Saturday, August 06, 2005

Just Shoot Me

So, it's Saturday, I feel like I'm hungover though I didn't even go out drinking last night and all I've done today is win the Heisman (NCAA '06) and sleep for about 4 hours. Honestly, I think my body just wants to shut down to avoid all the crap that is going on around this place.

Over the last two weeks, my home sweet home has turned into a freakin' China store. The computer is my only sanctuary, as my girlfriend is afraid to touch it for fear of typing one letter on the website bar above and having a filthy porn site pop up as Internet Explorer tries to help her save time. (Always nice when her computer breaks and a simple trip to hotmail brings up hotteens.com/skankyanalsluts/yourboyfriendissick.html after she types the letter "h" on mine).

So yesterday is the kicker. I come home from work only to find the normal smell of dog urine and gym sweat gone, replaced by strong detergents and a floral blend. My dog is locked in the upstairs by her dog gate and she stares at me from the landing, the obvious fear in her eyes as well.

I'm rattled as I stagger past the living room where the rug is now sitting on a plastic drop cloth, apparently still wet from its washing this afternoon. TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!!! I can remember times going to my friend Alan Kim's house back in elementary school when if you walked like five feet without taking your shoes off, you'd swear his mother's head would explode and Lo Mein would shoot everywhere like a giant China Pinata. Amy seemed close to that level today.

My shoes are off now, and I've just been instructed that I shouldn't go into the basement for four days because the carpet is still wet and will need time to dry. Well, I can go, but I should probably take off my socks too because they'll get soaking wet with each step down the stairs and across my TV room. BTW, all my shit has been taken out of the TV room and the couch is sitting on pieces of styrofoam. What the fuck?

Guess I'll go upstairs then. Amy has been home all day since she doesn't work on Fridays and apparently she's been up to some work, as I put my hand on the railing at the top of the stairs and it sticks. What the?????!!!! DON'T TOUCH THE RAILING!!! There is a nice coat of Polyeurethane on the railing that I guess she painted on a few hours prior and I just put my hand on it. Swell. At least it didn't smear or I'd be hearing it for sure.

Now the walk to the computer room is even more precarious, as the walkway is obstructed by a two foot wide ladder in a three foot wide walkway that has a painted railing at the top of it. At least the slippery plastic drop cloth is gone thanks to Chloe peeing on it or I don't think I'd be brave enough to walk past. I've already stubbed my toe four times on that stupid ladder, which is there while Amy works on a painting project for the hallway wall...which is like 20 feet tall.

As I get to the end of the hallway, I walk past the spare room. Chloe is watching me like a hawk and darts for the door, thinking I'm heading that way. You see, it has now become Wild Kingdom in my house, as a small gray kitten arrived on Thursday evening. I don't really no where to begin with this kitten, suffice to say kittens are not like dogs, and I like dogs. Perhaps I'll give you a full rundown of this little hellspawn with no name at a later point, but it now resides in the spare room and has Chloe on alert at all times.

It also has Chloe now thinking it's OK to jump on my bed, for some unknown reason. I really can't understand the dog psyche, but apparently when things are shaken up around the house, the best thing to do is break all your known rules in hopes that the head of the pack (Me) is so overrun with disorientation that you can get away with them and establish your own new rules.

Again, the dog is smarter than I, as today I just didn't feel like fighting with her any longer as I tried to take my nap, and let her snooze with me. Just for some piece and quiet. In fact, the cat hasn't made it's sounds in a while...wonder if it's still alive. Guess I should go check on her...which will involve greco-roman wrestling with Chloe first to gain permission to enter the room she can't go into. Sweet.

Someone shoot me.

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