I think it's been about 2 months since I put up a Top 10 List, and it probably would have been another two months if not for Kupe putting up one on his blog. So, with the Super Bowl just around the corner and the strong possibility that I'm going to receive the forwarded email about the amount of guacamole consumed by the US on Super Bowl Sunday, I bring to you my stupidest list yet:
The Top 10 Foods I Really Don't Eat Often Enough
10. Cheetohs - These things are so damned good, but I guess the fear of Cheetoh fingers keeps me from picking them up more often
9. Jambalaya - It's even nice to say it, but I can't even remember the last time I had some.
8. Chicken Pot Pie - I remember this being on the Elementary School lunch menu about once every two weeks, now it's never on my menu. I mean, it's pie and it's a meal...why do I not eat it more.
7. Ginger Ale - Well, it's not actually a food, but when was the last time you got a Ginger Ale? And why don't they offer it at any restaurants?
6. Croissants - I would have to say that this may be the only food that I would consider to be "feminine" and perhaps that's why I never seem to get it at the grocery store.
5. Celeste Pizza - These things are only $1 each and yet I am still not eating them?!
4. Apple Sauce - Man, this stuff is great. I used to eat a whole bowl of it at a time when I was a kid, and with Potato Latkes around Hannukah. Maybe I stopped eating it because it resembles baby food?
3. Popcicles - I eat a good bit of ice cream, but I always seem to steer clear of your run of the mill popcicles. Hell, I don't even eat the one's with the cream middle any more. Do they still make them?
2. Salami - My grandma is probably turning over in her grave. I don't think I've had a salami on rye in like 8 months...and it's arguably one of the easiest sandwiches to make.
1. English Muffins - With all those nooks and crannies. It's quite possibly the best dough product out there and I can't even remember the last time I had one. I am going to the store right now and making myself an English Muffin for dinner. Come on, Thomas! Get your act together and start promoting your god damned muffins again before these Eggo bastards take over breakfast for good!
And you are all dumber for having read this.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Pool & Spa Show 2006
The reason for the lack of posts during the week last week was that I was in Atlantic City for the 2006 Pool & Spa Show. Every year, there are shows put on by the Pool industry in several different areas around the US. There's one in Atlantic City every year, as well as Orlando (which I went to once) and Las Vegas, among others. Since it's only a three hour drive and I have a gambling problem to begin with, I'm pretty much a regular at these conventions now. Let me give you a quick recap of the week's activities:
MONDAY
Everyone comes into work and we take care of the week's known jobs so that we only have to worry about emergency call-ins while we're gone. All but one of my technicians is coming to the show this year, so he's just on call for the week while we're in AC. Around 1 PM, we all take off, in three separate cars to accommodate the 8 people going.
Three hours later and we're there. As we walk into the Tropicana, we are confronted by the largest lines I have ever seen in AC. Uhh, it's a Monday...in January...fucking pool guys. After trudging through the line for more than 1/2 hour, we make it to front desk and try to get our rooms. Here's where it gets a little weird. We reserved five rooms over two months ago, and when I give them my name, she finds me in their system but they don't have any rooms left. What?! It felt like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry can't get a rental car: They have no problem "taking the reservation," the problem seems to be that they don't know how to "hold the reservation," and really that's the most important part. Luckily, the manager comes over and they free us up a couple of suites, but two of the rooms only have one king bed and two guys sharing it, so they offer to bring up a cot. That sucks...for them. I have my own room, so I'm sitting pretty with my nice couch and refridgerator. Problem avoided, on to the gambling. Ended this night up $180.
TUESDAY
We have to wake up at the crack of dawn to make it over to the Convention Center for our technical seminar on Electricity. As is always the case, there are plenty of mustaches and apparently unshowered individuals joining us on this excursion, though there was a suprisingly low number of mullets (only 2, though one was a Spanish guy, therefore changing the pronunciation to Mu-yet, given the "ll"). After pissing off a line of 25 people waiting for coffee and danishes by walking right up to the danishes (I ain't waiting in line when I don't want coffee), we headed into the classroom. Not much really to say about this, though now I know the relationship between Volts, Amps, Ohms, and Watts, which should really prove useful even though they're always written on everything you get anyway, but I disgress.
It's lunchtime and nothing says Atlantic City better than Hooters. The waitress is decently hot (has anyone else noticed a dramatic decrease in the quality of women working at Hooters? I guess the alternative of setting up your own internet porn site and working from home is much more attractive, but come on?!) and the wings are bound to give me some impressive diarrhea...though nothing will ever compare to my bout two weeks ago. After our lunch, it's back to the Convention Center for the trade show.
This part is the reason to come to the show. It's a giant arena full of all the pool & spa vendors and the sheer comedy of some of the things you see going on here is amazing. Let me just give you the highlights:
MONDAY
Everyone comes into work and we take care of the week's known jobs so that we only have to worry about emergency call-ins while we're gone. All but one of my technicians is coming to the show this year, so he's just on call for the week while we're in AC. Around 1 PM, we all take off, in three separate cars to accommodate the 8 people going.
Three hours later and we're there. As we walk into the Tropicana, we are confronted by the largest lines I have ever seen in AC. Uhh, it's a Monday...in January...fucking pool guys. After trudging through the line for more than 1/2 hour, we make it to front desk and try to get our rooms. Here's where it gets a little weird. We reserved five rooms over two months ago, and when I give them my name, she finds me in their system but they don't have any rooms left. What?! It felt like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry can't get a rental car: They have no problem "taking the reservation," the problem seems to be that they don't know how to "hold the reservation," and really that's the most important part. Luckily, the manager comes over and they free us up a couple of suites, but two of the rooms only have one king bed and two guys sharing it, so they offer to bring up a cot. That sucks...for them. I have my own room, so I'm sitting pretty with my nice couch and refridgerator. Problem avoided, on to the gambling. Ended this night up $180.
TUESDAY
We have to wake up at the crack of dawn to make it over to the Convention Center for our technical seminar on Electricity. As is always the case, there are plenty of mustaches and apparently unshowered individuals joining us on this excursion, though there was a suprisingly low number of mullets (only 2, though one was a Spanish guy, therefore changing the pronunciation to Mu-yet, given the "ll"). After pissing off a line of 25 people waiting for coffee and danishes by walking right up to the danishes (I ain't waiting in line when I don't want coffee), we headed into the classroom. Not much really to say about this, though now I know the relationship between Volts, Amps, Ohms, and Watts, which should really prove useful even though they're always written on everything you get anyway, but I disgress.
It's lunchtime and nothing says Atlantic City better than Hooters. The waitress is decently hot (has anyone else noticed a dramatic decrease in the quality of women working at Hooters? I guess the alternative of setting up your own internet porn site and working from home is much more attractive, but come on?!) and the wings are bound to give me some impressive diarrhea...though nothing will ever compare to my bout two weeks ago. After our lunch, it's back to the Convention Center for the trade show.
This part is the reason to come to the show. It's a giant arena full of all the pool & spa vendors and the sheer comedy of some of the things you see going on here is amazing. Let me just give you the highlights:
- Pool star Jeannette "the Black Widow" Lee is there promoting a billiards company (you see swimming pool guys sometimes sell billiards pool stuff to help keep them busy in the Winter) and is allowing over confident rednecks to challenge her in pool, and then bitchslapping them, most of the time not even allowing them to take a shot. Two of my employees got a picture with her, which was nice.
- The largest crowd was not around any of the vendors, but rather the beer line. Class. A whole lot of class.
- One pool guy was walking around wearing a tank top, with a completely shaven bald head, and ridiculously jacked muscles. What's the name of his company..."World's Strongest Pool Service." Wow. Not much else I can say there. Wow.
- At the end of each day of the show, they give away door prizes. This year's prizes included iPods, Laptop Computers, Tivo, and the grand prize...a giant Plasma TV. However, in addition to these prizes, some of the vendors contribute items such as 300 waterbags, 4 cases of a chemical no one uses, and a vinyl liner. Not surprisingly, all of these busch league gifts required several names to be called before some poor schmuck actually went up to claim them. People even started heckling the announcer, yelling, "Nobody wants that crap!" You can really only find this type of quality jeering at the Pool & Spa show
So, we finish up here and head back to the casino for some more Blackjack. Sadly, I sat at the table for 7 hours straight, got comped 2 free meals, and walked away at 3 AM up $700.
WEDNESDAY
I probably shouldn't have even gone to sleep as I roll out of bed at 7 AM to make it to the second day of classes. This technical seminar is on Underground Pressure Testing and thankfully it's only 3 hours long. The Hooters wings are now trying to escape and I oblige them when I get back to the hotel room, then I take a nice nap before heading down for lunch. Sadly, we can not decide on any place in particular and once again end up at Hooters (yeah, we have issues). Today, however, several of my employees are taking advantage of the fact that there will be no classes the next day, so they begin to drink like fish. Three pitchers done, and it's only 1:30 pm...on to the tables.
