Brain Farts 5

I've got a couple quick stories to share and since no of them is especially in depth, I present to you my 5th installment of Brain Farts...not quite the whole shit, but still pretty amusing.

• The bad luck continued as some guys came by today to clean my gutters, since they saw they were really clogged while they were working next door. After getting up there to clean them out, they noticed that some of the wood that the gutters are attached to had rotted and the nails were popping out. Luckily, they would just need to drive new nails into the unrotted sections of wood. But wait, the caulking was also bad and needed to be redone. Sweet...here's $175. We're now up to $1919 for the bad luck streak. (The other four is from another poker loss yesterday afternoon)

• Yesterday, while walking home from Adam's Morgan after a night of drinking, I came up with a brilliant idea for my buddy Scott's bachelor party in NYC, which is in three weeks. Mind you, I was drunk when I thought of this, so bear with me. He will partake in a "scavenger hunt" that will include things such as carrying open condoms, naked pictures from a porn magazine, and other dumb stuff. This will not actually be scavenged for, this is merely to give some credibility to the real goal...seeing boobs and butts. Now that he has "completed" these portions of the scavenger hunt, all that remains is....having his picture taken next to a pair of random boobs and buttcheeks. Having seen a bachelorette party do the opposite thing, I feel we might have a chance. And the key is, we're not going to set a clear number of boobs and/or buttcheeks that must be photographed, though I'm thinking the total may be somewhere around the 0 range, though we may get a few pictures of my buddy getting slapped, which might be just as good. Uh, no. No, it isn't.

• When I arrived home last night, my girlfriend was still out following the bridal shower for her co-worker, Crystal. So I decided to fry myself up some chicken fingers since I wouldn't be disturbing anybody (hot oil + drunken person = good times). Thankfully, I did not burn the place down...only the roof of my mouth. However, when Amy and her gay co-worker arrived back at our place, I had this classic exchange.

Me: So what did you do tonight babe? (slurring, more than likely)

Amy: We finished dinner and then headed to Crystal's place since some of the people were being lame and didn't want to go out.

Me: Really, why not?

Amy: They were just complaining that they were tired and wanted to just go home.

Me: That shit is gay!

-Awkward silence-

Me: Woops. Uh, sorry Sean.

Bad Luck Continues

Well, the bad luck streak has apparently stretched past the 24-hour period and I'm hoping that an end is near, or I'm gonna lose it.

I get to work this morning to find that my cell. phone has been shut off because somehow Sprint...together with Nextel...has botched our billing address somehow and we haven't gotten, and therefore haven't paid for the bill in two months. I love how they just shut off your service and force you to call them, rather than simply call you to request payment on an overdue invoice. Luckily, I'm back up now.

But merely an hour after this fiasco, my brother is outside trying to attach some automatic pool cover track to the top of one of our trucks and asks for my help. I go out to help him and after we hoist the track onto the roof rack, he decides to scale the back of the truck to get on top. Of course he does this by pointing his foot right onto the back window and pushing off to pull himself up...and in pops the window. FUCK!!

And I assume I failed to mention before that one of my other employees backed this same truck into the bottom of our warehouse garage door, tearing off the bottom of the wood, shattering a pane of glass in the door, causing us to call a repair company in to fix it. Of course, they came and fucked the door up even more, after replacing all the bearings, which didn't need to be fixed in the first place. So now I have a door with a broken spring (they broke it), a broken bottom panel (they broke the one that they brought to replace the one we broke), a new broken pane of glass (they broke it when the spring broke) and they haven't been back all week to fix this problem.

So I'm now without $1740 from poker and Infiniti, without cell. phone service, without a back window in one of my trucks, and without a functional bay door three weeks before the start of my busy season.

Did I mention I'm going to Vegas in two weeks?

A String of Bad Luck

Apparently, I walked under a ladder or broke a mirror sometime yesterday, because my luck has been absolutely horrible the last twenty four hours...though I hope it is just a 24 hour thing.

The bad luck began to show itself last night at my regular poker game. I hadn't been playing all that well, but I was holding my own through the first game when an opportunity arose where I could put one of the other guys all in. I took the shot and he called after the flop. We flipped our cards to show that I had a substantial lead and it would take some amazing luck...bad in my case, for him to pull this one out. Needless to say, I got cut in half on a terrible river card and scrambled to try and regroup.

I pulled together a couple good hands, but still sat with a significantly smaller stack than the others. My time had come to make a move, I had an ace and after the flop only crappy cards were showing. I made the bold all in move, hoping to take the first round's worth of betting and walk away, but the last guy to bet called me...with an 9-6 of hearts, with two hearts showing. I had the lead, but he was on a draw. Turn was not a heart or a pair for anyone...and then came the river...Ace of hearts. Truly a slap in the face card...and I was out.

More of the same in the second game, eventually getting beaten out by the same guy (Edwin, the Call Station). We both sat as the big and small blinds, and the flop came out 8-6-3, all different suits. I held the big blind special 8-6 off suit and figured there was no better time to go all in. Edwin promptly called (no shit) and flipped over 8-10 off suit. Turn was like a 7 and I called my own shot as the 10 flipped on the River and I went home...frightened by my extraordinary bad luck.

Thankfully, I did not get in a car accident or something on the way home, but I might as well have, as I took my car to the Infiniti dealer this morning to have my tires and brakes looked at, since the tires seemed worn and the brakes were kinda squeaking. And then I got the call...barely an hour ago.

"Mr. J-Man, it looks like you're gonna need new front brake pads and rotors, and all four of your tires need to be replaced. We'd also recommend an alignment with that. The total cost is gonna be about $1700 for all this work."

$1700!!!!!!

$1700!!!!!!

$1700!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess I should call my doctor now, so I can make an appointment for him to tell me I have cancer.

Say What?

Apparently, the whale in the arctic picture was a little too obscure for you guys last week, as none of the submitted captions were all that hilarious...so, I'm giving the nod to myself for the best caption. Perhaps things will be a bit better this time around. Please submit your own captions in the comments section. Enjoy:

Another weekend without any pussy.

Toss the Cap

With the NFL (and especially the Redskins) on the verge of a player cutting disaster, as teams over the salary cap are forced to cut veterans and quality players to get on the good side again, I asked myself this simple question: Why does the NFL have a salary cap?

I understand the logic around a salary cap and the idea that by keeping all the teams at approximately the same financial level, even the smaller market teams can compete each and every year. One can only look at baseball as a prime example of a league where the lack of a salary cap has made many teams (Milwaukee, Tampa Bay, Kansas City) nearly unwatchable. However, is football really that similar to baseball?

When I think about football, I would consider it the closest thing to a true "team" sport you can find. With baseball, a dominant pitcher alone can dramatically change the outcome of a team's record. Basketball is even more skewed towards an individual. With football, however, I really don't feel that that is necessarily the case. Obviously, better players are going to make a team more "skilled", but the Patriots and Steelers have proven that it is not necessarily about having the best players to be the Super Bowl Champion. On the other side of that coin, the Redskins under their first few years with Dan Snyder signed the "best" players and fell right on their face.

The point I am getting at is that each team consists of 22 players (more than baseball, hockey, and basketball) who must all work together to form a cohesive unit in order to succeed. Skill is important, but teamwork and communication is even more key. In addition to that, one must also look into the length of the schedule.

For basketball, baseball and hockey, you have significantly longer seasons. It doesn't take a genious to figure out that over a longer season, the more talented teams are going to rise to the top. Yes, a less talented team can beat them once or twice, but not 5-10 times. With football, you get 16 games total, and every one of them is important...just ask the Chargers and Chiefs. If the Royals played in a 16 game season, I bet you they might be a playoff team every once and a while. Check the standings on April 20 and see who's going to the playoffs. Hell, didn't the D-Rays beat the Yankees in the season series last year? And this isn't taking into consideration injuries.

So why do I mention these points? Simple. If the biggest drawback to an NFL without a salary cap is that teams (like the Redskins) would throw their big market money around and get all the best players, thus making certain teams non-competetive, I don't think that argument is valid.

But with no salary cap, the player's salaries would continue to rise to ridiculously high levels, what about that? Good for them. I don't know if any of you guys saw Any Given Sunday (I'm sure you all did), but the doctor hit the nail on the head in describing these guys. When an offensive lineman or a running back (plus the others) ends his career, he still has to go on living with the pain his career inflicting on him...for the rest of his life. I read an article that discussed the physics behind an NFL hit, and a direct comparison was falling off a 4 or 5 story building onto pavement or some shit like that...not sure about the facts, but it was bad. If someone is gonna put their body through that and go on living with pain and horrible arthritis all for other people's entertainment, shit, pay the man millions upon millions of dollars.

