Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Throwback Saturday

When my older brother called me last Saturday to let me know that Davidson was actually on TV playing basketball, I had no idea that being able to watch my alma mater nearly blow a game live would begin what would be a true day of throwback moments.

As I mentioned, Davidson was out to a substantial lead most of the game, having never trailed at any point...until about 1:30 left in the game. Thankfully, a clutch block and three point bucket saved the seniors' final home game, though Davidson is left with only a 3rd place finish in the Southern Conference Regular Season and will require a tournament championship to play any games past this weekend.

Following the game, I got myself ready to head over to my buddy Dave's birthday at his fiance's house. Having dated his fiance, Mayumi, very briefly back in high school, I had been to her house once before, but that was over 10 years ago! (THROWBACK #2)

We arrive and the gathering begins with a variety of guests including Dave's college buddies, work colleagues, and family. Mind you, I haven't seen Dave's family in just as long as I've seen Mayumi's house, and when Dave's sister walks in, I only partially recognize her, leading to this awkward exchange:

Her: Jeff?
Me: (Who is this person? I know I recognize them) Hey, didn't you go to Whitman? (my HS)
Her: Jeff! I'm Dave's sister.
Me: Oh my god. Is my face red.

It all comes back to me and we have Throwback moment #3.

The evening at Dave's ends with a quality shot of tequila courtesy of Mayumi's stepdad, and Amy and I are off to drop her off before I head out to continue the drinking with Dave and the birthday crew.

Unsure as to when they would get down there, I call back my buddy G-Man, who had demanded I go out on Saturday night. Unfortunately, G-Man ends up being a big pussy (yeah, I said it!) and decides he doesn't want to go out since he went out on Friday, so I'm searching for a backup option...and it's already close to 11 PM (didn't want to disturb you Kupe, a la the night I wander around in G-town). And as if by an act of god, my phone rings and it is my younger brother, Kevin.

After some discussion, I decide I'm heading over to his place to head out with him and his friends to eventually meet up with Dave in Adam's Morgan. Things appear to be working out well and as I arrive at his place and see beirut already set up, things can only get better. You realize it's been like a year since I played beirut, and almost 3 years since I've played with my brother. And then there were 4 throwback moments.

We finish a few games and grab the metro. One of Kevin's friends has graciously made a roady of Cranberry and vodka and all is going well...that is until we start walking from the metro to Adam's Morgan. The beer and piss are filling up inside of me and I need to piss bad. I'm seeing salvation at the end of the bridge, where I usually go, and in anticipation the pee comes to the forefront. You know what I'm talking about, you know you're about to pee so it comes out of the dugout and gets right on deck, making you feel like you have to go with even more urgency. AND THERE'S A COP SITTING RIGHT THERE. Oh, I'm fucked. I am in physical pain now, as are my brother and his roommate, as we are shot down from the standard pee location. After a few hundred feet, I can't take it any more. I whip it out and proceed with the walking piss, a move I haven't used in almost 5 years. THROWBACK.

Unfortunately, some dude comes walking past us and I'm forced to duck into someone's sunken entrance to finish up. My bro has already begun tagging this area when I arrive, and we are both startled as the light turns on and a women yells at us, "Real classy, guys!" She was right, couldn't have said it better myself.

Onward to Dan's and the most horrible moment in my entire life. I've described Dan's in past posts, and most of you know the place anyway, so I'll spare you the setup. After we're there for a while and since I've broken the seal on the walk, I have to go to the bathroom. When I get to the door marked MEN, I smell the strong vile odor of stale urine and I know I'm in for trouble. I open the first door and the stench punches me right in the face as I stare down at a puddle of something on the floor...but I'm not in the bathroom yet, just the intermediate door. I trudge through the little stream and open the second door. Bad idea.

This time, the reak is so bad, it is basically 6'4" 250 and it ninja kicks me squaw in the gut. I can barely breath as I try to do my business and even pulling my shirt up over my face doesn't help. Screw washing my hands, I bolt from the pisser mid zip up, happy to still be alive. It was definitely the worst smell I have ever encountered in my life...and that's saying a lot considering I've pulled dead rotting animals out of pools after Winter's of decompisition. Yeah, I went there...and it was worse. Thankfully, this was not a throwback moment, and I hope I never a moment like that again.