Today's gambling isn't going as well, as there are two Russian ladies who are absolutely clueless sitting at the table. Everyone of us sitting with them is completely disgusted, but no one will throw out the typical sighs and groans to make them feel uncomfortable. It's probably because they both had really big boobs. I mean, who wants to intentionally drive that away...even though we're losing money. Penis=1 Brain=0
We sit there for a couple hours, before I need to head out, thankfully I've pulled out a winner, leaving AC with a net total of $820. Solid work. Solid show.
Only 361 days til I can do it all over again.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Sweet Best Buy
I'm sitting at home last Saturday, killing time doing absolutely nothing and surfing the internet. So I'm on the Best Buy website looking to see what new DVD releases are coming out so I can put them on my Blockbuster Online queue, when I see an add for TV sales. The deal they're offering is 0% financing on all TV purchases above $999 until 2009. Yeah, that's not a typo, 2009!! Well, I've been interested in getting myself a Plasma or LCD television since my brother and my buddy Mike got one a while back, but the cost has always sort of kept me at bay. But, Christ, if I've got no interest being added on for 3 years, I can buy a pretty damned good TV for $60 a month. I can handle that.
Yeah, yeah. I know. Sucked in by the marketing...but why not. So Saturday night, I drive myself over to the Best Buy in Germantown (it's bigger and nicer than the ones in Rockville and Gaithersburg...plus I can't deal with the parking situations at both those places) and get a crash course on plasma vs. LCD. For those of you who are not versed in the differences, here's the key points I took from the discussions. Plasma TVs are a better picture but are only available in big sizes and generate a lot of heat. Plus, they may require some maintenance to the bulbs? after a couple years. Cost wise they're about the same.
Since I was originally planning to put it in my living room, I was stuck with a TV no bigger than 32", which pretty much took plasmas out of the equation, so my shopping experience was cut in half right off the bat. So, I proceeded to do what any normal TV shopping male would do when confronted with this dilemma. I stood in front of about 10 different LCD TVs for about 20 minutes watching white water canoeing and highlights of last year's Super Bowl. I'm pretty sure I came in my pants twice as they panned to the crowd and I could make out the faces of every screaming fan.
When all was said and done, I went with the best one they had, which was a Sony 26" (Amy talked me down from 32" and out of putting it in the living room) so it now sits beautifully in my bedroom, allowing me the luxury of crystal clear movies as I fall asleep.
Sweet.
Yeah, yeah. I know. Sucked in by the marketing...but why not. So Saturday night, I drive myself over to the Best Buy in Germantown (it's bigger and nicer than the ones in Rockville and Gaithersburg...plus I can't deal with the parking situations at both those places) and get a crash course on plasma vs. LCD. For those of you who are not versed in the differences, here's the key points I took from the discussions. Plasma TVs are a better picture but are only available in big sizes and generate a lot of heat. Plus, they may require some maintenance to the bulbs? after a couple years. Cost wise they're about the same.
Since I was originally planning to put it in my living room, I was stuck with a TV no bigger than 32", which pretty much took plasmas out of the equation, so my shopping experience was cut in half right off the bat. So, I proceeded to do what any normal TV shopping male would do when confronted with this dilemma. I stood in front of about 10 different LCD TVs for about 20 minutes watching white water canoeing and highlights of last year's Super Bowl. I'm pretty sure I came in my pants twice as they panned to the crowd and I could make out the faces of every screaming fan.
When all was said and done, I went with the best one they had, which was a Sony 26" (Amy talked me down from 32" and out of putting it in the living room) so it now sits beautifully in my bedroom, allowing me the luxury of crystal clear movies as I fall asleep.
Sweet.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Car Sickness
For those of you that know my younger brother, you know his love of cars and his hatred of having one for any long period of time. Well, he set a new record this week, as he gave up on his last car after only 11 months of ownership. Let me give you all a quick recap to bring you up to speed on his sickness.
When my brother turned 16 (1998), he was able to buy my grandmother's 1994 Mitsubishi Eclipse from her, giving him his first car...a decent one to start with for sure, it even had a spoiler. By the time he was 18, he had added one of those loud, ridiculous mufflers to it, which made it offensive to drive next to, and downright painful to drive in. I think he started to feel that way too, so he quickly ditched that car, and bought my mom's 1991 Nissan 300ZX from her.
The Z was definitely a pimpin ride, even at its age, and since my mom babied it since she had
always wanted a Z, he again got himself a pretty good car to work with. Unfortunately, he was still in his "souping up cars" stage and after he blew one speaker and killed the battery on the car four times because of the woofer he bought, it took only the few minor scratches caused by the tornado that came through College Park before he had once again moved on to another car.
This time, he picked out a brand new 2002 Silver Nissan XTerra. It was a nice car, and the first SUV that anyone in my family had gotten. But we knew it wouldn't last, and sure enough, it got keyed outside his fraternity house, plus it was that fast, so he traded it back to Nissan's parent company, Infiniti, and
grabbed himself another brand new car, a 2003 Infiniti G35 Sedan. This one he got fully loaded with the luxury and sports package, and every other whistle and bell, with only the exception being the GPS system. It was a damned sweet car, and even I was a bit jealous of this purchase (not so much with the incredible money loss he was enduring)
I liked the G35 so much, I took it off his hands when, of course, he grew tired of it, and decided he wanted to go back to an SUV. So in February 2005, I bought his car from him, and he stayed in the Nissan/Infiniti family again, and bought a brand new 2005 Nissan Pathfinder. This time, he did get the GPS and now he's a family joke, and we're wondering which car he's going to get the following year.
Well, here we are, less than a year later. Kevin just got his Pathfinder back from the body shop after someone smashed his whole front end, costing that guy over $8000 in repair costs, and of course, this leaves Kevin less than happy with his car. So, so long Pathfinder...
Hello, 2006 Black Lexus IS350. Now it's just got silly. This car is ridiculously sweet looking, but
how in the hell is he able to afford all this switching? I'm insistent he won't tell the family how the deals with the car guys really ended up, but I've figured that in all his exchanges, he's cost himself over $10,000, money he could be putting aside to get a condo or something.
But, unfortunately, he has a sickness, and I'm not sure if he'll ever get better. Certainly, the remedy is not more cowbell.
When my brother turned 16 (1998), he was able to buy my grandmother's 1994 Mitsubishi Eclipse from her, giving him his first car...a decent one to start with for sure, it even had a spoiler. By the time he was 18, he had added one of those loud, ridiculous mufflers to it, which made it offensive to drive next to, and downright painful to drive in. I think he started to feel that way too, so he quickly ditched that car, and bought my mom's 1991 Nissan 300ZX from her.The Z was definitely a pimpin ride, even at its age, and since my mom babied it since she had
always wanted a Z, he again got himself a pretty good car to work with. Unfortunately, he was still in his "souping up cars" stage and after he blew one speaker and killed the battery on the car four times because of the woofer he bought, it took only the few minor scratches caused by the tornado that came through College Park before he had once again moved on to another car.
This time, he picked out a brand new 2002 Silver Nissan XTerra. It was a nice car, and the first SUV that anyone in my family had gotten. But we knew it wouldn't last, and sure enough, it got keyed outside his fraternity house, plus it was that fast, so he traded it back to Nissan's parent company, Infiniti, and
grabbed himself another brand new car, a 2003 Infiniti G35 Sedan. This one he got fully loaded with the luxury and sports package, and every other whistle and bell, with only the exception being the GPS system. It was a damned sweet car, and even I was a bit jealous of this purchase (not so much with the incredible money loss he was enduring)I liked the G35 so much, I took it off his hands when, of course, he grew tired of it, and decided he wanted to go back to an SUV. So in February 2005, I bought his car from him, and he stayed in the Nissan/Infiniti family again, and bought a brand new 2005 Nissan Pathfinder. This time, he did get the GPS and now he's a family joke, and we're wondering which car he's going to get the following year.
Well, here we are, less than a year later. Kevin just got his Pathfinder back from the body shop after someone smashed his whole front end, costing that guy over $8000 in repair costs, and of course, this leaves Kevin less than happy with his car. So, so long Pathfinder...Hello, 2006 Black Lexus IS350. Now it's just got silly. This car is ridiculously sweet looking, but
how in the hell is he able to afford all this switching? I'm insistent he won't tell the family how the deals with the car guys really ended up, but I've figured that in all his exchanges, he's cost himself over $10,000, money he could be putting aside to get a condo or something.But, unfortunately, he has a sickness, and I'm not sure if he'll ever get better. Certainly, the remedy is not more cowbell.