But the ticket prices would continue to rise, prohibiting the common family from attending a game, what about that? I always love this argument when people talk about all sports. Have you been to a game recently? It's already that way. Corporations and other businesses buy up all the good tickets, and even the crappy seats are over $20 each. That's why I go to Union Jack's to watch the games. Trust me, it's actually just as good of an experience...25% off burgers and appetizers!

So, I've vented my thoughts, I'm sure some of you guys are gonna disagree with me, and that's fine. But when guys such as long time Cowboy La'Roi Glover and long time Colt Edgerrin James, among others, are forced to change teams because of salary cap restrictions, something just ain't right. Toss the cap...they've got 3 more days, make it happen.

Front Row

In an unexpected turn of luck, the G-man was able to score front row tickets to tonight's Wizards-Pacers game, and I'm getting to go with him. Having only sat front row at a WWF event, I can only hope that a fat sumo wrestler will not tuck his sarong into a thong and slap his ass at us this time around. The odds are in my favor...I hope. I'll give a recap if anything exciting occurs. Thanks, G-man.

Throwback Saturday

When my older brother called me last Saturday to let me know that Davidson was actually on TV playing basketball, I had no idea that being able to watch my alma mater nearly blow a game live would begin what would be a true day of throwback moments.

As I mentioned, Davidson was out to a substantial lead most of the game, having never trailed at any point...until about 1:30 left in the game. Thankfully, a clutch block and three point bucket saved the seniors' final home game, though Davidson is left with only a 3rd place finish in the Southern Conference Regular Season and will require a tournament championship to play any games past this weekend.

Following the game, I got myself ready to head over to my buddy Dave's birthday at his fiance's house. Having dated his fiance, Mayumi, very briefly back in high school, I had been to her house once before, but that was over 10 years ago! (THROWBACK #2)

We arrive and the gathering begins with a variety of guests including Dave's college buddies, work colleagues, and family. Mind you, I haven't seen Dave's family in just as long as I've seen Mayumi's house, and when Dave's sister walks in, I only partially recognize her, leading to this awkward exchange:

Her: Jeff?
Me: (Who is this person? I know I recognize them) Hey, didn't you go to Whitman? (my HS)
Her: Jeff! I'm Dave's sister.
Me: Oh my god. Is my face red.

It all comes back to me and we have Throwback moment #3.

The evening at Dave's ends with a quality shot of tequila courtesy of Mayumi's stepdad, and Amy and I are off to drop her off before I head out to continue the drinking with Dave and the birthday crew.

Unsure as to when they would get down there, I call back my buddy G-Man, who had demanded I go out on Saturday night. Unfortunately, G-Man ends up being a big pussy (yeah, I said it!) and decides he doesn't want to go out since he went out on Friday, so I'm searching for a backup option...and it's already close to 11 PM (didn't want to disturb you Kupe, a la the night I wander around in G-town). And as if by an act of god, my phone rings and it is my younger brother, Kevin.

After some discussion, I decide I'm heading over to his place to head out with him and his friends to eventually meet up with Dave in Adam's Morgan. Things appear to be working out well and as I arrive at his place and see beirut already set up, things can only get better. You realize it's been like a year since I played beirut, and almost 3 years since I've played with my brother. And then there were 4 throwback moments.

We finish a few games and grab the metro. One of Kevin's friends has graciously made a roady of Cranberry and vodka and all is going well...that is until we start walking from the metro to Adam's Morgan. The beer and piss are filling up inside of me and I need to piss bad. I'm seeing salvation at the end of the bridge, where I usually go, and in anticipation the pee comes to the forefront. You know what I'm talking about, you know you're about to pee so it comes out of the dugout and gets right on deck, making you feel like you have to go with even more urgency. AND THERE'S A COP SITTING RIGHT THERE. Oh, I'm fucked. I am in physical pain now, as are my brother and his roommate, as we are shot down from the standard pee location. After a few hundred feet, I can't take it any more. I whip it out and proceed with the walking piss, a move I haven't used in almost 5 years. THROWBACK.

Unfortunately, some dude comes walking past us and I'm forced to duck into someone's sunken entrance to finish up. My bro has already begun tagging this area when I arrive, and we are both startled as the light turns on and a women yells at us, "Real classy, guys!" She was right, couldn't have said it better myself.

Onward to Dan's and the most horrible moment in my entire life. I've described Dan's in past posts, and most of you know the place anyway, so I'll spare you the setup. After we're there for a while and since I've broken the seal on the walk, I have to go to the bathroom. When I get to the door marked MEN, I smell the strong vile odor of stale urine and I know I'm in for trouble. I open the first door and the stench punches me right in the face as I stare down at a puddle of something on the floor...but I'm not in the bathroom yet, just the intermediate door. I trudge through the little stream and open the second door. Bad idea.

This time, the reak is so bad, it is basically 6'4" 250 and it ninja kicks me squaw in the gut. I can barely breath as I try to do my business and even pulling my shirt up over my face doesn't help. Screw washing my hands, I bolt from the pisser mid zip up, happy to still be alive. It was definitely the worst smell I have ever encountered in my life...and that's saying a lot considering I've pulled dead rotting animals out of pools after Winter's of decompisition. Yeah, I went there...and it was worse. Thankfully, this was not a throwback moment, and I hope I never a moment like that again.

But upon exiting Dan's and entering Roxanne's, I ran into six girls who also went to Davidson with me, including my sophomore roommate's fiance. After attempting to communicate with them for a few minutes (mind you I had the tequila shot, played beirut, and went to Dan's..talk about throwing back) I took off to meet back up with everyone who went in without me.

Barely able to stand, my night soon comes to an end, as Dave and I catch a cab to the metro. Dave enjoyed a nice moment of passing out on the ride to the White Flint stop, and we were both forced to run to the car, because it was like 10 degrees outside and the beer coat evidently stops working after 3 AM.

Just like the good old days...truly a nice throwback night.

Say What?

Some solid attempts at a caption last week...I gotta give the nod to Pogue for his contribution. Since I actually got some replies, I figured I'd bring it back again this week, so here is the second installment of "Say What?". Please add your own caption(s) in the Comments, you witty bastards.

Researchers in the North Pole were greatly discouraged when a routine dig accidentally hit Santa's septic tank.

J-Man goes to the Gym?

As I mentioned several weeks back, my brother got me to join Gold's Gym back in January and after a couple visits, I became deathly ill with the shits and such. The shitting has obviously subsided and I have regained my strength, so it was time to make some use out of the $30 I'll be forking over each month.

I've never been a big fan of gyms because I've always gotten the impression that it's just a place for dudes to try and prove who has the bigger wang, by strutting around in tank tops and weight belts, while striking a pose for all the ladies who are straddling the stationary bikes trying to peddle off the cottage cheese thighs they've developed since they landed that desk job. And then I thought, there can be no better place for comedy, and I'll keep myself in shape at the same time...what the hell.

So, last Wednesday, I began my first week of going to the gym, and though I don't feel any stronger at this point, the classic moments will continue to pile on like layers of muscle in my mind.

The first classic moment involved a guy, who I will call "Constipation Face." Now, old C-Face is up by the dumbbells doing your basic standing curl to work on the beach muscles. This is my shoulder workout day, so sadly I could not join C-Face in his routine, but I think I will add it to my repertoire for future visits. The key to his workout is to stand about 2 feet from the mirror, and really give yourself a solid stare down...you gotta psyche that guy out. Then, with a tremendous groan, you have to heave that dumbbell up while simultaneously giving yourself a "I could just as easily be sitting on the toilet" face contortion. I am well versed in this artform from the various times that I visit any friends or family that happen to have a mirror directly in front of the toilet. Yes, it's a bit odd at first, but after a while it's almost like watching an episode of Flavor of Love. I've only seen C-Face that one time, so hopefully he didn't give himself irreparable hemmoroidal flair up. I'll say a prayer for him.

A second moment came just two days ago, when I ended up going to the gym by myself and forgot my iPod. The music in the gym is usually good, but for some reason it was crappy that day, so I figured I'd just see what other people were up to. Luckily, there were two 5'6" Asian juicers working out next to me, so obviously something entertaining was bound to happen. And that's when they brought to me a new catch phrase, which I have been abusing for the last few days: "Good set!" They must have said it every 5 minutes and it was always accompanied with a head nod and a look around to see if anyone else noticed the 110 lb. dumbbells they were tossing up. Sadly, there were no women around, and therefore I began feeling increasingly awkward, and quickly moved onto a different exercise in a different area. I was done anyway...good set!

The comedy continued as I finished up my workout and heading back to my locker to change one day. I had been watching the USA-Latvia (or some shit) hockey game while I worked out on the nordic machine, and it had pretty much been 1-0 for the whole time I was watching. After grabbing a drink of water and sitting down by my locker, I heard the announcer for the game over the speakers in the locker room say that Latvia had scored again, and now lead 2-1?!! What?! I was pretty baffled, so I turned to the kid down the way from me and asked if Latvia had just scored two goals in like the last 2 minutes. He confirmed this debacle and I went back to changing while listening to the announcer. A few seconds later, another shot was taken and the announcer made it sound like a third goal, so I turned to the same guy and yelled, "what the hell..."

