Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Music Has Returned

After several weeks of no background music, I finally located another website that can bring that added touch back to this blog. It's like a chocolate mint left on your pillow by the maid after she's turned down your bed. Or like a happy ending by the masseuse after she's turned down your blow job requests. Huh?

Enjoy your afternoon delight.

He's Alive

After a prolonged hiatus, I have returned to bore you with countless painful stories and commentary. I hope everyone had a pleasant Thanksgiving holiday...or perhaps you had one more like mine:

Amy's family is flying in from Colorado for a 5 night stay at casa de J-man, and I'm on call to go pick them up at the airport. This wouldn't normally be an issue, but they are coming into BWI at 6 PM...right in the heart of rush hour. Great planning. Amy escapes from work at the last minute to join me on my blissful 1 hour 45 minute drive up to BWI to pick them up. What are my thanks for this journey and the ensuing return trip...Amy yells at me because my breath stinks while we're waiting for them at the airport. You try sitting in a car for that long and see how good your breath smells.

More drama as I decide I really don't feel like meeting Amy and her family for lunch. Bad idea. After getting hung up on twice and then not being able to get through to Amy's cell phone, I return home to an awkward exchange before heading out for Chili's with them. And what better way to cap off the afternoon than taking her parents (by myself, she had to go back to work) to go see Harry Potter. But wait J-man...didn't you already see Harry Potter on opening day?? Yep, and I was tricked into this one by the thoughts that the IMAX version was showing at Rio Cinema. Still a good movie, even the second time around. (Yes, I just bought myself a pocket protector)

Sweet turkey day!! This is the second year that we have had Thanksgiving at my place, and this year was to be the biggest Thanksgiving gathering in quite some time...14 people in all. The crew included my parents, my younger brother Kevin, my grandmother, my loud, Jewish princess, New Jersey born and raised, ballroom dance crazed aunt (I could write a whole blog about her, but you'd probably all throw up in your mouth after the first two paragraphs), Amy's parents, and a random (well, Amy knew them) family of five that Amy invited over. Now there's really too much to write it all as a part of this blog, so let me hit the highlights and maybe I'll write up the other stuff in a separate blog later.

  • Amy's step dad knows absolutely no one and therefore stays in the living room watching football the whole time
  • My dad is a grumpy old man and therefore stays in the living room watching football the whole time
  • My dog has to go outside 6 times during the day and still pisses on the floor
  • The family of five consisted of a 2 year old boy, a 4 year old boy, and an 8 year old girl. Obviously, I had to mock the toys that they brought with them and show them my impressive collection of Gameboy games, Playstation games, Transformers, GI Joes, WWF action figures and M.U.S.C.L.E.S. (oh, yeah. I still had those pink little bastards too). I would have to say that 'they got served'.
  • Amy gets nauseous midway through all the cooking and puked about 3 times
  • Amy's mom shuts off the oven the turkey was in, after pulling bread sticks out of the second oven. Of course, we didn't notice this until 45 minutes later when I noticed that the turkey didn't look much different and the oven wasn't very hot.
  • The smoke alarm went off three times, as the juices from the turkey overflowed into the oven and caught on fire.
  • My brother, mother and grandmother up and left before dinner to go let out my brother's girlfriend's dogs at her parents place 30 minutes from my they needed 3 people to do that
  • My aunt grabbed the cat and locked herself and the cat in my bedroom for 1/2 hour...then she yelled at me because the kids were too loud for the cat
  • And I drank...alot.
  • Like you wouldn't have?


When will this week end? Amy leaves me home alone all day with her step-dad and he stays upstairs working on her computer while I watch Tivo in my basement. Unfortunately, Amy and her mom don't make it back from shopping before my football game, so guess who's coming with me? Amy and her mom show up for the game too, and of course this is the game where three fights break out, including my brother getting elbowed in the nuts and one of our guys getting ejected. Classy.

This night also happens to be my 10 year high school reunion. There was much internal debate as to whether I wanted to go and ultimately I came to this conclusion:

"I haven't missed you for 10 years, what's another 10?"

Plus, I got punched in the face at my game and have a cut on my lip which looks more like a herpes sore. Always a great conversation starter:

"Been 10 years, how have you been, J-man?"

"Never been that I found Valtrex."


Nothing says Thanksgiving weekend like a day trip to Atlantic City with your girlfriend's parents. The bad part is: 3 hours in a tight car together. The good part is: 5 hours of gambling all by myself.

