Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Who wants a T-Shirt?

Nothing says "classy" like a homemade T-Shirt that says, "Place Vagina Here" with arrows pointing up and down. This one was made especially for my brother, who will be wearing this to the Maryland homecoming tailgate and game this Saturday. I'm sure it will prove to be a party favorite...courtesy of the J-man.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


This is why I should probably stop playing football twice a week. I would have to say I have never felt pain like I did when I decided that putting rubbing alcohol on these cuts would be a good idea.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Horrible Waitress

I'm sure everyone has a story just like this, so I believe you will be able to relate to my deep disappointment as I tell you about how a waitress ruined my Sunday.

As has been the usual for me since the football season(s) started, I get up on Sunday morning to play in my outdoor football game, then I head home to get cleaned up and head down to Caddies in Bethesda to watch the football games. In years past, my buddy Zack has had the Direct Ticket, so I've become accustomed to watching every single game on Sunday, and since I am in 3 fantasy football leagues and have a terrible gambling problem, I always have some team to root for. Prior to the season, there was much thought that was put into deciding where to watch the games, as Zack had moved to Philly, taking away the Direct Ticket with him. In the end, we decided on Caddies.

The main advantage to Caddies was that there are three easily visible TVs in the back room, along with a good shot of the other 6 TVs in the front room. Plus, it is one of few sports bars we could think of where we could get an actual comfortable seat, as opposed to a stool or high chair (I really don't feel like sitting in a stool for 5 hours after playing football).

So the decision was made and the first few weeks were exceptional. The food was not the greatest, but the service was good and the waitresses were pleasant (and somewhat hot) and most importantly, they kept our glasses full and made sure the TV was always playing football.

That is, until this Sunday. Kupe and I roll into the place and assume our usual table, but for the third week in a row, we are greeted by a different waitress. No biggie, I'm not partial. She comes in and takes our orders and all seems pretty well. The games have not yet started, and the TVs are showing the Presidents Cup and 2 ESPN Pre-game shows. This is fine until we realize it is gametime, and nothing has changed.

We get the waitress's attention and tell her what we'd like to see on the TVs, to which she gives us the always pleasant, "God, I hate Sundays." Uh, OK. That's a bit of a downer. You know what I hate, negative commentary when I'm about to enjoy 1/17th of the greatest 4 months of the year. But I digress.

She finally gets the games on two of the TVs, but the Presidents Cup is still on the big screen. We assume that since it is Caddies (of golf terminology) they are sort of required to show golf, so we don't make that big of a fuss...but there's really no one else in the place. Then magically, one of the TVs changes channels to something crappy. And the waitress is no where to be found. 10 minutes later, we flag her down and tell her about the issue, to which she now gives us the even more pleasant, "Don't you guys have anything better to do?" Uh, OK. That's a bit of a downer. You know what, I do have something better to do, it's called watching football and drinking beer, and you're the one stopping me from doing it.

Why we didn't get up and leave at this point is beyond me. It's not like we were being rude or not ordering anything. We both ordered lunch and I had already had one beer and a soda by this point. Plus, we drop about $100 a week in this place every week, and for once, aren't actually obnoxious in a bar setting. But I digress.

We continue to watch the 1 PM games, my brother arrives and gets himself a menu (she's no where in sight) and orders some food and a beer after a nice wait. After he finishes his food and realizes it's gonna be a nightmare to get the girl's attention to pay for it, he drops me some cash and heads out.

There's still about 2 minutes left in most of the games, when I finally see the waitress again. She comes over and as I'm about to order another beer, she gives us the warm, "So, you guys all done?" Uh, OK. Apparently, I fucked this girl's mother and urinated in her bed before burning their house to the ground in a past life. No, we're not done. There's still the Steelers-Pats game (the game I really wanted to see) at 4:15 PM, so get me a beer. She brings me a beer and disappears as usual. (I didn't really say that...that would be grounds for her attitude, but I'm taking the high road for once, instead)

And that's when the 1 PM games end... and the 4 PM start... and there are 3 screens of "NFL Scoreboard" on. Fuck this. I locate another waitress (the one we had week 1, and who has been pleasantly waiting on people on the other side of the back room all day) and ask her if we can get our check. She prints it out for us and we get the hell out of the there. We probably could have just walked out, if we never planned to go there again, but I enjoyed the first two weeks and hopefully I'll never see "Meredith" at my table again.

This much I will say. If I walk into that bar and she's the waitress for my table, I'm going somewhere else.

And then we find out that Flanagan's is closing in two about a shitty Sunday.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Place Your Bets: Week 3

Well, Week 2 was a slight bit better than Week 1, but I would really like to see some improvement in the picks I'm actually putting money on...I haven't gotten one right this year. Fuck. Anyway, the totals for last week were 8-7-1* (I didn't write about the Pittsburgh game for some reason, but I got it right on Amy's office picks, so I'm taking the Win...bite me). On the season, that puts me at an unimpressive 16-15-1. Still on the positive side, so let's look at this week's matchups:

BETS I LIKE FOR THIS WEEK: (You should probably bet the opposite)
Carolina (-3) at Miami: Carolina proved they are still one of the best, winning against New England last week. The running game looks strong and the defense should have little problem stopping the Dolphins.

Cincinnati (-3) at Chicago: The Bears are still a crappy squad, I don't care what they did to the Lions. Cincinnati, and Carson Palmer, have looked nasty thus far and I see that continuing for at least one more week.