But something was different with the scene this time. Something terribly different. Something new had entered my field of vision. Yes, the same kid was there, but directly behind him (I'm talking 2 feet max.) stood an old naked man. How in the hell did this guy get over there and naked so quickly....and why is he standing so close to this other guy? I nearly bust out laughing and quickly turn back to my clothes to finish up. I knew this was common place, but it is still humorous to me because we are constantly joking about all the naked old men that our technicians run into at work, who are swimming when we arrive. Old men just enjoy being naked I guess. And this guy was out to prove it. Because I got dressed, got up and went over to the sink; washed my hands and fixed my hair, and this dude was still naked. But now he had moved to the center of the room and was looking at himself in the mirror. Dead center, for all to see. Classic old guy move. Classic gym move.

He didn't need the tank top and weight belt. He just whipped it out. Now, that's old school.

Finally...some baseball

With the end of the football season came the dreaded portion of the year that can best be described as "the worst two months of sports" or "the fantasy sports black hole". You see, no one should ever be involved in a fantasy basketball or hockey league, and especially not fantasy NASCAR or golf (Dave!), so that pretty much just leaves Football and Baseball. Thankfully, baseball takes up most of the year, and football picks up right as baseball is wrapping up...but then there's the gap.

And that gap has finally come to an end. My days of going onto the internet and having no sports news to care about (except Redskins offseason news, which is grim given their salary cap issues) are over. Today I drafted my first fantasy baseball team of the year.

You see, every year, I celebrate the reintroduction of baseball by signing up for a free Yahoo public fantasy baseball league, as soon as they are offered. I picked the earliest draft date I could find, and this morning at 10:30, I wasted an excellent hour and a half (which never happens in my other leagues) drafting my new squad. In two more weeks, I will painfully spend close to 7-9 hours having my keeper league auction, and when the stars align and all the owners can agree, I will even more painfully spend 5-7 hours drafting my league with my friends. Yes, three fantasy leagues. Two for money. It's about the only thing that makes me want to wake up in the morning during the Summer, when work is so hard I forget what day of the week it is. That's why I love it.

And with the completion of my first draft comes my first fantasy baseball commentary of the year. Am I an expert, worth reading? No, but we're in the "gap" what else do you have to read?

So here's what I ended up with:

C Rod Barajas, TEX: I grabbed this guy in the second to last round after I missed out on the top few quality catchers. This year I decided to treat catchers like I treat tight ends in fantasy football. If I don't grab one of the top 3, I'll pick one up at the end...because they're all crap after the top guys. I could have done worse. Barajas should be good for 20 HR playing in Texas.

1B Derek Lee, CHC: This is my first round pick. I ended up with the 7th overall pick, and I just couldn't pass up on him. He's continued to get better each year and last year, he was just silly.

2B Marcus Giles, ATL: I was very happy to grab this guy in the 5th round. Definitely a good value, especially since he plays second.

3B Melvin Mora, BAL: He slipped til late in the draft and I'm hoping he'll bounce back to the kind of stats he put up two years ago. I'm not holding my breath, but he's above average.

SS Jimmy Rollins, PHI: I love this guy and I was able to grab him in the 3rd round. He should provide me with the SB boost I need, even though he's no Jose Reyes.

OF Bobby Abreu, PHI: My second round pick. Not much to say here. He's always a 30-30 threat...plug and play.

OF Cliff Floyd, NYM: I don't know what it is about Floyd. I always seem to end up with him on my squads because everyone else is afraid of his injury risk. He served me well in my Yahoo League last year (which I won), so he deserves to return to at least one of my teams.

OF Preston Wilson, HOU: I swear he and Floyd are the same guy. He got a bad rap last year because he played in Washington, where everyone sucks. Hopefully the shift to Houston will help him out.

UT Richie Sexson, SEA: Another J-Man favorite. I can't go wrong with a 40-50 HR threat who has Ichiro batting in front of him.

SP John Lackey, LAA: Something had to give to provide me with a solid offense, but I feel OK with Lackey as my #1 starter. I'm definitely weak here, but he's a 200 K style pitcher on a good team, so he's got a high ceiling.

SP Doug Davis, MIL: Milwaukee has a really good pitching coach (see Capuano, Kolb and Turnbow) and Davis really flies under the radar for a 200 K possibility. I'd rather have him as my third or fourth starter, but we've already gone over that.

RP Brad Lidge, HOU: He's nasty. Plain and simple.

RP Trevor Hoffman, SD: He's getting older, but Petco is still a pitcher's park and that team is gonna keep winning in the NL West.

P Zach Duke, PIT: I'm not sold on this kid, but he was the best available when I took him. Hopefully, he keeps the magic from last year going.

P Oliver Perez, PIT: Two starting pitchers from the Pirates, that can't be good. He was solid two years ago and always has a good K/IP, so hopefully last year was a result of injuries.

P Ryan Dempster, CHC: I stole him late in the draft (sandwiched between Mike Mussina and Chris Ray) and I feel pretty happy with a Cubs closer as my third reliever when some of the teams have only one on their squad.

Bench:
Jonny Gomes, TB: He was decent last year as I had him in all my leagues at one point, so why not see if he can keep it up for those times when Floyd and Wilson are hurt.

Mike Jacobs, FLA: I accidentally took this guy thinking he was still eligible for catcher. Unfortunately, he's only a 1B, but there's really no one else on Florida except Cabrera, so someone's got to get RBI's

Kenny Rogers, DET: Yes, I took the gambler.

Daniel Cabrera, BAL: Leo Mazzone better be the pitching genius every makes him out to be, or it's gonna be a long year of me debating whether I should cut this guy with a sick K/IP.

Shawn Chacon, NYY: I had to grab a Yankee, my last pick of the draft.


Overall, I like my squad. Based on the other 11 teams, I'd put my squad around 3-5, with the chance at the title if some of these pitchers put it all together.

Say What?

I am thinking about adding a new recurring theme to my blog, which will make it a bit more interactive as well as minimize the amount of thought I need to put into writing a post. So here is my trial run of my new recurring theme: Say What?

Here's how it works. I will post a picture every Thursday night/Friday so that you can sit at your desk on Friday and kill time trying to come up with a caption more retarded (or clever, you witty bastards) than mine. Post your own caption(s) in the "Comments." The person with the best caption wins absolutely nothing, but at least you weren't working. Enjoy:

Now that my chances for a medal are gone, I guess I can finally pee in my helmet.

Top 10: Movie Bad Guys

In keeping with my promise to try and bring more of the repeated themed posts back, here is a new Top 10 list dedicated to the characters that pissed me off, gave me nightmares, and who just plain evil. This was really one of the toughest lists to narrow down, but I think this is a good (well, bad) bunch. Enjoy my:

Top 10 Best Movie Villains
Honorable mention: The Shark - Jaws: I don't usually give an honorable mention, but since he actually wasn't a real character, I thought I'd make an exception here. You gotta admit, the shark made you think twice before going swimming after you saw this movie.
10. Al Capone (Robert DeNiro) - The Untouchables: His cronie does more of the bad guy stuff in this movie, but the one scene with the baseball bat is all it takes to put that man on this list.
9. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) - Die Hard: It's gotta be the accent, but this guy's a real jerk. He smoked Harry after he pretended to be Bruce Willis' friend, and he died the way so many classic bad guys go (plummeting from a building).
8. Unicron (Orson Welles) - Transformers: The Movie: They introduced this character out of no where and he was a Transformer that was a whole planet! And he ate some of the prime Autobots that I grew up watching. That's a bold move, and a scary scene for a 10 year old. Watch the movie for yourself...he's pretty scary for a cartoon.
7. Max Cady (Robert DeNiro) - Cape Fear: The scenes from this movie have been parodied so many times, you have to respect the bad guy. All the tattoos, smoking the big cigar...and it's freakin' Robert DeNiro again. He's one scary bastard.
6. John Doe (Kevin Spacey) - Se7en: This is less the character than the acts he performs and the movie as a whole. Disturbing, simply disturbing.
5. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) - Rocky IV: This Russian monster killed Apollo! Apollo! There's no easy way out. There's no shortcut home. There's no easy way out. Givin in, givin in, can't be wrong.
4. Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton) - The Wizard of Oz: She's pretty much as evil as they come. Hell, wicked is in her name. And she wanted to kill a Cairn Terrier...that's just mean.
3. Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) - Nightmare on Elm Street: I obviously saw this movie when I was way too young, because I slept on the floor in my parents room for a week after it. There's just something really scary about a guy who can kill you in your dreams. He's only really scary in the first movie though, so don't bother with the sequels.
2. Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) - Silence of the Lambs: He's a real type of evil...serial killer...cannibal...extremely intelligent. While most of the others on the list are characatures, he's the real deal, and that's why he's number 2.
1. Darth Vader (Voice of James Earl Jones) - Empire Strikes Back: Darth Vader is the perfect characature of evil. He's more than likely the first picture that pops into one's head when they think of bad guys and he's is undoubtedly my #1 pick.

