Thursday, December 11, 2008

Crazy Bitch

As I mentioned a couple posts ago, this past weekend I took Danielle to go see the Wizard of Oz, which was showing at the Warner Theater. I also bought my older brother and his wife tickets and we all got together and had dinner at Tenpenh in DC beforehand.

Overall, the food was great and the performance was OK. The show was obviously tailoring to a broad audience, and having just gotten back from Disney World, I was kind of sick of the child-friendly performances, but I can't complain. There were a few new things that differed from the movie I remembered, including the poppies (the flowers that make Dorothy fall asleep) having their own dance number, and the Wicked Witch referring to her servant guards as winkies. This was humorous to me as that was the term we used instead of "penis" back when I was a kid...and they were wearing round purple helmets. he he. I know, I'm basically twelve.

In any case, that was probably the "dirtiest" moment of the evening up til that point, so I was having some good old fashioned wholesome fun.

And then Danielle and I left the company of my brother and his wife to continue our evening at Rocket Bar for my friend's birthday. And that's when the G-rated evening ended and the R-rated moment occurred.

If you've never been to Rocket Bar, it's a relatively large, though somewhat hidden sports bar in Gallery Place, across the street from Verizon Center. It's a good place to get drinks, play shuffleboard, play pool, and watch random chicks rub themselves while singing a song that's playing on the jukebox. Wait...what!!???

Yep, so we've been there for about an hour before I go to grab a second (or fourth...who's counting) round of drinks. As I'm making my way to the bar, the last song ends and "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry starts playing. I'm a big fan of this particular song...and apparently so is this chick at the end of the bar.

As I'm waiting for the bartender I glance over to see this girl kneeling on the bar stool next to a guy (her boyfriend/man of the evening?) gyrating up and down while singing along and rubbing all over her stomach and chest like a stripper. Mind you, she's got all her clothes on, but she has a tight shirt and big boobs, so not much is left to the imagination. What makes this such a priceless moment is the fact that she is singing along to this song. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, here's an excerpt of the most often repeated lines:

Hey, you're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it.
When I dream, I'm doing you all night.
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on.

It always amazes me how women love songs that denegrate women, and will sing along to them as well. I remember when I was in college, playing DJ at my fraternity parties, and one of the songs that would get the biggest reaction of cheers from the women was "Gimme that Nut" by Easy-E. I swear to god. Women would be screaming like it was freakin "Dancing Queen" or some shit, all the while singing along to such memorable lines as:

Now my dick's on hard ya know what I'm thinkin'
Took tha panties off and the pussy wasn't stinkin'


Okay back back to the fuckin' basics
You got yours and mine ya want tah taste it
Open wide oh no don't 'cha waste it
Oh shit all over ya face kid

I'm pretty sure if that song had come on, this girl at the end of the bar would have been all over it and likely would have taken her top off and swung it 'round her head (like a helicopter) as well. It didn't, and I grabbed my drinks and left, happy to have seen not one, but two shows this particular evening.

One starring a wicked witch, and one starring a crazy bitch. But they both probably ended with some happy winkies.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Stock in Curry

These are tough financial times we're living in. Many banks have been bought up, including my bank, Chevy Chase, which just got bought by Capital One; stocks dropped at alarming rates and continue to show no signs of recovery. The housing market is in shambles. And unemployment is rising to points not seen in over 30 years.

And so too, is the J-Man seeing these problems at home. My stocks in my retirement and savings funds have dropped almost 40% this year. My savings account APY is down to like 1%. ING Direct isn't doing me much better. My house just got reappraised for 2% lower than what I paid for it 4 years ago (and I'm actually thankful it was only that). And at work, I had to lay off more guys than usual for fear that business may drop off next Spring.

So in times like these, where should we be putting our money? Stephen Curry. While all these other investments are dropping or barely gaining, the money in my account has increased by 1300% since March, mostly on the back of Davidson basketball and Steph Curry. And just yesterday, as Curry lead the Davidson Wildcats past WVU in the Jimmy V Classic in NYC, my "portfolio" increased over 9%. Why do the odds makers continue to undervalue this stock?

Davidson was ranked 22nd coming into the game, West Virginia was not ranked. Curry is the top scorer in the nation despite not scoring in the retarded defense game against Loyola (MD). And Davidson was a 2-point underdog?! The money line was paying +110, meaning for every $100 you bet, if Davidson wins, you win $110. Seemed like a no-brainer. Like asking an ugly chick if she wants to go home with you at 2 AM. Or asking your fat friend if he wants to grab McDonalds.

Now, don't get me wrong, I was cursing at the TV as Curry fired up brick after brick early on, but what any good investor will tell you is, don't look at a stock during the day, it's gonna go up and down. You're in it for the long haul. And the long haul ended with Davidson, and Curry, coming back, dazzling everyone with some clutch threes, and pulling out a 3-point win.

This is probably how those dirty people I see wandering around Atlantic City get started, but Curry hasn't let me down thusfar. Relax, I'm not gonna throw all my money into Davidson bets and end up like them. But for now, there's no better bet out there than Steph Curry. Man, that kid is good.

Next up, Chattanooga...I'm guessing we'll be 14 point favorites. I'll take that.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Changes for the Holidays

There's a strange phenomenon that occurs as you get older around the Holidays. The status quo of family getting together for Thanksgiving and Christmas doesn't stay as the status quo any longer. Over the past few years, these two Holidays vaguely resemble the Holidays that I remember as a child growing up. Instead of my parents, my grandmother, and my brothers gathered around a Thanksgiving table or in my parent's living room opening the slew of presents my grandmother usually brings, there's someone missing.

