Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Top 10 Christmas Gifts She Won't Want

I'll totally get around to writing a recap of the cruise as well as some other fun recent activities, including a trip to AC last Saturday, but I felt inspired to write another Top 10 List, and this one is topical, so I couldn't delay. Following along the same lines as my Top 10 Things No Woman Wants to Hear, I give you:

Top 10 Things No Woman Wants for Christmas
10. A gift pack from Bath & Body Works (This is obviously a cop out gift, and every woman knows it)
9. Another lame excuse why you won't give her a wedding ring (Trust me, I've given this gift before and she didn't like it)
8. Anything electronic (She's gonna know you bought it for yourself and that you actually had fun buying it, and that's gonna piss her off)
7. Anything that isn't wrapped (You could wrap a box of cereal from the pantry and it would be better than handing her the gift still in the original bag)
6. Jewelry with diamonds (OK, I totally was just testing to see if you were actually reading. Joking about giving her diamonds and not giving them is especially bad)
5. A year's supply of Nutri-system (Yeah, you better duck when she opens this one)
4. Jackie Chan blow-up doll with actual-sized Asian penis
3. Driving lessons
2. A menage a trois (the 2-girl variety) (But wouldn't it be great if she did?)
1. K-Fed

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Top 10: Cruise No-No's

As some of you may already be aware, I am heading out of town on Friday en route to Miami and ultimately a weekend cruise to the Bahamas. This will be my second cruise, and I am somewhat excited to see how this cruise compares to my last one, which was really fun. In anticipation of this trip, I thought I would bring back another of my old favorites, The Top 10 List. So, I hope you all enjoy:

The Top 10 Things You Shouldn't Do On A Cruise
10. Repeatedly ask people where the poop deck is
9. Smuggle weed you bought on the island back onto the boat inside your own poop deck
8. Attempt to pick up women by offering to let them join the boating equivalent of the Mile High Club
7. Run around in a red rugby shirt and floppy white hat, yelling "SKIPPER!!"
6. Challenge old women to card games and then flip the table in disgust after they beat you
5. Inform complete strangers that your plans at the next island are to "plunder."
4. Grow an afro and mustache, wear a white suit and offer love advice to anyone that will listen
3. Naked wrestle a fat foreign guy and then chase him around the boat
2. Jump in the hot joke needed. No, I'm serious, don't jump in that hot tub. Have you seen the other people on this boat with you???
1. Grab small children and their mothers and throw them off the boat, proclaiming, "Women and children first!"

Bon Voyage, bitches. I'll post some stories and pics when I return.

Happy Holidays to Me

Last week, we decided to send an extra Holiday gift to those clients of ours that had purchased some very large items or projects this year. This was sort of an extra 'Thank you' to these particular clients, above the standard Christmas card that we send to all of our regulars. Having just received some Mrs. See's chocolates from one of our main vendors, I knew I wasn't going to send these out. You see, unlike Russell Stovers (my chocolate candy maker of choice) Mrs. See's does not label the chocolates in their boxes. And if you're anything like me, this usually results in the consumption of several absolutely disgusting chocolates due to sheer ignorance as to what is inside. I swear one was filled with mud.

So with this disaster in mind, I decided you can't go wrong with cookies. I had eaten Cheryl & Co.'s cookies in the past and knew that my favorites that they made (Sugar, Snickerdoodle, Oatmeal Raisin, and Cherry Chocolate Chip) were all really good. So we visited their site, found a nice Holiday box gift pack and shipped a few assorted cookies out to these lucky clients.

Of course, the package would include a short note, wishing them a Happy Holidays and thanking them for using our company this year, signed by me and the company as a whole. Ah yes, a perfect little touch to end the year.

But now I'm starting to think about those delicious cookies. Heck, I want some of those delicious cookies too! But nobody knows the ones that I like...except me.

So, I ordered myself the same gift pack, but specifically chose an assortment of just my favorite cookies. And of course, I included a card...I mean it is the Holidays:

Dear J-Man,
Enjoy these delicious cookies.
Love, You

Man, was I pleasantly greeted on Monday afternoon, when I found a package sitting at my front door...full of these great cookies. I really outdid myself this time...and it was sent with love. Love of cookies. Happy Holidays to me.

Monday, December 11, 2006


Given some concerns and complaints by past readers of my blog, I feel it is only appropriate that I post this new entry which I will have a permanent link to should you ever again feel uneasy with anything you have read:

  • J-Man is a fictional character. The fact that I (the writer of this blog) refer to him in the first person is merely a literary device to help pull you in and identify with the characters.
  • Some of the events described in this blog may be construed by many to be "illegal." It is in these instances that you must remember that the events, much like J-Man, are fictional. They may be loosely based on real events and locations, but once again...fictional.
  • All of my blogs are intended for the sole purpose of entertainment. The actions described in this blog should not be attempted without proper supervision or not attempted at all.
  • If you are a midget, retarded, physically handicapped, black, Asian, fat, ugly, female, Indian (Crazy Horse or Crazy Cabbie variety), Muslim, Jewish, non-Jewish, Irish, infected with an STD, an alcoholic, or other such grouping that I have mocked or made fun of at one point or another, please understand that my blog entries are to be taken as humor (regardless of whether they're actually funny).

