J-Man goes to the Gym?

As I mentioned several weeks back, my brother got me to join Gold's Gym back in January and after a couple visits, I became deathly ill with the shits and such. The shitting has obviously subsided and I have regained my strength, so it was time to make some use out of the $30 I'll be forking over each month.

I've never been a big fan of gyms because I've always gotten the impression that it's just a place for dudes to try and prove who has the bigger wang, by strutting around in tank tops and weight belts, while striking a pose for all the ladies who are straddling the stationary bikes trying to peddle off the cottage cheese thighs they've developed since they landed that desk job. And then I thought, there can be no better place for comedy, and I'll keep myself in shape at the same time...what the hell.

So, last Wednesday, I began my first week of going to the gym, and though I don't feel any stronger at this point, the classic moments will continue to pile on like layers of muscle in my mind.

The first classic moment involved a guy, who I will call "Constipation Face." Now, old C-Face is up by the dumbbells doing your basic standing curl to work on the beach muscles. This is my shoulder workout day, so sadly I could not join C-Face in his routine, but I think I will add it to my repertoire for future visits. The key to his workout is to stand about 2 feet from the mirror, and really give yourself a solid stare down...you gotta psyche that guy out. Then, with a tremendous groan, you have to heave that dumbbell up while simultaneously giving yourself a "I could just as easily be sitting on the toilet" face contortion. I am well versed in this artform from the various times that I visit any friends or family that happen to have a mirror directly in front of the toilet. Yes, it's a bit odd at first, but after a while it's almost like watching an episode of Flavor of Love. I've only seen C-Face that one time, so hopefully he didn't give himself irreparable hemmoroidal flair up. I'll say a prayer for him.

A second moment came just two days ago, when I ended up going to the gym by myself and forgot my iPod. The music in the gym is usually good, but for some reason it was crappy that day, so I figured I'd just see what other people were up to. Luckily, there were two 5'6" Asian juicers working out next to me, so obviously something entertaining was bound to happen. And that's when they brought to me a new catch phrase, which I have been abusing for the last few days: "Good set!" They must have said it every 5 minutes and it was always accompanied with a head nod and a look around to see if anyone else noticed the 110 lb. dumbbells they were tossing up. Sadly, there were no women around, and therefore I began feeling increasingly awkward, and quickly moved onto a different exercise in a different area. I was done anyway...good set!

The comedy continued as I finished up my workout and heading back to my locker to change one day. I had been watching the USA-Latvia (or some shit) hockey game while I worked out on the nordic machine, and it had pretty much been 1-0 for the whole time I was watching. After grabbing a drink of water and sitting down by my locker, I heard the announcer for the game over the speakers in the locker room say that Latvia had scored again, and now lead 2-1?!! What?! I was pretty baffled, so I turned to the kid down the way from me and asked if Latvia had just scored two goals in like the last 2 minutes. He confirmed this debacle and I went back to changing while listening to the announcer. A few seconds later, another shot was taken and the announcer made it sound like a third goal, so I turned to the same guy and yelled, "what the hell..."

But something was different with the scene this time. Something terribly different. Something new had entered my field of vision. Yes, the same kid was there, but directly behind him (I'm talking 2 feet max.) stood an old naked man. How in the hell did this guy get over there and naked so quickly....and why is he standing so close to this other guy? I nearly bust out laughing and quickly turn back to my clothes to finish up. I knew this was common place, but it is still humorous to me because we are constantly joking about all the naked old men that our technicians run into at work, who are swimming when we arrive. Old men just enjoy being naked I guess. And this guy was out to prove it. Because I got dressed, got up and went over to the sink; washed my hands and fixed my hair, and this dude was still naked. But now he had moved to the center of the room and was looking at himself in the mirror. Dead center, for all to see. Classic old guy move. Classic gym move.

He didn't need the tank top and weight belt. He just whipped it out. Now, that's old school.