Monday, May 09, 2005

The Bender

You're probably starting to read this one, thinking, "I wonder what drinking escapade the J man is going to talk about in this one." Sadly you are mistaken...because, though you apparently have grown to understand my lifestyle very well, this story is about another client of mine, "The Bender."

You see, I call her "The Bender" because she has the uncanny desire to constantly bend over. She's been a client of ours for over four years now and I have visited her house on many occassions. In most instances she is outside doing some unnecessary yard work, all the while plotting her next reason to bend over.

It's nothing sexual, at least from my standpoint, because quite frankly the Bender looks more like Jake Johannsen than Scarlett Johansson. Actually, I won't do her that much injustice, but she's just older (late 40's) and looks like she used to drive a big rig truck in her hayday. Today I visited her house to redo some plumbing (insert your own stupid joke now) which had a drip leak.

Having been to her house and knowing the expectations, I took it upon myself to count the number of bends on this service call. At first, things started slow...perhaps she's gotten wise to my amusement. On one occassion three or so years ago, my old roommate Rick came to work with me one day and we had to open her pool. I kid you not, she hit him in the face with her ass. Too difficult to explain, though I about near soiled myself.

But then she came with a flurry of bends that neither I nor my helper for the day could ignore. She must have done the equivalent of 30 sit ups in a period of 3 minutes, reaching for the tile line, expansion caulk, skimmer lid, remote buttons. Do they all need to be touched in rapid succession??? Are her knees unable to bend?? Please god, keep her boobs inside her spandex shirt.

When all was said and done, I counted 48 bends, one of which was completely unwarranted. There was literally nothing around. I think she was picking up a blade of grass, while in mid-conversation with me.

Perhaps she has some rare disease, like taurets that only affects her stomach muscles, forcing her to bend down for no apparent reason. Nonetheless, her antics are amusing to me, much like retarded people and midgets. And that's what keeps me going.

God bless, The Bender, may she always think someone wants to look at her ass.

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