So, it is 10:44 PM on Monday night, and I just took a shower on this glorious Memorial Day evening. The last shower that I took was on Saturday at approximately 3:30 PM. Since that time, I did the following tasks:
1. Played video games
2. Masturbated
3. Participated in a beer pong tournament
4. Took the metro
5. Walked from the Woodley Park metro stop to Adam's Mill
6. Participated in multiple games of flip cup
7. Danced...poorly
8. Hailed a cab
9. Watched my cabbie get pulled over by a cop at the Grosvenor Metro, after he dropped us off, while I drove past him, thoroughly intoxicated
10. Passed out
11. Drove to my parents' house to drop off my dog
12. Filled my car with gas
13. Ate a chili cheese Big Bite at 8:30 AM (yes, seriously)
14. Drove to Ohiopyle, PA with three women (thankfully I did not fill my car with gas a second time, if you know what I mean)
15. Put on a random life jacket and helmet
16. White water rafted for 2 hours
17. Ate a sandwich on a rock by a river
18. White water rafted for another 2 hours
19. Set up a tent
20. Played ladder golf (you know, that game with the three bars that you throw nunchucks at)
21. Peed in the woods
22. Grilled burgers, hot dogs and chicken
23. Shat in a port-a-john
24. Sat by a camp fire
25. Slept in a sleeping bag in a tent
26. Drove to West Newton, PA to visit with Danielle's family
27. Held Danielle's 3-month old niece
28. Ate another sandwich
29. Drove to Breezewood, PA where I stopped at KFC and got 3 chicken strips
30. Slept while Danielle drove to Hagerstown, MD
31. Went shopping at the outlet mall and bought some shirts at Banana Republic and Guess
32. Filled my car with gas again, and got a car wash with it
33. Drove to the Safeway in Germantown, MD to pick up some groceries
34. Drove to my parents' house to get Chloe
36. Finally arrived back at home in Rockville, MD
37. Unpacked my car
38. Washed the clothes I had worn to go white water rafting and camping
39. Made and ate pasta salad, and pineapple dipped in chocolate caramel fondue we had leftover from Friday
So, I would have to say it was a very successful Memorial Day weekend. However, if I contract some bizarre disease over the next few days, please print out and provide this information to my doctor in case I am unable to speak and/or communicate.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Top 10: You Might Be a Douchebag
So, today, Danielle and I went to Tysons Corner mall so she could do some shopping. As we wandered around the mall, I couldn't help noticing how much all of the men's clothing stores seem to be selling clothing that would make you look like a douche. Is this the new look going into the 2010s? In any case, it got the two of us to talking about what really classifies someone as a douche. And so after some thought, along the lines of 'You Might Be a Redneck', I present to you the:
Top 10 Ways To Tell You Might Be A Douchebag
10a. You intentionally wear pink: There are about 1000 different colors available out there, I think you can do without this one.
10b. And you pop your collar: Are you protecting your neck from harmful UV rays?
9. You wear a trucker cap sideways: So you'll protect your neck from the sun, but only one side of your face. Huh?
8. You update your facebook status to tell everyone about all the "awesome" things you're up to throughout your day: We get it, you're windsurfing with Kate Beckingsale while I'm sitting at my desk at work. You are awesome, I am pathetic.
7. You make less than $30,000 a year, but still drive a BMW: It's just not that impressive when you drive your 7-series back to your home at your parent's house.
6. You write a blog that virtually no one reads: I thought I'd beat all you wiseasses to this one.
5. You root for the Lakers, Celtics, Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys or Patriots even though you have absolutely no affiliation to any of the home states: Why are you a fan again?
4. You cheer outloud like you did something amazing after you finish a jagerbomb: Uh, what's the big deal? Are we supposed to be impressed? It tastes like...candy.
3. You only drink coffee if it's from Starbucks: Everything about Starbucks screams douche, but if this is the only place you'll have coffee, you probably have your pink shirt collar up and your crooked hat on too...don't you?
2. You wear underarmour shirts even when you're not doing something athletic: Is it really necessary to have added wicking action when you're going to Starbucks?
1. The amount of hair gel you put in your hair exceeds the amount of semen you will put in a woman later that night: I actually read this one on another site, so props to that guy. Nothing screams douchebag like all that hairgel. "Fucking skanks!"
Top 10 Ways To Tell You Might Be A Douchebag
10a. You intentionally wear pink: There are about 1000 different colors available out there, I think you can do without this one.
10b. And you pop your collar: Are you protecting your neck from harmful UV rays?
9. You wear a trucker cap sideways: So you'll protect your neck from the sun, but only one side of your face. Huh?
8. You update your facebook status to tell everyone about all the "awesome" things you're up to throughout your day: We get it, you're windsurfing with Kate Beckingsale while I'm sitting at my desk at work. You are awesome, I am pathetic.
7. You make less than $30,000 a year, but still drive a BMW: It's just not that impressive when you drive your 7-series back to your home at your parent's house.
6. You write a blog that virtually no one reads: I thought I'd beat all you wiseasses to this one.
5. You root for the Lakers, Celtics, Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys or Patriots even though you have absolutely no affiliation to any of the home states: Why are you a fan again?
4. You cheer outloud like you did something amazing after you finish a jagerbomb: Uh, what's the big deal? Are we supposed to be impressed? It tastes like...candy.
3. You only drink coffee if it's from Starbucks: Everything about Starbucks screams douche, but if this is the only place you'll have coffee, you probably have your pink shirt collar up and your crooked hat on too...don't you?
2. You wear underarmour shirts even when you're not doing something athletic: Is it really necessary to have added wicking action when you're going to Starbucks?
1. The amount of hair gel you put in your hair exceeds the amount of semen you will put in a woman later that night: I actually read this one on another site, so props to that guy. Nothing screams douchebag like all that hairgel. "Fucking skanks!"
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