Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Spare Microwave

Earlier tonight, I was laying in bed when I started to get hungry. I hadn't eaten dinner yet, so I dragged myself out of bed, headed down to my kitchen and checked the fridge. In there, I saw my leftover Chinese food from Monday night. Perfect. I'll just heat that up in the microwave and I'll be set in a couple minutes.

I grabbed the food out, poured it onto a plate, put the plate in the microwave, and closed the microwave door. But then I noticed it. The clock was not on. A quick look over at the oven showed that its clock was working fine. I checked to see if the microwave had come unplugged, but it was still in place. Odd.

So, I headed downstairs to see if maybe the breaker that controls that outlet had tripped. Why not? Sure enough, I get down there and find a breaker tripped, I reset it, and I'm back up to the kitchen. But the microwave clock is still not on. I lower my view to the toaster over below which is plugged into a separate outlet and turn its knob. Light comes on...this outlet works. I am determined to eat this chinese food so I snake the microwave cord out of its normal spot, grab the microwave and lower it so the cord can reach this obviously functional outlet. I plug it in...and no power still.

I've been taking some drugs for the past couple days to combat a head cold that I likely got standing and sitting in the freezing cold of the Skins game on Sunday night, so despite this set back, I'm relatively unfazed. Looks like the microwave is broken.

So, I pull it off the counter and set it on the floor in the kitchen to be thrown away at a later date. I walk back downstairs to my storage closet, move some boxes and Christmas decorations, and grab my spare microwave.

I carry it back upstairs to the kitchen, plug it in to the easiest accessible outlet, and pop my Chinese food in. A minute and a half later and I'm enjoying my food. Overall, the whole exchange took about 15 minutes, so I didn't get my food as fast as I originally wanted it...which sucks. But, at least I got my food, right?

So, you're probably sitting there reading this going, "why in the fuck do you have a spare microwave??!!" when you should really be asking yourself, "how pissed would I have been if I didn't have that spare microwave??!!"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Not So Green

Two Saturdays ago, Danielle and I decided to go to the Food & Entertainment festival down at the Convention Center. It was advertised to have plenty of food samples and presentations by Giada, Bobby Flay, and Paula Dean. I love food, so this seemed like a no-brainer. And what also worked out nicely was the fact that Danielle was actually going to be working at the Green Festival at the exact same time, in the exact same building. Small world. However, this would also mean that I would have to go to the Green Festival.

Yes, I went to the Green Festival.

When it comes to being green, I would have to say I'm pretty much a faded shade of red (color wheel humor...gotta love it). I rarely recycle; I leave lights and my computer on often; I eat anything, regardless of how it was killed, harvested or prepared; and I send out 5 Ford vans and a diesel truck to pollute our air each and every day. But since I'm at the festival, why not check it out?

So, on Saturday afternoon, I made my way down to the Convention Center. I checked in as a guest of Danielle's company and walked into the giant hall on my way to find her. What I found was a different world. It's funny how the majority of people from different professions and backgrounds tend to look more or less the same. I go to the Pool & Spa Show every year and there's just this "look" that the majority of pool guys tend to have. If you went to Atlantic City during this time, you could definitely pick out a large portion of the attendees. Well, it seems people in the "Green" professions are in the same boat.

You've got your fair share of people with dread locks here and a spattering of wool caps with the extended part that comes over their ears and has string at the end (you know what I'm talking about). And then, don't ask me why, but I have never seen more people with long, curly, somewhat unmaintained hair, and scarves before in my life. If you care about the Earth, are you required to wear a scarf? It wasn't even all that cold on Saturday. But I digress.

After passing the Kashi stand, and the T-shirt vendor with the George Bush shirt with the words "International Terrorist" underneath his picture, I finally located Danielle and her co-workers at their booth. After a few quick words, we took off for the Food & Entertainment festival, as we figured we'd backtrack to the Green Festival since she needed to help clean up.

We get to the Food Festival, walk around trying all different dipping oils and creamy dips, cookies, chocolates, smoothies, and cheeses. And then I see it. The closed off area in the center. Yes, there is a beer, wine, and liquor portion to this festival. Why did I not figure this ahead of time?!! Almost an hour was wasted tasting all these dips, with no signs of a drink...and here it was. It was like an oasis in the middle of the Sahara (congrats to my buddy Rick, BTW, who just completed a super-race through the Sahara).

So, of course, we paid the extra money to get inside. And of course, I pretty much tried every beer, I did try every liquor, and I sampled some of the white wines. In no time, I'm sporting a solid buzz and Danielle still needs to get back to work.

We make a quick stop to play with some fake snow. Seriously, I don't know what this stuff was, but with just a little water, a white powder turned into legitimate, cold snow flakes...that wouldn't melt. You'd squeeze the crap out of the snow and it would just squirt through your fingers. Crazy stuff. I didn't buy any, but I was tempted. I was also tempted to buy dips and dipping oil...and I caved.

Now back to the Green Festival. And I've got a nice buzz working. So, after dropping Danielle back off at her kiosk, I took a tour of the whole festival. And what should I happen upon in a matter of minutes...vegan ice cream.