Bad Parenting

So, today I had to take my dog, Chloe, to the vet. This visit was partly a routine visit for shots, and partly because she has a serious crapping issue. You see, about a week ago, Chloe ate a bunch of stuff including a piece of a rubber tennis ball she destroyed, pieces of broken tile from a bathroom project Amy has been working on for several weeks now, and a pencil because well, she found a pencil and felt like eating it.


Now, this type of feasting is not abnormal for Chloe, but this time around, something appeared to get stuck...or so I thought. Soon after eating this stuff, Chloe showed signs of distress when trying to drop a number 2 in the backyard. She'd strain and arch her back funny, flail around trying to look back there to see what's going on, and stop short of completion, after flinging the few pieces of poop she could get out all over the place. Obviously, someone needed to look into this, thus the doctor's visit.

So, we get to the vet and I give the doctor the rundown on what's been happening with Chloe. As I'm telling him this story, I'm thinking to myself, is he judging me? Am I a bad dog owner because I allowed my dog to eat rubber, ceramic and wood? I'm pretty sure if I went to a real doctor with these same problems for a child, he'd probably call in some outside "counselors." But hell, she's a dog right? My old dog, Clyde, had to have a surgery to remove a deer hoof and a koosh ball from his stomach, so maybe it's just a dog thing? Or maybe bad parenting runs in my family?

I've turned out pretty normal, as have my two brothers, so I'm thinking that's not the case. I mean, we never ran around like crazed idiots trying on display shoes at the Champs Sports when we were kids. And we certainly didn't stroll over to another table at a restaurant and disturb a couple as they were enjoying their dinner. And we definitely did not jam our toys in the skimmers and main drain of a pool, causing it to clog the system and require hours of work to remove. Yeah, I think we're OK.

So, I finish the story and the doctor takes Chloe in the back to "check things out." I had a bout of colitis a few years back, so I can feel for Chloe's dilemma over the next few minutes...ugh...and when the doctor returns he gives me his prognosis.

Well, he checked around in there and found that the anal or skunk glands had gotten a bit overfilled. This has actually happened before because Chloe has for some reason not learned the age old dog trick of the scoot, whereby she would cleanse these glands by scooting around on her ass, much to the amusement of all onlookers. Well, more than likely, these swollen glands have been rubbing against the poo as it passes and causing her discomfort. A quick purging of the glands and she's more than likely good to go. What do you know? Doesn't appear to have been the rubber, ceramic and wood after all. I guess I'm not a bad parent as originally perceived.

So, we get back into the car, Chloe jumps on my lap, and we drive away.

What's that? Screw you for judging me!

Pass the Charmin

I prefer Charmin Extra Soft toilet paper, yet my girlfriend is opposed to it. Not sure why? Most of the time I win because I get the giant 48 pack at Costco before she even realizes we're running low and then she has to deal with it for the next five months. However, this go round I dropped the ball and she ended up picking up some quilted one-ply bullshit that now sits in our bathroom.

And it got me to thinking...why do they even make one-ply? Are people really that cheap? Or stupid? Yeah you get twice as much TP in length, but I have a strict minimum number of plys that must be between my hand and my ass. If I have to fold it over twice as much to get to that quota, I will do just that. Screw you Cotonelle! Ain't no way there's gonna be only one thin ply between me and a stink palm.

Best of the Dirty Filter

Well, with almost 200 entries and almost a year (yep, one year in March) of typing, I felt it was time we were all able to easily look back on some of the better posts of the past. Let's be honest, most of them were crap and who wants to sift through all that to find the winners? Not me, and I'm writing this shit.

So, I have just added new links to the bottom of the right side, allowing you to link to some of my personal favorites as well as my repeating themes: Top 10 Lists, Fuzzy Memories, and Brain Farts.

I hope everyone enjoys the added ease and perhaps this will motivate me to post a few more quality entries.

Some Sports Tidbits

Here's a few tidbits I just thought I'd throw out there, and what better time for such a post than the day after the Super Bowl:

• Didn't the whole Jerome Bettis thing seem just a little too perfect this Super Bowl. I mean, he walks up there and gives this speech that "The Bus's Last Stop is in Detroit." I swear I've seen something like this before. I just don't know why they stopped there...the lights should have dimmed, "I Am a Real American" should have started pumping over the sound system, and the Bus should have ripped off his Super Bowl T-Shirt and given all his fans one last flex pose.
• OK, this is an odd coincidence. A few days ago, Nomar Garciaparra announces that he is not going to participate in the World Baseball Classic for Mexico because he wants to focus on changing positions for his new team, the Dodgers. And what's this...today they announce that 2 players will randomly be tested following every WBC game? Yeah, that pretty much seals it for me. Nomar is so juiced up, I'll bet Mia Hamm even tests positive for steroids (fill in your own filthy conclusions)
• How sick are the Detroit Pistons? They lose Larry Brown (who is obviously a coaching genius, worth all the fuss he caused) and they are still the best team in the NBA right now. Their top 6 players are ridiculous and this is all despite having Darko "Yes, I actually was drafted before Carmelo and Dwayne Wade" Milicic on the team.
• Obviously, there were some bad calls in the Super Bowl that may have affected the outcome of the game (the Offensive Pass Interference call on Darrell Jackson in the endzone or the holding call on the pass to the 2 yard line), but the technical foul call in the FSU-Duke game is just another example that makes me wonder just how much money the NCAA gets from Duke University each year to make sure they don't lose. I mean, this team gets 5 McDonald's All-Americans every year and they get all the calls too?! Suspending those officials one game...wow...that'll really throw us off the scent.
• And I'd also like to add that I am really psyched about Warren Moon getting inducted into the Hall of Fame on his first attempt. Aside from the fact that he was my favorite player growing up (the guy threw for 300+ yards every game, who wouldn't be a fan), that I have about 6 of his rookie card and his signature on two plaques, and that he beat his wife, this guy threw for more yards than any other quarterback in the history of FOOTBALL and somehow never seems to get mentioned in the same breath as Dan Marino and John Elway. Hopefully, this will help.

Polamalu

Po-la-ma-lu. That guy is good. Not much else to say here. And, yes, I have had a bit to drink. Screw you, it's my blog and I'll post when I feel like it. Po-la-ma-lu.

Super Bowl Predictions
Seattle - 38
Pittsburgh - 14
Bill Cowher - Several angry faces
Miller Light - Best commercial
Halftime - Worst ever, and thankfully no tits
Anna Benson - Somewhat over-rated and apparently not associated with the Super Bowl at all


Lofa Tatupu.

Car Sickness Update

In a shocking and monumental turn of events, my brother has shattered his previous mark of turning over cars by signing over the lease to his newest car, the Lexus IS350, to my mother. In exchange, he will take over the final 6 months of her leased 2003 Infiniti G35 Coupe. With this move, that puts his total time for possessing his Lexus at just over 2 weeks and his total number of cars at 7 in 8 years...stupendous.

Citing a lack of budget for the latest move, my brother has now shown the abilities to make moves at a more rapid pace than Omar Minaya, though no Hispanics were involved in these transactions (well maybe in the final washing of the Lexus).

Somebody get me some more cowbell...and pronto!

Top 10: Eat Me

I think it's been about 2 months since I put up a Top 10 List, and it probably would have been another two months if not for Kupe putting up one on his blog. So, with the Super Bowl just around the corner and the strong possibility that I'm going to receive the forwarded email about the amount of guacamole consumed by the US on Super Bowl Sunday, I bring to you my stupidest list yet:

The Top 10 Foods I Really Don't Eat Often Enough
10. Cheetohs - These things are so damned good, but I guess the fear of Cheetoh fingers keeps me from picking them up more often
9. Jambalaya - It's even nice to say it, but I can't even remember the last time I had some.
8. Chicken Pot Pie - I remember this being on the Elementary School lunch menu about once every two weeks, now it's never on my menu. I mean, it's pie and it's a meal...why do I not eat it more.
7. Ginger Ale - Well, it's not actually a food, but when was the last time you got a Ginger Ale? And why don't they offer it at any restaurants?
6. Croissants - I would have to say that this may be the only food that I would consider to be "feminine" and perhaps that's why I never seem to get it at the grocery store.
5. Celeste Pizza - These things are only $1 each and yet I am still not eating them?!
4. Apple Sauce - Man, this stuff is great. I used to eat a whole bowl of it at a time when I was a kid, and with Potato Latkes around Hannukah. Maybe I stopped eating it because it resembles baby food?
3. Popcicles - I eat a good bit of ice cream, but I always seem to steer clear of your run of the mill popcicles. Hell, I don't even eat the one's with the cream middle any more. Do they still make them?
2. Salami - My grandma is probably turning over in her grave. I don't think I've had a salami on rye in like 8 months...and it's arguably one of the easiest sandwiches to make.
1. English Muffins - With all those nooks and crannies. It's quite possibly the best dough product out there and I can't even remember the last time I had one. I am going to the store right now and making myself an English Muffin for dinner. Come on, Thomas! Get your act together and start promoting your god damned muffins again before these Eggo bastards take over breakfast for good!

