Wednesday, September 06, 2006

OC's Finest

As I mentioned in the last post, I made it to Ocean City just after 1 AM on Saturday morning after a disasterously long drive. Given the time, and the fact that I worked outside in the pouring rain that day, we didn't really do much of anything that night, aside from shoot the shit and have a few drinks. Not what you'd consider a crazy night at the beach, but hey, I'm out of practice. On to the real Saturday.

I roll out of bed mid-morning and after a quick breakfast, we head out to grab some booze. It's still pouring rain, so the beach is out of the question. Looks like it's gonna be a day of getting tanked inside while playing board games. When in Rome, my friends...when in Rome. We didn't bring any games, so we headed to a thrift store called Roses to hopefully find some. Unfortunately, all we found was a store that looked like it was going out of business, clothes strewn about on shelves, and about 40 cases of head lice. Of course, they didn't have any more games in we bolted out of there and thankfully found a toy store at a mall a couple blocks away.

Being at the beach, I decided to go with the oh so festive Margarita on the Rocks and proceeded to pound those for much of the afternoon as we played Yahtzee, Scrabble, and a card game Rick's girlfriend taught us. You ever notice how when someone "teaches" you a new card game, they magically end up winning at that game. I mean, she pulled some backwards rules out of her ass right from the get go. "Yeah, I just cut the deck perfectly to deal out all the cards, so I get -50 points to start." Uh...what??!!! Uh...whatever...I'm at the beach, and I'm drinking. (I know some of my readers are shocked because I take board games very seriously...apparently I have been reconditioned once again)

The afternoon flies by, a couple of girls that work with Rick and were also around came by for a bit, and then we decided it was time to leave the confines of the room and head out for dinner and bar scenery. This is where things get ugly.

After a pretty good Italian dinner, we roll up into Fager's Island bar (yeah, I know) and proceed to get things rolling with a round of shots. Had we not been drinking all day, this might have been a good idea.

Let the onslaught of stupidity begin:

Within moments, we have found what can only be described as a stripper pole in the corner, and Rick's girlfriend, and the other two random girls from before (who magically appeared amidst my blackout) begin dancing around it. It doesn't take long for other random girls to pick up on this and we've got an overpacked dancing area on our hands. A few minutes later, we have our first casualty as a girl looks over at me, smiles, and then proceeds to fall flat on her back next to me. I help her up, and then proceed to do the classy thing...whip out my digital camera and take a picture of her as she stumbles away. I'm all class.

With that comedy behind us, enter a "larger" girl to the dancing area. Her and the rest of her herd begin pushing Rick's girlfriend off the stage, and that can't be good news for them given the amount of alcohol we've had thusfar today. Within seconds, Rick is informing them that there is a specific height and weight limit for the stage and they have exceeded both. They storm off in disgust and proceed to give Rick the finger during their departure and for several minutes after that. Apparently, classiness runs in my circle of friends.

But what about Rick's buddy...he hasn't offended anyone yet? Oh, just you wait. Moments later, we take a walk around the bar and pass by a large bachelorette party, doing what all bachelorette parties do...selling stupid candies and no chance of scoring. Rick's girlfriend tries to help the cause for us single guys by pulling one of the girls over to talk with us, and that conversation lasts about this long.

Her: Hi

Rick's Buddy: Did you have a ham and egg biscuit for breakfast? (apparently a reference to how short her skirt was, but bizarrely funny even if you don't understand it)

Her: (blank look...running away quickly)

We're all class...gonna be a good night. But what more could happen?

Rick ends up buying 5 lollipops from the bachelorette and starting a giant party for everyone within pointing distance as he's handing out orders (which were written on cards you got with the lollipop and that members of the party must do) including giving Mr. Ham and Egg a shot to drink with a fatty, and me a girl writing her name on my chest in lipstick. Wouldn't you guess her name was AMY? I whipped out the camera regardless and continued documenting what would soon be forgotten anyway. Now, on to the dance floor.

Decent music is playing and I'm in my own little world at this point, until a girl who I think looked sort of like Selma Blair, and was even more shitfaced than me stumbled my way. I don't know how or why, but the next thing you know, I'm dancing with this girl....well, carrying her and avoiding falling would be the best description. I think I'm getting dirty looks from people around me because I'm with the "drunk chick," but when a random girl rolls up to you after you've been 'without' for your longest spell since high school, and she's trying to kiss you and grab your wang right there, and you've been drinking all tell me what you'd do.

What I did...was pass her off to someone else. Yeah. I know. But hey, I don't have herpes as I'm writing this (well...I don't think I do??) and I'm not sure I could say that if I had dragged her home. I mean, this is Ocean City we're talking about.

Things get really hazy at this point, but we regroup at the front of a concert stage as a cover band begins playing. The music is pretty good, though all I remember is 'Enter Sandman' playing while strobes went off and confetti fell from the sky. They finished their set, and the crowd cleared as the hip-hop music began pumping again. I'm not sure how what happened next got started, but apparently the stupidity meter had one more setting it could be raised to...and here's my best description of how this went down.

Like a scene from the Wild West, the prairie is clear as the crowd disperses leaving just Rick's girlfriend and myself standing there amidst the blowing tumbleweed (confetti...what's the difference) and a little Justin Timberlake pumping. Oh yeah, it's on. Yes, my friends...a dance off. Several minutes and maybe three songs later, and this bout is over. She just got served. I told you I was bringing sexy back. And that's a good way to end an evening.

You can't really follow up a night like that with any sort of story, so I feel my trip to the actual beach on Sunday would best be described by these two pictures of what surrounded us.

Yeah, you gotta love OC.

1 comment:

The J Man said...

OK, so it seems Rick's girlfriend did not agree with how the story went down and decided to send me "the alternate ending." So, since all of you bought the DVD version, here you go:

...Yes, my friends...a dance off. Several minutes and maybe three songs later, and this bout is over. She brought sexy back like I've never seen. She had the best
moves in da club! All eyes were on her...sliding her heels through the confetti...she was a combination of Stiffler and the gay guy from American Wedding. It was almost as if the dance floor cleared and we looked at each
other like "Shall we Dance" and then the "Dirty Dancing" (probably from the alchohol) started and she totally "Served" me. Good thing she "Saved the Last Dance" to show me up in front of all the wasted chicks!!!

Thankfully, as the director, my version is the one that went to the theaters.