But upon exiting Dan's and entering Roxanne's, I ran into six girls who also went to Davidson with me, including my sophomore roommate's fiance. After attempting to communicate with them for a few minutes (mind you I had the tequila shot, played beirut, and went to Dan's..talk about throwing back) I took off to meet back up with everyone who went in without me.

Barely able to stand, my night soon comes to an end, as Dave and I catch a cab to the metro. Dave enjoyed a nice moment of passing out on the ride to the White Flint stop, and we were both forced to run to the car, because it was like 10 degrees outside and the beer coat evidently stops working after 3 AM.

Just like the good old days...truly a nice throwback night.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Say What?

Some solid attempts at a caption last week...I gotta give the nod to Pogue for his contribution. Since I actually got some replies, I figured I'd bring it back again this week, so here is the second installment of "Say What?". Please add your own caption(s) in the Comments, you witty bastards.

Researchers in the North Pole were greatly discouraged when a routine dig accidentally hit Santa's septic tank.

J-Man goes to the Gym?

As I mentioned several weeks back, my brother got me to join Gold's Gym back in January and after a couple visits, I became deathly ill with the shits and such. The shitting has obviously subsided and I have regained my strength, so it was time to make some use out of the $30 I'll be forking over each month.

I've never been a big fan of gyms because I've always gotten the impression that it's just a place for dudes to try and prove who has the bigger wang, by strutting around in tank tops and weight belts, while striking a pose for all the ladies who are straddling the stationary bikes trying to peddle off the cottage cheese thighs they've developed since they landed that desk job. And then I thought, there can be no better place for comedy, and I'll keep myself in shape at the same time...what the hell.

So, last Wednesday, I began my first week of going to the gym, and though I don't feel any stronger at this point, the classic moments will continue to pile on like layers of muscle in my mind.

The first classic moment involved a guy, who I will call "Constipation Face." Now, old C-Face is up by the dumbbells doing your basic standing curl to work on the beach muscles. This is my shoulder workout day, so sadly I could not join C-Face in his routine, but I think I will add it to my repertoire for future visits. The key to his workout is to stand about 2 feet from the mirror, and really give yourself a solid stare down...you gotta psyche that guy out. Then, with a tremendous groan, you have to heave that dumbbell up while simultaneously giving yourself a "I could just as easily be sitting on the toilet" face contortion. I am well versed in this artform from the various times that I visit any friends or family that happen to have a mirror directly in front of the toilet. Yes, it's a bit odd at first, but after a while it's almost like watching an episode of Flavor of Love. I've only seen C-Face that one time, so hopefully he didn't give himself irreparable hemmoroidal flair up. I'll say a prayer for him.

A second moment came just two days ago, when I ended up going to the gym by myself and forgot my iPod. The music in the gym is usually good, but for some reason it was crappy that day, so I figured I'd just see what other people were up to. Luckily, there were two 5'6" Asian juicers working out next to me, so obviously something entertaining was bound to happen. And that's when they brought to me a new catch phrase, which I have been abusing for the last few days: "Good set!" They must have said it every 5 minutes and it was always accompanied with a head nod and a look around to see if anyone else noticed the 110 lb. dumbbells they were tossing up. Sadly, there were no women around, and therefore I began feeling increasingly awkward, and quickly moved onto a different exercise in a different area. I was done anyway...good set!

The comedy continued as I finished up my workout and heading back to my locker to change one day. I had been watching the USA-Latvia (or some shit) hockey game while I worked out on the nordic machine, and it had pretty much been 1-0 for the whole time I was watching. After grabbing a drink of water and sitting down by my locker, I heard the announcer for the game over the speakers in the locker room say that Latvia had scored again, and now lead 2-1?!! What?! I was pretty baffled, so I turned to the kid down the way from me and asked if Latvia had just scored two goals in like the last 2 minutes. He confirmed this debacle and I went back to changing while listening to the announcer. A few seconds later, another shot was taken and the announcer made it sound like a third goal, so I turned to the same guy and yelled, "what the hell..."

