Friday, January 18, 2008

Don't See "Cloverfield"

This is a warning to all of my friends to avoid seeing the new movie "Cloverfield." Since most of you live in a cave, I imagine you might not even know that there is in fact a movie called Cloverfield or that it released today.

My older brother called me yesterday and wanted me to go with him to see it since his wife didn't want to. You see, this movie is basically a modern day United States version of Godzilla, where some strange giant monster destroys New York City. The difference in this movie is that it is shown entirely from a first person camcorder-esque perspective, a la Blair Witch (which I still have never seen).

Had I seen Blair Witch, perhaps I would have been prepared for what was about to happen. You see, while this seems like a good concept for a movie and really draws you in to the real life terror of living through a monster destroying your town (ironically after a surprise party for one of the main characters who is moving to Japan), the camera work should I put this...nauseating.

No, literally. There is not a still moment in the entire movie with the camera often jerking around in all sorts of directions and even swaying when the "cameraman" is trying to be still. The result is that about 15 minutes into the movie, I'm starting to feel dizzy and queezy. A few more minutes in and I'm forcing myself to look away from the screen for fear that I'm gonna yack all of the floor. Seriously, I probably didn't watch about 20 minutes worth of movie...and this treasure went on for about 1-1/2 hours. I leaned over to my bro and told him I might just up and leave, and he actually did for about 5 minutes, but somehow we made it through.

By the end of the movie, I feel physically ill, I had trouble driving home due to the motion sickness making the world seem blurry and uneasy even when I left the theater, and now I'm wondering if I should have just paid the $9.50 for some bad fish and dealt with the same feeling without giving up 1.5 hours of my day to get to this point. Save yourself from this anguish...avoid this movie. I wouldn't even recommend it on DVD. You've been warned.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Definitely Not Snow Tires

So as most of you know, since most of you guys live here, it is snowing today. It's been doing so since like 11:30 AM and being the hard working pool man that I am, that meant I was leaving work at 12:15 PM. Thankfully I only live 5 minutes from work...but thanks to this wonderful snow, which had started to stick around this time, it took me 25 adventure-filled minutes.

Everything was cool for most of the trip, as I'm crusing along Old Georgetown Road, which is a major road that other cars have been passing over. I turn down Tuckerman, which is slightly down hill from this direction and approach my turn. Here's where I come to realize why performance tires suck. I'm going maybe 15 mph and I press on the brakes to slow down enough to make the turn...and then I start to skid. The "SLIP" light come on on my dashboard, which I think it supposed to help the tires, but I'm not slowing down and my car is starting to spin to the right from the back. There's a car waiting to turn out of my neighborhood as well, so I make the quick decision and just take my foot off the brake and accelerate past my turn, assuming I catch the next one.

I make it down to the next turn, but I'm slightly nervous as this way includes a relatively steep uphill right at the start. I'm going about 5 mph, and looking in my rearview I see another car turn completely sideways on Tuckerman about 300 yards behind me, assumedly having tried to make the turn before mine.

I'm able to make the turn this time without any difficulty and then I begin my ascent up the hill. I make it about halfway up before I just stop dead. I attempt to turn right and left, but any attempt to accelerate actually starts sending me backwards and at all sorts of angles. I back up a view feet, hoping to get a better grip, but encounter the same thing. I even try backing up into the gutter, since there is no snow there, but the result is the same. Even the backing up was dicey.

And this is where the swearing begins. I'm about 1/4 mile from my house, and I'm in my neighborhood, so I technically could just bail on the car, but when would I be able to get it, and what are the odds it doesn't get smashed up by others in my same perdicament within the next couple hours. And now the windows are fogging up. FUCK!!! And here comes a Honda Accord driving problem for them. FUCK!!! And a Lexus SUV. FUCK YOU!!!

Well, I've got to do something. I could back up right onto Tuckerman, but that's a busy street, my windows are fogged, and I'm not even sure if I can start from a stopped position on that slight hill. I've got to turn around here on the side street, and if I get stuck...I'm gonna be really fucked, but at least not immediately killed.