Monday, January 16, 2006
A Whole Lot of Crap
Let me start off by saying that this particular blog entry is a bit graphic and may be offensive or gross to some you. That being said, you have been warned...now let me tell you about the last 48 hours of my life.
I woke up on Saturday morning feeling pretty good. I had gone out Friday night with my buddies Scott and Kupe, had a few (7, but who's counting) Capt. & Cokes and closed out the night with an empanada before jumping on the metro and running through the monsoon type rains to get home.
Amy had already left for work, so I had the place to myself. I headed downstairs and made myself some breakfast/lunch (it was about 11:30 when I got up) of soup and goldfish crackers. This was actually a tougher process than usual because I could barely move my arms. You see, as mentioned in a previous post, I joined the gym this week and started lifting weights, something I haven't done since my senior year in college. My chest and triceps were hurting the most and it was difficult to lift my arm up and even harder to pull my hand towards my face to put a spoonful of soup in my mouth. Probably shouldn't have tried to keep up with my brother, who has been lifting for over 5 years, but I'm too competitive to not at least try to do all the same exercises as him.
After I finish my soup, I begin to feel worse, now my shoulders (which I worked on Friday) and my abs are starting to ache, and overall I'm not feeling that well. Actually, before I started this lifting program, I told my brother that every time I try to start lifting, I get sick. The last time I got so sick, I was in bed for a week and missed my fraternity's beach party and the Super Bowl. Oh boy, here we go again.
I went onto webmd.com and checked into over-exercise and it mentioned that you can get sicker if you are already under the weather and stress your body with exercise, and it said it was normal to be sore 24-72 hours after first starting to work out, so maybe I just need some rest.
I turned on a hot bath (yeah, I took a bath, got a problem with a man taking a bath? And yes, there were bubbles in this bath, scented like oranges) in hopes that it would sooth my aching muscles and maybe give me some relief. I had a busy day planned, with the Redskins game and my buddy Greg's housewarming party. Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worst...and this is were things start to go downhill quickly.
I am freezing and shivering as I get out of the bath and now I can barely stand. Something is definitely wrong and I'm worried that maybe I have some unknown diabetic condition (my dad is diabetic) and all the working out and drinking has done something to my blood. I quickly get dressed, grab an Aleve, a Megaman vitamin, and the thermometer and head to grab some lemonade and an apple. Maybe I need sugar?
The thermometer beeps while I'm cutting my apple (which was very difficult and somewhat dangerous given how my muscles were acting) and I've got a temperature of 100.7. Fuck! I still have no idea what is going on so it's back to webmd to check on blood sugar and symptoms of high or low blood sugar. Did you realize that muscle pain and fever are the symptoms of pretty much every single ailment? How the hell is this supposed to help me fix my problem if I could technically have every problem out there? Stupid computer doctor. At this point, I have nothing else I can do but go back to bed and hope that the Aleve fixes the problem. I call Amy and ask her to pick up some flex-all and orange juice on the way home (OJ fixes everything) and I try to rest. By this point, the Redskins are on and looking pathetic on offense as usual. At least, Shaun Alexander is out...we have a chance.
Amy gets home to find my pathetic ass laid up in bed. She gets me some orange juice and here's where things start to get REAL bad. After I finish my second glass, my stomach starts to rumble. I know where this is heading and it's off to the bathroom. Dumb and Dumber style explosions are coming out of my ass (told you I would be graphic, just wait...it gets worse) and it's sapping the remaining bit of energy out of my body. When I'm done, I try to stand up, but I double over in stomach pain and collapse to the ground. It's a matter of minutes before I am now adding puke to the toilet (I've flushed already, that would be too gross). After emptying my stomach and then a few more dry heaves for shits and giggles, I am a sweaty, exhausted mess. WHAT THE FUCK!!!
Amy helps me back to bed and now I want just water, and lots of it, because I'm sure I'm really dehydrated at this point. The next 17 hours (no, I'm not kidding) have me curled up in bed shivering from fever, which topped off at 102.7, drinking as much water as possible, and visiting the bathroom to shit every forty or so minutes (again, I'm not kidding).
So, you're probably asking yourself, how can you shit every forty minutes when all you're doing is drinking water? Well, you see, after about 3 hours worth of shitting, the idea of solid shit has long left your thoughts. When you get up to about 8 hours, you start to wonder (it could be the fever or drugs doing the wondering) why your ass needs to be involved at all...you could piss this out just as easily. By hour number 15, you are now starting to dislodge food that has been trapped in your intestines since you were 5 years old. The smells associated with this type of shitting are inexplicable, and would be grounds for vomiting, if I had anything left in my body to throw up. They even put my dog's farts to shame.
Thankfully, around 1 PM on Sunday, my fever broke and the shitting went to a once every hour and a half cycle. I was actually able to get some sleep last night, as it diminished even further to once every three hours, which is about where I am right now.
On a positive note, I am now five pounds lighter and got the benefit of a colon cleansing without the awkward doctor visit and related bills...and you all got the benefit of reading about me taking a whole lot of craps. You're welcome.
I woke up on Saturday morning feeling pretty good. I had gone out Friday night with my buddies Scott and Kupe, had a few (7, but who's counting) Capt. & Cokes and closed out the night with an empanada before jumping on the metro and running through the monsoon type rains to get home.
Amy had already left for work, so I had the place to myself. I headed downstairs and made myself some breakfast/lunch (it was about 11:30 when I got up) of soup and goldfish crackers. This was actually a tougher process than usual because I could barely move my arms. You see, as mentioned in a previous post, I joined the gym this week and started lifting weights, something I haven't done since my senior year in college. My chest and triceps were hurting the most and it was difficult to lift my arm up and even harder to pull my hand towards my face to put a spoonful of soup in my mouth. Probably shouldn't have tried to keep up with my brother, who has been lifting for over 5 years, but I'm too competitive to not at least try to do all the same exercises as him.
After I finish my soup, I begin to feel worse, now my shoulders (which I worked on Friday) and my abs are starting to ache, and overall I'm not feeling that well. Actually, before I started this lifting program, I told my brother that every time I try to start lifting, I get sick. The last time I got so sick, I was in bed for a week and missed my fraternity's beach party and the Super Bowl. Oh boy, here we go again.
I went onto webmd.com and checked into over-exercise and it mentioned that you can get sicker if you are already under the weather and stress your body with exercise, and it said it was normal to be sore 24-72 hours after first starting to work out, so maybe I just need some rest.
I turned on a hot bath (yeah, I took a bath, got a problem with a man taking a bath? And yes, there were bubbles in this bath, scented like oranges) in hopes that it would sooth my aching muscles and maybe give me some relief. I had a busy day planned, with the Redskins game and my buddy Greg's housewarming party. Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worst...and this is were things start to go downhill quickly.
I am freezing and shivering as I get out of the bath and now I can barely stand. Something is definitely wrong and I'm worried that maybe I have some unknown diabetic condition (my dad is diabetic) and all the working out and drinking has done something to my blood. I quickly get dressed, grab an Aleve, a Megaman vitamin, and the thermometer and head to grab some lemonade and an apple. Maybe I need sugar?
The thermometer beeps while I'm cutting my apple (which was very difficult and somewhat dangerous given how my muscles were acting) and I've got a temperature of 100.7. Fuck! I still have no idea what is going on so it's back to webmd to check on blood sugar and symptoms of high or low blood sugar. Did you realize that muscle pain and fever are the symptoms of pretty much every single ailment? How the hell is this supposed to help me fix my problem if I could technically have every problem out there? Stupid computer doctor. At this point, I have nothing else I can do but go back to bed and hope that the Aleve fixes the problem. I call Amy and ask her to pick up some flex-all and orange juice on the way home (OJ fixes everything) and I try to rest. By this point, the Redskins are on and looking pathetic on offense as usual. At least, Shaun Alexander is out...we have a chance.
Amy gets home to find my pathetic ass laid up in bed. She gets me some orange juice and here's where things start to get REAL bad. After I finish my second glass, my stomach starts to rumble. I know where this is heading and it's off to the bathroom. Dumb and Dumber style explosions are coming out of my ass (told you I would be graphic, just wait...it gets worse) and it's sapping the remaining bit of energy out of my body. When I'm done, I try to stand up, but I double over in stomach pain and collapse to the ground. It's a matter of minutes before I am now adding puke to the toilet (I've flushed already, that would be too gross). After emptying my stomach and then a few more dry heaves for shits and giggles, I am a sweaty, exhausted mess. WHAT THE FUCK!!!
