Monday, March 30, 2009

Top 10 Worst Times to Have to Poop

So, last week I had the unfortunate pleasure of going up to Danielle's family's place in Western PA for the funeral of her grandfather, who passed two Saturdays ago. With any trip and especially those when you're visiting people you don't know all that well, a major concern always pops up: What if I have to poop at an inopportune moment?

Thankfully, my poop timer was in rare form this past week, allowing me to drop off the kids before my drive up there, make my second deposit the next day when I awoke and prior to the viewing, and dump the final load while her family handled the last of the final preparations after the funeral.

However, I have been unfortunate in many past situations, and upon further reflection on the subject after my most recent successful trip, I have now developed what I believe to be:

The Top 10 Worst Times to Have to Poop
10. When first arriving at a new location where you don't know the owner's of the house that well: It's always awkward meeting new people, but it's even worse when one of the first things you do is excuse yourself to go destroy their bathroom. I had the unfortunate pleasure of pulling this one off last Halloween when after a long drive through the mountains we arrived at Danielle's friend's cabin, and I needed to cut some fire wood.
9. While on an airplane: I have thankfully never had to pull this one off, but I have even more unfortunately been the victim of someone else unleashing this terror. It's a cramped space to begin with, you know everyone knows when you walked by, and when the smell permeates, everyone is looking for the oxygen masks to drop.
8. At the movies: It's bad enough that you just paid $14 to watch a movie, but if you have to leave in the middle of it to take a dump, it's a disaster. Good luck finding your seat again without being that douche who calls out his friend's name. And then filling in the gaps you missed is likely not going to be a quiet exchange.
7. At a job interview: Nothing says "hire me" like disappearing for a bathroom break in the midst of several critical first meetings and discussions. Or worse, you could try to fight through it, risk the possible farting, or suffer through the stomach pain.
6. On a first date: Much like the interview, nothing makes a first impression like an extended departure from the dinner table. Women have the prefabricated "freshening up" excuse, while every woman knows exactly what you were up to if you're gone for more than 5 minutes...and that usually doesn't segue well into a second date.
5. At the beach: Sure you can piss in the ocean, but taking a dump is a whole different puzzle. Having no desire to even attempt this, you're forced to make the hot dash up the sand, possibly packing up your towels and stuff so they don't get stolen, only to walk a couple blocks (it's rare I stay on the beach) back to wherever I can safely release. And then if your slightly damp from the ocean, cleanup is a disaster. Plus the sand...don't get me started.
4. Stuck in traffic: You're in your car. There's no where to go. And there's literally no where to go. At least you're not moving around and can try to keep focus on not shitting yourself as you slowly creep along.
3. On the metro: This one falls along the same lines as the traffic, but it adds an extra degree of difficulty. For one, you're with a bunch of people. And second, you're gonna have to walk around long before you'll be anywhere near a usable bathroom. I was in this unfortunate situation one time, developed the urge around Metro Center, suffered through til the Bethesda metro stop, where my car was parked, and by the time that I made my way through the crowd, up the long ass escalator and to the parking garage where my car was parked, I had already made the mental decision that if necessary, I would shit my pants, remove my underwear, and throw it on the ground in the parking garage, driving home commando style. Thankfully, I fought through and made it home, with only intense pain and sweating (yes, sweating) as my casualty, underwear still in check.
2. While playing a sport - Imagine getting all your football gear on, hearing the cheer of the crowd as you storm onto the field, and then dealing with the pain in your bowels as you are forced to withstand an entire half before any chance of shitting will arise. Oh yeah, and you need to run as fast as you can, and there's a great chance someone is going to collide with you. Not good times.
1. At an outdoor festival - If you have any doubts that this is the number one worst place to poop, I dare you to go to Shamrock Fest next year, wait in the ridiculous lines for the port a johns, listening to the drunks heckle anyone who takes more than 2 minutes to get out, and then feast your eyes on what is in the bowl once you enter the coffin of feces. Thankfully, I have never had to experience this. I hope I never do.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Top 10 Reasons I Love March Madness

In the spirit of the NCAA Tournament, which sadly does not feature my alma mater and last year's Cinderella, Davidson, I thought I would put forth this newest Top 10 List.

Top 10 Reasons I Love March Madness
10. Thanks to "the office bracket," the majority of women are actually interested in sports for a short period of time.
9. If you decide to take a Thursday or Friday off to watch sports at any other time, people would look at you like you're some kind of freak.
8. I actually look at the Over/Under bets and think to myself...yeah, let's do this.
7. I have never watched Cornell play a game of basketball in my life, but I am spouting off that they don't have much depth and will therefore run out of steam late in the game.
6. There's nothing more pleasing than drinking a couple beers, watching 8 games of basketball, and then walking outside to see the sun still up.
5. I find it ironic that bars probably have their best daily sales while people that legally can't come into their bars entertain their patrons.
4. At no other time will you see a guy hit a three pointer as time expires and hear a whole bar scream, even though the final score is 71-55.
3. I enjoy yelling at people I don't know through the TV and I've stopped watching the Real World.
2. I'm $100 richer today than I was yesterday and that's all thanks to the University of Missouri. Yes, the University of Missouri. I'm not even sure what city that's in. And I couldn't name one player on their team. Well, there's dread locks guy.
1. Because moments like March 28, 2008 can happen. Davidson 73, Wisconsin 56. I can't tell you a day I was more excited and proud of where I went to school.