And you are all dumber for having read this.

Pool & Spa Show 2006

The reason for the lack of posts during the week last week was that I was in Atlantic City for the 2006 Pool & Spa Show. Every year, there are shows put on by the Pool industry in several different areas around the US. There's one in Atlantic City every year, as well as Orlando (which I went to once) and Las Vegas, among others. Since it's only a three hour drive and I have a gambling problem to begin with, I'm pretty much a regular at these conventions now. Let me give you a quick recap of the week's activities:

MONDAY
Everyone comes into work and we take care of the week's known jobs so that we only have to worry about emergency call-ins while we're gone. All but one of my technicians is coming to the show this year, so he's just on call for the week while we're in AC. Around 1 PM, we all take off, in three separate cars to accommodate the 8 people going.

Three hours later and we're there. As we walk into the Tropicana, we are confronted by the largest lines I have ever seen in AC. Uhh, it's a Monday...in January...fucking pool guys. After trudging through the line for more than 1/2 hour, we make it to front desk and try to get our rooms. Here's where it gets a little weird. We reserved five rooms over two months ago, and when I give them my name, she finds me in their system but they don't have any rooms left. What?! It felt like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry can't get a rental car: They have no problem "taking the reservation," the problem seems to be that they don't know how to "hold the reservation," and really that's the most important part. Luckily, the manager comes over and they free us up a couple of suites, but two of the rooms only have one king bed and two guys sharing it, so they offer to bring up a cot. That sucks...for them. I have my own room, so I'm sitting pretty with my nice couch and refridgerator. Problem avoided, on to the gambling. Ended this night up $180.

TUESDAY
We have to wake up at the crack of dawn to make it over to the Convention Center for our technical seminar on Electricity. As is always the case, there are plenty of mustaches and apparently unshowered individuals joining us on this excursion, though there was a suprisingly low number of mullets (only 2, though one was a Spanish guy, therefore changing the pronunciation to Mu-yet, given the "ll"). After pissing off a line of 25 people waiting for coffee and danishes by walking right up to the danishes (I ain't waiting in line when I don't want coffee), we headed into the classroom. Not much really to say about this, though now I know the relationship between Volts, Amps, Ohms, and Watts, which should really prove useful even though they're always written on everything you get anyway, but I disgress.

It's lunchtime and nothing says Atlantic City better than Hooters. The waitress is decently hot (has anyone else noticed a dramatic decrease in the quality of women working at Hooters? I guess the alternative of setting up your own internet porn site and working from home is much more attractive, but come on?!) and the wings are bound to give me some impressive diarrhea...though nothing will ever compare to my bout two weeks ago. After our lunch, it's back to the Convention Center for the trade show.

This part is the reason to come to the show. It's a giant arena full of all the pool & spa vendors and the sheer comedy of some of the things you see going on here is amazing. Let me just give you the highlights:

• Pool star Jeannette "the Black Widow" Lee is there promoting a billiards company (you see swimming pool guys sometimes sell billiards pool stuff to help keep them busy in the Winter) and is allowing over confident rednecks to challenge her in pool, and then bitchslapping them, most of the time not even allowing them to take a shot. Two of my employees got a picture with her, which was nice.
• The largest crowd was not around any of the vendors, but rather the beer line. Class. A whole lot of class.
• One pool guy was walking around wearing a tank top, with a completely shaven bald head, and ridiculously jacked muscles. What's the name of his company..."World's Strongest Pool Service." Wow. Not much else I can say there. Wow.
• At the end of each day of the show, they give away door prizes. This year's prizes included iPods, Laptop Computers, Tivo, and the grand prize...a giant Plasma TV. However, in addition to these prizes, some of the vendors contribute items such as 300 waterbags, 4 cases of a chemical no one uses, and a vinyl liner. Not surprisingly, all of these busch league gifts required several names to be called before some poor schmuck actually went up to claim them. People even started heckling the announcer, yelling, "Nobody wants that crap!" You can really only find this type of quality jeering at the Pool & Spa show

So, we finish up here and head back to the casino for some more Blackjack. Sadly, I sat at the table for 7 hours straight, got comped 2 free meals, and walked away at 3 AM up $700.

WEDNESDAY

I probably shouldn't have even gone to sleep as I roll out of bed at 7 AM to make it to the second day of classes. This technical seminar is on Underground Pressure Testing and thankfully it's only 3 hours long. The Hooters wings are now trying to escape and I oblige them when I get back to the hotel room, then I take a nice nap before heading down for lunch. Sadly, we can not decide on any place in particular and once again end up at Hooters (yeah, we have issues). Today, however, several of my employees are taking advantage of the fact that there will be no classes the next day, so they begin to drink like fish. Three pitchers done, and it's only 1:30 pm...on to the tables.

Today's gambling isn't going as well, as there are two Russian ladies who are absolutely clueless sitting at the table. Everyone of us sitting with them is completely disgusted, but no one will throw out the typical sighs and groans to make them feel uncomfortable. It's probably because they both had really big boobs. I mean, who wants to intentionally drive that away...even though we're losing money. Penis=1 Brain=0

We sit there for a couple hours, before I need to head out, thankfully I've pulled out a winner, leaving AC with a net total of $820. Solid work. Solid show.

Only 361 days til I can do it all over again.

Sweet Best Buy

I'm sitting at home last Saturday, killing time doing absolutely nothing and surfing the internet. So I'm on the Best Buy website looking to see what new DVD releases are coming out so I can put them on my Blockbuster Online queue, when I see an add for TV sales. The deal they're offering is 0% financing on all TV purchases above $999 until 2009. Yeah, that's not a typo, 2009!! Well, I've been interested in getting myself a Plasma or LCD television since my brother and my buddy Mike got one a while back, but the cost has always sort of kept me at bay. But, Christ, if I've got no interest being added on for 3 years, I can buy a pretty damned good TV for $60 a month. I can handle that.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Sucked in by the marketing...but why not. So Saturday night, I drive myself over to the Best Buy in Germantown (it's bigger and nicer than the ones in Rockville and Gaithersburg...plus I can't deal with the parking situations at both those places) and get a crash course on plasma vs. LCD. For those of you who are not versed in the differences, here's the key points I took from the discussions. Plasma TVs are a better picture but are only available in big sizes and generate a lot of heat. Plus, they may require some maintenance to the bulbs? after a couple years. Cost wise they're about the same.

Since I was originally planning to put it in my living room, I was stuck with a TV no bigger than 32", which pretty much took plasmas out of the equation, so my shopping experience was cut in half right off the bat. So, I proceeded to do what any normal TV shopping male would do when confronted with this dilemma. I stood in front of about 10 different LCD TVs for about 20 minutes watching white water canoeing and highlights of last year's Super Bowl. I'm pretty sure I came in my pants twice as they panned to the crowd and I could make out the faces of every screaming fan.

When all was said and done, I went with the best one they had, which was a Sony 26" (Amy talked me down from 32" and out of putting it in the living room) so it now sits beautifully in my bedroom, allowing me the luxury of crystal clear movies as I fall asleep.

Sweet.

Car Sickness

For those of you that know my younger brother, you know his love of cars and his hatred of having one for any long period of time. Well, he set a new record this week, as he gave up on his last car after only 11 months of ownership. Let me give you all a quick recap to bring you up to speed on his sickness.

When my brother turned 16 (1998), he was able to buy my grandmother's 1994 Mitsubishi Eclipse from her, giving him his first car...a decent one to start with for sure, it even had a spoiler. By the time he was 18, he had added one of those loud, ridiculous mufflers to it, which made it offensive to drive next to, and downright painful to drive in. I think he started to feel that way too, so he quickly ditched that car, and bought my mom's 1991 Nissan 300ZX from her.

The Z was definitely a pimpin ride, even at its age, and since my mom babied it since she had always wanted a Z, he again got himself a pretty good car to work with. Unfortunately, he was still in his "souping up cars" stage and after he blew one speaker and killed the battery on the car four times because of the woofer he bought, it took only the few minor scratches caused by the tornado that came through College Park before he had once again moved on to another car.

