Friday, September 01, 2006

Labor Day Weekend

The last time a holiday weekend rolled around, I viciously had my face destroyed on the Friday night, thus eliminating any chance for fun the remainder of the action-packed extended weekend. So, here we are two months later, Labor Day weekend is upon us, and I have a somewhat full palette on tap for the entire weekend.

With that said, I'd like to thank everyone of you for reading my blog and our friendship over the years, as I am probably about to have another brutal accident occur within the next 8 hours...possibly life threatening. With that in mind, here's a few possibilities of what may happen, and the odds I'm putting with them.

Eat leftover Chinese food and contract internal parasite: 8-1
Fall down the stairs and crack a vertebrae: 10-1
Slam my hand in my car door, breaking several fingers: 12-1
Tragic victim of road rage: 7-1
Drive off the Bay Bridge en route to Ocean City: 50-1
Kidnapped by hillbillies at a gas station stop: 60-1
Eaten by wild dogs at the same gas station stop: 90-1
Alcoholic baffoonery turns tragic as I fall in the bay and drown: 4-1
The "old Ricky Paugh" returns and punches me in the jaw, rebreaking it: 25-1
Develop gangreen on my right testicle (Ike, this is the most disgusting ailment I have ever heard by the way): 100,000,000-1

If I was you, though, I'd assume the following: I'm gonna eat my Chinese food for dinner and give myself some serious stomach pain, which will force me to puke it up, but no parasites. The pain is gonna linger and cause me to flinch as I'm carrying my bags down the stairs to my car, and fall down a few. Luckily, I'll only bang up my arm as the weight of the bag will pull me down sideways. Unfortunately, just moments later, I'll end up slamming three fingers in my trunk after throwing my bags in the back. I'm still OK enough to head to OC, but when a crazed driver on the Bay Bridge mistakes my mangled fingers for me giving him the finger, he's gonna slam his car into me, forcing me to swerve into the edge of the bridge and bust up my car. After waiting with this douchebag for almost an hour in pouring rain on the Bay Bridge, some hillbilly in a tow truck will pull up and take me to some backwoods service station to fix up my car. Like most rednecks, he's gonna have a bunch of dogs, and they all smell Chloe and will therefore try to bite at me. After fighting off the dogs for 2 hours, the hillbilly will have completed a quick repair to make my car drivable and I'll continue on to OC. I'll arrive to an already drunk group of people because I've been so delayed, so I'll decide to take shots to catch up. This is a bad idea since I'm only tipping the scale at 162 lbs. now and the only food I ate, I threw up almost 6 hours prior to this. Obviously, I'll be shitfaced quickly and in an unknown environment, so it seems only natural that I would do something stupid, like fall in the bay. This will sober me up alot, but is hilarious to all the other people who are still drunk, including ol' Rick, who will decide to playfully jab me in the arm for this monumentally classic, stupid move. Unfortunately, it's the same arm I injured when I fell down the stairs earlier, and now I can barely move it. What's even more unfortunate is that it is my jerking off arm and with the overall craziness and pain I've endured already this day, jerking off seemed like a good idea. Not wanting to ruin the opportunity, I'll decide to use my right hand instead. Well, with three busted fingers and a lack of practice with the off-hand, I'll do something terribly wrong, causing me exceptional pain, and the eventual gangreen formation on my right nut.

Yep, I love these holiday weekends. Enjoy yours everyone.

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