But something was different with the scene this time. Something terribly different. Something new had entered my field of vision. Yes, the same kid was there, but directly behind him (I'm talking 2 feet max.) stood an old naked man. How in the hell did this guy get over there and naked so quickly....and why is he standing so close to this other guy? I nearly bust out laughing and quickly turn back to my clothes to finish up. I knew this was common place, but it is still humorous to me because we are constantly joking about all the naked old men that our technicians run into at work, who are swimming when we arrive. Old men just enjoy being naked I guess. And this guy was out to prove it. Because I got dressed, got up and went over to the sink; washed my hands and fixed my hair, and this dude was still naked. But now he had moved to the center of the room and was looking at himself in the mirror. Dead center, for all to see. Classic old guy move. Classic gym move.

He didn't need the tank top and weight belt. He just whipped it out. Now, that's old school.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Finally...some baseball

With the end of the football season came the dreaded portion of the year that can best be described as "the worst two months of sports" or "the fantasy sports black hole". You see, no one should ever be involved in a fantasy basketball or hockey league, and especially not fantasy NASCAR or golf (Dave!), so that pretty much just leaves Football and Baseball. Thankfully, baseball takes up most of the year, and football picks up right as baseball is wrapping up...but then there's the gap.

And that gap has finally come to an end. My days of going onto the internet and having no sports news to care about (except Redskins offseason news, which is grim given their salary cap issues) are over. Today I drafted my first fantasy baseball team of the year.

You see, every year, I celebrate the reintroduction of baseball by signing up for a free Yahoo public fantasy baseball league, as soon as they are offered. I picked the earliest draft date I could find, and this morning at 10:30, I wasted an excellent hour and a half (which never happens in my other leagues) drafting my new squad. In two more weeks, I will painfully spend close to 7-9 hours having my keeper league auction, and when the stars align and all the owners can agree, I will even more painfully spend 5-7 hours drafting my league with my friends. Yes, three fantasy leagues. Two for money. It's about the only thing that makes me want to wake up in the morning during the Summer, when work is so hard I forget what day of the week it is. That's why I love it.

And with the completion of my first draft comes my first fantasy baseball commentary of the year. Am I an expert, worth reading? No, but we're in the "gap" what else do you have to read?

So here's what I ended up with:

C Rod Barajas, TEX: I grabbed this guy in the second to last round after I missed out on the top few quality catchers. This year I decided to treat catchers like I treat tight ends in fantasy football. If I don't grab one of the top 3, I'll pick one up at the end...because they're all crap after the top guys. I could have done worse. Barajas should be good for 20 HR playing in Texas.

1B Derek Lee, CHC: This is my first round pick. I ended up with the 7th overall pick, and I just couldn't pass up on him. He's continued to get better each year and last year, he was just silly.

2B Marcus Giles, ATL: I was very happy to grab this guy in the 5th round. Definitely a good value, especially since he plays second.

3B Melvin Mora, BAL: He slipped til late in the draft and I'm hoping he'll bounce back to the kind of stats he put up two years ago. I'm not holding my breath, but he's above average.

SS Jimmy Rollins, PHI: I love this guy and I was able to grab him in the 3rd round. He should provide me with the SB boost I need, even though he's no Jose Reyes.

OF Bobby Abreu, PHI: My second round pick. Not much to say here. He's always a 30-30 threat...plug and play.

OF Cliff Floyd, NYM: I don't know what it is about Floyd. I always seem to end up with him on my squads because everyone else is afraid of his injury risk. He served me well in my Yahoo League last year (which I won), so he deserves to return to at least one of my teams.

OF Preston Wilson, HOU: I swear he and Floyd are the same guy. He got a bad rap last year because he played in Washington, where everyone sucks. Hopefully the shift to Houston will help him out.

UT Richie Sexson, SEA: Another J-Man favorite. I can't go wrong with a 40-50 HR threat who has Ichiro batting in front of him.

SP John Lackey, LAA: Something had to give to provide me with a solid offense, but I feel OK with Lackey as my #1 starter. I'm definitely weak here, but he's a 200 K style pitcher on a good team, so he's got a high ceiling.