Oakland at Philadelphia (-8): I just don't think Oakland has really made that big of a step forward with the additions of Lamont Jordan and Randy Moss. Their defense is still garbage and Philly should easily win this one by 10 or more.

As much as I hate to do it, th e Giants (+220) have looked very solid and have more than enough weapons to take down the Chargers. Eli has a lot to prove, going to San Diego where he refused to play, and this is the perfect time for him to show it. I still hate Shockey though...I hope he breaks his leg dancing after a touchdown.

Jacksonville (+2.5) at NY Jets: The Jets have looked like crap thusfar and Jacksonville's defense was able to hold Peyton Manning to 10 points. They should pull this one out.

Tennessee (+6.5) at St. Louis: I don't necessarily think Tennessee will win this game, but Mike Martz will find a way to keep this one close and the Titans will cover the spread.

New Orleans (+3.5) at Minnesota: I've been on the anti-Vikings train all season and it should continue to disappoint.

Cleveland at Indy (-14): This is a big spread to try to cover against the always surprising Trent Dilfer (didn't they say his starting record is something like 22-7?), but Indy has a lot of pent up offense waiting to shoot out after a 10 point showing last week. They could score 50.

Atlanta (+2.5) at Buffalo: Haven't I picked against the Bills every week? Why change now?

Tampa Bay (-3.5) at Green Bay: I wonder if they Bucs have ever been favored in Green Bay when Brett Favre has been a starter? I think it's justifiable this, does that defense suck.

Arizona at Seattle (-6.5): The Cardinals have absolutely no running game, a terrible defense, and Kurt Warner as their quarterback. I still think he could have a good season this year...especially playing from behind all the time, but this one should be Seattle's 7.

New England at Pittsburgh (-3): The Steelers are arguably the best thing going right now, and they get to replay the AFC Championship game that ended their Cinderella story last year. Yeah, I think they have a bit more pushing them in this game.

Dallas (-6.5) at San Francisco: I'm glad the old San Fran squad reared its head last week. Let the losing continue...and the era of Alex Smith begin.

Kansas City (+3) at Denver: It's always tough to play in Denver, but I have to stick with the Chiefs until someone proves they can stop the two-headed monster of Priest and Diaper.

BTW, Diaper is the new nickname to be used for anyone in your group who doesn't yet have a nickname. Trust me, it's very catchy after a few disappointments. DIAPER!!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Top 10: Just Pointless

This Top 10 List is brought to you in part by my buddy Pogue, who brought up three of these points during football watching on Sunday at Caddies. The topic is different, but the points are the same. I hope you enjoy the:

Top 10 Most Pointless Things People Do
10) Leave your hand on the stick shift even when you're driving an automatic - I'm pretty sure you're not going to need to quickly put it in park, justifying the move
9) Clap and cheer at your favorite sports team while watching them on TV - To quote Pogue, "I'm sure they can hear your support and are really getting fired up about it"
8) Talk or clap while watching a movie - This is more a pet peeve, though if you ever watch a movie in "certain" theaters, it is definitely an interactive experience. I'm sure that's what the director intended. And as for clapping, Pogue adds "I'm certain the movie theater relays your response directly to the director and production company." Morons.
7) Women refer to their friends that are women as "girlfriends." - This is not really necessary, we don't tell you that we're going to play poker with our "boyfriends" tonight. That's just gay.(Again, a Pogue contribution) This does, however, continue to support my theory that all women are, in part, lesbians.
6) Look around before telling an inappropriate joke - I think the look around is the international symbol that an inappropriate joke is about to be made, you ain't fooling anyone.
5) Push the elevator button more than one time - I'm sure it has a sensor inside that speeds up the elevator with every new push
4) Pretend to not like the movie "The Notebook" even though it is really a treasured addition to your DVD library, to be watched again and again - Huh?
3) Duck when you drive into a parking garage with a low ceiling - I'm sure your car gets lower when you do this, so as long as you duck down, you won't hit the roof.
2) Purposely set your alarm clock 10 minutes fast - Hey jackass, you set it, so you know you have an extra 10 minutes!
1) Spend anywhere from 1/2 hour to an hour writing posts on a blog that only 15 people read.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

People at the Counter

I don't have anything interesting to write about, although I've had some odd occurrences the last two days while waiting in line to buy stuff at certain retail places. Let's start at KFC, where my buddy Kupe and I stopped at yesterday while working (yes, Kupe has now joined the ranks of can try to stay away, but the temptation is just too strong, you will all turn)

As we're pulling into the place, which has the smallest damned parking lot and no parking, I'm forced to put it in reverse to move out of the way of a lady and her minivan pulling out of a spot. As I back up, I hear what sounds like a cat screaming as if it's leg is being bit (I know this sound well). When I look back, I see a gigantic fat man (probably about 400 lbs....Kupe, back me up here) who is joking around as if I was going to hit him.

After I park, we go inside and fatty and his friend are in line ahead of us. He throws out the humorous, "I didn't want to mess up your truck" and moves on to his ordering. He then proceeds to order a six pack of chicken, the barbeque zingers meal, a bacon ranch chicken sandwich, and one of those baby chicken sandwiches. Then, he turns to his buddy and says, "What do you want?"

I swear, you can't make this shit up.

Shoppers Food Warehouse
Amy was making tamales or something like that last night and she wanted me to pick up some chili powder and kidney beans on my way home to complete the recipe. I swing into Shoppers (which is a miserable place to go after work...right at dinner time), grab what I need and head to the Express Line. There are two Express Lines here, one for 10 or less and one for 15 or less items. There are four people in the 10 or less and only three in the 15, so I head to that one. Usually, this wouldn't necessarily be the best move, but then I notice it. Arguably the most despicable thing anyone can do.