Amy helps me back to bed and now I want just water, and lots of it, because I'm sure I'm really dehydrated at this point. The next 17 hours (no, I'm not kidding) have me curled up in bed shivering from fever, which topped off at 102.7, drinking as much water as possible, and visiting the bathroom to shit every forty or so minutes (again, I'm not kidding).
So, you're probably asking yourself, how can you shit every forty minutes when all you're doing is drinking water? Well, you see, after about 3 hours worth of shitting, the idea of solid shit has long left your thoughts. When you get up to about 8 hours, you start to wonder (it could be the fever or drugs doing the wondering) why your ass needs to be involved at all...you could piss this out just as easily. By hour number 15, you are now starting to dislodge food that has been trapped in your intestines since you were 5 years old. The smells associated with this type of shitting are inexplicable, and would be grounds for vomiting, if I had anything left in my body to throw up. They even put my dog's farts to shame.
Thankfully, around 1 PM on Sunday, my fever broke and the shitting went to a once every hour and a half cycle. I was actually able to get some sleep last night, as it diminished even further to once every three hours, which is about where I am right now.
On a positive note, I am now five pounds lighter and got the benefit of a colon cleansing without the awkward doctor visit and related bills...and you all got the benefit of reading about me taking a whole lot of craps. You're welcome.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
WhY iS ThAt?
WhY iS iT tHaT eMaIl FrOm PeOpLe TrYiNg To MaKe My PeNiS LaRgEr Or FrOm NiGeRiA Is WrItTeN lIkE tHiS?
dO yOu GeT a DiFfErEnT kEyBoArD wHeN yOu WaNt To Be An AnNoYiNg AsShOlE?
dO yOu GeT a DiFfErEnT kEyBoArD wHeN yOu WaNt To Be An AnNoYiNg AsShOlE?
Monday, January 09, 2006
Mitch Hedberg
I have added a link on the right side to a site that has most (if not all?) of my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg's, appearances. If you have never heard him before, you should definitely link to it or link to the Comedy Central Links below.
Comedy Central, Part 1
Comedy Central, Part 2
Comedy Central, Part 3
Enjoy!
Comedy Central, Part 1
Comedy Central, Part 2
Comedy Central, Part 3
Enjoy!
Random Thoughts
As you can imagine, following my return from a funeral in Colorado, it has been difficult to find much humor with which to enlighten your lives with. Add to that the fact that my father is going in for heart surgery tomorrow and you would have to say that 2006 has been the most humorless year to date, and we're only 9 days in. God help us.
However, there have been a few bright spots and I always seem to find something to mock or make light of, so here's a few tidbits from my last few days:
However, there have been a few bright spots and I always seem to find something to mock or make light of, so here's a few tidbits from my last few days:
- Saturday brought the first playoff game for the Redskins since I had returned to the city following college. I was pretty psyched for this new experience and was doubly psyched that I would be enjoying it at my favorite football watching venue, Union Jack's. Throughout the entire regular season, my buddies Scott, Kupe and I, along with a spattering (you know, I've used that word twice in like 5 posts...I feel like an old British man or something) of our other friends have been regulars at this bar. And that's saying alot because on average, there's usually about 15 people in the whole place each week. But low and behold, the Redskins are in the playoffs and what is this... The fair weather fans are out in full force. The bar is so packed (at 3:30 PM, no less) that we not only can't get our regular table, but we can't even get into the place. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Sadly, we are forced to Rock Bottom, where the seats have no backs, the waiters are stuck behind the bar, and the beer is food is not 25% off. Leave it to the snobs of Bethesda to do the "trendy" thing and suddenly decide that rooting for the Redskins is a great way to spend a Saturday. Go to hell, all of you!
- Well, that wasn't funny or uplifting at all.
- Tomorrow, I will be joining Gold's Gym, where my younger brother works out, marking the first time in the history of my life that I will be lifting weights on a regular basis with no other purpose than to make myself look better. Looks like I'm one step closer to being gay. Now I've just gotta learn how to be neat and go see "Brokeback Mountain."
- My mom has decided to start the Nutri-System diet (it worked for Zora from "Joe Millionaire") and she just received the meals in the mail on Saturday. After discussing it with her, I realized that the world needs a new diet plan, that's easy to follow and fun to do. So I give you the J-Man Arcade Crane Diet. It's a real easy-to-follow diet, based on the simple dietary philosophy of portion control...with a hint of FUN! All you need for this diet is to always carry a plate with you...or bowl, your choice. And here's how it works: Eat whatever you want, but when the food is brought to you, you become the "Arcade Crane". Take one hand and reach onto your plate with the fingers pointing down like the arcade game. You get one grasp at your food and then you must move the "crane" over to your second plate. Whatever makes it to the second plate is yours to eat...much like a stuffed Fozzy Bear. It just that simple...trust me you'll lose weight...if not your appetite too.
- With the nice weather outside today, I took the opportunity to trim back the terribly overgrown ornament grass in my front yard (yeah, I don't work...it's the Winter). I felt like Edward Scissorhands out there hacking away at the mound, which was about four feet high at this point. The only downside is, now my front yard is really bare looking and once again resembles the "dirt mound" I had back before I did all my planting in the Spring. If these perrenials don't pop up again in the Spring...well, it is 2006.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Hail to the Redskins
Though it didn't look pretty at times, the Skins pulled off the victory over the Eagles yesterday with some late defensive heroics to advance into the playoffs. With that win, the Skins are now in line to take on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Saturday in a rematch of the biggest bullshit game of the Redskins season.
The way the Skins defense has been playing the last few weeks, it would look like this one should go down much different than the first meeting, where the Skins secondary (without Sean Taylor) made Chris Simms look like Joe Montana. I have faith that they'll be able to pull through even with the very thin corner situation. And since things didn't turn out exactly as I had originally forcasted (all the right teams, not quite the right order), here's my altered predictions for those that weren't quite right before:
NFC Wildcard
Skins over Tampa Bay: This one will likely look a lot like the Philly game, with the Redskins getting beat by a big play here or there, but pulling it out with some key turnovers.
NY Giants over Carolina: Same matchup as I predicted before, but just in the Wild Card round this time.
NFC Divisional
Redskins over Seattle: I had this one before, and I'm sticking with it...even with all the injuries to the Skins.
NY Giants over Chicago: Playing in Chicago will likely make this a much tighter game than it should be, and Chicago could even pull this one out, but I'm sticking with my early prediction and putting the Skins and Giants in the NFC Conference Championship.
And if you didn't notice, that would make my predictions (AFC too) include losses to all of the teams that got a first round bye. Something tells me that's not a good thing. Oh, well.
The way the Skins defense has been playing the last few weeks, it would look like this one should go down much different than the first meeting, where the Skins secondary (without Sean Taylor) made Chris Simms look like Joe Montana. I have faith that they'll be able to pull through even with the very thin corner situation. And since things didn't turn out exactly as I had originally forcasted (all the right teams, not quite the right order), here's my altered predictions for those that weren't quite right before:
NFC Wildcard
Skins over Tampa Bay: This one will likely look a lot like the Philly game, with the Redskins getting beat by a big play here or there, but pulling it out with some key turnovers.
NY Giants over Carolina: Same matchup as I predicted before, but just in the Wild Card round this time.
NFC Divisional
Redskins over Seattle: I had this one before, and I'm sticking with it...even with all the injuries to the Skins.
NY Giants over Chicago: Playing in Chicago will likely make this a much tighter game than it should be, and Chicago could even pull this one out, but I'm sticking with my early prediction and putting the Skins and Giants in the NFC Conference Championship.
And if you didn't notice, that would make my predictions (AFC too) include losses to all of the teams that got a first round bye. Something tells me that's not a good thing. Oh, well.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Scientology?
As I mentioned in my previous post, Amy's grandmother passed away earlier this week and Amy took a flight out to Colorado the following day to be with her family. I, of course, followed suit and arrived here on the 29th after getting everything at home arranged with the dog and cat, and celebrating my birthday with my family.
Whenever I have to take a flight anywhere, it is usually my time to catch up on some reading. I usually don't read much outside of box scores, sports articles, and the occassional blog, so I somewhat look forward to this time. I've been in a rut the last few trips, reading the cop stories of Stuart Woods, which are light and easy to read. I've read about 10 of his books now, and just finished "Reckless Abandon" on the flight over.
Recognizing the impending boredom of my one week stay here in Colorado, I realized a new book (or three) would be needed, so Amy's family was nice enough to drive me to a used book store to locate a few others. I immediately went to my fallback, and grabbed Stuart Woods' "Swimming to Catalina" and then began searching the store for something new and different.