After sitting at the same blackjack table for 5 hours, sucking down around 12 Captain & Cokes and making numerous Asian friends, I stood up from the table with the exact same amount of money that I sat down with. Guess I can't complain. Oh, wait. Yes I can, here comes another 3 hours in the tight car.


Ahhh, my sanctuary. NFL Sunday with my buddies at Union Jack's in Bethesda. Nothing can spoil this. What??!!! Amy invited her stepdad to go with me??!!! And then made plans to have dinner at my parents' house at 5:30 PM!


Monday, November 21, 2005

Productive Saturday

Typically, my Saturdays over the last couple weeks have consisted of waking up around 10:30-11 AM, checking my computer for new emails or new fantasy football news, checking in on the week's worth of internet porn that I missed, and then lounging around the house watching Tivo until Amy gets home from work to lecture me on my complete and utter laziness.

This Saturday, however, things were a little different. I still rolled out of bed and handled the email, football, and porn tasks (some things aren't meant to be changed), but then the cleaning began.

You see, tomorrow, Amy's mother and step-father are coming into town and to call the house unkept would be a bit of an understatement. My computer table was completely covered in papers and old bank statements; my closet had a mound of clothes about 2 feet high, as did the area on my side of the bed; there is catnip on every carpet in the house since Chloe decided that cat toys are also dog toys; and there are four cups of pudding that should have been eaten two weeks ago sitting in the refridgerator.

Something needed to be done and looking around, I saw no one else capable of doing it...since I was alone. I set right to it, grabbing my first mound of clothes and heading to the laundry room. For those that tuned in late, here's how I handle laundry, and within minutes the first load is in.

I head up to the refridgerator and pull out the cups of pudding that have been taunting me for the last few days as they have now shriveled to the "crunchy on the outside" stage. A few dry heaves later and I've got the pudding out and down the garbage disposal. Unfortunately, the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, so there's one more thing I have to do, before I can put the pudding stained cups in for a cleansing. While I'm here, I clean the four pots and pans left in the sink and give the countertop a once over just for the hell of it.

Now, where's that vacuum? I haven't vacuumed the house in...well, I can't ever remember, but I know I had a vacuum that my older brother gave to me. After searching around, I locate it and start to vacuum up the catnip. Unfortunately, the vacuum isn't sucking and after a quick inspection I realize that the filter is clogged and needs to be cleaned. Luckily, I clean dirty filters for a living (hello, the name of the blog), so this challenge does not throw me off.

I pull out the cartridge and assume hosing it down like I do with pool filters would probably not be a good idea (and that's where the good ideas ended). I notice a bunch of dust and crap embedded in the fins and I begin tapping it in the basement bathroom waste basket. Whoa! Bad idea. Now, I have to quickly vacate the bathroom and the smoke screen I have created before I have myself sneezing until Thanksgiving (and here I figured it would be diarhea). I learned from my first attempt, so I take the cartridge up to the larger trash can in the kitchen to finish the job. Maybe, I should have taken it outside...but, at least I was making strides in the right direction. Now to finally start that vacuuming.

Once I turn the vacuum cleaner on, the dog and cat are going ape shit running all over the place like it was fucking Godzilla. By the way, the previews for the new King Kong look pretty sick. The running around is amusing to me, so I chase them both for a little bit before I complete the cleaning of the whole basement and living room carpet upstairs.

I change over the loads of laundry, fix myself a quesadilla, and it's on to the computer desk. Lucky for me I decided to do this, because as I'm organizing the papers, I find the Comcast bill, which is due today. Soon, I've made a bunch of piles and thrown away all the useless papers. I haven't kept my Quicken records up to date in three months, so I grab the credit card bills and bank statements and start entering the info. as my desk is becoming more and more visible.

An hour and a half later, everything is entered and my desk is functional once again. I'm sitting at my desk, so why not see how the internet porn has changed since this morning? Hell, I've earned it. Now, that's a productive Saturday.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Renewing My Dork Membership

With all the football I've been playing and watching lately, perhaps I have started to get away from my roots. The sporty jock thing is great and all, but deep down, I'm a huge dork. I've already mentioned that I went to a nerdy school and I went to see the Star Wars movie in a previous post. Plus, I'm writing this blog, so the dorkiness is still alive. However, it appeared as if my membership in the society of dorks was starting to drop to the levels of my membership in the religion of Judaism (I think I'm down to just Hannukah and Matzoh Ball soup now), so it needed a bigtime boost.

