Did we really need that?

Last night, I went to the mall for dinner around 8:30.  When I got there, I remembered that I had a couple paychecks that I hadn't had a chance to deposit.  (It's the Summer...I don't have a lot of free time, and I have no free time when banks are open).  There's a Capital One bank with ATM machines there, so I grabbed by paychecks, as well as another check I had, and made a plan to deposit them after dinner.

So, it's around 9:30 when I finally make it to the bank.  It's obviously closed, but the ATMs are still open, so I figure I'll just fill out a deposit slip and put the checks in the envelope at the ATM.

I head right for the little table and start filling out the deposit slip when Danielle sees a sign on the ATM that you don't need to do it that way anymore.

You see, in my day, we told the ATM how much money we were depositing.  Then we put that money in an envelope and the machine processed the deposit.  However, now we're apparently in this amazing future world where instead, I just put a stack of checks in the ATM machine, it scans them, and tells me how much they add up to, then I confirm the deposit, and a new generation of people that don't know how to add on their own can be created.

So, my first impression is "Wow, that's awesome.  It's the future!!"

Then I put my stack of checks in, the machine sputters for a bit, then returns them and says that it can't make the deposit at this time.

Perhaps, a minute later is when this stupid POS will start doing its job, so I try it again.  Sputter, delay, returned checks and another slip saying it can't make the deposit.

"Maybe it can't read them?  Maybe just try one" Danielle suggests.

Makes sense, let's give it a try.  Or maybe it's just this machine.  I'll try the other one, since there's another machine right next to it.

So, I go through the whole process again, which includes inserting my ATM card, entering my PIN, pressing the button for 'deposit', then 'to checking', the 'confirm' that I'm ready to insert my checks.  This time I only put in one check. 

Again, it sputters.  Then I get this error message:

"We are unable to return your check at this time."

Then the machine goes black.

I'm not even shitting you.  This seriously happened.

I was not on TV.  No wacky host jumped out to tell me I was punked.  No horns went off that I was the big winner of some bizarre ATM game. 

Nope, the machine took my check, told me to go fuck myself, and went to sleep for the night.

So, I'm left without a check.  Without a receipt of any sort stating that it took my check.  And no indication whether it actually counted the deposit.

I ended up having to insert my ATM card three times, enter my PIN three times, push the series of buttons to choose a deposit three times, and the super scanner failed all three times.

Technology...you suck.  And did we really even need that?

Painting a Nursery

You ever see those lovely commercials, where a husband and wife are playfully and lovingly painting a nursery for their soon-to-be new arrival.  Well, here's the reality:

• Your wife is not gonna be there, because the fumes from the paint are "harmful to the baby."
• It's gonna be like 100 degrees in the room because it's hot out and you need the windows open, plus there's no blinds because you needed to remove them in order to paint.
• Because it's so hot, you're only wearing a pair of shorts, but you're still sweating your ass off
• Paint is getting everywhere because the roller spits little mists of paint all over your hand and face.  And somehow you got paint on your toes, and left a bunch of marks on the floor?
• You know after covering half a wall that you're going to have to put on at least a second coat, which means when you're "done", you're at best halfway there.
• You're already 3/4 of the way through the only can of paint your wife bought you and you're still not done with the first coat, so guess who's going to Home Depot...on a Sunday...to get more.
• And after you complete all of this painstaking labor, you know the little jerk is gonna piss, shit, and draw all over the walls in crayons or something all before he's three years old.

Where's that commercial, Behr???

Top 10: Having a Baby

My posts have been few and far between over the past couple years, but I'm hoping that as a journal to myself and other expectant fathers, to be posting more over the next year or so.  And yes, you read that right, the J-Man is expecting a little baby boy in August. 

So, in light of this incredible news and some changes around the house that I've been noticing, I give you a new Top 10 List.

The Top 10 Way You Know You're About to Become a Dad
10.  A "crib" is no longer a cool term for your house.
9.  The 20% Off coupons you get from Bed, Bath, and Beyond in the mail are now like gold, to be treasured.
8.  You even know that the Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons work at Buy Buy Baby
7.  After years of praying, your wife's boobs, are in fact, growing
6.  Instead of glancing at the attractive woman pushing a stroller at the mall, you're looking at the stroller to see which kind it is.
5.  You know that Graco and Chicco are not new late night hot spots.
4.  Your wife has gone from not farting in front of you, to telling you that she hasn't pooped in four days.
3.  A sonogram picture is your facebook profile picture...wait, no, please don't ever do this.
2.  You know EXACTLY when your wife's last menstrual period was.
1.  It's Saturday afternoon, your wife is out of town, your friends are at a bar watching sports, and you're painting a nursery.

And now, back to painting.  Ugh.

A New Era

So, while starting this blog back when I did was a bit ahead of the curve, I have finally crumbled under all the talk and jumped on the backside of the curve that is Twitter.

I'm not really sure exactly how it works right now, but I made my first tweet, complaining about how they put "Washington" into songs on the local radio stations. It truly irritates me, and while I'm actually a big fan of "The Good Life" by OneRepublic, I find myself shutting off the song when it comes on the radio because I know they really don't have "friends in Washington", they're in LA...and I'm fine with that. Don't change the song, radio stations. It's stupid.

But I digress, back to the point at hand.

So, since I have found myself becoming more and more lazy when it comes to writing full blog posts, perhaps my future is in writing little tidbits about the stuff that cross my mind, right when it crosses my mind. My hope is to get something along the lines of my "Brain Farts" but broken down into individual one liners. We'll see.

For those that know how to use twitter, I'll try to hashtag some of my funnier ones, and probably some of my not-so-funny ones as well, with #dirtyfilter or #brainfarts. And when I'm just bitching, like the radio thing, I put #angryjew.

It's a new era, I tell you. Let's see how long this one lasts. I even put a link button the site.
#thishasepicfailwrittenalloverit