Tuesday, June 21, 2005


So, I've been slacking a bit on the blogs lately, not that I haven't had any good material...just the lack of time to put it out for everyone's enjoyment. With all that has gone on since my last blog, it is tough to choose what to bring you up on. Wait, no it isn't. Let me begin.

Saturday night, Amy's company was having a party on a Harbor Cruise ship in Baltimore, so we made the hike up. We were running a bit late because Amy gets off work at 5 PM, then she needs to get home and get ready, as do I because I had to work and was too lazy to shower right when I got home, and we need to be in Baltimore by 6:30 PM. I made it to the Harbor from Rockville and parked in 30 minutes, which I believe was an all time high for me...liking the G35. So, we get there and get our tickets to the Cruise ship with plenty of time to spare. All is good.

Now let me give you the lineup of co-workers that we have enjoying the festivities tonight:
1) The flamingly gay co-worker and his special friend who has been enjoying the gay pride parade, which has apparently moved north this weekend.
2) The older but still thinks she's hip manager, with a slight drinking problem and matching husband with exceptionally bad comb-over
3) The flamboyant black guy who is wearing a bright orange shirt and will later have a "You got served" dance-off battle with 5 little girls (I know, you can't make this stuff up)
4) And the owner's neice who is quite frankly the closest I've come to actually meeting a porn star.

Now, I could bore you with stories about the first three characters, but I feel I've grown to know my audience, and I'll just skip right to the Porn Star herself.

I met Kara at Amy's company's Christmas party. It was then that I was informed...by her...that she has fake boobs (trust me, she didn't need to inform me of this fact) and does Hawaiian Tropic modelling when she isn't working at the bathroom tile place her uncle owns. So, as you can imagine, she doesn't like to hide her body too much. Needless to say, Amy does not like me talking with her, and within five minutes of our arrival for the cruise, I was given this speech:

"If you flirt with Kara tonight, we are through. I am not kidding, I will leave you if you are flirting with that skank." For the record, I did not flirt with her at the Christmas party...I merely talked with her. Her boyfriend was at the table too.

Now, what would give Amy such a low opinion of this fine woman? Well, outside of the fact that at the Christmas party, she threw a glass of wine on another girl (over her shoulder, no less) because the other girl was giving her friend a bad look for spilling a drop of her drink onto the girl earlier.

So, we were given the impression that the cruise was a higher class event, so most everyone is dressed in nice stuff from our group. However, most of the other people on the boat are not. So within moments, Kara has excused herself from the table and returns later, now wearing low rise jeans and high rise pink underwear (thong, of course). Did I mention there are children on the ship...that will later be in a dance-off?

Well, apparently Kara realized this too and was decent enough to hide her underwear from showing...by taking them off and carrying them around the rest of the night. (I know, you can't make this stuff up)

So, we make it through the whole 3-hour cruise and thankfully Kara did not attempted to dry hump a 50-year old man on the dance floor. Woops, scratch that. Well, at least she didn't serve 5 small black girls who were just trying to enjoy a night out with their families. Oh, they got served.

Everyone is heading home, but a few of us decide we want to stay around in Baltimore since it's still early (10 PM). Not knowing Baltimore too much, we decide to go to ESPN Zone. Obviously, I want to play the football toss game, because well, it's my favorite...do I need more of a reason. Usually, I'm pretty good at it, but apparently 7 Captain & Cokes and a beer will affect your throwing ability, as one of Amy's co-workers beats me in the first game. I am drunk and appalled and demand a rematch.

It is at this point that the most ridiculous act of Porn Star greatness surfaces. Standing in line for my rematch, Kara asks me,

"So, are you gonna win this time or are you going to .... [makes a two-handed, full facial expression blow job re-enactment]?"

OK, now I see why Amy didn't want me to talk to her.

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