Now, it sounds like a bad idea from the get go, but I've had a few drinks, how bad can it be. And they have Kool-Aid flavor. I'll take one...$3.

How bad can it be?? I'll tell you. This stuff tasted like if it were possible to leave ice cream out on your counter for a week, not have it melt, but just get stale and hard, like a loaf of bread. Add to that an almost grainy texture and an aftertaste that had me contemplating eating the organic dog food samples that I got for Chloe, just to get rid of the taste. It would be like insisting someone fart in your car after someone else took their shoes off, just to counteract the smell. Or drinking urine after ordering a brownie and being given a turd instead. The color my face likely turned was the closest to green that I was planning to be on this particular day.

So I gave it to Danielle's vegan co-worker.

She loved it.

Guess I'm not quite cut out to being green, though I actually recycled for the first time in like two years last Friday. And with this cold weather coming in, maybe it's time I started wearing a scarf?? Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Bus Man

I've taken a bit of a hiatus from the blog after that last debacle but I saw something hilarious today and had to pass this image along to everyone.

I'm driving down Old Georgetown road in the left lane (of three) and end up getting stopped at a light. In the far right lane is a metro bus. After sitting for a second at the light, I look over at the bus and realize that there is no one on the bus. No one except the driver.

And he's standing at the back door facing towards the sidewalk.

And the door is open.

And then he adjusts and walks back to the seat as the light turns green.

Yes, the bus driver got up, walked to the back door, and while still standing on the bus took a piss in the direction of the sidewalk. OUTSTANDING! You just don't see that everyday.

Well, I don't...maybe you do.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Calmer Words from J-Man

First off, I would like to apologize if any of my past politically related posts were offensive to anyone, especially any of my friends. That was not my intent, as all of my posts are intended to be humorous and very light hearted.

I believe I over-reacted to the negative feedback that I received from my post about election day, and being told that "I suck" or that "I'm a loser" from random people who came across my blog. I should have been the bigger man and recognized that there are people out there that are going to write what they want to write, just like I write what I want. I have the ability to delete the comments that I don't like, and I should have simply done that and moved along. In any case, I have temporarily removed some of those posts, to avoid any future conflict.

And lastly, as to being called a racist, while I have on occassion in past posts including these most recent ones made racially inspired jokes, they are merely intended for humor and are not to be taken seriously.

I am a white Jewish man, and I have many friends and past girlfriends of varying ethnicities. I have an African American and a Puerto Rican brother-in-law and from them I have 9 nieces and nephews. I work a blue collar job and the people I work with are of every nationality. In all cases, whether it be my friends, my family, or my co-workers, we make fun of each other, as I am the "stingy jew", and they are the "lazy Mexican," "Fat Albert," or the Indian guy who should be working at the 7-11 instead. Is it politically correct?...probably not. But we don't mean it...these are my friends. And I would consider "most" of the people that read this blog, regardless of whether I actually know you, my friends.

If I overstepped my bounds in any of the past blogs, again I apologize. If I do it again, please give me constructive comments, rather than "you suck." I don't react well to that type of criticism. Thank you.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Top 10: Uh Oh-bama

Well, with the monumental election of our new President, and the subsequent dancing and high-fiving in the street, you'd assume great things were afoot. However, we're two days into the new era and to be honest, I'm not seeing much of a "change." Perhaps I need to wait until inauguration, but with all the celebration, I was expecting something extraordinary to happen already.

And since I'm not seeing that, I thought I'd give you all the:

Top 10 Signs We May Not Have Made the Best Move Voting Obama President
10) There's still traffic on the beltway: Surely this should have stopped by now...what's up with that?!!
9) The Dow Jones has dropped for 2 straight days: Wouldn't you assume that dancing in the street segued into new faith that the market is gonna turn around?! I know, I did too. What went wrong??
8) Now everyone that voted for McCain has to look around like they're about to tell a racial joke before they mention that they didn't vote for Obama: "You voted for McCain?? I didn't know you were a member of the KKK."
7) We lost in our playoff game in bowling: Yeah, we were winning before Obama was elected. I see no other possible reasons.
6) The Redskins lost to the Steelers: If Obama had just conceded the election ahead of time, the encumbent party and therefore the Skins would have won the game and had a much stronger position in the Wild Card chase. Thanks alot!
5) It's dark at 5 PM: Anthing is possible right? Can we keep the sun up a little longer, please?...YES, WE CAN. Let's make that happen already.
4) They're gonna have to rename the White House: thought it was named after the color of the building???
3) Fred Armisen does a really bad Barrack Obama: Now we have to deal with 4 years of crappy SNL parities when we could have enjoyed quality Tina Fey cameos.
2) Today I went to Ruby Tuesdays for lunch. The bill was $27.86. I gave the waitress $40. She brought me back $12.00!! Yes, she forgot the CHANGE!!!
1) Now African American students are gonna want to leave college after one year to join...Politics! So long OJ Mayo, Hello OJ Mayor.

And if you really think any of these are serious, you need to lighten up.