Lady #2 in the 10 or less line is starting to put her stuff on the conveyer...and she's got like 35 things?!!!? I mean, I can accept maybe 12, even 15...but sweet fucking christ, she's not even close. The lady in front of her brought this to my attention as she is shaking her head in disgust as she looks back at the lady behind her.

Who in the hell does this lady think she is?!! I'm pegging her for a foreigner until she speaks perfect English to her bratty little demon child who is wandering about making a fuss. Thank god I chose the other line or I would hurt someone...but I continue to give her the dirty looks. She must learn that what she is doing is intolerable and I will give her enough head shakes and eye rolls, that she will know this move will not stand if I was in the line.

By this point, the line has grown to almost 7 behind her and the man in the John Riggins jersey could go postal. I would have stayed around to see the fireworks but I actually left before this bitch even got finished paying...and of course, she was using a debit card and wanted money back.

I bet she parked in the handicapped spot too.

This afternoon, my brother and I headed over to Target after work to get some Gatorades. They're only $.99 for the 32 oz., which is a great deal since 7-11 is charging $1.99 for the same thing. I do my best Supermarket Sweep (you know you watched that show, don't try and judge me) impression as I sweep 12 of them off the shelf and into my cart, as my bro does the same thing.

On a side note, there is this smokin' hot kinda trashy blond chick at the cases of Coke just down the way from us, and she is dying as I pull this stunt. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she wanted to bang me right there and then...but I shop there too often, and I don't want to get banned, so it's her loss.

We make our way to the register and there are about five to choose from. I've been here a bunch, so I pull a quick left and head for one of the recessed ones, which confuses my brother. Target is notorious for this, you almost don't know there is a second tier of registers and there will sometimes be up to 5 people at one of the first tier registers while the second tier checkout girl is just chillin.

Anyway, I make the move for the second tier and my brother yells, "Where are you going?" I quickly respond, "I'm going down this one." and motion my head. Now we are about 15 feet from each other because of my aggressive move, as he yells back, "There's no one there."

And here's where is starts the downhill turn.... So, I yell back, "Yeah dude, there's this chick right here." I'm about five feet from the register when I say this, and then I realize, it's not a chick, it's a man...a very feminine, almost Crying Game-esque man.

Yeah, and I'm the jerk now.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Brain Farts 3

I have a bunch of little comments I want to make so you'll have to enjoy the complete randomness of the Brain Farts: Not Quite the Real Shit, But Still Funny.

-Am I a dirty old man if every time I drive on Democracy Blvd. by the Walter Johnson High School field and the field hockey team is practicing, I look over?

-Every so often you come away with a night out drinking and you realize the next day that you didn't pay for a single drink. That night was last night. Hell, I didn't even pay for the Metro...they had that shuttle bus thing again and it screwed with their system, so I jumped the gate. Good times.

-Last night, I finally put my iPod (still pissed about the Nano) to work and took it with me for the metro ride to and from DC. Definitely a solid investment, though none of the songs matched up with what I was seeing, so it didn't have that whole theme music thing I was looking for. Perhaps, a little "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins should be on the playlist next time.

-I just got my grandmother a Lavar Arrington jersey for her 83rd birthday. I find that humorous, there's really no joke associated with this.

-I don't believe in cruelty to animals in real life, but in the movie, "Assault of Precinct 13" (which is a pretty good movie, just got it from Netflix) I couldn't stop laughing after the guy punches the rotweiler in the head.

-Yesterday, I stopped at McDonalds for lunch and while I was waiting for my stuff to be made, I got to see a train wreck unfold. I really don't need to go much further than to say that the guy ordering was about 75 years old and had a hearing problem, and the girl taking the order had a thick Spanish accent. Couple with that the fact that she had a habit of repeating the order for clarification and you have sheer comedy. And, did you know that McDonalds offers a "senior" Coke, which is only $.49? I mean, it's not even on the menu. How did this old guy know about it?

Friday, September 16, 2005

Place Your Bets: Week 2

OK, last week wasnt' so great. I ended up losing all my bets, though my overall picks were 8-8...which isn't too bad for Week 1 and with all the upsets that occurred. So, I'm looking to rebound nicely going into Week 2. Not the best games to watch this week, but here's what I'm thinking:

Ravens (-3.5) at Tennessee: Let's see... Tennessee played a strong defensive team with an offense that likes to run the ball last week, and got killed. This week they play a strong defensive team with an offense that like to run the ball. Though Anthony Wright is not Ben Roethlisberger, I'm gonna have to bet against the young Tennessee defense.

Patriots (-3) at Carolina: Bill Belichik proves time and time again that he is by far the greatest coach out there. I see no reason why the Patriots can't beat a team that lost to the Saints at home.

Falcons (+1) at Seattle: The straight bet is off, so take the point and enjoy the money. Seattle is a solid offensive team, but I really don't think they'll pull this one out. The Falcons defense really doesn't get the credit they deserve.

Technically, the Falcons was an upset, but I'll go out on a limb and say that the Dolphins (+220) are gonna pull out the bigger upset this week. Miami was a very solid team two years ago, which is often overlooked, and though they've lost some key players on defense, I like what Coach Saban was able to do against the Broncos last week. The Jets looked horrible against Kansas City and I don't think a week of Herm Edwards bitching is necessarily gonna turn this team around. I know now why the Redskins were happy to get rid of Lav Coles. Good riddance, Loser!