This past Thanksgiving, my older brother and his wife were in Massachusetts. My younger brother and his fiance were in attendance, but only after the pleading of my mother. Last Thanksgiving, I was down in St. Kitts with Jaclyn, and now Christmas is up for a giant overhaul this year.

You see, the past three years, my older brother and his wife have celebrated Christmas with her family, as they have experienced the losses of her father and brother over this same time, and it just seemed right for them to be with the remaining family. Not wanting to miss out on Christmas all together, they would put together a pseudo-Christmas a couple of days beforehand, have the rest of the family over, cook a dinner, open just their presents and give out all the presents they had bought.

That was once again their plan for this year. But now my younger brother has indicated that he and his fiance will be at her family's place in Dunkirk for most of Christmas day. That would leave a four person Christmas as my parent's house. Not quite the merriest of times.

However, this is to be expected. As a half-Jewish family, Christmas has been of slightly less significance than it would be for my brother's wives' families, who are Catholic. When push comes to shove, they've got the trump card...his name is Jesus.

But I think this is the case for all families. At some point, a transition must be made. Hell, my grandmother comes to my parent's house every year. At some point, a shift occurred from having it at her house, like my mother had done since she was a child. But now it's a bit more complicated, because there are three sons involved, instead of one daughter. And of course, there's my dad, who's Jewish, and wants no part of Christmas from a religious standpoint.

So, what can be done?

We're moving Christmas.

Yes, sorry, Jesus. I know you were born on December 25 and all (at least that's what I think is the case...I was raised Jewish), but that just doesn't quite work into our schedule. How about we squeeze you in on the 21st? You see, I don't want to give up my Saturday night, so let's shoot for a Sunday?

Obviously, my grandmother is having fits over this, but here's the reality of it. Christmas for my family has been about getting everyone together. We don't sing Christmas Carols. We don't say prayers or go to church. We don't even mention Jesus.

However, we do open presents at a feverish pace, climaxing with all the men collapsing on the couch with piles of wrapping paper strewn everywhere, dogs fighting over their new chewies, and my grandmother going on and on about how we're tough to buy for now, and we can return anything if we don't like it, as she's left the gift receipts in the boxes. Then we eat pigs in a blanket, watch basketball, and eventually gather for a dinner highlighted by a Honey Baked Ham. (Yes, ham...I told you, we're half Jewish)

So, if that's what we do, let's just do it on a different day, so that everyone can be a part of it.

And that's our plan. So, on December 21, while you're sitting at home watching the NFL on TV like it's any other Sunday, or en route to your own parents' house for the holidays, we'll be making a mess of my house (yeah, we're switching venues's closer for my brothers and I've got a real tree we just decorated on Friday), yelling at dogs, and eating two separate products made of meat from a pig. All the while, saying Merry Christmas.

Yeah, it'll be the wrong day, but for the first time in a couple years, with all my family there, it may just feel like the way I remembered it.

And then I'll light the menorah for the first night of Hannukah, send my grandma into a fit of anger, sparking an argument with my dad, and my mom will start crying.

Yep, sounds like Christmas.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Brain Farts 14

I'm being completely unmotivated to write on my blog recently, and now that I've started going to the gym again (we'll see how long this lasts), I've got a new pasttime to kill my energy. In any case, if I'm gonna keep my writing fluids flowing so that one day I can write that book I've been working on since 1999, I've gotta keep it going. And speaking of fluids flowing, why not a spattering of crap in my typical form...the Brain Farts. Not quite the full shit, but still entertaining.

  • So, as some of you were aware, Danielle and I went to Disney World two weekends ago. She has tons of friends down there since she lived there for 4 years and worked at the park. Needless to say, the benefits of this, and the fact that Danielle is still technically considered an employee of Disney were outstanding. We stayed at the Disney Boardwalk hotel for 1/2 price. Entered the parks for free. Got discounts on all the food and merchandise. And still stood in crappy lines like everyone else. Well, guess you can't get everything...I ain't complaining. Just remember, the week prior to Thanksgiving is apparently a week parents aren't afraid to take their kids out of school for.
  • A couple weeks ago I saw a pickup truck leaving the Home Depot parking lot with probably 10 Spanish people in it. For those of you not aware, you can pick up day laborers in the Home Depot parking lot in Silver Spring. There's also a bunch on Little River Turnpike, down by where I have my bowling league in Falls Church (got some great stories about some run-ins with these guys). In any case, it was during this last spectacle that I came up with this epiphany: Pick-up trucks are the clown cars of the Spanish. (Yes, I'm going to hell)
  • I just found the greatest bread I've ever bought from a grocery store. It was at Harris Teeter in Rockville, and it's called the Rosemary Olive Oil Round. It is amazing. There is no joke was just a really good bread, so I bought a loaf and soon I will eat it all with the dipping oils I got from the Food & Entertainment show from a few weeks back.
  • My PS3 is still broken because I am unwilling to give in to the fact that I have to pay for a repair within the 1st year of owning because I threw away the receipt. Fuck you Sony. I hope all your crappy shit goes the way of BETA tapes.
  • I was out at Union Jacks last Friday with my buddy Dave and we came upon a large group of people there celebrating their 5 year reunion. They were from the Churchill class of 2003. The high school class of 2003 was celebrating their 5 year reunion!! At a bar!!! 2003!!! I felt like Matthew McConaughey in "Dazed and Confused", which BTW, came out when these kids were like 8 years old.

And now, if you'll excuse me, it's almost 5 PM. Time for me to change my Depends and head over to Sizzler for the early bird special before my bridge club gets together. Later.