SP Doug Davis, MIL: Milwaukee has a really good pitching coach (see Capuano, Kolb and Turnbow) and Davis really flies under the radar for a 200 K possibility. I'd rather have him as my third or fourth starter, but we've already gone over that.

RP Brad Lidge, HOU: He's nasty. Plain and simple.

RP Trevor Hoffman, SD: He's getting older, but Petco is still a pitcher's park and that team is gonna keep winning in the NL West.

P Zach Duke, PIT: I'm not sold on this kid, but he was the best available when I took him. Hopefully, he keeps the magic from last year going.

P Oliver Perez, PIT: Two starting pitchers from the Pirates, that can't be good. He was solid two years ago and always has a good K/IP, so hopefully last year was a result of injuries.

P Ryan Dempster, CHC: I stole him late in the draft (sandwiched between Mike Mussina and Chris Ray) and I feel pretty happy with a Cubs closer as my third reliever when some of the teams have only one on their squad.

Jonny Gomes, TB: He was decent last year as I had him in all my leagues at one point, so why not see if he can keep it up for those times when Floyd and Wilson are hurt.

Mike Jacobs, FLA: I accidentally took this guy thinking he was still eligible for catcher. Unfortunately, he's only a 1B, but there's really no one else on Florida except Cabrera, so someone's got to get RBI's

Kenny Rogers, DET: Yes, I took the gambler.

Daniel Cabrera, BAL: Leo Mazzone better be the pitching genius every makes him out to be, or it's gonna be a long year of me debating whether I should cut this guy with a sick K/IP.

Shawn Chacon, NYY: I had to grab a Yankee, my last pick of the draft.

Overall, I like my squad. Based on the other 11 teams, I'd put my squad around 3-5, with the chance at the title if some of these pitchers put it all together.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Say What?

I am thinking about adding a new recurring theme to my blog, which will make it a bit more interactive as well as minimize the amount of thought I need to put into writing a post. So here is my trial run of my new recurring theme: Say What?

Here's how it works. I will post a picture every Thursday night/Friday so that you can sit at your desk on Friday and kill time trying to come up with a caption more retarded (or clever, you witty bastards) than mine. Post your own caption(s) in the "Comments." The person with the best caption wins absolutely nothing, but at least you weren't working. Enjoy:

Now that my chances for a medal are gone, I guess I can finally pee in my helmet.

Top 10: Movie Bad Guys

In keeping with my promise to try and bring more of the repeated themed posts back, here is a new Top 10 list dedicated to the characters that pissed me off, gave me nightmares, and who just plain evil. This was really one of the toughest lists to narrow down, but I think this is a good (well, bad) bunch. Enjoy my:

Top 10 Best Movie Villains
Honorable mention: The Shark - Jaws: I don't usually give an honorable mention, but since he actually wasn't a real character, I thought I'd make an exception here. You gotta admit, the shark made you think twice before going swimming after you saw this movie.
10. Al Capone (Robert DeNiro) - The Untouchables: His cronie does more of the bad guy stuff in this movie, but the one scene with the baseball bat is all it takes to put that man on this list.
9. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) - Die Hard: It's gotta be the accent, but this guy's a real jerk. He smoked Harry after he pretended to be Bruce Willis' friend, and he died the way so many classic bad guys go (plummeting from a building).
8. Unicron (Orson Welles) - Transformers: The Movie: They introduced this character out of no where and he was a Transformer that was a whole planet! And he ate some of the prime Autobots that I grew up watching. That's a bold move, and a scary scene for a 10 year old. Watch the movie for yourself...he's pretty scary for a cartoon.
7. Max Cady (Robert DeNiro) - Cape Fear: The scenes from this movie have been parodied so many times, you have to respect the bad guy. All the tattoos, smoking the big cigar...and it's freakin' Robert DeNiro again. He's one scary bastard.
6. John Doe (Kevin Spacey) - Se7en: This is less the character than the acts he performs and the movie as a whole. Disturbing, simply disturbing.
5. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) - Rocky IV: This Russian monster killed Apollo! Apollo! There's no easy way out. There's no shortcut home. There's no easy way out. Givin in, givin in, can't be wrong.
4. Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton) - The Wizard of Oz: She's pretty much as evil as they come. Hell, wicked is in her name. And she wanted to kill a Cairn Terrier...that's just mean.
3. Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) - Nightmare on Elm Street: I obviously saw this movie when I was way too young, because I slept on the floor in my parents room for a week after it. There's just something really scary about a guy who can kill you in your dreams. He's only really scary in the first movie though, so don't bother with the sequels.
2. Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) - Silence of the Lambs: He's a real type of evil...serial killer...cannibal...extremely intelligent. While most of the others on the list are characatures, he's the real deal, and that's why he's number 2.
1. Darth Vader (Voice of James Earl Jones) - Empire Strikes Back: Darth Vader is the perfect characature of evil. He's more than likely the first picture that pops into one's head when they think of bad guys and he's is undoubtedly my #1 pick.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Bad Parenting