The Jaguars (+9) have a strong enough defense and potent enough offense to hang with Peyton Manning. I don't think they'll win in Indy, but I think they'll keep it inside that 9 points.

The Lions (-1.5) are easily gonna walk over the Bears this week. Hell, the Redskins beat 'em and Joey Harrington is better than Ramsey and Brunnell combined...though that's not saying much.

The post-Randy era in Minnesota started off poorly and I think they'll see more of the same as they travel to play the Bengals (-3).

I really don't want to make this pick, given how the Rams fared against the 49ers, but I think Philly (-13) is a much better coached team than the Martz squad. If Donovan doesn't play, I want a mulligan though.

Is the Bills defense really that good? I think, no. But they're definitely one of the top defenses in the game. I still don't like Losman and Tampa (-2.5) is riding high. I peg this for one of those crappy, 13-10 games.

The Rams (+1) can't lose two in a row...can they?? I mean, it's still the Arizona Cardinals. Though, it was still the San Francisco...god, Mike Martz sucks.

Ahman Green should be able to run over the Browns defense and that will secure the victory for the Packers (-6). Plus, Brett Favre always does poorly against Detroit, so I'm putting last week behind us.

The Chargers (+3) have their tight end back and they played a solid game against the Cowboys without him. Look out,'re gonna be 0-2.

Chiefs (-1) at Oakland: Holy crap, this is the game to watch. The over-under is 53.5 and I hope it ends on the over side. That will cap off a nice day of football.

Every year, I'm a big supporter of the Saints (+3), which usually brings me lots of criticism. Perhaps, this is the year?? They've always had the talent, plus I've already stated that I hate the Giants, especially Eli, but especially Shockey.

Hail to the Redskins (+6). They won't beat the Cowboys, but they'll keep it close, just to piss me off.

Well, that's my picks...and I'm sticking with 'em.

Jessica Simpson

You can all thank me later for the new song choice. Gorillaz was sort of pissing me off because it took too long to get to the song. This one is well worth the wait...especially for the carwash scene.

I wonder if my daily hits will go up now?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Damned Nature

This whole week, except for today, I've been out on the road taking care of the service work at some of our pools. Pretty much right after Labor Day our workload increases dramatically as people want to start having their pools closed for the Winter.

You see, it gets really cold around here in the Winter, and except for the few stinking rich people that don't care about the gas costs associated with heating their pool year round, most people just shut everything down, cover up the pool, and wait til Spring to start all over again.

This is a pretty strenuous job because we need to drain about a foot and a half of water out of each pool, which means lugging a 100+ lb. trash pump from the truck. Also, we are dragging and pulling on the Winter covers, which weigh about 150 lbs. or more, plus the strain of pulling them taught onto their anchors. It's helping me get back into shape because I put on a few pounds there with the knee injury and overall laziness for the last few weeks, so I'm not complaining.

What I am complaining about is nature. Fucking nature. I don't know why, but I swear there are more mosquitos out now than there have been all year. There must be one that sits in my shorts pocket all day and comes out for a snack every few minutes, because right now, I must have about 30-40 bug bites on my calves and ankles.

Then, on Tuesday, I'm at this one pool in Clifton, VA, over by the equipment. I'm working on putting the filter back together when I feel this pain on my left shoulder. I look down to see the "Rafael Palmeiro" of flies sitting on my shoulder. This thing must have been about an inch and a half long and apparently when they get this big, they bite...hard enough that you can feel it THROUGH YOUR SHIRT!!! I rolled up my sleeve to see a red mark, which is now puffy with little bumps inside it. WTF???

Then yesterday, I'm up in Baltimore at this pool where their equipment is stored in this concrete pit in the middle of the woods. Before we head up there, some of the other guys are mentioning that a snake lives in the pit, which is very upsetting to me because I hate snakes and we will need to reach into an area where you really can't see to pull out the plug at the bottom of the filter to let the water drain out.

There's really only one way to handle this, and that's to kill. I haven't killed anything in a while, but I'm not opposed to it. I grab a shovel and we're off. Sure enough, we get to Baltimore and I'm working on the other pieces of equipment, but the time arrives when the plug must be pulled. I notice a plastic bag shoved in the corner of the pit that I'll have to nudge to get my arm under the filter, so I poke at it with my channel locks first...just to see.

FUCK! Out comes this black snake and heads right in my direction. I hop out of the pit and make the call. The call is, make my brother pull the plug. I tell him I'll keep watch out for the snake and if he makes a move back toward him, that I'll poke it with a stick, which I now have in hand. (It's about 200 yards to the truck to get the shovel...and he's the one at risk anyway, so the stick will do)

Luckily, the snake doesn't return and we get the job done, but this is way too much nature for this city boy in one week. Damned Nature.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Gibbs is Retarded

I watched the Redskins game this past Sunday and I was very pleased with the win and some of the plays I saw out of the offense...though 9 points is nothing to be ecstatic about. The defense is amazing and nothing more needs be said about that. However, the benching of Ramsey after 3 series and now naming Brunell the starter is simply ridiculous.

First off, let me explain that I may be one of the few Ramsey supporters out there...because, quite frankly, the kid ain't that great. Though Patrick Ramsey is prone to making some bone head moves and taking a few too many sacks, his arm strength is far superior to that of Mark Brunell. For that reason, and that reason only, I like Ramsey.