It is at this time that I saw a section labelled "Occult." Well, that sounds like something new and different for sure. Most of the books were about UFOs and Roswell, but then I saw it...the book I had actually been wanting to look into for some time...L. Ron Hubbard's "Scientology: The Fundamentals of Life."
After seeing the South Park episode about Scientology, I have been curious as to what exactly the whole thing was about...it couldn't be about the alien creatures they talk about, right?! Plus, anything that can drive a man like Tom Cruise insane is worth purusing...I mean this is the guy who got over Goose's death to save Iceman from the MIGs, dammit. So, I grabbed the book as well as a book about the power and mystery of Pyramids, and was on my way.
I read pretty quickly, when I actually read, and within a few hours I have completed this piece of garbage, disgusted that I wasted $2.50 on it in the first place. Allow me to enlighten everyone.
To begin with, I was a psychology major in college and have some pretty strong, though very loose (I strongly believe that organized religion and rules are bullshit) beliefs of my own, so I'm likely not L. Ron's target audience for this. Within a few 'chapters', about 30 rules or concepts have been discussed, each one very simplistic in nature, though organized in a way to confuse the reader. Some of the ideas are foundations of psychology, though they are intermingled with completely absurd thoughts as if both are to be considered fact.
Having lied often in my life, especially when dealing with clients, I recognized this technique immediately. Let me explain: Say you want to lie to someone and you want it to seem true or believable. The easiest way to help validate the lie is to encircle it with undeniable truths. To the listener or reader, they hear a bunch of things that they agree with and therefore lump the other crap in with it and take for granted that it must be true as well. Well played, L. Ron, well played. But wait, what else have we here?
He's employing the technique of using the anti-negative. This technique was used by Nazis as well as by George Bush in dealing with the war. For Bush, it was the manner with which to prevent anti-war sentiment. He grouped the troops with the war, and to protest against the war would mean to turn your back on the poor troops. Nobody would do that, right? Well, here's the great one, Scientology puts itself in direct contrast with the destruction of the world using nuclear weapons. WHAT??!!!! I kid you not, listen to this shit,
"The primary race of Earth is not between one nation and another today. The only race that matters at this moment is the one being run between Scientology and the atomic bomb. The history of man, as has been said by well-known authorities (who?), may well depend upon which one wins."
Well, I don't want to continue to bore you with this, but needless to say, there was no talk of aliens as South Park had suggested. They did talk about "thetans" which are the spirits that control our mind and body, and pass from one body to the next following death. I'm not gonna argue with this, because many people believe in this sort of thing, though the necessity to give it a new name is pretty funny. I'm naming my new fantasy baseball team the Thetans by the way...don't try and steal it.
Also, I finally realized why only the filthy rich and celebrities are heard of doing this. In order to be a part of this, you need to be "processed" which appears to be a VERY time consuming (i'm talking 25 hours to complete one task) process of stupid and basic question and answer series. And I'm sure no one will sit there and do this with you for that many hours for free?!!
Well, I've ranted enough about that. I enjoy learning about other people's beliefs and such, but this one just seems a bit too hokie and based off of lies and half-truths. Guess I'm not converting...but maybe I'll want to build myself a pyramid tomb????
Whenever I have to take a flight anywhere, it is usually my time to catch up on some reading. I usually don't read much outside of box scores, sports articles, and the occassional blog, so I somewhat look forward to this time. I've been in a rut the last few trips, reading the cop stories of Stuart Woods, which are light and easy to read. I've read about 10 of his books now, and just finished "Reckless Abandon" on the flight over.
Recognizing the impending boredom of my one week stay here in Colorado, I realized a new book (or three) would be needed, so Amy's family was nice enough to drive me to a used book store to locate a few others. I immediately went to my fallback, and grabbed Stuart Woods' "Swimming to Catalina" and then began searching the store for something new and different.
It is at this time that I saw a section labelled "Occult." Well, that sounds like something new and different for sure. Most of the books were about UFOs and Roswell, but then I saw it...the book I had actually been wanting to look into for some time...L. Ron Hubbard's "Scientology: The Fundamentals of Life."
After seeing the South Park episode about Scientology, I have been curious as to what exactly the whole thing was about...it couldn't be about the alien creatures they talk about, right?! Plus, anything that can drive a man like Tom Cruise insane is worth purusing...I mean this is the guy who got over Goose's death to save Iceman from the MIGs, dammit. So, I grabbed the book as well as a book about the power and mystery of Pyramids, and was on my way.
I read pretty quickly, when I actually read, and within a few hours I have completed this piece of garbage, disgusted that I wasted $2.50 on it in the first place. Allow me to enlighten everyone.
To begin with, I was a psychology major in college and have some pretty strong, though very loose (I strongly believe that organized religion and rules are bullshit) beliefs of my own, so I'm likely not L. Ron's target audience for this. Within a few 'chapters', about 30 rules or concepts have been discussed, each one very simplistic in nature, though organized in a way to confuse the reader. Some of the ideas are foundations of psychology, though they are intermingled with completely absurd thoughts as if both are to be considered fact.
Having lied often in my life, especially when dealing with clients, I recognized this technique immediately. Let me explain: Say you want to lie to someone and you want it to seem true or believable. The easiest way to help validate the lie is to encircle it with undeniable truths. To the listener or reader, they hear a bunch of things that they agree with and therefore lump the other crap in with it and take for granted that it must be true as well. Well played, L. Ron, well played. But wait, what else have we here?
He's employing the technique of using the anti-negative. This technique was used by Nazis as well as by George Bush in dealing with the war. For Bush, it was the manner with which to prevent anti-war sentiment. He grouped the troops with the war, and to protest against the war would mean to turn your back on the poor troops. Nobody would do that, right? Well, here's the great one, Scientology puts itself in direct contrast with the destruction of the world using nuclear weapons. WHAT??!!!! I kid you not, listen to this shit,
"The primary race of Earth is not between one nation and another today. The only race that matters at this moment is the one being run between Scientology and the atomic bomb. The history of man, as has been said by well-known authorities (who?), may well depend upon which one wins."
Well, I don't want to continue to bore you with this, but needless to say, there was no talk of aliens as South Park had suggested. They did talk about "thetans" which are the spirits that control our mind and body, and pass from one body to the next following death. I'm not gonna argue with this, because many people believe in this sort of thing, though the necessity to give it a new name is pretty funny. I'm naming my new fantasy baseball team the Thetans by the way...don't try and steal it.
Also, I finally realized why only the filthy rich and celebrities are heard of doing this. In order to be a part of this, you need to be "processed" which appears to be a VERY time consuming (i'm talking 25 hours to complete one task) process of stupid and basic question and answer series. And I'm sure no one will sit there and do this with you for that many hours for free?!!
Well, I've ranted enough about that. I enjoy learning about other people's beliefs and such, but this one just seems a bit too hokie and based off of lies and half-truths. Guess I'm not converting...but maybe I'll want to build myself a pyramid tomb????
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Happy Birthday to Me
Today is my 28th birthday...which is somewhat scary because I really lost track of 23 through 27. Birthdays sort of lose their luster after 16, with the exception of 21, which is always exciting. They are especially unspectacular when they are three days after Christmas and most people are either exhausted (or broke) from all the Christmas stuff, or are anticipating a New Years disaster in three more days. Usually, this leads me to uneventful birthday gatherings with a spattering of my friends for dinner and some drinks.
Tonight will be no different as a group of us are headed to Hinode Japanese Steak House for some dinner, freshly prepared in front of you by the chef...always fun. This used to be a common dinner option when I was in college, since there were a bunch of date functions and such, and nothing beats a volcano made of onions or flying shrimp when you're trying to impress a new girl. Since college, though, I really haven't been to this type of dining that much (twice in the last five years), so I'm pretty psyched.
Unfortunately, I will be flying dateless tonight as Amy had to depart for Colorado this morning as her grandmother became suddenly ill and very unexpectantly passed away yesterday afternoon. Where today would typically be a very festive and upbeat day, there is a dark cloud looming over it now, and my prayers go out to Amy's family for their loss.
However, in some ways an occurrence like this helps you to appreciate every birthday, and your friends and family that are able to share these times with you. You really don't ever know when you won't be able to share a time like this again...and ironically the last time I ate at Hinode (the second of the two times) was with Amy's grandmother during her only visit to Maryland last September.
Tonight will be no different as a group of us are headed to Hinode Japanese Steak House for some dinner, freshly prepared in front of you by the chef...always fun. This used to be a common dinner option when I was in college, since there were a bunch of date functions and such, and nothing beats a volcano made of onions or flying shrimp when you're trying to impress a new girl. Since college, though, I really haven't been to this type of dining that much (twice in the last five years), so I'm pretty psyched.