Using the downhill force, I'm able to back around into a turn, and pull a three point turnabout to put me facing Tuckerman. This might just work. I get to the edge of Tuckerman and thankfully no one is coming so I don't have to stop as I glide onto the street. It's much more clear than my side street and my car's got decent footing as I head up towards the first turn that I missed before. I make the light in between and slowly approach my left turn, which would require me to get into a turn lane...which of course has a layer of snow on it. And of course, there's a bunch of cars coming so I have to stop. And now I'm stuck again. FUCK!!!! I try the back up and try again technique to no success, so now I decide to use the downhill momentum once again to get back into the left lane to attempt a turn from there.

Luckily, no cars are coming as I back onto the main street, begin moving forward and approach my turn again. But there's still a line of cars coming. And now a car is coming up behind me. And I really don't think stopping is an option. FUCK!!! So I bang the right and head away from my house, but at least this road is flat, and oddly clear of snow.

I whip out my second three point turn of the adventure and now I'm approaching my street head on. Thankfully, by the time I reach Tuckerman, no one is coming and I glide across the whole street and am in my neighborhood once again.

By this point, the streets are completely covered in this wet snow and each turn I make is couple with that stupid "SLIP" light coming on. They might as well not have it or just change it to say "YOU'RE FUCKED" because it really doesn't do shit. So I finally make it to my street, the "YOU'RE FUCKED" light is on constantly as I careen up the way, and I already know there's no way I'm gonna be able to make the sharp left into my driveway, so I drive around the circle to give myself a better angle at my driveway and cruise in relatively straight and into my garage.

Why did I ever sell my Toyota??

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The Sadder Side of the J-Man

Well, it's been a couple weeks since I last posted, and quite a bit has happened, including my attempts to work things out with my ex-girlfriend, which ultimately ended in an unpleasant New Years Day, and an eventual decision that we are no longer getting along and that we certainly wouldn't be able to last through another 2 years of long distance relationship. At least it was a breakup on good terms, and we had said that we would keep in touch and be friendly...if that is really possible.

You all know me. I laugh, I joke, and I try to fill my life with silly adventures like the one in my last post. But the truth is, no matter how much I keep my feelings to myself and shrug off these bumpy roads life has left for me, I'm still human and not having someone with you that you've had for over a year is tough. I keep going down this same road again, and with it, you always get crappy days like today...well, I guess it was yesterday since it's 1 AM and I can't sleep.

You see, while the internet has always been helpful to me, giving me this blog as a place to vent what I would usually keep to myself, giving me fantasy sports, and of course giving me porn, the internet has also given me, and everyone, a much easier way to keep track of all your friends. And that's where today's downfall begins. On the glorious website known as Facebook. Much like myspace, which I've blogged about before, Facebook allows you to see what past high school friends are up to, reconnect with lost college fraternity brothers, and unfortunately see when your ex-girlfriend of 10 days decides to put up an update that she's going to a "Dirty Doctors and Naughty Nurses" party.

And you don't even have to look on their page to find this information out, thanks to the "home" page which gives you recently changed info from your "friends" regardless of whether you wanted to know. And trust me, I didn't want to know. And I wonder if Jaclyn knew this when she posted it? Because she didn't use to change this feature very often. And I also wonder if the same was true when 5 pictures from this splendid gathering were posted this morning, and of these five, one includes a guy hugging her and playfully kissing her on the cheek?

Now perhaps I'm the crazy ex-boyfriend, and I'm over-reacting to an innocent picture of fun partying, and technically it's not my place to have any opinion what she does or doesn't do now, but why post this picture? And why do it 10 days after a one year relationship has ended? For all my readers who have had a relationship end in the past, I'm sure you, like me, don't want to know...and certainly don't want to see...if your ex is with some guy right after you breakup...especially when you supposedly ended on good terms. I know if I had a picture like this, I certainly wouldn't post it. I have tons of pictures on my computer from events that I don't post on Facebook. But I disgress.

So while today should have been an upbeat day watching the beloved Cowboys get their asses kicked, all I have been able to do is ask myself these questions over and over again, while that picture sits in my memories. I removed Jaclyn as one of my friends on facebook, because I just can't have these kinds of surprises popping up again. I wrote her an email to let her know why, but I haven't heard back from her. I doubt I will, and I now doubt a lot of things.

Like I said before, it's a path I've been down before, and I've made it through in the past. Ironically, I've got a large scratch from football in the middle chest that looks like I had open heart surgery. Time will heal both of these wounds, but for now, they both sting and make it hard to sleep.