Tuesday, July 22, 2008

J-Man: Professional Dumpee

So, for those of you that haven't heard, I am once again single. And in my typical fashion, I will choose to deal with the loss in the manner I most often fall back on...humor. You see with this most current breakup, I have now raised my number of times being dumped in a year up to a whopping three for 2008. This has greatly surpassed my previous annual high of one from 1999, and I would assume that this would likely put me at the professional level of being dumped...or shall I say, I am now a professional dumpee.

Some people aren't even lucky enough to have attained three girlfriends (I'm talking at least 10+ dates and intimate knowledge here) in a year, while I have not only achieved this feat, I have been discarded by each of them, and we're just past the Major League All-Star Break. You had to expect it was gonna be a bad year when I got dumped on New Years Day.

Perhaps, now that I've reach 30 years old, I no longer follow along with my past theory that women prefer to date a man that they can change. You see, when you're younger, you're still a work in progress, there's hope you can be molded (right, Amy...I know you still read this ;o) ) but perhaps at 30, I am viewed as a finished piece. And I would imagine I'm a bit more like a Dali than a Rembrandt at this point, and thus all the dumping.

Ha, ha, ha. Funny stuff...but actually, it sucks.

So as your internet blog guru, I feel it only my civic duty as a comedic writer of what passes my mind, to enlighten each of you to some of the warning signs that you're about to get dumped:

Change in the Status Quo
This one is a relatively easy one to pick up, and is usually the first sign indicator. Let's say, you and your girlfriend instant message each other each night, since she moved away and you're trying a long distance relationship. (This is purely hypothetical, of course) Then all of a sudden, you notice she's not online as often. While these facts may be completely innocent in their presence, the underlying problem is starting to bloom. You leave a message on the phone and don't hear back the same day like you used to. Saturday was always date night, but suddenly, other things pop up.

You're probably sitting there at your computer, and you're like...oh crap, J-Man, I too have seen these changes occurring. What shall I do?

And the answer is simple: Start doing weird shit. The status quo is a sense of routine, it's frightening to the other person, they are falling into a duldrom and are lulled into a sense of uneasiness as a result...so here's a few suggestions. Call them on a random night, when they answer, say hello, then say...woops, gotta go take a dump. Hang up and don't call them back. Or, while you're out at dinner, finish your meal very quickly and when you're done, grab their plate and throw it on the floor, stomp on it, and declare yourself the winner while dancing and calling them names. Or lastly, go onto their myspace or facebook (everyone's got this stuff now) and post comments like, "I am gonna chew your ankles tonight" or "Don't forget the mustard."

You see, the confusion and spontaneity of these actions will keep them guessing, the status quo will disappear, and without a pattern to break, the relationship will continue.

The Big Event
It goes without saying, that if a big event is coming up: New Years, Valentine's Day, a big party, night at the theater, you better be on guard. There's something about a large planned event that brings on the breakup bug. Having used this technique myself, it's sort of like, I don't want to ruin this event for them, so I won't say anything about the relationship beforehand. Then, once it's over...it's over. Tale as old as time. It seems, while Hallmark is cashing in on making all these extra worthless holidays, they should really hone in on that last market, the day after holiday sympathy cards for the newly single.

You're probably sitting there at your computer, and you're like...oh crap, J-Man, I got dumped the day after Labor Day. And my sister got dumped right after Martin Luther King Day. What the F? How can we stop this madness?

And the answer is simple: Make up your own Holidays. Everyone needs a Holiday. It's a way to relax and give yourself a break from your normal life...but why should I follow the Holidays set up by Hallmark, or Jesus, or George Washington? Make up your own Holidays. And don't tell your girlfriend/boyfriend when they're coming up. Just wake up one morning and be like...hey Honey, it's Skinned My Knee Day...I honor it to remember one of the days I skinned my knee as a kid (gotta encompass a bunch of days). We need to eat only bacon today and ride a bike everywhere. YEEEAAAHHH!!! If she tries to pull it again the following year, tell her it's only celebrated every other year, years ending in 8, etc. and shake your head in disgust for her not understanding the true meaning of Skinned My Knee Day.

But wait, J-Man, what about the most hallowed of all days...the anniversary? Aren't women always saying they should be treated like every day is their anniversary. Well, turn that shit around on them. Celebrate your anniversary on random days...not only does it eliminate this problem, it'll probably get you laid. Which leads me to the worst of all tell-tale signs you're gonna get dumped.

Kinky Sex
This one I just read about or something...not speaking from experience. But if you just had some crazy, kinky sex...I'm talking massages, bowtied lingerie, body oil, weird vibrating instruments, spanking, anal, or for the prudes...missionary...with the lights ON, you better enjoy it while you can, because you might be playing in the one man orchestra for a while...and you're sitting first chair on the pipe organ.

Perhaps it's a guilt thing, where a woman wants to do something special to hide the fact that they're about to end the relationship, or perhaps they'll do the crazy stuff because they know they'll never see you again. Or maybe they realize they're ending the relationship and won't be getting any for a while, so they act like a squirrel, storing away nuts (pun completely intended) for the long Winter. In either case, it's the most vicious of all backslaps. The calm before the storm. The hot bath before the cold shower. The eye before the tiger.

You're probably sitting there at your computer, and you're like...oh crap, J-Man, I too got dumped after a night of sex so hard, it hurt to pee. What can I do to stop this from happening?

And the answer is simple...stop it??? Are you on crack? Did you just read what I wrote...massages...bow-tied lingerie...body oil...weird vibrating shit...paddling...back door shenanigans...mormons with the lights on!!! Sometimes, you can't stop the inevitable. If she wants to go and she's gonna give you a parting gift of cash and prizes...you take that loot. Yeah, you didn't get to spin the big wheel and compete on the showcase showdown, but you got to come on...down.

Wow...this was probably one of my most offensive blogs to date...no wonder I don't have a girlfriend.

1 comment:

Heltzooor said...

dear lord. you should come to Wildwood, NJ this weekend...