Why? It's simple. If I'm on a defense playing in the secondary against the Redskins and they have Ramsey under center, I have to respect the fact that this guy could throw a seed over my head to a speedy Santana Moss or David Patten thirty plus yards down the field. With Brunell under center, I can cheat up a bit to slow down the running game because there ain't no way his rag arm is putting one past me. Does anyone else remember the disaster that was last year's offense?

In addition to this, Brunell was the quarterback for the Redskins last year for eight games. Eight terrible games. And he sucked. Really bad. I'm talking, "people were wishing we still had Tony Banks" bad. So, finally Gibbs decides that he is so shitty, he must be replaced. In comes Ramsey. He wasn't spectacular, but he was an improvement.

Then, here we are starting a new season and who is back as our quarterback for week 2??!! It just doesn't make sense. Here's the logic...Brunell is bad, so bad he must be replaced by Patrick Ramsey. Therefore, one must assume Ramsey is better (not good, just better).

So, why do you go back to the worse player without giving Ramsey any shot at all?

Look, if Joe Gibbs really thinks Patrick Ramsey is terrible and shouldn't be the quarterback of the Redskins, then put Jason Campbell in there. Yeah, he's a rookie and he'll probably make a bunch of mistakes, but can he be any worse than Brunell was last year for eight games? Or can he not put up 9 points and no offensive touchdowns against a shitty team? At least he'll get some playing time and maybe become the player that was worth trading away next season's draft for.

If the Redskins don't score more than 10 points this week against Dallas, the mutiny should begin. I know Coach Gibbs won this town three Super Bowls, but he has obviously lost his mind.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Winning the Lottery

Tonight, the Mega Millions Lottery Jackpot is up to $200 Million and I bought myself 7 tickets just in case. Most of the day today, my brother and I were discussing what we would do if we won the jackpot.

We pretty much came up with your standard concepts:
1) We both said we'd give our immediate family a little something right off the bat. I threw out the arbitrary mil, which seems decent enough
2) Then I said I'd buy a piece of property on a lake and build a house to my specs with an indoor basketball court and swimming pool...I'll handle the cleaning of it, there's a lot of dead beats in this industry.
3) Kevin said he'd buy a new car, I think he said the Jaguar convertible. I'm fine with my car, so I'll just keep it for sentimental value
4) And of course, we both said we'd drop a mil for the people in New Orleans, not only because it sucks, but also because you'd be ridiculed by the American journalists if you didn't. Don't tell me you wouldn't

That's about all I could come up with. I don't think I'd really do much else, outside of live comfortably knowing that I don't need to worry about money, and I think that piece of mind is the best thing you can get...then I read some of these stories:

"Winning the lottery isn't always what it's cracked up to be," says Evelyn Adams, who won the New Jersey lottery not just once, but twice (1985, 1986), to the tune of $5.4 million. Today the money is all gone and Adams lives in a trailer."I won the American dream but I lost it, too. It was a very hard fall. It's called rock bottom," says Adams."Everybody wanted my money. Everybody had their hand out. I never learned one simple word in the English language -- 'No.' I wish I had the chance to do it all over again. I'd be much smarter about it now," says Adams, who also lost money at the slot machines in Atlantic City.

Are you fucking kidding me? This lady won the lottery TWICE and she lives in the trailer. Then she comes up with the winning line, "I wish I had the chance to do it all over again." You did, you dumb bitch, you won a second time, and you still live in the trailer park.

That's not the worst story out there, listen to this fucking guy's story:

William "Bud" Post won $16.2 million in the Pennsylvania lottery in 1988 but now lives on his Social Security. "I wish it never happened. It was totally a nightmare," says Post.
A former girlfriend successfully sued him for a share of his winnings. It wasn't his only lawsuit. A brother was arrested for hiring a hit man to kill him, hoping to inherit a share of the winnings. Other siblings pestered him until he agreed to invest in a car business and a restaurant in Sarasota, Fla., -- two ventures that brought no money back and further strained his relationship with his siblings. Post even spent time in jail for firing a gun over the head of a bill collector. Within a year, he was $1 million in debt. Post admitted he was both careless and foolish, trying to please his family. He eventually declared bankruptcy. Now he lives quietly on $450 a month and food stamps. "I'm tired, I'm over 65 years old, and I just had a serious operation for a heart aneurysm. Lotteries don't mean (anything) to me," says Post.

His brother hired a hit man?!!

So, now, I've added a couple more things to my list of things I'd get if I won the lottery.

5) I'd get two huge body guards, and inform them that if anyone gets within 10 feet of me, to break both their legs. This is purely a precautionary move, but I feel it will help people get the message when there are dozens of beggars crawling around in my front yard screaming and blood is covering my doorstep.
6) I'd buy a limo and take a trip up to New Jersey to visit Evelyn Adams, and slap her in the face for being such a dumb ass. Then I'd give her $10,000 and light her trailer on fire. This would serve two purposes. One, it would be incredibly amusing to me. And two, it would send a further message that I might be insane and that it is best to leave me and my millions alone...if they didn't make it to my house and see the crippled beggars first, that is.
7) Two chicks at the same time.