This time, he picked out a brand new 2002 Silver Nissan XTerra. It was a nice car, and the first SUV that anyone in my family had gotten. But we knew it wouldn't last, and sure enough, it got keyed outside his fraternity house, plus it was that fast, so he traded it back to Nissan's parent company, Infiniti, and grabbed himself another brand new car, a 2003 Infiniti G35 Sedan. This one he got fully loaded with the luxury and sports package, and every other whistle and bell, with only the exception being the GPS system. It was a damned sweet car, and even I was a bit jealous of this purchase (not so much with the incredible money loss he was enduring)

I liked the G35 so much, I took it off his hands when, of course, he grew tired of it, and decided he wanted to go back to an SUV. So in February 2005, I bought his car from him, and he stayed in the Nissan/Infiniti family again, and bought a brand new 2005 Nissan Pathfinder. This time, he did get the GPS and now he's a family joke, and we're wondering which car he's going to get the following year.

Well, here we are, less than a year later. Kevin just got his Pathfinder back from the body shop after someone smashed his whole front end, costing that guy over $8000 in repair costs, and of course, this leaves Kevin less than happy with his car. So, so long Pathfinder...

Hello, 2006 Black Lexus IS350. Now it's just got silly. This car is ridiculously sweet looking, but how in the hell is he able to afford all this switching? I'm insistent he won't tell the family how the deals with the car guys really ended up, but I've figured that in all his exchanges, he's cost himself over $10,000, money he could be putting aside to get a condo or something.

But, unfortunately, he has a sickness, and I'm not sure if he'll ever get better. Certainly, the remedy is not more cowbell.

Thanks, Ike

Yeah, I know. I'm going to hell.

A Whole Lot of Crap

Let me start off by saying that this particular blog entry is a bit graphic and may be offensive or gross to some you. That being said, you have been warned...now let me tell you about the last 48 hours of my life.

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling pretty good. I had gone out Friday night with my buddies Scott and Kupe, had a few (7, but who's counting) Capt. & Cokes and closed out the night with an empanada before jumping on the metro and running through the monsoon type rains to get home.

Amy had already left for work, so I had the place to myself. I headed downstairs and made myself some breakfast/lunch (it was about 11:30 when I got up) of soup and goldfish crackers. This was actually a tougher process than usual because I could barely move my arms. You see, as mentioned in a previous post, I joined the gym this week and started lifting weights, something I haven't done since my senior year in college. My chest and triceps were hurting the most and it was difficult to lift my arm up and even harder to pull my hand towards my face to put a spoonful of soup in my mouth. Probably shouldn't have tried to keep up with my brother, who has been lifting for over 5 years, but I'm too competitive to not at least try to do all the same exercises as him.

After I finish my soup, I begin to feel worse, now my shoulders (which I worked on Friday) and my abs are starting to ache, and overall I'm not feeling that well. Actually, before I started this lifting program, I told my brother that every time I try to start lifting, I get sick. The last time I got so sick, I was in bed for a week and missed my fraternity's beach party and the Super Bowl. Oh boy, here we go again.

I went onto webmd.com and checked into over-exercise and it mentioned that you can get sicker if you are already under the weather and stress your body with exercise, and it said it was normal to be sore 24-72 hours after first starting to work out, so maybe I just need some rest.

I turned on a hot bath (yeah, I took a bath, got a problem with a man taking a bath? And yes, there were bubbles in this bath, scented like oranges) in hopes that it would sooth my aching muscles and maybe give me some relief. I had a busy day planned, with the Redskins game and my buddy Greg's housewarming party. Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worst...and this is were things start to go downhill quickly.

I am freezing and shivering as I get out of the bath and now I can barely stand. Something is definitely wrong and I'm worried that maybe I have some unknown diabetic condition (my dad is diabetic) and all the working out and drinking has done something to my blood. I quickly get dressed, grab an Aleve, a Megaman vitamin, and the thermometer and head to grab some lemonade and an apple. Maybe I need sugar?

The thermometer beeps while I'm cutting my apple (which was very difficult and somewhat dangerous given how my muscles were acting) and I've got a temperature of 100.7. Fuck! I still have no idea what is going on so it's back to webmd to check on blood sugar and symptoms of high or low blood sugar. Did you realize that muscle pain and fever are the symptoms of pretty much every single ailment? How the hell is this supposed to help me fix my problem if I could technically have every problem out there? Stupid computer doctor. At this point, I have nothing else I can do but go back to bed and hope that the Aleve fixes the problem. I call Amy and ask her to pick up some flex-all and orange juice on the way home (OJ fixes everything) and I try to rest. By this point, the Redskins are on and looking pathetic on offense as usual. At least, Shaun Alexander is out...we have a chance.

Amy gets home to find my pathetic ass laid up in bed. She gets me some orange juice and here's where things start to get REAL bad. After I finish my second glass, my stomach starts to rumble. I know where this is heading and it's off to the bathroom. Dumb and Dumber style explosions are coming out of my ass (told you I would be graphic, just wait...it gets worse) and it's sapping the remaining bit of energy out of my body. When I'm done, I try to stand up, but I double over in stomach pain and collapse to the ground. It's a matter of minutes before I am now adding puke to the toilet (I've flushed already, that would be too gross). After emptying my stomach and then a few more dry heaves for shits and giggles, I am a sweaty, exhausted mess. WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Amy helps me back to bed and now I want just water, and lots of it, because I'm sure I'm really dehydrated at this point. The next 17 hours (no, I'm not kidding) have me curled up in bed shivering from fever, which topped off at 102.7, drinking as much water as possible, and visiting the bathroom to shit every forty or so minutes (again, I'm not kidding).

So, you're probably asking yourself, how can you shit every forty minutes when all you're doing is drinking water? Well, you see, after about 3 hours worth of shitting, the idea of solid shit has long left your thoughts. When you get up to about 8 hours, you start to wonder (it could be the fever or drugs doing the wondering) why your ass needs to be involved at all...you could piss this out just as easily. By hour number 15, you are now starting to dislodge food that has been trapped in your intestines since you were 5 years old. The smells associated with this type of shitting are inexplicable, and would be grounds for vomiting, if I had anything left in my body to throw up. They even put my dog's farts to shame.

Thankfully, around 1 PM on Sunday, my fever broke and the shitting went to a once every hour and a half cycle. I was actually able to get some sleep last night, as it diminished even further to once every three hours, which is about where I am right now.

On a positive note, I am now five pounds lighter and got the benefit of a colon cleansing without the awkward doctor visit and related bills...and you all got the benefit of reading about me taking a whole lot of craps. You're welcome.

WhY iS ThAt?

WhY iS iT tHaT eMaIl FrOm PeOpLe TrYiNg To MaKe My PeNiS LaRgEr Or FrOm NiGeRiA Is WrItTeN lIkE tHiS?

dO yOu GeT a DiFfErEnT kEyBoArD wHeN yOu WaNt To Be An AnNoYiNg AsShOlE?

Mitch Hedberg

I have added a link on the right side to a site that has most (if not all?) of my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg's, appearances. If you have never heard him before, you should definitely link to it or link to the Comedy Central Links below.

Comedy Central, Part 1
Comedy Central, Part 2
Comedy Central, Part 3

Enjoy!

Random Thoughts

As you can imagine, following my return from a funeral in Colorado, it has been difficult to find much humor with which to enlighten your lives with. Add to that the fact that my father is going in for heart surgery tomorrow and you would have to say that 2006 has been the most humorless year to date, and we're only 9 days in. God help us.

