He's Alive

After a prolonged hiatus, I have returned to bore you with countless painful stories and commentary. I hope everyone had a pleasant Thanksgiving holiday...or perhaps you had one more like mine:

TUESDAY
Amy's family is flying in from Colorado for a 5 night stay at casa de J-man, and I'm on call to go pick them up at the airport. This wouldn't normally be an issue, but they are coming into BWI at 6 PM...right in the heart of rush hour. Great planning. Amy escapes from work at the last minute to join me on my blissful 1 hour 45 minute drive up to BWI to pick them up. What are my thanks for this journey and the ensuing return trip...Amy yells at me because my breath stinks while we're waiting for them at the airport. You try sitting in a car for that long and see how good your breath smells.

WEDNESDAY
More drama as I decide I really don't feel like meeting Amy and her family for lunch. Bad idea. After getting hung up on twice and then not being able to get through to Amy's cell phone, I return home to an awkward exchange before heading out for Chili's with them. And what better way to cap off the afternoon than taking her parents (by myself, she had to go back to work) to go see Harry Potter. But wait J-man...didn't you already see Harry Potter on opening day?? Yep, and I was tricked into this one by the thoughts that the IMAX version was showing at Rio Cinema. Still a good movie, even the second time around. (Yes, I just bought myself a pocket protector)

THURSDAY
Sweet turkey day!! This is the second year that we have had Thanksgiving at my place, and this year was to be the biggest Thanksgiving gathering in quite some time...14 people in all. The crew included my parents, my younger brother Kevin, my grandmother, my loud, Jewish princess, New Jersey born and raised, ballroom dance crazed aunt (I could write a whole blog about her, but you'd probably all throw up in your mouth after the first two paragraphs), Amy's parents, and a random (well, Amy knew them) family of five that Amy invited over. Now there's really too much to write it all as a part of this blog, so let me hit the highlights and maybe I'll write up the other stuff in a separate blog later.

THANKSGIVING HIGHLIGHTS

• Amy's step dad knows absolutely no one and therefore stays in the living room watching football the whole time
• My dad is a grumpy old man and therefore stays in the living room watching football the whole time
• My dog has to go outside 6 times during the day and still pisses on the floor
• The family of five consisted of a 2 year old boy, a 4 year old boy, and an 8 year old girl. Obviously, I had to mock the toys that they brought with them and show them my impressive collection of Gameboy games, Playstation games, Transformers, GI Joes, WWF action figures and M.U.S.C.L.E.S. (oh, yeah. I still had those pink little bastards too). I would have to say that 'they got served'.
• Amy gets nauseous midway through all the cooking and puked about 3 times
• Amy's mom shuts off the oven the turkey was in, after pulling bread sticks out of the second oven. Of course, we didn't notice this until 45 minutes later when I noticed that the turkey didn't look much different and the oven wasn't very hot.
• The smoke alarm went off three times, as the juices from the turkey overflowed into the oven and caught on fire.
• My brother, mother and grandmother up and left before dinner to go let out my brother's girlfriend's dogs at her parents place 30 minutes from my house...like they needed 3 people to do that
• My aunt grabbed the cat and locked herself and the cat in my bedroom for 1/2 hour...then she yelled at me because the kids were too loud for the cat
• And I drank...alot.
• Like you wouldn't have?

FRIDAY

When will this week end? Amy leaves me home alone all day with her step-dad and he stays upstairs working on her computer while I watch Tivo in my basement. Unfortunately, Amy and her mom don't make it back from shopping before my football game, so guess who's coming with me? Amy and her mom show up for the game too, and of course this is the game where three fights break out, including my brother getting elbowed in the nuts and one of our guys getting ejected. Classy.

This night also happens to be my 10 year high school reunion. There was much internal debate as to whether I wanted to go and ultimately I came to this conclusion:

"I haven't missed you for 10 years, what's another 10?"

Plus, I got punched in the face at my game and have a cut on my lip which looks more like a herpes sore. Always a great conversation starter:

"Been 10 years, how have you been, J-man?"

"Never been better...now that I found Valtrex."

SATURDAY

Nothing says Thanksgiving weekend like a day trip to Atlantic City with your girlfriend's parents. The bad part is: 3 hours in a tight car together. The good part is: 5 hours of gambling all by myself.

After sitting at the same blackjack table for 5 hours, sucking down around 12 Captain & Cokes and making numerous Asian friends, I stood up from the table with the exact same amount of money that I sat down with. Guess I can't complain. Oh, wait. Yes I can, here comes another 3 hours in the tight car.

SUNDAY

Ahhh, my sanctuary. NFL Sunday with my buddies at Union Jack's in Bethesda. Nothing can spoil this. What??!!! Amy invited her stepdad to go with me??!!! And then made plans to have dinner at my parents' house at 5:30 PM!

HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING THANKSGIVING!!