Top 10: 2Pac

2pac was killed 9 years ago today, and while 95.5 WPGC did a crappy 2Pac Most Wanted Countdown this afternoon, I present to you my take on:

The Top Ten Best 2Pac Songs
10. "Smile" - With Scar Face. This one was #2 on the WPGC countdown, which I thought was way too high.
9. "Holla At Me" - This one really didn't get the attention it deserved.
8. "2 of Americaz Most Wanted" - With Snoop Dogg, a very solid contribution
7. "Me Against The World" - This is the song I think about first when I think of 2Pac, I think it's the first one I heard. It's not the best though
6. "I Get Around" - Truly a classic. I can still see the video of him running around with a bunch of half naked chicks on the tennis court or something like that
5. "Dear Mama" - The softer side of 2Pac. I could listen to this song over and over again
4. "To Live & Die in LA" - The song is great, the intro is great, and what's better than saying, "I had sex with your wife...not in those words."
3. "Life Goes On" - On any given day, I'd put this as the number 1 song on this list, but these other two are just as good.
2. "Changes" - Even though he was "dead" when this was released, it is amazing.
1. "Keep Ya Head Up" - Oooooeeeee child, things are gonna get easier...classic.

If it wasn't Tuesday and I didn't feel like crap (tired, sore and dehydrated...closing season sucks), I'd pour out some liquor for my dead homey.

Who am I kidding, I'm a skinny Jewish man who grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood. Enjoy the list, though.

BTW, WPGC chose "Hail Mary" as the number 1 song. What?!!

Monday, September 12, 2005

The Rating Game

Now, I probably have some better things to write about since my outdoor football league started on Sunday as did the NFL at my new viewing location, Caddies in Bethesda, and of course, the weekend of drinking, but instead I'm gonna write about my great idea that I got to put to use tonight...which can help you too.

I just ordered Chinese Food delivery, which I do quite often, and I reached into my menu drawer to decide what to order. With so many menus to choose from, it's tough to know which one to go with and what I thought was good or not before, especially since most of the names sound the same. So, I used to run into the problem of ordering food and then when it arrived being really let down. But that has all changed since I started my rating system.

You see, every time I order Chinese food from a place, I rate the food I get on a five star scale. I write it down right on the menu so that I have the ratings right there the next time I order. I also put either a plus, minus or nothing if I order something I've previously rated and it is better or worse than originally rated.

So, tonight, I wanted a simple Chicken and Broccolli (which I order with some regularity). I checked the four menus I had and found two places where I had given it 4 stars and one with 3 stars. The other place, I guess I hadn't gotten it. I'm not in the mood to be let down tonight so I went with the four star place, which also got a 5 star on the Egg Rolls.

It has taken me 8 years of ordering Chinese food, going back to college years, to come up with this great plan, and now I pass this knowledge off to you. Never eat crappy Chinese food twice again...courtesy of the J-man.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

J-Man: Inappropriate

A couple days ago, I'm looking over my blog and see that I have a comment from a new reader. Usually, it's just my friends that are reading my blog, so whenever someone new leaves a comment, I feel it's only right to go see their blog and perhaps leave a comment of my own if the mood strikes me.

So, I go to this person's blog and see that it has actually just begun and only has one post about their day...typical stuff, ya know. There is no title, but there are a couple comments. One of the comments is from the person whose blog it is, saying something along the lines of "I can't come up with a good title. Can anyone help?"

I figure, I'll put my two cents in and leave my opinion which was something like this:

"Nice start for your blog. You shouldn't worry about the title, because the good thing about a blog is that it is all yours. So, you could name that entry "Go F$#k (yes, I used the symbols) Yourself" just because, and it would be alright. Keep up the writing."

Now, this is humorous to me and perhaps to some of you, and it was supposed to make the point that you can do whatever you want on your blog, since it's yours. But apparently, this was inappropriate.

I just checked back onto that blog to see how it had progressed and noticed that my comment had been deleted and there was a comment from the 16-year old blogger's mom (woops) saying that, though I was being supportive of the writing, my comment was vulgar and had no place on their blog. YIKES!!

Now I feel like a dirty bastard who goes to the park and gives kids candy.

J-man: Inappropriate for audiences under 17.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Place Your Bets: Week 1

Well, with only 2 hours to go until the start of the NFL season, I'm pretty psyched for the games, though not overly high on the Redskins chances this year. (Though, Joe Theissman picked them to the Super Bowl this afternoon on Sportstalk 980)

As with all years, this is when my online gambling gets a dramatic increase, and so I figured I'd share with you my triumphs and my travesties each and every week. Along with my own bets, I'll give you my overall picks just so I can keep tally versus Catheter Man, who seems to be doing the same thing on his blog as well. So, here goes.

St. Louis (-6) at San Francisco: This one was as low as 4 points earlier in the week, but damned Sportsbook wasn't working! I took St. Louis with the points and still feel pretty solid that the Rams offense will put a huge hurting on San Fran. I probably would have taken the bet all the way up to 9 points, but who's complaining.

Tennessee (+7) at Pittsburgh: I know that Pittsburgh went to the AFC championship game last year and all, but they're starting their 3rd string running back and Ben Roethlisberger is still not Dan Marino (I don't care what comparisons people want to make). Add to that the loss of Plaxico Burress, and a healthy Steve McNair, and this game seems like a close one. It's in Pittsburgh, so I can't recommend the straight up pick, so I went with Tennessee and the points.

Chicago at Washington (-5.5): Perhaps a homer bet, but I usually steer clear of the Skins. This one just seemed like a gimme, as I really think Chicago has no chance of scoring an offensive TD in this game. Even the Skins crappy offense should be able to muster up 10 points or more to give Washington the victory by 6 or more.

Houston (+190) at Buffalo: Buffalo is favored by 5.5 pts, but I really don't think JP Losman can handle this offense. Willis McGahee proved he was a solid back late in the season last year, but that was with a mild threat at quarterback in Drew Bledsoe to keep the defense honest. I think Houston will stack the line and dare Losman to beat them. ..and he won't. On offense, the Texans have the tools to be good, if only their line can hold up. I see Houston pulling this one out, 17-14, so I'm taking Houston straight up.