However, there have been a few bright spots and I always seem to find something to mock or make light of, so here's a few tidbits from my last few days:

• Saturday brought the first playoff game for the Redskins since I had returned to the city following college. I was pretty psyched for this new experience and was doubly psyched that I would be enjoying it at my favorite football watching venue, Union Jack's. Throughout the entire regular season, my buddies Scott, Kupe and I, along with a spattering (you know, I've used that word twice in like 5 posts...I feel like an old British man or something) of our other friends have been regulars at this bar. And that's saying alot because on average, there's usually about 15 people in the whole place each week. But low and behold, the Redskins are in the playoffs and what is this... The fair weather fans are out in full force. The bar is so packed (at 3:30 PM, no less) that we not only can't get our regular table, but we can't even get into the place. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Sadly, we are forced to Rock Bottom, where the seats have no backs, the waiters are stuck behind the bar, and the beer is food is not 25% off. Leave it to the snobs of Bethesda to do the "trendy" thing and suddenly decide that rooting for the Redskins is a great way to spend a Saturday. Go to hell, all of you!
• Well, that wasn't funny or uplifting at all.
• Tomorrow, I will be joining Gold's Gym, where my younger brother works out, marking the first time in the history of my life that I will be lifting weights on a regular basis with no other purpose than to make myself look better. Looks like I'm one step closer to being gay. Now I've just gotta learn how to be neat and go see "Brokeback Mountain."
• My mom has decided to start the Nutri-System diet (it worked for Zora from "Joe Millionaire") and she just received the meals in the mail on Saturday. After discussing it with her, I realized that the world needs a new diet plan, that's easy to follow and fun to do. So I give you the J-Man Arcade Crane Diet. It's a real easy-to-follow diet, based on the simple dietary philosophy of portion control...with a hint of FUN! All you need for this diet is to always carry a plate with you...or bowl, your choice. And here's how it works: Eat whatever you want, but when the food is brought to you, you become the "Arcade Crane". Take one hand and reach onto your plate with the fingers pointing down like the arcade game. You get one grasp at your food and then you must move the "crane" over to your second plate. Whatever makes it to the second plate is yours to eat...much like a stuffed Fozzy Bear. It just that simple...trust me you'll lose weight...if not your appetite too.
• With the nice weather outside today, I took the opportunity to trim back the terribly overgrown ornament grass in my front yard (yeah, I don't work...it's the Winter). I felt like Edward Scissorhands out there hacking away at the mound, which was about four feet high at this point. The only downside is, now my front yard is really bare looking and once again resembles the "dirt mound" I had back before I did all my planting in the Spring. If these perrenials don't pop up again in the Spring...well, it is 2006.

Hail to the Redskins

Though it didn't look pretty at times, the Skins pulled off the victory over the Eagles yesterday with some late defensive heroics to advance into the playoffs. With that win, the Skins are now in line to take on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Saturday in a rematch of the biggest bullshit game of the Redskins season.

The way the Skins defense has been playing the last few weeks, it would look like this one should go down much different than the first meeting, where the Skins secondary (without Sean Taylor) made Chris Simms look like Joe Montana. I have faith that they'll be able to pull through even with the very thin corner situation. And since things didn't turn out exactly as I had originally forcasted (all the right teams, not quite the right order), here's my altered predictions for those that weren't quite right before:

NFC Wildcard
Skins over Tampa Bay: This one will likely look a lot like the Philly game, with the Redskins getting beat by a big play here or there, but pulling it out with some key turnovers.

NY Giants over Carolina: Same matchup as I predicted before, but just in the Wild Card round this time.

NFC Divisional
Redskins over Seattle: I had this one before, and I'm sticking with it...even with all the injuries to the Skins.

NY Giants over Chicago: Playing in Chicago will likely make this a much tighter game than it should be, and Chicago could even pull this one out, but I'm sticking with my early prediction and putting the Skins and Giants in the NFC Conference Championship.


And if you didn't notice, that would make my predictions (AFC too) include losses to all of the teams that got a first round bye. Something tells me that's not a good thing. Oh, well.

Scientology?

As I mentioned in my previous post, Amy's grandmother passed away earlier this week and Amy took a flight out to Colorado the following day to be with her family. I, of course, followed suit and arrived here on the 29th after getting everything at home arranged with the dog and cat, and celebrating my birthday with my family.

Whenever I have to take a flight anywhere, it is usually my time to catch up on some reading. I usually don't read much outside of box scores, sports articles, and the occassional blog, so I somewhat look forward to this time. I've been in a rut the last few trips, reading the cop stories of Stuart Woods, which are light and easy to read. I've read about 10 of his books now, and just finished "Reckless Abandon" on the flight over.

Recognizing the impending boredom of my one week stay here in Colorado, I realized a new book (or three) would be needed, so Amy's family was nice enough to drive me to a used book store to locate a few others. I immediately went to my fallback, and grabbed Stuart Woods' "Swimming to Catalina" and then began searching the store for something new and different.

It is at this time that I saw a section labelled "Occult." Well, that sounds like something new and different for sure. Most of the books were about UFOs and Roswell, but then I saw it...the book I had actually been wanting to look into for some time...L. Ron Hubbard's "Scientology: The Fundamentals of Life."

After seeing the South Park episode about Scientology, I have been curious as to what exactly the whole thing was about...it couldn't be about the alien creatures they talk about, right?! Plus, anything that can drive a man like Tom Cruise insane is worth purusing...I mean this is the guy who got over Goose's death to save Iceman from the MIGs, dammit. So, I grabbed the book as well as a book about the power and mystery of Pyramids, and was on my way.

I read pretty quickly, when I actually read, and within a few hours I have completed this piece of garbage, disgusted that I wasted $2.50 on it in the first place. Allow me to enlighten everyone.

To begin with, I was a psychology major in college and have some pretty strong, though very loose (I strongly believe that organized religion and rules are bullshit) beliefs of my own, so I'm likely not L. Ron's target audience for this. Within a few 'chapters', about 30 rules or concepts have been discussed, each one very simplistic in nature, though organized in a way to confuse the reader. Some of the ideas are foundations of psychology, though they are intermingled with completely absurd thoughts as if both are to be considered fact.

Having lied often in my life, especially when dealing with clients, I recognized this technique immediately. Let me explain: Say you want to lie to someone and you want it to seem true or believable. The easiest way to help validate the lie is to encircle it with undeniable truths. To the listener or reader, they hear a bunch of things that they agree with and therefore lump the other crap in with it and take for granted that it must be true as well. Well played, L. Ron, well played. But wait, what else have we here?

He's employing the technique of using the anti-negative. This technique was used by Nazis as well as by George Bush in dealing with the war. For Bush, it was the manner with which to prevent anti-war sentiment. He grouped the troops with the war, and to protest against the war would mean to turn your back on the poor troops. Nobody would do that, right? Well, here's the great one, Scientology puts itself in direct contrast with the destruction of the world using nuclear weapons. WHAT??!!!! I kid you not, listen to this shit,

"The primary race of Earth is not between one nation and another today. The only race that matters at this moment is the one being run between Scientology and the atomic bomb. The history of man, as has been said by well-known authorities (who?), may well depend upon which one wins."

Well, I don't want to continue to bore you with this, but needless to say, there was no talk of aliens as South Park had suggested. They did talk about "thetans" which are the spirits that control our mind and body, and pass from one body to the next following death. I'm not gonna argue with this, because many people believe in this sort of thing, though the necessity to give it a new name is pretty funny. I'm naming my new fantasy baseball team the Thetans by the way...don't try and steal it.

Also, I finally realized why only the filthy rich and celebrities are heard of doing this. In order to be a part of this, you need to be "processed" which appears to be a VERY time consuming (i'm talking 25 hours to complete one task) process of stupid and basic question and answer series. And I'm sure no one will sit there and do this with you for that many hours for free?!!

Well, I've ranted enough about that. I enjoy learning about other people's beliefs and such, but this one just seems a bit too hokie and based off of lies and half-truths. Guess I'm not converting...but maybe I'll want to build myself a pyramid tomb????

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my 28th birthday...which is somewhat scary because I really lost track of 23 through 27. Birthdays sort of lose their luster after 16, with the exception of 21, which is always exciting. They are especially unspectacular when they are three days after Christmas and most people are either exhausted (or broke) from all the Christmas stuff, or are anticipating a New Years disaster in three more days. Usually, this leads me to uneventful birthday gatherings with a spattering of my friends for dinner and some drinks.

Tonight will be no different as a group of us are headed to Hinode Japanese Steak House for some dinner, freshly prepared in front of you by the chef...always fun. This used to be a common dinner option when I was in college, since there were a bunch of date functions and such, and nothing beats a volcano made of onions or flying shrimp when you're trying to impress a new girl. Since college, though, I really haven't been to this type of dining that much (twice in the last five years), so I'm pretty psyched.

Unfortunately, I will be flying dateless tonight as Amy had to depart for Colorado this morning as her grandmother became suddenly ill and very unexpectantly passed away yesterday afternoon. Where today would typically be a very festive and upbeat day, there is a dark cloud looming over it now, and my prayers go out to Amy's family for their loss.

However, in some ways an occurrence like this helps you to appreciate every birthday, and your friends and family that are able to share these times with you. You really don't ever know when you won't be able to share a time like this again...and ironically the last time I ate at Hinode (the second of the two times) was with Amy's grandmother during her only visit to Maryland last September.

Early NFL Predictions

It's been a while since I've thrown up a sports prediction post, or a post about sports at all for that matter. Since I stopped posting my weekly picks, I've actually been doing OK. I won the pool one week and tied for first, but lost on the tie breaker (total MNF points) another week, going 13-3 both those weeks. I'm feeling the swami mojo returning, so, I bring to you my early NFL Post Season Predictions.

NFC Wild Card Matchups
Washington over Chicago - Washington makes the playoffs as the 6th team after wins against the Giants and Philly to end the season. They'll pull this Week 1 Rematch out in another boring low scoring affair.
Carolina over Tampa Bay - Carolina will host this game and their defensive line will completely shut down Tampa's offense for a relatively easy victory.

