Mac Crappy

Two weeks ago, I ordered myself a new computer. Since college, I had been using the same Dell desktop and unfortunately it contracted a series of Trojan viruses a couple months back after my buddy Dave went to a website where you can download movies (real movies...even the ones still at the theater). I tried to fix it, but shit was getting slow and to be honest, using an 8-year old computer is like talking on the Zack Morris cell phone...time for something new.

I had heard that Macs couldn't get these types of viruses, and those commercials are just so darn trendy and clever. However, after thinking it over, I decided that this old computer gave me virtually no trouble, especially given the amount of porn and illegal music downloading I did, why switch to Mac? I went to Dell's site and grabbed myself a top of the line computer, with pretty much everything I could possibly need. My thinking is that the future is in streaming movies through my computer, so I wanted to be prepared...and I wanted to connect it to the monster LCD TV in my bedroom.

Yes, I know. There is now even less of a reason to ever leave my bedroom. All I need is a microwave and a refridgerator, and to teach Chloe to let herself out, and I'll go into hibernation each Winter. But I digress. The reason for this blog is not to go on about my new computer...it's to point out how thankful I am that I decided to stay with my PC.

So, here's where it starts: After updating her Mac laptop with Apple software a couple weeks ago, Danielle's computer has been slowly getting slower and slower, to the point where on Sunday she claimed it wouldn't even start. After calling Mac and getting talked through a process to bypass the startup and find the problem, she discovers that her computer is not reading her hard drive. And all of her files from all of her years of grad school are on that hard drive. And she didn't ever back them up. And she's freaking out.

Let me remind you. One Dell for me since college, lots of porn and music, no broken hard drive. Her laptop is only two years old, probably no porn (although that would be kinda cool), and a broken hard drive.

So, she decides to reserve a spot to see a "Genius" at the "Genius Bar" at the Apple store. Since she lives in College Park and there aren't any Apple stores near her, I volunteer to take her laptop in (without the pink carrying case) to the store at Montgomery Mall. She books a time of 5:20 PM for me to take it in, and I promptly arrive at the Apple Store right on time.

I've always looked into the Apple Store and seen mobs of people, wondering how so many people can possibly be buying new Macs and Ipods all the time. Now I know...they're not buying stuff, they're there to get their stuff fixed (how'd you like the use of all the forms of "there" in that sentence?).

After meeting a portly little imp of a girl who informed me that she had "checked me in" with the "Geniuses", I saw my name appear on a list on a screen amidst trendy Apple advertising. I was 4th on the list of 9. And that list was just for Macs. There was a second list of 8 for Ipods...and a crowd standing around the "Genius Bar".

I wish it was a bar, because apparently an appointment doesn't mean much to Apple. I stood there for over 30 minutes, waiting as the "Geniuses" plodded through each of the names before me, attempting to fix the computers right there, while I looked on. At one point, a 15-year old girl and her mother shuffled in and started asking questions about her iPod. The redneck mother didn't take kindly to the "check in" philosophy and said she just had a quick question.

So, what does the "Genius" do, he listens and tries to help. What the fuck?!! How about the rest of us that actually have "appointments?" I am shooting this country hillbilly and her anorexic daughter the "I'm gonna kill you and bury your dead carcasses under your own trailer" look during this whole exchange. They are unfazed.

Finally, this waiting ends, and at 6:05 PM, they call my name. I explain what's wrong with her computer and after checking it with his special genius devices, the lead singer of ZZ Top (that's what he looked like at least) told me the hard drive was still in tact but the computer had a problem. Danielle prepared for this by pre-buying a portable hard drive and I told him to just transfer all the files to the new hard drive before trying to fix anything.

That'll be another 30 minutes or so...you wanna wait or shop around and come back?

Uh, actually, I'm gonna go home and drink shots of bourbon to stop the voice in my head from telling me to strangle old Jesus Ferguson here.

And this, my friends, is why "I am PC."