MY OTHER PICKS: (just for at your own risk)
New England (-7.5) easily covers the spread in a big victory against Oakland. I see this as an offensive explosion, ending around 42-24.

Broncos (-4.5) should beat up on the Ricky-less Dolphins, though I think this could be a more competitive game than most.

Bengals (-3.5) should walk over Cleveland, but I still didn't want to put money on this. Trent Dilfer is an amazing talent, despite getting no respect.

Saints (+7) will put up a good fight against the powerful Panthers, but I'm not sure if they can win this one with all that's been going on and playing in Carolina. I'd take the Saints and the points, and figure we'll see a real close fight. I'm hoping to see alot of Brooks to Horn for my fantasy squad too.

The Bucs (+6) are always competitive because of their defense and I don't think the post-Randy Moss era is going to be as stellar as expected in Minnesota. I think Minnesota might eek a win out, but it will be closer than 6.

Jacksonville (-3) is an up and coming team with a solid defensive game plan. I like them to beat up on Seattle's offense and really light up the crappy Seattle defense, possibly 38-17.

The Chiefs are still terrible on defense, so I'm overlooking the fact that they're playing at home and giving the nod to the Jets (+3) to pull the upset. Chad Pennington has never gotten the respect he deserves because of all his injuries, but he is the next Joe Montana. Unfortunatley, Laveraneous Coles is not the next Jerry Rice, but Chad will still have very efficient numbers.

I hate the Giants, especially Jeremy Shockey, but especially Eli Manning. The new-look Cardinals (+3) will have everyone singing the praises of bible-thumper Kurt Warner once again.

The Packers defense is way too crappy for Joey Harrington and the Lions (-3) to not beat them at home. Brett Favre always struggles in Detroit, so this is possibly one of the stronger bets I haven't bet on.

The Cowboys (+4.5) are my sleeper playoff team for this year, and it's gotta start by beating up on last year's surprising Chargers. Benching Antonio Gates might come back to haunt them as I think they'll lose this one in a very close game, maybe 21-20.

Did anyone see Peyton Manning play last year? I can't bet against him, even against the Ravens. The Colts (-3) should put up points, even against a tough defense and cover that spread.

The battle of the two most overhyped football players in the NFL. T.O. versus Vick. The problem is, T.O. has McNabb and Vick has...nobody. Advantage Eagles (-1).

Those are my picks, I'll have my result and more picks next week...probably on Friday or Saturday.

Monday, September 05, 2005


First off, sorry about the terrible post yesterday. I'm not going to delete it as a reminder to me that it is best to not add a blog entry after excessive drinking...though I must say that I impressed myself with my lack of typos. Let this be a lesson to everyone.

Now on to the point of this entry. After months of seeing my friends and brother get and use their portable MP3 players, I finally sucked it up and got myself one on Saturday. On Friday night, my buddy Ellis had mentioned that he just got an iPod so I figured I'd ask him a bunch of questions about it and go look at the Apple store myself. He seemed pretty satisfied with the iPod and a couple of my other friends had them, so that was my starting point.

I've never been in the Apple store before since I have a PC and don't feel like switching, so it was a new experience for me. The iPods were all on one table and I was bombarded with green shirt wearing salespeople wanting to answer my questions, which, in general, freaks me out. I left the store to regroup, and after a trip to Sears to see what the competition had to offer I returned to the Apple store.

Apparently, by leaving I put the scarlett letter on my chest, because now no one wanted to assist me. I walked up to a guy and asked him to answer a few questions for me. He really wasn't very helpful and seemed pissed off that I was asking him such "simple" questions as "What does it use for a battery?"

After he informed me that it was a Lithium Bicarbonate Superhydroxy Catamostrophic Cell, all I could do is give him a blank stare. Finally, after several exchanges I got out of him the important fact that the battery charges itself everytime you plug the iPod into the USB connection on your computer. I really wish he had come out and said that at first.

Then, I wanted to know if the iPod did anything else other than play MP3s. This seemed like a viable question, but apparently it was offensive to this delicate genius. "Like what?" he came back with.

Now, I'm baffled, I thought I was the unknowledgeable customer and the questions should be directed at him, not me. This really threw me for a loop, so all I could come up with was, "like an FM receiver??" He came back with a "no" and said there was an adapter that made that possible, and left it at that.

What he failed to tell me, though I bought the thing anyway, was that it also serves as a temporary hard drive where you can store other information on it. It also has a calendar with day planner, an alarm clock, and some games...including a "Name that Tune" type of game using the songs I put on the iPod. I would think that all of these things fall under the category of "what else the iPod can do." What an ass.

So, as I have already said, I bought the iPod. Actually I got a silver iPod Mini with 4 GB of storage space. I spent most of the day on Saturday organizing the 657 songs I already had on my computer using the iTunes program that comes with the iPod. It's a pretty good program, though I've pretty much gotten used to Musicmatch, so hopefully I'll get to like it.

Overall, I'd say it was a pretty good purchase, and I would recommend the iPod Mini to anyone else out there interested in getting an MP3 player. I wouldn't, however, recommend asking anyone at the Apple store for help...especially this pretentious dork who works at the Montgomery Mall store.

Anyway, I am one step closer to always having theme music with me wherever I go. I am about to go for a bike ride...I feel a "Life is a Highway" background kicking in right now.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Lotto drinkin'

I have just come back from the Nationals game and several hours of post-victory drinking (well, they really didn't need to win, but it makes it better) so you're not gonna get a full blog.

