Monday, March 30, 2009

Top 10 Worst Times to Have to Poop

So, last week I had the unfortunate pleasure of going up to Danielle's family's place in Western PA for the funeral of her grandfather, who passed two Saturdays ago. With any trip and especially those when you're visiting people you don't know all that well, a major concern always pops up: What if I have to poop at an inopportune moment?

Thankfully, my poop timer was in rare form this past week, allowing me to drop off the kids before my drive up there, make my second deposit the next day when I awoke and prior to the viewing, and dump the final load while her family handled the last of the final preparations after the funeral.

However, I have been unfortunate in many past situations, and upon further reflection on the subject after my most recent successful trip, I have now developed what I believe to be:

The Top 10 Worst Times to Have to Poop
10. When first arriving at a new location where you don't know the owner's of the house that well: It's always awkward meeting new people, but it's even worse when one of the first things you do is excuse yourself to go destroy their bathroom. I had the unfortunate pleasure of pulling this one off last Halloween when after a long drive through the mountains we arrived at Danielle's friend's cabin, and I needed to cut some fire wood.
9. While on an airplane: I have thankfully never had to pull this one off, but I have even more unfortunately been the victim of someone else unleashing this terror. It's a cramped space to begin with, you know everyone knows when you walked by, and when the smell permeates, everyone is looking for the oxygen masks to drop.
8. At the movies: It's bad enough that you just paid $14 to watch a movie, but if you have to leave in the middle of it to take a dump, it's a disaster. Good luck finding your seat again without being that douche who calls out his friend's name. And then filling in the gaps you missed is likely not going to be a quiet exchange.
7. At a job interview: Nothing says "hire me" like disappearing for a bathroom break in the midst of several critical first meetings and discussions. Or worse, you could try to fight through it, risk the possible farting, or suffer through the stomach pain.
6. On a first date: Much like the interview, nothing makes a first impression like an extended departure from the dinner table. Women have the prefabricated "freshening up" excuse, while every woman knows exactly what you were up to if you're gone for more than 5 minutes...and that usually doesn't segue well into a second date.
5. At the beach: Sure you can piss in the ocean, but taking a dump is a whole different puzzle. Having no desire to even attempt this, you're forced to make the hot dash up the sand, possibly packing up your towels and stuff so they don't get stolen, only to walk a couple blocks (it's rare I stay on the beach) back to wherever I can safely release. And then if your slightly damp from the ocean, cleanup is a disaster. Plus the sand...don't get me started.
4. Stuck in traffic: You're in your car. There's no where to go. And there's literally no where to go. At least you're not moving around and can try to keep focus on not shitting yourself as you slowly creep along.
3. On the metro: This one falls along the same lines as the traffic, but it adds an extra degree of difficulty. For one, you're with a bunch of people. And second, you're gonna have to walk around long before you'll be anywhere near a usable bathroom. I was in this unfortunate situation one time, developed the urge around Metro Center, suffered through til the Bethesda metro stop, where my car was parked, and by the time that I made my way through the crowd, up the long ass escalator and to the parking garage where my car was parked, I had already made the mental decision that if necessary, I would shit my pants, remove my underwear, and throw it on the ground in the parking garage, driving home commando style. Thankfully, I fought through and made it home, with only intense pain and sweating (yes, sweating) as my casualty, underwear still in check.
2. While playing a sport - Imagine getting all your football gear on, hearing the cheer of the crowd as you storm onto the field, and then dealing with the pain in your bowels as you are forced to withstand an entire half before any chance of shitting will arise. Oh yeah, and you need to run as fast as you can, and there's a great chance someone is going to collide with you. Not good times.
1. At an outdoor festival - If you have any doubts that this is the number one worst place to poop, I dare you to go to Shamrock Fest next year, wait in the ridiculous lines for the port a johns, listening to the drunks heckle anyone who takes more than 2 minutes to get out, and then feast your eyes on what is in the bowl once you enter the coffin of feces. Thankfully, I have never had to experience this. I hope I never do.

No comments: