Last night, after having dinner with my girlfriend, her co-worker and her co-worker's boyfriend, we headed over to Champions Billiards in Rockville to catch the end of the UNC-MSU game and play some pool. I had already had two margaritas with dinner, and I was driving, so I decided to take it slow on the drinking. I only ordered one beer and nursed it through two games, followed it up with a coke and two waters...so I'm good. Thankfully, for once, I was conscious of my need to not drink and drive.
Why, you ask? Aren't you the guy who drove home from Capital Hill at 4 AM and puked at one of the park pull-offs along GW Parkway. Yes. Aren't you the guy who sculpted a bowl out of newspapers on the metro, puked in it, and threw it on the floor. Yes. Aren't you the guy who got a DWI on your 18th birthday and had to take 6 weeks of rehab classes and AA? Ok, we get the point.
Here's why. Because I have a giant target on my back just calling for cops to pull me over. Well, it's not actually my back, it's the back of my car. That's where my temp tags are still sitting, though they expired on March 29th.
VOB Nissan, the place where I got the car, called me a month ago to say that they could not find the title that my brother (whom I bought the car from through them) was supposed to have turned into them. I swore he had done so, and the guy assured me that he would simply order a new title if he couldn't find it, and there would be no problem with my tags. HE LIED.
Apparently, he filed my paperwork right up his ass for safekeeping for the last month, because when I called them on the 29th to say, "WTF?" The whole place was clueless.
So what are you going to do about this? Give me another temp tag? No, that's illegal in Maryland. What they can do is give me a note from their manager like a tardy kid in 5th grade, in case I get pulled over. In case I get pulled over? And how long will I have to carry my tardy note? Ridiculous.
So luckily, they faxed me my tardy note on Thursday, I diligently (for once) put it in my glove box, which leads me to last night:
Three drinks in me, walking out of Champions, and who should be patrolling the parking lot but one of Montgomery County's finest. I see him stop in back of my car, then drive on, then circle back, then look at the front of my car. I'm in the car by now, sure he's going to pull me over and haul my ass off to jail (we're not quite at my DWI 10 year anniversary, and I'm not really looking to get shackled next to a guy they're hastling about a box his mother gave to him that they believe he stored his weed in again. Oh, and he was there for aggravated assault. True story)
So I decide not to turn on the ignition. I've heard stories about cops waiting til someone turns the key, then pulling them out for a field test and off to jail. Then I'm like, fuck it. Three drinks? I'm fine. Best I've been, and I know why he'll stop me and have a note explaining it. What the hell. I turn the key and start going. I get to the exit, and what do you know, the cop is now right behind me instead of circling the parking lot. A quick left onto Executive Blvd and on come the lights in my rearview. FUCK!! STUPID FUCKING VOB!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!
Cop rolls up to the window, and right to the "driver's license please." I hand him the goods and I'm quick with my own, "Is this about the tags?" (read: not the fact that I just left a bar and smell like Tequila and beer)
"Yeah, you know they're expired"
"Yeah, and I have this note from my mom...err, the manager at the car dealership."
He examined the note, said, "you know you're going to get pulled over again."
In my head I'm saying, "FUCKING VOB. FUCKING VOB. FUCKING VOB."
and he finishes with, "but you're free to go."
SWEET!! (STILL, FUCKING VOB. FUCKING VOB.)
I take off, make it home and all is good. But I'm sure the cop is right, I will be pulled over again. I'm a fugitive now, always having to look over my shoulder. Always wondering if the Man is gonna spot me now. I need some theme music.
I guess I also need to take all the bags of coke, bongs, and unregistered guns out of my backseat. Thanks VOB Nissan of Rockville. Fuck you very much.