So, today I had to take my dog, Chloe, to the vet. This visit was partly a routine visit for shots, and partly because she has a serious crapping issue. You see, about a week ago, Chloe ate a bunch of stuff including a piece of a rubber tennis ball she destroyed, pieces of broken tile from a bathroom project Amy has been working on for several weeks now, and a pencil because well, she found a pencil and felt like eating it.

Now, this type of feasting is not abnormal for Chloe, but this time around, something appeared to get stuck...or so I thought. Soon after eating this stuff, Chloe showed signs of distress when trying to drop a number 2 in the backyard. She'd strain and arch her back funny, flail around trying to look back there to see what's going on, and stop short of completion, after flinging the few pieces of poop she could get out all over the place. Obviously, someone needed to look into this, thus the doctor's visit.

So, we get to the vet and I give the doctor the rundown on what's been happening with Chloe. As I'm telling him this story, I'm thinking to myself, is he judging me? Am I a bad dog owner because I allowed my dog to eat rubber, ceramic and wood? I'm pretty sure if I went to a real doctor with these same problems for a child, he'd probably call in some outside "counselors." But hell, she's a dog right? My old dog, Clyde, had to have a surgery to remove a deer hoof and a koosh ball from his stomach, so maybe it's just a dog thing? Or maybe bad parenting runs in my family?

I've turned out pretty normal, as have my two brothers, so I'm thinking that's not the case. I mean, we never ran around like crazed idiots trying on display shoes at the Champs Sports when we were kids. And we certainly didn't stroll over to another table at a restaurant and disturb a couple as they were enjoying their dinner. And we definitely did not jam our toys in the skimmers and main drain of a pool, causing it to clog the system and require hours of work to remove. Yeah, I think we're OK.

So, I finish the story and the doctor takes Chloe in the back to "check things out." I had a bout of colitis a few years back, so I can feel for Chloe's dilemma over the next few minutes...ugh...and when the doctor returns he gives me his prognosis.

Well, he checked around in there and found that the anal or skunk glands had gotten a bit overfilled. This has actually happened before because Chloe has for some reason not learned the age old dog trick of the scoot, whereby she would cleanse these glands by scooting around on her ass, much to the amusement of all onlookers. Well, more than likely, these swollen glands have been rubbing against the poo as it passes and causing her discomfort. A quick purging of the glands and she's more than likely good to go. What do you know? Doesn't appear to have been the rubber, ceramic and wood after all. I guess I'm not a bad parent as originally perceived.

So, we get back into the car, Chloe jumps on my lap, and we drive away.

What's that? Screw you for judging me!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Pass the Charmin

I prefer Charmin Extra Soft toilet paper, yet my girlfriend is opposed to it. Not sure why? Most of the time I win because I get the giant 48 pack at Costco before she even realizes we're running low and then she has to deal with it for the next five months. However, this go round I dropped the ball and she ended up picking up some quilted one-ply bullshit that now sits in our bathroom.

