Drunken Tales

Last night was the end of an era...an era of stupidity and excessive drinking in the storied bars of Washington, DC. Now, don't get panicked, I'm still gonna be going out and making a jackass out of myself, but for the first time in 6 years, my buddy Zack will no longer be a native of Washington DC when he joins us in the process of inebriation.

You see, Zack is moving to Philadelphia today to begin a new job, so last night required an extra bit of stupidity to send him off.

Enter Dan's Cafe.

Dan's is a true dive bar at the end of the main strip in Adam's Morgan. If you didn't know where it was, you likely would assume the building is either condemned or a strip joint. There are no windows, no real signage and when you walk inside, you know exactly why. At Dan's, when you order a mixed drink, you don't get "a mixed drink"...you get a bottle of the liquor you requested (they pour it into a glass now), a bucket of ice, a can of the mixer, and a glass. You can not pay with anything other than cash and the bartender looks like he just got out of prison. If you would like a shot, you basically get a syrup vase full of the liquor you wanted and shot glasses. Bluntly, if you wanna get shitty, Dan's will let you do that.

So we get to Dan's last night, after several games of NCAA Basketball '05 during pre-gaming, and are lucky enough to get an area at the end of the bar. We order up our first round of Capt. & Coke cans, and soak in the greatness that is Dan's. Surprisingly for such a dive, there are usually a decent number of good looking women to look at and occassionally talk to. This is where things get retarded.

Now, anyone that has gone out drinking with me will tell you that I can basically talk to anyone for an extended period of time. The key here is "can" as opposed to actually wanting to. Most of the time, I'm not really looking to engage in any conversations with girls. I have a girlfriend who lives with me, and I'm not trying to make my life any more stressful by sneaking around. But that doesn't mean I can't talk. And with talking at a bar, comes the fun of making shit up.

I don't know these people, I'm never going to see them again, so why not be a Bowie Baysox minor league shortstop or a Playboy photographer (Zack's gotten to use this one before) or even the less exotic construction worker or school bus driver. I feel each one is it's own great adventure, and some times I really get into the character. It keeps me entertained. Actually, the whole pool guy thing has its own fun, feel free to use it in the future...you've got some of the stories right here.

Though I have pulled this shit many times in the past, I had never claimed to be anything related to the Military. This is for two reasons: 1) I have respect for these people and to impersonate being them is somewhat disrespectful to what they have gone through, especially now & 2) There tend to be military people out in the bars and if they caught me in a lie, I'm pretty sure they'd beat my ass

However, last night, I got pulled into a military hook by my friend Skeeter and even when I told the girls that I wasn't in the military, they still didn't believe me. Again, this is against my better judgment and I mean no disrespect to the men who are serving our country and dying every day... but if these girls are that dumb, let the games begin. (I'm going to hell)

So, here's how my story goes: I'm out of the military now, did my time in Iraq on morque duty, "You know, baggin and taggin" I didn't see much direct action, most of the time I'm just going in after something has occurred and moved on, to grab the bodies of anyone left behind, with a separate unit.

Scared? Yeah, it's scary. You're hearing gunshots going off all the time. You never know where. But you just have to deal with it. I'd really prefer we not talk about it much. I had to do my time, it paid for my way through school and now I'm back on team Civilian.

What do I do now? Back to reality...a beautiful seque and we appear to be home free. Focus on the true stuff more, and it sells the lies. (I'm such a dick.)

This went on for a bit longer, but all in all a pretty good lie, based on the truths of one of my co-workers. Another key to a good lie...if you know someone who does something, retell their stories and you're set. (Truly, going to hell)

Nothing came of the discussions, but my friends were enjoying the show. Eventually the girls left, so that I could yell at Skeeter for making me pull that shit.

But I can't deny, it's always fun...and this was my highlight that I'll leave you with:

Girl: So, did it like mess with your mind or anything? I have a friend who cuts himself now that he's back.

Me: Nah, nah. I don't feel any different. I've got the memories, but I'm here now. It's over for me.

Girl: So, what are you guys doing tonight?

Me: I'll probably just keep drinking until I'm blind. (where do I come up with this shit?)