Unfortunately, I will be flying dateless tonight as Amy had to depart for Colorado this morning as her grandmother became suddenly ill and very unexpectantly passed away yesterday afternoon. Where today would typically be a very festive and upbeat day, there is a dark cloud looming over it now, and my prayers go out to Amy's family for their loss.
However, in some ways an occurrence like this helps you to appreciate every birthday, and your friends and family that are able to share these times with you. You really don't ever know when you won't be able to share a time like this again...and ironically the last time I ate at Hinode (the second of the two times) was with Amy's grandmother during her only visit to Maryland last September.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Early NFL Predictions
It's been a while since I've thrown up a sports prediction post, or a post about sports at all for that matter. Since I stopped posting my weekly picks, I've actually been doing OK. I won the pool one week and tied for first, but lost on the tie breaker (total MNF points) another week, going 13-3 both those weeks. I'm feeling the swami mojo returning, so, I bring to you my early NFL Post Season Predictions.
NFC Wild Card Matchups
Washington over Chicago - Washington makes the playoffs as the 6th team after wins against the Giants and Philly to end the season. They'll pull this Week 1 Rematch out in another boring low scoring affair.
Carolina over Tampa Bay - Carolina will host this game and their defensive line will completely shut down Tampa's offense for a relatively easy victory.
AFC Wild Card Matchups
New England over Jacksonville - The Jags got lucky making the playoffs with David Garrard, but one game is all they'll see as the Pats front seven will destroy them.
Cincinnati over Pittsburgh - Too much talent on the Bengal offense to be held back, even by the Steelers.
NFC Divisional Matchups
Washington over Seattle - This one will be a nail-biter, just like their regular season matchup, but the Skins will come out on top with the help of John Hall's leg.
NY Giants over Carolina - Tiki, Tiki, Tiki. Eli may have just as many weapons as his brother, but Tom Coughlin realizes who to give the ball to.
AFC Divisional Matchups
New England over Indianapolis - When is everyone gonna stop sucking Peyton Manning's dick and realize that Tom Brady is the best quarterback in football right now. Did you see what he had to work with this year? Tom and Bill are gonna do it to the Colts one more time.
Cincinnati over Denver - Marvin Lewis should win Coach of the Year honors, and this game will help show why.
NFC Championship Matchup
NY Giants over Washington - Gibbs is good, but the Redskins just don't have enough talent on offense to hang with the Giants.
AFC Championship Matchup
New England over Cincinnati - I swear I've seen this scene before...Pats are going to another Super Bowl. That linebacking core is pretty nasty.
Super Bowl XL
New England over NY Giants - The Patriots organization is just too well run for anything short of a disaster (and it was close this year) to stop them. Tom Brady wins another one and the attention will still be on the fact that Eli Manning (and not Peyton) went to the Super Bowl.
And those are my picks...with two weeks to play, some of these teams might not even make the playoffs, but I'm sticking with it. You may begin berating me....now.
NFC Wild Card Matchups
Washington over Chicago - Washington makes the playoffs as the 6th team after wins against the Giants and Philly to end the season. They'll pull this Week 1 Rematch out in another boring low scoring affair.
Carolina over Tampa Bay - Carolina will host this game and their defensive line will completely shut down Tampa's offense for a relatively easy victory.
AFC Wild Card Matchups
New England over Jacksonville - The Jags got lucky making the playoffs with David Garrard, but one game is all they'll see as the Pats front seven will destroy them.
Cincinnati over Pittsburgh - Too much talent on the Bengal offense to be held back, even by the Steelers.
NFC Divisional Matchups
Washington over Seattle - This one will be a nail-biter, just like their regular season matchup, but the Skins will come out on top with the help of John Hall's leg.
NY Giants over Carolina - Tiki, Tiki, Tiki. Eli may have just as many weapons as his brother, but Tom Coughlin realizes who to give the ball to.
AFC Divisional Matchups
New England over Indianapolis - When is everyone gonna stop sucking Peyton Manning's dick and realize that Tom Brady is the best quarterback in football right now. Did you see what he had to work with this year? Tom and Bill are gonna do it to the Colts one more time.
Cincinnati over Denver - Marvin Lewis should win Coach of the Year honors, and this game will help show why.
NFC Championship Matchup
NY Giants over Washington - Gibbs is good, but the Redskins just don't have enough talent on offense to hang with the Giants.
AFC Championship Matchup
New England over Cincinnati - I swear I've seen this scene before...Pats are going to another Super Bowl. That linebacking core is pretty nasty.
Super Bowl XL
New England over NY Giants - The Patriots organization is just too well run for anything short of a disaster (and it was close this year) to stop them. Tom Brady wins another one and the attention will still be on the fact that Eli Manning (and not Peyton) went to the Super Bowl.
And those are my picks...with two weeks to play, some of these teams might not even make the playoffs, but I'm sticking with it. You may begin berating me....now.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
J-Man vs. Bahama Boozin'
Yikes. Been a week since my last post. Perhaps if I stopped going out at night, drinking, and taking the wrong drugs (prescriptions...that is) I'd be able to get over this head cold (working on a week plus, now) and feel more like typing. But alcohol has always been my downfall and that leads me to my final installment of the stories of my trip to the Bahamas.
Story 1: Prejudice Bitch
Now this story has less to do with my drinking and more to do with another persons drinking, but it's still a classic. It's the third night at the place, and Amy has been losing big at blackjack, so she's not in the best of moods to begin with. We decide to give it another shot and sit down at a table with her co-worker's husband Jim. It's just the three of us and things are going OK for a while, not winning too much, but not losing our ass either.
After about a half hour of this, two other guys from the company group walk over to our table. Both of them are absolutely hammered. The one guy, we'll call him Pete, (because I think that's his name but I'm not sure) is the owner of the company's cousin and apparently recognizes Jim, so he and the other guy (who cares what his name is, he's not important to this story) decide to sit down. This is when the chaos begins.
Within moments, it is apparent that Pete is going to have a very hard time focusing on the game. He is slurring his words, not responding to questions from the dealer, and begins to harrass the staff of the casino because his cards were getting "scooped" by the dealer at the Caribbean Stud table, even though he was in. This beligerence carries over to the waitress, who he refers to as "huney" and demeans her for a lack of speed in bringing him a drink. (This was a common occurrence with most of Amy's co-workers). Soon, the table has turned sour and Amy is getting frustrated by the 2-3 minutes that it takes for this guy to make a decision on whether to hit or pass. God forbid the times when he wants to split.
It has become too much for Amy to handle and since her money is dwindling again, I propose that we get up and move to the next table over, which is completely empty. Luckily, the shoe is about to end, and when it does, Amy and I color out and move to the next table. We assumed that the others would stay put, but we were wrong.
Immediately, Jim has colored up as well and has moved to our table, which is not immediately a bad thing...except that ol' drunken Pete is confused by the exodus, and still wants to play with us. He and the other guy also color up and stumble their way over to us. Just great, this can't get any worse. Or can it????
What I hadn't noticed when Amy and I departed was that an older black woman had just sat down at the table next to Jim and was getting ready to play. And almost on cue, all five of us (white people) got up and moved tables. Oh boy!
The lady shoves her way in between Amy and Pete (I've sat at the last position at the table) and throws her money down, glares at each of us and pronounces, "WE are in the Bahamas, trying to have an enjoyable time. Why can't we just put that bullshit behind us and just play a game? My money is just as good as yours, and I probably know how to play better anyway." Uh, awkward.
Amy immediately tries to defend our move, by saying that we did not move because of her, but the lady does not want to hear it and dismisses her with a "You don't have to give me any explanations, you prejudice bitch." This is bad, but it can't get any worse right???
Wrong. The lady begins to win a couple of hands in a row, including a few blackjacks, which leads good ol' drunken Pete to ask this winning line to the dealer, "Are you guys sisters?" Oh, Jeez.
Her response, "Why, because we're both BLACK?!"
Someone, please kill me.
Story 2: Daquiris are 2 for $10
So, it's our last night on the island and Amy's boss has paid for everyone to go to a bonfire party where there will be food and all you can drink Bahama Mamas and Kamakazis. Did someone say, all-you-can-drink? The last time I went to an all-you-can-drink, I ended up scuplting a bowl out of newspaper on the metro as I vomited all over myself, so this was likely destined for disaster from the beginning, but let's continue.
So we get to the bonfire, and not only are the drinks free flowing, they're also really fucking strong. It doesn't take long before I'm loaded, dancing with the fire breather lady and talking to a fat couple about how bad Brett Favre is playing this year. Sadly, the bonfire came to an end a few hours later, but the party can still continue as Amy, Lorrel and Crystal (from the dolphin story) and I all head to the marina bars to grab a few more drinks...like I really needed one.
