Right after I graduated from college, I moved into a house with four other friends of mine (think I've mentioned this before, but just to help any new readers) in DC. The house was pretty big, and had a pretty decent sized attic, equipped with AC vents and overhead lighting. More on that in a little bit.
As you can imagine, a house with five guys living in it, all fresh out of college, rapidly becomes a shit hole. My one roommate, Josh, was notorious for filling large mixing bowls with Chinese Food and rice or pasta dishes, eating most of the food and leaving the bowls scattered about the house. We needed help.
That's when a brilliant (loosely) plan was concocted. We had phat place in the city with a spare room (attic, same difference) and we had a cleanliness issue. It seemed only logical that we would combine our positive and our negative to create our perfect solution.
Rent the room out to a chick and have her clean, in leiu of paying standard rent.
You would immediately think we're all assholes for coming up with such a sexist solution, and would probably assume that no woman would ever lower herself to such a degrading level as to serve as a live-in maid for five men who had stacks of porn lying around and shared 2 bathrooms...but the email requests came flowing in. Some had photos...always a nice touch.
My roommate Justin handled the arrangements and secured us a new roommate within a matter of one month. And then she arrived.
Her name was Johanna and she was German (plenty of hilarious build-up stories for this, but you'll have to wait for those fuzzy memories). She was probably about 6 feet tall, with blond hair and a pretty tight body. However, her hair always looked like she never washed it, which was kind of filthy. But who am I to judge the European way?
Anyway, it was only a matter of time before we realized that Johanna was a shitty housekeeper and a shitty cook (we figured we'd add that one in since there was high demand...sorry I left you in the dark). She couldn't even make Tacos. Tacos??!!! So there was only one thing left to do.
As the only single male in the house at the time, I should probably hook up with her. Yes, I know. The sexism just keeps on flowing. Perhaps god will punish me for being so much of a jerk.
Oh, and he did.
So, of course, I'm successful in my endeavor...I'm the J-man, bitches! We're in my room after a night of drinking (and my buddy making some ridiculous German stereotype jokes) and we start going at it. But something doesn't feel right.
Something actually hurts.
She's scratching my back.
Scratching me like I stole her wallet.
And I think she's drawing blood.
This is not normal.
She just bit me!
She bit me on my shoulder.
It's dark but I definitely see teeth marks.
What the fuck?
OWWWWW, she just bit my lip.
And she definitely drew blood, I can taste it.
What is wrong with this girl?!!
Safety forced me to conclude with doggie style, and I rapidly passed out before she had time to pull out some brass knuckles or an ice pick. For the next month or so that she lived there, I tended to my wounds and avoided contact as much as possible. I had dug my own grave with my sexist ways, and I was forced to lie in it. Obviously, I have now learned my lesson...don't have sex with German women with unwashed hair.
Come on seriously, did you expect something else?