then again, I haven't posted all that much in general. Well, here's to coming back to the blogging with a hearty helping of incomplete thoughts. Not quite as funny as the whole shit, but still humorous.
  • Yesterday it was nice and sunny, so when I got home I walked out onto my deck. It is at that moment that I decided the deck was entirely too crowded, what with the grill, big table, 8 chairs and two audomons. So being the ever compulsive individual I am, a solution needed to be made. So I took the glass off the giant table, set it aside, and chucked the table over the edge. Now I have more room.
  • It happens with every girlfriend I've ever had, the moment after we've broken up and some time (some shorter than others) has passed. And then someone comes along and mentions that "oh yeah, she's dating some new guy now." While it's always a natural assumption they're going to find someone new, it's never a pleasant thing to hear about it. And so of course, this bomb from my latest ex-girlfriend is dropped on me about 4 drinks into last night by my buddy Dave. Here's our exchange: Me: She's in a relationship with someone already? Dave: Yeah, I thought you would have heard. Me: Uh, no. Dave: I'll get the first round of shots.
  • For work on Friday, we needed to get a whole bunch of top soil to fill in a planter area to complete a backyard that I planned and renovated (it's quite awesome, I'll put up some pics like the HGTV star I am). So the natural choice for getting this top soil is Home Depot, where they have cubic foot bags of the stuff for just over a dollar. We had grabbed a few earlier in the week, but it wasn't enough, so we had to make a return visit to get some more. When I got to the area where it is stored, there are two empty pallets on the ground, and two more on the shelf above it. Thankfully, there are two full pallets on each of the three shelves above that. They're out of reach, so I turn to a guy who works there and ask him if we could get some of those. Here's our exchange: Me: Can you get us down some of those up there? Him: Nope, they're too high. Me: Well, can you get a forklift or something to get them down. Him: I already asked my manager earlier and he said we just can't get to it. So, I can see the top soil. I can almost even reach the bottom of the top soil. But, no, I can not buy the top soil. How does Home Depot stay in business? Oh yeah, the other 100 crazy gardening women that are running around grabbing plants and mulch.

Well, that's all for now. I'll try to keep up the posting, as there should be some craziness coming up with work picking up, and all the adventures that come with that.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Holding the Bag

So the weather is getting nicer and with that comes my increased desire to walk my dog. She gets super crazy when I even get near the table where her leash is, so you can imagine the excitement when I actually grab it and say the four letter word...SHIT. No, just kidding, it's sick bastards. Anyway, the other day I decided to take Chloe for a walk across Tuckerman over to the Gables where both my brothers now live.

Crossing Tuckerman is always a chore, and of course, this particular day is no different. I make it to the island in the middle and the next guy sees us waiting there so he stops. I've seen a teenage girl get nailed by a car crossing the street (it's on another blog, and wasn't a funny one in the slightest) so we're a bit hesitant to start across the street even with this guy's nice gesture.

Sure enough, the jackass two behind him doesn't like the unexpected stop and (illegally) pulls sharply out from behind him to the right lane and speeds through the crosswalk. The guy who had stopped lays on the horn at this jackass, but he's oblivious to his obvious violation. Thankfully, I didn't expect any better.

The road is now clear, so Chloe and I run across and she proceeds to take a dump on the hill right next to the park, which tends to be her go to spot every time we take a walk. Whenever I pass people with dogs and see them pick up poop in a bag, I laugh, but sadly, I am now playing the role of poop grabber, which is not a pleasant place to be. I don't even touch my own shit, and here I am picking up crap from my dog's ass...I've seen what she eats, this is not cool. Why do I put myself through this? But it's gonna get worse. I do the old "bag inside out and tie off" routine and then walk over to the trash can by the fields to make the deposit, and we continue on our walk.

We walk another 10-15 minutes and are now on Sugarbush Lane, with another dog and its owner walking on the other side of the street. We approach the community pool and "Poop Machine" Chloe decides that it's time to make a second pile. What the fuck!!?? I only bring one bag when we go on walks and one poop grabbing is more than enough for me in a 24 hour period, so I'm not happy about this exchange. I make this known verbally, as I have no more bags and am anticipating a poop and run when I see the old lady and her dog looking over at us, waiting, watching, stalking. She wants to see some poop grabbing, and I know she's the type that's gonna make a scene if we bolt.

So, here I am, pile o' poop in the grass, Chloe feeling pretty good about herself, and me standing there without a bag. I check my pockets and am somewhat (but not too much) pleased to find two tissues that I have been carrying around during this whole swollen eye routine. Yep, I'm gonna have to do this. I've got an audience and my back's against the wall.

I put the tissues in my hand and reach down to grab the crap. I'm about to puke from the pure filthiness and warmth of this task, and am ready to run for the clubhouse to dump the dump in the a trashcan...and wouldn't you know it.

Right at this moment, a lady and her two teenage daughters(?) pull up in their car and want to ask me for directions. Are you kidding me??!! Well, I'm not kidding you. Standing there, with several logs of dog crap in my hand nuzzled within two tissues, I am telling this lady where the park on Gloxinia Road is. Apparently, she did not see the grave look of horror on my face, as she asks me to repeat my directions before I run towards the clubhouse, make the deposit, and thank god that I didn't puke all over the place.

And wouldn't you guess it, Chloe doesn't want to go in this direction so amongst her struggling, she finds a way to riggle free from her collar completely and stands there, uncollared, before running away from me, forcing me to chase her down and yell at her in order to get her to stop and get her collar back on.

And why do I walk this dog again???!!!