Monday, January 09, 2006

Random Thoughts

As you can imagine, following my return from a funeral in Colorado, it has been difficult to find much humor with which to enlighten your lives with. Add to that the fact that my father is going in for heart surgery tomorrow and you would have to say that 2006 has been the most humorless year to date, and we're only 9 days in. God help us.

However, there have been a few bright spots and I always seem to find something to mock or make light of, so here's a few tidbits from my last few days:
  • Saturday brought the first playoff game for the Redskins since I had returned to the city following college. I was pretty psyched for this new experience and was doubly psyched that I would be enjoying it at my favorite football watching venue, Union Jack's. Throughout the entire regular season, my buddies Scott, Kupe and I, along with a spattering (you know, I've used that word twice in like 5 posts...I feel like an old British man or something) of our other friends have been regulars at this bar. And that's saying alot because on average, there's usually about 15 people in the whole place each week. But low and behold, the Redskins are in the playoffs and what is this... The fair weather fans are out in full force. The bar is so packed (at 3:30 PM, no less) that we not only can't get our regular table, but we can't even get into the place. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Sadly, we are forced to Rock Bottom, where the seats have no backs, the waiters are stuck behind the bar, and the beer is food is not 25% off. Leave it to the snobs of Bethesda to do the "trendy" thing and suddenly decide that rooting for the Redskins is a great way to spend a Saturday. Go to hell, all of you!
  • Well, that wasn't funny or uplifting at all.
  • Tomorrow, I will be joining Gold's Gym, where my younger brother works out, marking the first time in the history of my life that I will be lifting weights on a regular basis with no other purpose than to make myself look better. Looks like I'm one step closer to being gay. Now I've just gotta learn how to be neat and go see "Brokeback Mountain."
  • My mom has decided to start the Nutri-System diet (it worked for Zora from "Joe Millionaire") and she just received the meals in the mail on Saturday. After discussing it with her, I realized that the world needs a new diet plan, that's easy to follow and fun to do. So I give you the J-Man Arcade Crane Diet. It's a real easy-to-follow diet, based on the simple dietary philosophy of portion control...with a hint of FUN! All you need for this diet is to always carry a plate with you...or bowl, your choice. And here's how it works: Eat whatever you want, but when the food is brought to you, you become the "Arcade Crane". Take one hand and reach onto your plate with the fingers pointing down like the arcade game. You get one grasp at your food and then you must move the "crane" over to your second plate. Whatever makes it to the second plate is yours to eat...much like a stuffed Fozzy Bear. It just that me you'll lose weight...if not your appetite too.
  • With the nice weather outside today, I took the opportunity to trim back the terribly overgrown ornament grass in my front yard (yeah, I don't's the Winter). I felt like Edward Scissorhands out there hacking away at the mound, which was about four feet high at this point. The only downside is, now my front yard is really bare looking and once again resembles the "dirt mound" I had back before I did all my planting in the Spring. If these perrenials don't pop up again in the Spring...well, it is 2006.

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