We had been to the marina bars before and they are much like the bars of New Orleans, where it is just a bar that you walk up to from the street, with no where to go into. In my previous visits to these bars, I had learned that the key is to order multiple drinks. Beers are one for $4 or 2 for $5. That's a deal. So, when we get there, I immediately order myself and Lorrel a beer and turn back to the ladies, who have not had a drink in a while. And this is where things start to turn bad.
Amy looks at the two beers with disgust, and asks, "Where's mine? You didn't even ask?" Uh, oh.
"Oh sorry, I didn't know you wanted anything."
"I do, I'll have a strawberry daquiri."
I ask Crystal if she wants a drink, but she does not. And then I turn to the bar, Daquiris are one for $8 or two for $10. Holy Shit, NOW THAT'S A DEAL. Now here's where things get even worse.
So I turn to my right and see three young girls that have just walked up to the bar, but don't have any drinks yet. Always the thinker, I step over to them and ask if any of them was planning to order a daquiri, because my girlfriend wanted one and they were a deal if you got two.
Now, this probably wouldn't be a big deal if this were three guys (though I probably wouldn't assume they would want a daquiri) or maybe if it were three fat girls (yeah, I said it), but apparently this was a very bad move given the actual circumstances.
This is when Amy appears and gives me a shove, "What exactly are you doing?" (Notice the "exactly." Not sure why, but women use this one alot)
"I was asking them if they were gonna get a daquiri, because it's a deal" (The hole is dug, I'm just digging deeper now)
This is when the barrage of punches begins, starting at my stomach and working its way up to two right hooks to my jaw and cheek, in coordination with her outburst, "Why..are..you..fucking..doing..this shit..on my..company..trip!!!???"
This is followed by a "You're such an asshole" and a "We're through" and the night is now a complete success.
Stunned by everything that just occurred, I had only one recourse but to finish my beer.
Story 1: Prejudice Bitch
Now this story has less to do with my drinking and more to do with another persons drinking, but it's still a classic. It's the third night at the place, and Amy has been losing big at blackjack, so she's not in the best of moods to begin with. We decide to give it another shot and sit down at a table with her co-worker's husband Jim. It's just the three of us and things are going OK for a while, not winning too much, but not losing our ass either.
After about a half hour of this, two other guys from the company group walk over to our table. Both of them are absolutely hammered. The one guy, we'll call him Pete, (because I think that's his name but I'm not sure) is the owner of the company's cousin and apparently recognizes Jim, so he and the other guy (who cares what his name is, he's not important to this story) decide to sit down. This is when the chaos begins.
Within moments, it is apparent that Pete is going to have a very hard time focusing on the game. He is slurring his words, not responding to questions from the dealer, and begins to harrass the staff of the casino because his cards were getting "scooped" by the dealer at the Caribbean Stud table, even though he was in. This beligerence carries over to the waitress, who he refers to as "huney" and demeans her for a lack of speed in bringing him a drink. (This was a common occurrence with most of Amy's co-workers). Soon, the table has turned sour and Amy is getting frustrated by the 2-3 minutes that it takes for this guy to make a decision on whether to hit or pass. God forbid the times when he wants to split.
It has become too much for Amy to handle and since her money is dwindling again, I propose that we get up and move to the next table over, which is completely empty. Luckily, the shoe is about to end, and when it does, Amy and I color out and move to the next table. We assumed that the others would stay put, but we were wrong.
Immediately, Jim has colored up as well and has moved to our table, which is not immediately a bad thing...except that ol' drunken Pete is confused by the exodus, and still wants to play with us. He and the other guy also color up and stumble their way over to us. Just great, this can't get any worse. Or can it????
What I hadn't noticed when Amy and I departed was that an older black woman had just sat down at the table next to Jim and was getting ready to play. And almost on cue, all five of us (white people) got up and moved tables. Oh boy!
The lady shoves her way in between Amy and Pete (I've sat at the last position at the table) and throws her money down, glares at each of us and pronounces, "WE are in the Bahamas, trying to have an enjoyable time. Why can't we just put that bullshit behind us and just play a game? My money is just as good as yours, and I probably know how to play better anyway." Uh, awkward.
Amy immediately tries to defend our move, by saying that we did not move because of her, but the lady does not want to hear it and dismisses her with a "You don't have to give me any explanations, you prejudice bitch." This is bad, but it can't get any worse right???
Wrong. The lady begins to win a couple of hands in a row, including a few blackjacks, which leads good ol' drunken Pete to ask this winning line to the dealer, "Are you guys sisters?" Oh, Jeez.
Her response, "Why, because we're both BLACK?!"
Someone, please kill me.
Story 2: Daquiris are 2 for $10
So, it's our last night on the island and Amy's boss has paid for everyone to go to a bonfire party where there will be food and all you can drink Bahama Mamas and Kamakazis. Did someone say, all-you-can-drink? The last time I went to an all-you-can-drink, I ended up scuplting a bowl out of newspaper on the metro as I vomited all over myself, so this was likely destined for disaster from the beginning, but let's continue.
So we get to the bonfire, and not only are the drinks free flowing, they're also really fucking strong. It doesn't take long before I'm loaded, dancing with the fire breather lady and talking to a fat couple about how bad Brett Favre is playing this year. Sadly, the bonfire came to an end a few hours later, but the party can still continue as Amy, Lorrel and Crystal (from the dolphin story) and I all head to the marina bars to grab a few more drinks...like I really needed one.
We had been to the marina bars before and they are much like the bars of New Orleans, where it is just a bar that you walk up to from the street, with no where to go into. In my previous visits to these bars, I had learned that the key is to order multiple drinks. Beers are one for $4 or 2 for $5. That's a deal. So, when we get there, I immediately order myself and Lorrel a beer and turn back to the ladies, who have not had a drink in a while. And this is where things start to turn bad.
Amy looks at the two beers with disgust, and asks, "Where's mine? You didn't even ask?" Uh, oh.
"Oh sorry, I didn't know you wanted anything."
"I do, I'll have a strawberry daquiri."
I ask Crystal if she wants a drink, but she does not. And then I turn to the bar, Daquiris are one for $8 or two for $10. Holy Shit, NOW THAT'S A DEAL. Now here's where things get even worse.
So I turn to my right and see three young girls that have just walked up to the bar, but don't have any drinks yet. Always the thinker, I step over to them and ask if any of them was planning to order a daquiri, because my girlfriend wanted one and they were a deal if you got two.
Now, this probably wouldn't be a big deal if this were three guys (though I probably wouldn't assume they would want a daquiri) or maybe if it were three fat girls (yeah, I said it), but apparently this was a very bad move given the actual circumstances.
This is when Amy appears and gives me a shove, "What exactly are you doing?" (Notice the "exactly." Not sure why, but women use this one alot)
"I was asking them if they were gonna get a daquiri, because it's a deal" (The hole is dug, I'm just digging deeper now)
This is when the barrage of punches begins, starting at my stomach and working its way up to two right hooks to my jaw and cheek, in coordination with her outburst, "Why..are..you..fucking..doing..this shit..on my..company..trip!!!???"
This is followed by a "You're such an asshole" and a "We're through" and the night is now a complete success.
Stunned by everything that just occurred, I had only one recourse but to finish my beer.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
J-Man vs. The Dolphins
I've been sick the last two days (go figure: 79 degrees in the Bahamas, 18 here) so I don't really feel like writing a whole story about swimming with the dolphins...so here's a quick summary.
This was one thing I've always wanted to do, so when the opportunity presented itself, I jumped at the possibility and jumped into some relatively cold water to do so. The two dolphins we swam with were pretty cool and did some nice tricks, including hugging, waving, talking, kissing and of course, jumping (after we were out of the water). The dolphins were much bigger than I had originally imagined, but at no point did I ever feel afraid. They are quite cool creatures. Here's some more pics:
Totally got her number, BTW.
Yes I know, that's pretty damned cool. They call me the Beastmaster.
And this is the dolphin spitting at me. The instructor thought it would be funny for me to show everyone the "splash" command.
Monday, December 12, 2005
J-Man vs. The Barracuda
It's our second day in the Bahamas and one of Amy's co-workers is extremely psyched that he has secured a boat to take us out deep sea fishing. He finds Amy and I eating breakfast with two of Amy's other co-workers, Crystal and Lorrel, and demands that Lorrel join him on this voyage.
I am a complete outsider in this group to begin with, then add onto that the fact that I neither golf (well, I have, but I really suck) nor hunt (which it seemed all of them do??), and I'm basically like the fat kid in gym class. So, of course, no invitation is directly extended to me. However, Lorrel is insistent that I go, so that Amy will go, and therefore his fiance will go, so who am I to argue with that kind of logic? I figure an afternoon of sitting on a boat waiting for the fish to grab while throwing down some beers can't be that bad, so I'm in. I fork over the $175 for Amy and I, and we're in.
Now, there may be some of you that already know what "deep sea fishing" is, but it is not what I had originally thought. The boat does not stop moving. You do not hold your fishing pole. And throwing down beers is a recipe for disaster.
What you do do is sit on a stank boat that is constantly "trolling" the waters with 4 or more lines cast out behind the boat. It's hard enough to stand on the boat when you're sober, so after my first beer, I decide that I'm cut off. Within an hour of our departure, Crystal is puking, I haven't touched anything associated with fishing, and the same four lines are still dragging behind the boat. Another hour passes and now I'm searching for my iPod to take my mind off of the sheer stupidity of this endeavor.
Perhaps the fish like Evanescence, because Amy Lee gets out two words when our first line takes hold, then a second one snags a moment later and the excitement has begun. Lorrel and the other guy quickly spring to a seat and the captain puts the pole in their hands to reel the fish in. Seems simple enough...tug and wind...I take notice of the way to reel it in since I've never done this before and feel a bit more at ease as the fish get pulled in rather easily. When the fish is right by the boat, the captain snags it with a hook (I saw a trident in a store while I was down there, and was very tempted to buy it) and chucks it into a bin. What a blood bath! 2 hours, 2 Wahoos (that's the name of the fish they both caught) and now back to the iPod.
More time passes and Amy's co-worker says I should get into the chair so I can get the next one that grabs. I take my place and wait...and wait...and wait. And then we've got a grab. The captain puts the rod in position in front of me and the instructions begin.
"Let it go until the reel stops moving, then start pulling him in slowly"
(Simple enough)
Except the reel keeps spinning and spinning. Why is this fish swimming further and further away damn it! Finally, he stops and the reeling must begin. I start turning the reel as I had seen but this whole tug and wind out the slack thing complete eludes me.
(You see, so that you don't strain yourself too hard, you are supposed to tug back with your whole body, then lean forward as you reel so that you're merely reeling in the slack)
Had I thought this through during one of the first two hours of mindless sitting, perhaps my right arm wouldn't be burning as I fight this fish closer and closer. Did I mention that I'm not right handed? The others on the boat are continuing to scream with encouragement as I reel the fish closer and closer, and there is no giving up at this point. Not since the first time I laid my eyes on Swank magazine has my forearm ached, but as the fish gets close and flies out of the water, I see my competitor and I make the last of the reels.
The captain hooks the fish and everyone stares in amazement at the fish I have brought aboard.
A 3 foot, 30 lb. barracuda with teeth like a rabid dog sits in a pool of blood in the bin, flapping and snapping its final breaths. The biggest fish anyone caught that day, and the first fish I have ever caught in my life.
I have felt the power, I must kill again.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Oh, the Stories I Could Tell...
Well, I just got back from my trip and let me just tell you that the next few posts are going to be stellar. I don't quite feel like writing up a full post right now, and alot of these stories will need to be posted separately, so here's the sneak previews:
- The Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3 are taping in the Bahamas so I saw the midget pirate and the funny bearded old guy pirate just walking around and drinking
- I went fishing for the first time in my life and caught a baracuda
- I swam with Dolphins
- Amy was referred to as a "prejudice bitch" by an older black lady in the casino
- I continued to prove that a stingy Jew is a better haggler than any island inhabitant or Mexican
- If you think you have a drinking problem, hang out with Amy's co-workers and you'll realize what a drinking problem really is
- Amy punched me in the face twice last night
Check back soon, I'll give you the sorted details to go along with these headlines in the coming days.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Heading South
Just like the birds, the pool man must also head south in search of warmer climates. Unfortunately, I'm only going for a week, not the whole Winter. Fortunately, I'm leaving tomorrow for Our Lucaya in the Grand Bahamas, just in time for the first snow/rain mess that's supposed to hit DC.
Amy's work is flying all of the managers and a guest to the island to stay for the week...free of charge. Plus, they're giving us a $600 hotel credit to work with. Talk about a nice Christmas bonus.
So, as you can imagine, there won't be any new blog entries for at least a week. I'm sure I'll have some nice pics and stories when I get back though. In the meantime, when you're shoveling the slush off your driveway, you can think of me sitting on a beach having overpriced drinks brought to me. See you when I get back.
Amy's work is flying all of the managers and a guest to the island to stay for the week...free of charge. Plus, they're giving us a $600 hotel credit to work with. Talk about a nice Christmas bonus.
So, as you can imagine, there won't be any new blog entries for at least a week. I'm sure I'll have some nice pics and stories when I get back though. In the meantime, when you're shoveling the slush off your driveway, you can think of me sitting on a beach having overpriced drinks brought to me. See you when I get back.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Special Shoes
As expected, I've made fun of one too many retarded guys and god is now punishing me...well, at least this is part one of the punishment.
About five weeks ago or so, my right arch in my foot started to bother me. I assume the pain was caused by my 5 year old Timberland work boots which I've been wearing not that it's getting colder, or possibly my 4 year old cleats that I wear to play outdoor football. More than likely, it's a combination of both. The pain started off with just a mild discomfort, but by now it has gotten to the point where I can barely walk barefoot after playing any sort of sport. Something needs to be done.
So, I go to the Wizards game on Wednesday night. No, not to fix the foot problem, I just went to watch the Wizards play...bear with me here. They won the game, and there were some great highlights from the on-court action. But the true highlights for me were off-court, in Section 102, directly to my left.
It was during warm-ups that I first noticed them. Yes, THEM. There were two. Two of my old buddies from high school...none other than JP and Mongo (that's what we'll call him at least, I never knew his name). They are big time Washington sports fans. Some might even consider them superfans with their respective Nationals and Redskins Starter jackets, poorly shaped Capitals and Wizards caps, and large foam fingers. Hell, this is the third sporting event I've personally seen them at this year! Yes, even I would consider them superfans. Retarded Superfans.
I immediately call my buddy Kupe to let him know of my sighting, overwhelmed with joy. And then, I notice him...sitting about 10 rows up from the Superfans, directly to my left at the end of the section. Could it be? Am I so lucky? Yes, there is a dwarf sitting in the same section as two retarded guys. God has truly blessed me this evening. Or has he?
As if from the bible, God is quick to punish me for my mockery. I woke up Thursday morning with more pain in my right arch than ever before. Something definitely needs to be done now.
So Thursday night, I'm at the mall with Amy, buying new shoes with extra arch support and "special" inserts. Yep, special. It's not Down Syndrome special, but the process has now begun. It won't be long now before I get an incurable cramp in my hand, an uncontrollable urge to hug everyone and will spit up on myself.
Crap, that sounds like my typical Saturday night. ("We should have listened!")
About five weeks ago or so, my right arch in my foot started to bother me. I assume the pain was caused by my 5 year old Timberland work boots which I've been wearing not that it's getting colder, or possibly my 4 year old cleats that I wear to play outdoor football. More than likely, it's a combination of both. The pain started off with just a mild discomfort, but by now it has gotten to the point where I can barely walk barefoot after playing any sort of sport. Something needs to be done.
So, I go to the Wizards game on Wednesday night. No, not to fix the foot problem, I just went to watch the Wizards play...bear with me here. They won the game, and there were some great highlights from the on-court action. But the true highlights for me were off-court, in Section 102, directly to my left.
It was during warm-ups that I first noticed them. Yes, THEM. There were two. Two of my old buddies from high school...none other than JP and Mongo (that's what we'll call him at least, I never knew his name). They are big time Washington sports fans. Some might even consider them superfans with their respective Nationals and Redskins Starter jackets, poorly shaped Capitals and Wizards caps, and large foam fingers. Hell, this is the third sporting event I've personally seen them at this year! Yes, even I would consider them superfans. Retarded Superfans.
I immediately call my buddy Kupe to let him know of my sighting, overwhelmed with joy. And then, I notice him...sitting about 10 rows up from the Superfans, directly to my left at the end of the section. Could it be? Am I so lucky? Yes, there is a dwarf sitting in the same section as two retarded guys. God has truly blessed me this evening. Or has he?
As if from the bible, God is quick to punish me for my mockery. I woke up Thursday morning with more pain in my right arch than ever before. Something definitely needs to be done now.
So Thursday night, I'm at the mall with Amy, buying new shoes with extra arch support and "special" inserts. Yep, special. It's not Down Syndrome special, but the process has now begun. It won't be long now before I get an incurable cramp in my hand, an uncontrollable urge to hug everyone and will spit up on myself.
Crap, that sounds like my typical Saturday night. ("We should have listened!")
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