And what have we here...a new Harry Potter movie? The fourth installment...and I have seen and own the previous three. I wouldn't possibly go see it on opening day, would I? And I certainly wouldn't go to see it all by myself, would I? A Harry Potter movie on opening day, all by myself!!!!

I think I just extended my membership for 1 more year.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

A Weekend of Disappointment

Last weekend had the potential to be a very good weekend. We're not talking midgets on donkeys holding sparklers and parading through my neighborhood good, but when are we really?

The setups were all there:

Friday night, as I mentioned, I had my indoor football team pitted against the biggest bunch of jackasses in our semi-final matchup. We have never beaten them, but we had never beaten the cops (different story, bear with me) until that previous Sunday, so miracles can happen and this would be our moment to shine. And by shine, I mean lose embarrassingly, 12-31.

So Saturday morning, Davidson is playing Georgetown at Georgetown. These games usually bring alumni into town for some good old fashion liver punishing and inappropriate looks from all the stuckup Georgetown fans. This year, I even went so far as to attend the Davidson pre-game brunch. What did I get?

Brunch with four dorks, hearing about how one works with handicapped children (and of course, I can't laugh) and another is moving to Argentina...where the beef is "wonderful," perhaps "fabulous," or even "to die for." And the brunch food was bad to boot. "Should have stayed at a Holiday Inn" my ass.

Then, we get to the game, run out of Beam in the first half, and my buddy Ellis is the only one who gets shitfaced, because he's willing to drink second hand tequila from some old people sitting behind us. But Davidson did win, so it's not all bad.

So Saturday night rolls around, and Ike's engagement party is on the queue. I get home from the Davidson game, clean myself up, put on a nice button up "party" shirt, and some black slacks (trust me this is alot, I work with pools during the week and wear waffle shirts) and we head down to Cafe Matisse. I can now add "valet parking" to my list of things that scare the crap out of me, because as the random guy is driving away in my car, I just felt unsettled. And then I walk up the stairs, and everyone is wearing a sports coat. Thanks for the info., Ike! At least I stole the floral display, which is really brightening up the dining room.

An early departure, and its Sunday morning, and time for our second matchup in Outdoor Football with the other half of my team from last year, who started their own shitty squad. We tied them in our first game, but this time we spanked 'em to the tune of a shutout, and kept our playoff hopes alive. (I don't play offense in the outdoor game, so the puny 8 points we put up is not my fault)

Unfortunately, our hopes dropped very quickly as the aforementioned cops gave an old fashion Rodney King smackdown to the team we were hoping would win in the game immediately following ours. That's like giving a kid a lollipop and then kicking him in the nuts. Well, sort of. Now, we need one of the two worst teams in the league to beat either of those teams next week, along with us beating the best team in the league in order to make the playoffs. Guess I'll be getting my Sunday mornings back real soon.

And then the Redskins game...I won't even discuss it.

Following suit, I'm expecting to get a stomach virus just in time for Thanksgiving...with extra diarrhea, Amy's parents are coming into town.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Brain Farts 4

Well, I know I've been sparse on the posting, but I'm trying to bring you guys quality instead of quantity. Nah, I'm just lazy. And in that spirit of laziness, you're not even getting a full post, instead here is my fourth installment of brain farts...not as good as the real shit, but still funny.

  • Don't you think that people should have to pass some sort of written test in order to drive bigger cars and SUVs? Perhaps, the larger the car, the harder the test? And the test for women is harder than that for men, just to be on the safe side? And the test for Asian people is nearly impossible, just to be on the really safe side? I swear it took this one lady 10 minutes to pull her SUV into a parking spot at my work, and I just had to sit there and wait. And here's the ironic part...she was driving a "Navigator."
  • Does anyone else think, just for a second or two, that the new Mariah Carey song, "Shake You Off" might have something to do with shaking that last bit of pee out at the urinal? (Now, you'll never be able to listen to that song the same again. You're welcome.)
  • My girlfriend got the cat a collar with a bell on it, so now she looks AND sounds like a dog chew toy.
  • If you go to a Greek restaurant and order a gyro ("he-ro") and they call it a "jai-ro," is that a bad sign?
  • This isn't a funny one (were the others?), but tonight is the second and possibly championship rounds of my indoor football league. Unfortunately, the first game is against the team of fast, obnoxious players who were our only loss during the regular season. In preparation for the game, I did not shower yesterday and have not yet showered today. Try and cover that, bitches.

Davidson v. Georgetown at its finest. Have a good weekend, all.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

When Sports Go Wild

No wonder WWF (it's still WWF to me) hasn't been as popular as it was back when I was in college. Here's a few plots that would have seemed perfect for WWF programming:
  • One member of a tag team feels his partner isn't pulling his own weight. He begins to doubt their ability to win and blames the losing on his partner. Week after week, they make their rants to the cameras, eventually leading to one calling his partner a fag and ultimately dismantling the tag team forever.
  • Several high profile players are continuously destroying their competition, garnering belt after belt on their way to a sure stop in the WWF Hall of Fame. But wait, JR finds some B-12 shots in their lockers? When they are approached by Vince McMahon, they ademantly deny their use of any illegal substances and continue wrestling and winning championships...only to fail a random drug test right as their storied career is coming to an end?
  • Two female wrestlers begin to have a very close relationship. In a backstage scene, two other female wrestlers nearly pee their pants waiting to use the bathroom. When the first two wrestlers leave the bathroom together after some obvious hanky panky (can't you see King Lawler having a field day with this one), a brawl ensues.
  • Two wrestlers are in the midst of a match and tumble to the outside. A few fans get over zealous and spill a drink over the heel (that's wrestling lingo for the bad guy). He pounces on the fan, driving management to force him to sit out for several months as punishment. Upon his return, he shows no remorse and swears he will remain an uncontrollable animal.
  • The tag team troubled wrestler from the first plot joins up with the likes of a real fan favorite. They start out winning, but the same problems resurface and ultimately drive the two apart...perhaps to a one-on-one no holds barred competition.
  • Vince McMahon is certain the drop in ratings is due to the sloppy and hip-hop look of his wrestlers and feels that all wrestlers need to wear shirts and ties during all pre- and post-match interviews. The black wrestlers feel this is a racially motivated move, and a giant racial war breaks out throughout the entire WWF.

These would all be great WWF plots. Unfortunately, the "real" sports already took them all. I guess wrestling is gonna have to resort to fair competition and good sportsmanship now, so we have something different to watch.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Why I Should Move to Hollywood

Well, if the creation of the show "Joey" wasn't bad enough (my version would have been better)...Hollywood has gone and stolen another one of my ideas.

Not more than three weeks ago, Kupe, Kevin and I were discussing random shit when we came up with this winning joke, but really saw nowhere specifically that it could be used.

In reference to playing golf
Guy #1: Man, that guy is really bad at golf. What's his handicap?
Guy #2: Down syndrome

And then, I'm watching SNL last night and I see the previews for "My Name is Earl" and this exchange:

Some Guy: How many birdies did you hit?
Fat Guy: 12
Some Guy: That guy hit twelve birdies? What's his handicap?
Earl: Nothing, he's just a little slow.

Ridiculous. Again, my version would have been better.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Halloween Pics: Uh-Oh

This is when things just got ugly...are my eyes even open?? God bless Halloween...only 364 more days til the next one.

More Pics

You can also go check out some of the other pics from the night by going to Kupe's blog:

Not in Those Words...

Halloween Pics: Pooh

Halloween Pics: Woopie

Halloween Pics: Dirty Sanchez


Well, Halloween was this past weekend (well, technically it was yesterday, but who parties on a Monday?) and after 2 straight years going as a clown, a new costume was introduced. Not wanting to deal with all the face paint, my buddies Kupe, Ike and I decided to go as the MLB steroid violators (equipped with extra muscle shirts and syringes). We decided on Giambi (me), Palmeiro (Kupe) and McGwire (Ike) given our general appearances and the fact that we actually had some Yankees and O's stuff. Anyway, after attending a couple parties, we headed out into Adam's Morgan. And that's when the fun really begins.

I'm really too tired right now (stupid time change) to go into all the details, but I will give fair warning to anyone out there interested in dressing as a Yankee (or possibly a Red Sock) for Halloween. If you are not a fan of that particular team, you are in for a large amount of heckling and arguments regardless of whether you want it. I had a girl (Red Sox fan...of course) try to start a fight with me in the empanada place after she informed me that the Yankees sucked, and I informed her that if she wanted to go on rooting for the Red Sox, that she'd better plan on living to be 100 if she wanted to see them win another pennant. Then I stumbled on home...enjoying Julia's finest Saltenas Empanada. Hard to support a team that wins it all every 86 years.

Anyway, here's a couple pictures to follow of some of the highlights of the evening: