Saturday, May 19, 2012

Painting a Nursery

You ever see those lovely commercials, where a husband and wife are playfully and lovingly painting a nursery for their soon-to-be new arrival.  Well, here's the reality:

  • Your wife is not gonna be there, because the fumes from the paint are "harmful to the baby."
  • It's gonna be like 100 degrees in the room because it's hot out and you need the windows open, plus there's no blinds because you needed to remove them in order to paint.
  • Because it's so hot, you're only wearing a pair of shorts, but you're still sweating your ass off
  • Paint is getting everywhere because the roller spits little mists of paint all over your hand and face.  And somehow you got paint on your toes, and left a bunch of marks on the floor?
  • You know after covering half a wall that you're going to have to put on at least a second coat, which means when you're "done", you're at best halfway there.
  • You're already 3/4 of the way through the only can of paint your wife bought you and you're still not done with the first coat, so guess who's going to Home Depot...on a get more.
  • And after you complete all of this painstaking labor, you know the little jerk is gonna piss, shit, and draw all over the walls in crayons or something all before he's three years old.
Where's that commercial, Behr???

Top 10: Having a Baby

My posts have been few and far between over the past couple years, but I'm hoping that as a journal to myself and other expectant fathers, to be posting more over the next year or so.  And yes, you read that right, the J-Man is expecting a little baby boy in August. 

So, in light of this incredible news and some changes around the house that I've been noticing, I give you a new Top 10 List.

The Top 10 Way You Know You're About to Become a Dad
10.  A "crib" is no longer a cool term for your house.
9.  The 20% Off coupons you get from Bed, Bath, and Beyond in the mail are now like gold, to be treasured.
8.  You even know that the Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons work at Buy Buy Baby
7.  After years of praying, your wife's boobs, are in fact, growing
6.  Instead of glancing at the attractive woman pushing a stroller at the mall, you're looking at the stroller to see which kind it is.
5.  You know that Graco and Chicco are not new late night hot spots.
4.  Your wife has gone from not farting in front of you, to telling you that she hasn't pooped in four days.
3.  A sonogram picture is your facebook profile picture...wait, no, please don't ever do this.
2.  You know EXACTLY when your wife's last menstrual period was.
1.  It's Saturday afternoon, your wife is out of town, your friends are at a bar watching sports, and you're painting a nursery.

And now, back to painting.  Ugh.