Again, thank you for reading my blog. I feel now that we have established some of the rules of the blog, it is a happier environment for everyone to read and enjoy. God bless.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Brain Farts 7

Wow, no posts for two weeks and then I'm gonna drop two on you in one day! The other one I actually had started a little while ago and just completed today, so I feel it's acceptable that I throw out a new one going over some of the finer snippets I have come across over the last few weeks. As always, I bring you Brain Farts: Not quite as satisfying as the full shit, but still entertaining:

  • So, ever since Britney Spears burst onto the scene back when I was in college, I have wanted to see her naked. I am a man, she is a hot's only natural. Well, now, here we are a mere 7 years later, and finally my prayers were answered. She drank it up with Paris Hilton and decided to go commando in a short skirt and a low car. But now she is fatter, trashier, a smoker, and a mother of two. Ugh. What a huge letdown. I am thoroughly upset by the quality of the pictures. That didn't stop me from saving them to my computer though. Come on, seriously?
  • As I mentioned in the last post, I have found a new addiction in MySpace. And thank god I did. Because just last week, I received a new email and friend request from a random girl that I didn't recognize at first...and actually assumed was just another ad for porn (yeah, myspace mail has it too) until I read her profile. It is after that, and reading her message, that I realized it is a girl I actually had met only twice before and thought was ridiculously hot (thus the assuming it was porn). Because you see, this girl is not the normal kind of hot, she's the kind of hot where your guy friends wanna shake your hand and your girl friends demand to know why you're hanging out with "a whore." Well, not only did she locate me even though I had know idea she even knew my last name, she's now emailing me regularly and has now even begun texting me. God has obviously seen the pain I have endured this year, and is finally giving me something good. The possibility of hooking up with a girl like this is an inbred dream of all men since they first discover that the penis is used for more than just pissing, and I pray that I am somehow strong and funny enough to pull that off.
  • Last night, I'm out at Dave & Busters with Jax and my buddy Dave, pounding a few drinks, playing the horse racing game (you know you love it) and grabbing some grub towards the end of the night, when Jax brings a friend of hers, that she ran into on her way from the bathroom, over to the table where we're sitting. This would normally not be an issue, except that this guy is a uniformed cop. So there we are, shooting the shit with this guy, me sucking back on my 5th Captain & Coke, when the bar announces that it is closing down. So, then he asks "Who's driving?" And it's me. And I'm pissing my pants (in the bad way), so I throw out this line: "Whoever's sober enough to find the car." Ha, ha, ha. A good laugh is had by all, we walk out of the place, he even walks halfway through the parking lot with us, before wishing us a good night. And then I got home and changed my underwear.

New Distractions

As you have probably noticed, the amount of posting I have done on this site has decreased tremendously over the last couple weeks. It's not that I don't care about you, my readers, it's that I have found so many new distracting things that seem to be taking up alot of my time. The first, and most distracting, is myspace.

For those of you that aren't familiar with myspace, why don't you come out of your hole real quick and let me explain to you this completely pointless addiction. Myspace is basically like setting up your own personal ad, much like, except it is considered acceptable for even people in relationships to do so. The main purpose of Myspace is so that you can locate all of your old high school and college friends and ex-girlfriends and see how fat, bald, and/or whorish they have gotten. Much like a high school reunion, laughs are had at the expense of the few unfortunate shlubs, but without the whole awkward "what are you doing now? blah blah blah" conversations.

But there's more than just old acquaintances to be found. There is also a giant library of songs, music videos and television show clips that can honestly take up several hours of mindless clicking. I believe I have now seen every Sportscenter commercial since 1995, some several times, as well as every Saturday Night Live sketch that ever featured Will Ferrell. But not only can you watch them yourself, you can save them and bring them to your own page, so that your friends and old acquaintances can waste hours watching them too. You're welcome.

In addition, you can add pointless surveys/questionnaires that tell you things such as "what type of beer are you?" and "what color are you?" For those of you that have never seen such things, yes, it is as stupid as it sounds. And yes, I am Corona Light and the color you didn't already know.

But nothing is more popular on Myspace than plastering your own pictures and those of your friends on your main page so that they, and the whole world, can see how shitfaced you all got last weekend or how much little Jimmy has grown. But why stop at can upload movies if you want.

And that leads me to my newest distraction...a digital camcorder. Yes, I know digital camcorders are for people with families or up and coming pornographers, and I don't have the former, but I have greater plans than being the next John Stagliano. Aside from promoting my dog as a future TV pet star, I plan to turn my blogging from merely the written word to the visual concept. It's called growth, assholes, and I'm trying to enlighten you with some visual humor to go along with my wity banter. Give it some time, as I asked for the editing software for Christmas/Hannukah/Birthday so I'll get it by the 28th at the latest. In the meantime, I'm brainstorming ideas of things that make me wanna pee my pants (in the good way) and taking raw footage of comical things (people falling, retards, Asian people driving, etc.) that I can somehow edit into several overall concepts later.

And lastly, in addition to strengthening my mind, I am once again returning to trying to strengthen my body, having returned to the gym after my injury and post-injury waiting period. Gold's has obviously missed me, but I haven't missed naked 70-year old men hanging out in the locker room.

So, now you need not wonder if the J-Man had died. I'm still kicking, and wasting more time than ever doing basically useless things along the same lines as blogging. I'll keep the posting coming though, and hopefully in 2007 will start to incorporate some video footage. I know, you can't wait.