Thursday, April 10, 2008

Holding the Bag

So the weather is getting nicer and with that comes my increased desire to walk my dog. She gets super crazy when I even get near the table where her leash is, so you can imagine the excitement when I actually grab it and say the four letter word...SHIT. No, just kidding, it's sick bastards. Anyway, the other day I decided to take Chloe for a walk across Tuckerman over to the Gables where both my brothers now live.

Crossing Tuckerman is always a chore, and of course, this particular day is no different. I make it to the island in the middle and the next guy sees us waiting there so he stops. I've seen a teenage girl get nailed by a car crossing the street (it's on another blog, and wasn't a funny one in the slightest) so we're a bit hesitant to start across the street even with this guy's nice gesture.

Sure enough, the jackass two behind him doesn't like the unexpected stop and (illegally) pulls sharply out from behind him to the right lane and speeds through the crosswalk. The guy who had stopped lays on the horn at this jackass, but he's oblivious to his obvious violation. Thankfully, I didn't expect any better.

The road is now clear, so Chloe and I run across and she proceeds to take a dump on the hill right next to the park, which tends to be her go to spot every time we take a walk. Whenever I pass people with dogs and see them pick up poop in a bag, I laugh, but sadly, I am now playing the role of poop grabber, which is not a pleasant place to be. I don't even touch my own shit, and here I am picking up crap from my dog's ass...I've seen what she eats, this is not cool. Why do I put myself through this? But it's gonna get worse. I do the old "bag inside out and tie off" routine and then walk over to the trash can by the fields to make the deposit, and we continue on our walk.

We walk another 10-15 minutes and are now on Sugarbush Lane, with another dog and its owner walking on the other side of the street. We approach the community pool and "Poop Machine" Chloe decides that it's time to make a second pile. What the fuck!!?? I only bring one bag when we go on walks and one poop grabbing is more than enough for me in a 24 hour period, so I'm not happy about this exchange. I make this known verbally, as I have no more bags and am anticipating a poop and run when I see the old lady and her dog looking over at us, waiting, watching, stalking. She wants to see some poop grabbing, and I know she's the type that's gonna make a scene if we bolt.

So, here I am, pile o' poop in the grass, Chloe feeling pretty good about herself, and me standing there without a bag. I check my pockets and am somewhat (but not too much) pleased to find two tissues that I have been carrying around during this whole swollen eye routine. Yep, I'm gonna have to do this. I've got an audience and my back's against the wall.

I put the tissues in my hand and reach down to grab the crap. I'm about to puke from the pure filthiness and warmth of this task, and am ready to run for the clubhouse to dump the dump in the a trashcan...and wouldn't you know it.

Right at this moment, a lady and her two teenage daughters(?) pull up in their car and want to ask me for directions. Are you kidding me??!! Well, I'm not kidding you. Standing there, with several logs of dog crap in my hand nuzzled within two tissues, I am telling this lady where the park on Gloxinia Road is. Apparently, she did not see the grave look of horror on my face, as she asks me to repeat my directions before I run towards the clubhouse, make the deposit, and thank god that I didn't puke all over the place.

And wouldn't you guess it, Chloe doesn't want to go in this direction so amongst her struggling, she finds a way to riggle free from her collar completely and stands there, uncollared, before running away from me, forcing me to chase her down and yell at her in order to get her to stop and get her collar back on.

And why do I walk this dog again???!!!

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