Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Here's a breakdown

of the disaster that was Vegas '06 - NCAA Sweet Sixteen. I may have missed or blacked out some of the events, but perhaps some things are better left forgotten. Enjoy:

-We arrived at the airport at 9:30 PM, and the four of us are already pretty shitfaced after providing our own beverages during the flight (not sure if that's legal?). I checked my bag, which drew rave reviews from the other guys as we had to wait for it, but I wasn't about to carry that shit around with me all day.
-After a quick cab ride, we're at the Mandalay Bay and the room situation is squared away. It's off to the tables. I should have protested playing at these tables since they have the immediate autoshuffler (not even a full shoe before it shuffles), which I never seem to do well on, but unfortunately I was too drunk to care. And that's where the problems began.
-After floating at one table with my initial $200 for a while, I switched tables to play with some of the other guys. The bad news is that I colored out and with only two black chips ($100 each), I felt it was in my best interests to bet one of them on my first hand at the new table. Unfortunately, I won. Yes, I said "Unfortunately, I won". You see if I had lost, perhaps my drunken mind would have seen the error of this bet and stopped me early. Sadly, this was not the case and soon I was down $600. Did I mention that a pimp came down and sat next to me at the table and referred to the black chips as the "Soul Brother Chips?"
-I left the table in disgust and went over to the craps area with Bristow, who gave me a quick lesson. After watching for a while, I joined in. With the help of the dealers (who were pretty nice, so I was tipping well), I won back about $220 of the blackjack money I had lost...and called it a night at 4:30 AM (nearly 24 hours after I had woken up that day)

-For some reason, waking up at 8 AM seemed OK, and after a shower and a trip to McDonald's, it was time to wander the strip. We walked to New York, New York and had a round of beers at the ESPNZone and then walked a little further down to the Monte Carlo to look for nice cheap blackjack tables. We found a $5 table but it only slowed the losing, as we were all down soon enough. A second day of transitioning to craps saved the afternoon and it was back to the Mandalay Bay and House of Blues for some grub. Everything is still going pretty smoothly, nothing too crazy to speak of.
-And then something really weird happens. I really won't go into details because it may cause one of my readers to curl up in a ball and cry, so I'll just leave it at this. TWO DRAGONS!
-After wandering out of this debacle, things only headed down hill, and here's where I'll just throw some quick notes at you.
  • We went to Aladdin to play craps and soon I was being heckled by complete strangers thanks to the support of my friends, who didn't like my ability to throw winning dice.
  • We lucked out into having a friend who could get us into the Foundation Bar on the roof of the Mandalay Bay, so we headed up there for some drinks...and some Jager Bombs...and some more drinks...and another round of Jager Bombs...and then I excused myself and headed to the bathroom. Luckily, a false alarm but when I returned, my nearly full drink had disappeared. I asked the bartender what happened to it and she looked down the bar and saw a full drink a ways down. Had I been more sober, I would have realized that I had never stood at that part of the bar, and perhaps her shrugging as she handed it to me should have been my tip that bad times were to come. After a quick swig, I "informed" her that it was not my drink...but she was nice enough to pour me another one. Maybe she should have cut me off instead.
  • Fast forward to another blackjack table (why did I go in my state) where I changed in $200 more dollars and when I went to grab my stack of chips had them spill in front of me. What I didn't realize is that the stack was so tall that I didn't even grab all the chips and I accidently left $75 of it (3 quarter chips) sitting on the table, which promptly got dealt a losing hand. Maybe I should go to bed? NOPE
  • I find my buddies and we wander (truly the best word for this) around the Mandalay Bay wherein Eddo has two of the most ridiculous encounters of the trip.
  • A huge breasted latina woman walks by, to which Eddo states loud enough for all to hear, "Yeah, those aren't real" Of course, she hears this and comes right up to him, apparently pissed. A quick save by Pogue and Eddo is smoothing things out. Smoothing them out so well that the next thing I notice is that she is asking Eddo to feel her fake breasts and yelling at him for not squeezing them like a man. I swear it looked like he was testing out some new furniture, the way he turned to me and Pogue and nodded, "why yes, these do feel nice."
  • After this exchange, Eddo is beaming and when three ladies walk by, he asks them where they're heading off to. To which he got this reply, "I don't know, but you should go to bed." You know what, I think she's right...and I'm off to bed.
-I wake up in disgust, realizing that I am now down $1100 and still thinking back to the Two Dragons. There's only one way to make myself feel better...In and Out Burger.
-OK, I was wrong about that. Three days of drinking and eating garbage have caught up to me and the patrons of the Excalibur Casino bathroom paid the price after we walked back.
-Back to the tables...and we start with blackjack, where we get the casino to switch an empty table from $25 to $10, since we were going to fill the table. It is now 11:30 AM.
-The table is going pretty well for everyone but Eddo, who is down over $2000 on the trip and can't seem to catch a break. He is FAR from done though. The same can not be said for Mike, who has been sucking back Bud Lights like it is his job and has regressed to the brain capacity of a small infant. Here's Mike every five minutes: He has a twelve and takes a hit. He pulls a 3, so he takes a second hit. This time he pulls a 9, so the dealer jokingly covers the 3 to make it look like he has 21. Mike gets excited...then sadly disappointed when she shows him the 3 again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twenty times, I need to go to bed. This is a constant joke for the table as I turn to Mike and "disappear" by covering my face with my hands. It is now only 3 PM.
-I win a bit at this table, then move on to play some craps...where I lose it right back. We've spent way too long here and decide we should head back to the Mandalay Bay, after we eat a cheap dinner of Pizza Hut and Manchu Wok. It is now about 5:30 PM.
-Mike has gone to bed. Eddo is still playing blackjack at the same table. And Langley, Bristow, Pogue and I have regressed to the point that we are sitting in the corner of the Mandalay Bay bar, discussing who our black celebrity equivalent is. Here's what we came up with, with much debate: Me - Orlando Jones or Martin Lawrence; Langley - Biz Markie (he hates me for this one); Pogue - Bernie Mac; Bristow - Wesley Snipes (my suggestion) or Ving Rames or the guy who loses his starting running back position and Halle Berry to Omar Epps in "The Program."

This is what happens to you when you spend three days in Vegas. And Eddo is still sitting in the Excalibur playing blackjack.

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