So, I've got $50 on UConn (-10) over Texas A & M. At least I've seen UConn play before. Let's go Huskies!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

J-Man: Snow Dork

Today I headed back to work after a nice day off from work yesterday, as we finally got our first sizable snow of the year...albeit it took until March to get it.

So on Sunday afternoon, the forecasters were giddy like they always get when a snow storm is coming, constantly cutting in to the normal programming to give you updates on the progress of the storm and what to expect. Topper Shutt even giggled like a small child on Monday morning when he could blow the snow off his weather perch with an air blower.

Well, seeing as this was the first snow storm of the year, and I'm sort of a big fan of snow (I work on pools...I have nothing better to do than enjoy the snow this time of year), I decided that I too would get giddy with the upcoming holiday.

The plan would be set in action. Danielle and I decided if we were going to get snowed in, we had to have cool stuff to do. First, we needed to take a trip to College Park to grab snow gear from her place and then it was off to the Target. The last time it snowed, we met up with my brothers and their dogs in the park around the corner only to end up sledding down a hill on a storage bin top. Feeling it was time to upgrade, my brother had bought a saucer sled, so we thought we should get some ourselves.

The last time I remember riding on a saucer type of sled was back when I was in high school and we had that big ice storm after a snow storm, so you could just go and go and go on the ice. We took our sleds across the street to Avenel Golf Course (that's where I used to live) and just picked a direction and went. Tons of fun, until I hit a sand trap...which was a fun drop, until I hit the other end of the trap. That's when I slammed into the lip, flew in the air and landed with a thud. It was a while back, but I do remember my arm being sore for a couple days and perhaps being unconscious for a couple seconds. Ahhhh, good times.

Back to the present. We make it to Target, are unable to find any sleds (since it's March!!) and instead end up grabbing a blue and a pink inner tube. (The blue matches Danielle's eyes, so I went with pink...huh?). And then it happens. In typical Target fashion, we are pulled in by the sheer number of things around and find ourselves wanting to buy stuff other than what we came for. I don't know what it is, I can't walk into Target and not buy something. A couple weeks ago, I went in to look for a Wii recharging station, but didn't like the one they had, so I bought a book. WHAT??!! Not a book about Wii's. Just a book. The book section is right across from the Wii stuff and I was in, why not? Now, it's sitting on my night stand waiting for me to finish Angels & Demons, The Choice, and Twilight (yeah, I caved) first.

So, on Sunday, we walk by the toy department and see that games are on sale. Oooo. Games are good for a snowy day. Never mind that I have 19 other games (I just counted) including a version of Cranium and a Monopoly that I still haven't opened. So in goes Battleship into the cart. I mean, when was the last time you played Battleship?? They even changed the share a central board. And they changed the shapes of the ships...not just all long lines. And there's a man you "save" now. It's still the easiest game to cheat at...some things never change. B7?...uh, nope, another miss (ships move in real life, duh).

But that's not all. What's this? Puzzles? A puzzle would be fun on a snowy day. Set it up in the basement, light a fire, that's sounds pleasant. Throw it on into the cart. 200 pieces? Seems too small. 500? I have no clue. 1000? Sure, why not?

So, I went to Target to get a sled...and walked out with two inner tubes, Battleship and a 1000 piece puzzle of an underwater scene. All because it is going to snow the next day.

But we're not done. Off to the Giant to grab some food. Gotta have food on a snowy day. It appears as if everyone has this idea, as the place is crazy. It's gotta be the old "must have eggs, milk and toilet paper for a snow day rush." Why do they always show people buying these things to "prepare" for a snow day. My friends and I always joked about this, wondering if most people just sit at home eating omelets and shitting all day. Why would you just want those things?

We have higher expectations, and grab ingredients to make a chicken and rice dish for lunch and a crab dip with baguette for dinner. And to try and keep it healthy, we also buy some oranges and Fuji apples (they're the best) for shits and giggles.

Finally, I'm ready.

And now that it's all over...and the storm and cleanup have passed, I have this to show for it: We played one game of Battleship on Sunday night at around midnight, like kids on Christmas, and haven't touched it since; I overcooked the chicken because the rice took longer than expected; we took the inner tubes to the park and got a total of maybe 12 rides (one on the pink one) before my brother's dog popped them; I have a 1/3rd completed puzzle sitting on my downstairs table; and I was curled up in a ball from the incredible gas that I got from eating a crab, cream cheese and cheddar cheese dip at 9 PM for dinner.

Can't wait til the next snow storm!