And it got me to thinking...why do they even make one-ply? Are people really that cheap? Or stupid? Yeah you get twice as much TP in length, but I have a strict minimum number of plys that must be between my hand and my ass. If I have to fold it over twice as much to get to that quota, I will do just that. Screw you Cotonelle! Ain't no way there's gonna be only one thin ply between me and a stink palm.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Best of the Dirty Filter

Well, with almost 200 entries and almost a year (yep, one year in March) of typing, I felt it was time we were all able to easily look back on some of the better posts of the past. Let's be honest, most of them were crap and who wants to sift through all that to find the winners? Not me, and I'm writing this shit.

So, I have just added new links to the bottom of the right side, allowing you to link to some of my personal favorites as well as my repeating themes: Top 10 Lists, Fuzzy Memories, and Brain Farts.

I hope everyone enjoys the added ease and perhaps this will motivate me to post a few more quality entries.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Some Sports Tidbits

Here's a few tidbits I just thought I'd throw out there, and what better time for such a post than the day after the Super Bowl:

  • Didn't the whole Jerome Bettis thing seem just a little too perfect this Super Bowl. I mean, he walks up there and gives this speech that "The Bus's Last Stop is in Detroit." I swear I've seen something like this before. I just don't know why they stopped there...the lights should have dimmed, "I Am a Real American" should have started pumping over the sound system, and the Bus should have ripped off his Super Bowl T-Shirt and given all his fans one last flex pose.
  • OK, this is an odd coincidence. A few days ago, Nomar Garciaparra announces that he is not going to participate in the World Baseball Classic for Mexico because he wants to focus on changing positions for his new team, the Dodgers. And what's this...today they announce that 2 players will randomly be tested following every WBC game? Yeah, that pretty much seals it for me. Nomar is so juiced up, I'll bet Mia Hamm even tests positive for steroids (fill in your own filthy conclusions)
  • How sick are the Detroit Pistons? They lose Larry Brown (who is obviously a coaching genius, worth all the fuss he caused) and they are still the best team in the NBA right now. Their top 6 players are ridiculous and this is all despite having Darko "Yes, I actually was drafted before Carmelo and Dwayne Wade" Milicic on the team.
  • Obviously, there were some bad calls in the Super Bowl that may have affected the outcome of the game (the Offensive Pass Interference call on Darrell Jackson in the endzone or the holding call on the pass to the 2 yard line), but the technical foul call in the FSU-Duke game is just another example that makes me wonder just how much money the NCAA gets from Duke University each year to make sure they don't lose. I mean, this team gets 5 McDonald's All-Americans every year and they get all the calls too?! Suspending those officials one game...wow...that'll really throw us off the scent.
  • And I'd also like to add that I am really psyched about Warren Moon getting inducted into the Hall of Fame on his first attempt. Aside from the fact that he was my favorite player growing up (the guy threw for 300+ yards every game, who wouldn't be a fan), that I have about 6 of his rookie card and his signature on two plaques, and that he beat his wife, this guy threw for more yards than any other quarterback in the history of FOOTBALL and somehow never seems to get mentioned in the same breath as Dan Marino and John Elway. Hopefully, this will help.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Po-la-ma-lu. That guy is good. Not much else to say here. And, yes, I have had a bit to drink. Screw you, it's my blog and I'll post when I feel like it. Po-la-ma-lu.

Super Bowl Predictions
Seattle - 38
Pittsburgh - 14
Bill Cowher - Several angry faces
Miller Light - Best commercial
Halftime - Worst ever, and thankfully no tits
Anna Benson - Somewhat over-rated and apparently not associated with the Super Bowl at all

Lofa Tatupu.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Car Sickness Update

In a shocking and monumental turn of events, my brother has shattered his previous mark of turning over cars by signing over the lease to his newest car, the Lexus IS350, to my mother. In exchange, he will take over the final 6 months of her leased 2003 Infiniti G35 Coupe. With this move, that puts his total time for possessing his Lexus at just over 2 weeks and his total number of cars at 7 in 8 years...stupendous.

Citing a lack of budget for the latest move, my brother has now shown the abilities to make moves at a more rapid pace than Omar Minaya, though no Hispanics were involved in these transactions (well maybe in the final washing of the Lexus).

Somebody get me some more cowbell...and pronto!