Here's a few of the highlights of the game:

-The beer guy in our section looked like Charlie Manson
-The chick in front of me had huge boobs and a huge mole (holey moley) on her chin. Thankfully, from my angle I really only had a clear shot at the boobs.
-I haggled with a scalper to get our tickets, which took much longer than expected and confirmed for me the fact that all the scalpers are working together for someone greater than all of us. We ended up getting nosebleed seats and having the scalper try to steal my girlfriend because I'm too cheap to get the $30 tickets. His exact words were, "Come on boo, I'll treat you right. You don't need to sit in those crappy seats with this guy." Truly a wonderful exchange
-I bought a Super Pretzel despite the shittiness of the one I got at the Mets game, only to curse myself and my willingness to forgive them for making a shitty Super Pretzel in the past.

That's it. I told you it would suck. Why did you read it? Loser. I'm gonna go pass out now. Thank god for three day weekends and Washington baseball.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

New Orleans...what next?

I've tried to avoid writing about the situation going on in New Orleans for some time now, because quite frankly it seems like the trendy blogger thing to do, but it's all that I hear on the radio and TV (obviously), so I wanted to put some of my thoughts out there.

I'm not gonna bash the government and say that they are doing a bad job, because I'm sure they are doing all that they can, and who am I or who is anyone for that matter, to judge what "too slow" is. This is a catastrophe so extreme, how does one gauge how fast you are supposed to act to therefore come up with the conclusion that the government is acting too slow? Bush is there now, military presence is either there or on their way, so things are moving forward.

What I want to know is, how do they plan to fix this situation? I mean, you have a giant city under what appears to be 10-30 feet of water. I understand that new levies can be built and you can then pump out the water, but where do you put that water??? That water has dead people floating in it, god knows how much sewage backed up into it, all sorts of waste and shit from all the industrial places that got flooded, plus who knows what else. You can't just shoot that back out to the other side of the levy, can you?

And then, once you do get the water out, what do you have left behind? I've drained pools that have been sitting with filthy water (not even close to what the water must be like in New Orleans) and let me tell you, the sludge left behind from that is gross. I don't even want to imagine what it's gonna smell like. And the buildings? Do they just demolish the whole city and start from scratch? Most of the buildings were probably fucked up by the initial surge of water, but I'm sure what that initial surge didn't hurt, the sitting in water did.

It's just so amazing to me the extent of damage that occurred here, and I am interested to see how things progress over the next few months....hell, years. This is seriously an event of biblical proportions and almost seems a bit too biblical:

The city of sin and debauchery has itself washed clean by the hand of God and His mighty waters.

No, that's not a real biblical quote, I just made it up, but doesn't it seem like it could be? Or a Nostradomus prediction?

On a more sensitive note, my heart goes out to all those people who are now without their homes, their livelihood and perhaps their loved ones. I have made a donation to the Red Cross and I hope that everyone out there will do some small part to help.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Selling out to the man

I have added a link to the Fort Minor streaming music player that features two of the songs from the new upcoming album: "Petrified" and "Remember the Name." Fort Minor is the side project band of Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park. The songs don't have the same flair as Linkin Park since the lead singer, Chester, is not a part of this group, but "Remember the Name" has a pretty cool beat, which is Mike Shinoda's specialty.

Please link to it and check it out...for you own enjoyment...and so I can win a signed vinyl record. Every click from that link gives me more entries in a chance to win it. So, tell your friends or your acquaintences or people you don't even like...I don't really care.

Yes, I know...selling out to the man. It's the title of this blog entry for god sake.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Top 10: Pump Up Music

It's been a while since I posted a top 10 list, so in light of the upcoming NFL Season and my mentioning of my listening to pump-up music before sporting events, here goes. I'm sure this will get a wide range of opinions, because even I had trouble putting down only 10.

Top 10 Best Pump Up Songs
10) Puff Daddy w/ Notorious BIG & Busta Rhymes - Victory - Taken from the Rocky song, it already had a good start, then when Busta starts rapping, you can feel your adrenaline flow
9) WWF Intros - Jericho (Break the Walls Down) - I know this isn't really a song, but it was put on the WWF CD and it really gets me pumped up. It's losing its edge since I don't watch wrestling much anymore, but it still has its place on this list.
8) Disturbed - Sickness - There's something about screaming like an animal that really makes a song pump you up
7) Filter - Hey Man, Nice Shot - I remember countless nights in college destroying stuff while this played over the speakers. The constant ups and downs make it that much more it's about a guy shooting himself in the head.
6) Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff - The song is called Break Stuff. And it started a riot at Woodstock. It seems like it deserves to be here.
5) Linkin Park - One Step Closer - You know I'm a huge LP fan and this is one of the best.
4) Survivor - Eye of the Tiger - This one needs no explanation. What that opening beat starts, you get motivated to hurt someone.
3) Eminem - Til I Collapse - This is the only true rap song on the list, but the beat and Nate Dogg make this one a solid song to listen to. This is usually the last one I listen to before I turn off the music. It's a deeper pump up.
2) AC/DC - Thunderstruck - AC/DC in general is a band that always gets me juiced, but this is definitely my favorite. It's also in a football scene from Varsity Blues, so that helps.
1) Guns N Roses - Welcome to the Jungle - I can't think of any song that makes me more ready to run around like a crazed monster than the Jungle. Again with a movie reference, the collisions in the Program keep flashing in my mind. Definitely the tops.

Now, I need to go run off this aggression.