AFC Wild Card Matchups
New England over Jacksonville - The Jags got lucky making the playoffs with David Garrard, but one game is all they'll see as the Pats front seven will destroy them.
Cincinnati over Pittsburgh - Too much talent on the Bengal offense to be held back, even by the Steelers.

NFC Divisional Matchups
Washington over Seattle - This one will be a nail-biter, just like their regular season matchup, but the Skins will come out on top with the help of John Hall's leg.
NY Giants over Carolina - Tiki, Tiki, Tiki. Eli may have just as many weapons as his brother, but Tom Coughlin realizes who to give the ball to.

AFC Divisional Matchups
New England over Indianapolis - When is everyone gonna stop sucking Peyton Manning's dick and realize that Tom Brady is the best quarterback in football right now. Did you see what he had to work with this year? Tom and Bill are gonna do it to the Colts one more time.
Cincinnati over Denver - Marvin Lewis should win Coach of the Year honors, and this game will help show why.

NFC Championship Matchup
NY Giants over Washington - Gibbs is good, but the Redskins just don't have enough talent on offense to hang with the Giants.

AFC Championship Matchup
New England over Cincinnati - I swear I've seen this scene before...Pats are going to another Super Bowl. That linebacking core is pretty nasty.

Super Bowl XL
New England over NY Giants - The Patriots organization is just too well run for anything short of a disaster (and it was close this year) to stop them. Tom Brady wins another one and the attention will still be on the fact that Eli Manning (and not Peyton) went to the Super Bowl.


And those are my picks...with two weeks to play, some of these teams might not even make the playoffs, but I'm sticking with it. You may begin berating me....now.

J-Man vs. Bahama Boozin'

Yikes. Been a week since my last post. Perhaps if I stopped going out at night, drinking, and taking the wrong drugs (prescriptions...that is) I'd be able to get over this head cold (working on a week plus, now) and feel more like typing. But alcohol has always been my downfall and that leads me to my final installment of the stories of my trip to the Bahamas.

Story 1: Prejudice Bitch
Now this story has less to do with my drinking and more to do with another persons drinking, but it's still a classic. It's the third night at the place, and Amy has been losing big at blackjack, so she's not in the best of moods to begin with. We decide to give it another shot and sit down at a table with her co-worker's husband Jim. It's just the three of us and things are going OK for a while, not winning too much, but not losing our ass either.

After about a half hour of this, two other guys from the company group walk over to our table. Both of them are absolutely hammered. The one guy, we'll call him Pete, (because I think that's his name but I'm not sure) is the owner of the company's cousin and apparently recognizes Jim, so he and the other guy (who cares what his name is, he's not important to this story) decide to sit down. This is when the chaos begins.

Within moments, it is apparent that Pete is going to have a very hard time focusing on the game. He is slurring his words, not responding to questions from the dealer, and begins to harrass the staff of the casino because his cards were getting "scooped" by the dealer at the Caribbean Stud table, even though he was in. This beligerence carries over to the waitress, who he refers to as "huney" and demeans her for a lack of speed in bringing him a drink. (This was a common occurrence with most of Amy's co-workers). Soon, the table has turned sour and Amy is getting frustrated by the 2-3 minutes that it takes for this guy to make a decision on whether to hit or pass. God forbid the times when he wants to split.

It has become too much for Amy to handle and since her money is dwindling again, I propose that we get up and move to the next table over, which is completely empty. Luckily, the shoe is about to end, and when it does, Amy and I color out and move to the next table. We assumed that the others would stay put, but we were wrong.

Immediately, Jim has colored up as well and has moved to our table, which is not immediately a bad thing...except that ol' drunken Pete is confused by the exodus, and still wants to play with us. He and the other guy also color up and stumble their way over to us. Just great, this can't get any worse. Or can it????

What I hadn't noticed when Amy and I departed was that an older black woman had just sat down at the table next to Jim and was getting ready to play. And almost on cue, all five of us (white people) got up and moved tables. Oh boy!

The lady shoves her way in between Amy and Pete (I've sat at the last position at the table) and throws her money down, glares at each of us and pronounces, "WE are in the Bahamas, trying to have an enjoyable time. Why can't we just put that bullshit behind us and just play a game? My money is just as good as yours, and I probably know how to play better anyway." Uh, awkward.

Amy immediately tries to defend our move, by saying that we did not move because of her, but the lady does not want to hear it and dismisses her with a "You don't have to give me any explanations, you prejudice bitch." This is bad, but it can't get any worse right???

Wrong. The lady begins to win a couple of hands in a row, including a few blackjacks, which leads good ol' drunken Pete to ask this winning line to the dealer, "Are you guys sisters?" Oh, Jeez.

Her response, "Why, because we're both BLACK?!"

Someone, please kill me.

Story 2: Daquiris are 2 for $10
So, it's our last night on the island and Amy's boss has paid for everyone to go to a bonfire party where there will be food and all you can drink Bahama Mamas and Kamakazis. Did someone say, all-you-can-drink? The last time I went to an all-you-can-drink, I ended up scuplting a bowl out of newspaper on the metro as I vomited all over myself, so this was likely destined for disaster from the beginning, but let's continue.

So we get to the bonfire, and not only are the drinks free flowing, they're also really fucking strong. It doesn't take long before I'm loaded, dancing with the fire breather lady and talking to a fat couple about how bad Brett Favre is playing this year. Sadly, the bonfire came to an end a few hours later, but the party can still continue as Amy, Lorrel and Crystal (from the dolphin story) and I all head to the marina bars to grab a few more drinks...like I really needed one.

We had been to the marina bars before and they are much like the bars of New Orleans, where it is just a bar that you walk up to from the street, with no where to go into. In my previous visits to these bars, I had learned that the key is to order multiple drinks. Beers are one for $4 or 2 for $5. That's a deal. So, when we get there, I immediately order myself and Lorrel a beer and turn back to the ladies, who have not had a drink in a while. And this is where things start to turn bad.

Amy looks at the two beers with disgust, and asks, "Where's mine? You didn't even ask?" Uh, oh.

"Oh sorry, I didn't know you wanted anything."
"I do, I'll have a strawberry daquiri."

I ask Crystal if she wants a drink, but she does not. And then I turn to the bar, Daquiris are one for $8 or two for $10. Holy Shit, NOW THAT'S A DEAL. Now here's where things get even worse.

So I turn to my right and see three young girls that have just walked up to the bar, but don't have any drinks yet. Always the thinker, I step over to them and ask if any of them was planning to order a daquiri, because my girlfriend wanted one and they were a deal if you got two.

Now, this probably wouldn't be a big deal if this were three guys (though I probably wouldn't assume they would want a daquiri) or maybe if it were three fat girls (yeah, I said it), but apparently this was a very bad move given the actual circumstances.

This is when Amy appears and gives me a shove, "What exactly are you doing?" (Notice the "exactly." Not sure why, but women use this one alot)

"I was asking them if they were gonna get a daquiri, because it's a deal" (The hole is dug, I'm just digging deeper now)

This is when the barrage of punches begins, starting at my stomach and working its way up to two right hooks to my jaw and cheek, in coordination with her outburst, "Why..are..you..fucking..doing..this shit..on my..company..trip!!!???"

This is followed by a "You're such an asshole" and a "We're through" and the night is now a complete success.

Stunned by everything that just occurred, I had only one recourse but to finish my beer.

J-Man vs. The Dolphins

I've been sick the last two days (go figure: 79 degrees in the Bahamas, 18 here) so I don't really feel like writing a whole story about swimming with the dolphins...so here's a quick summary.

This was one thing I've always wanted to do, so when the opportunity presented itself, I jumped at the possibility and jumped into some relatively cold water to do so. The two dolphins we swam with were pretty cool and did some nice tricks, including hugging, waving, talking, kissing and of course, jumping (after we were out of the water). The dolphins were much bigger than I had originally imagined, but at no point did I ever feel afraid. They are quite cool creatures. Here's some more pics:

Totally got her number, BTW.

Yes I know, that's pretty damned cool. They call me the Beastmaster.

And this is the dolphin spitting at me. The instructor thought it would be funny for me to show everyone the "splash" command.

Fishing Pics

J-Man vs. The Barracuda

It's our second day in the Bahamas and one of Amy's co-workers is extremely psyched that he has secured a boat to take us out deep sea fishing. He finds Amy and I eating breakfast with two of Amy's other co-workers, Crystal and Lorrel, and demands that Lorrel join him on this voyage.

I am a complete outsider in this group to begin with, then add onto that the fact that I neither golf (well, I have, but I really suck) nor hunt (which it seemed all of them do??), and I'm basically like the fat kid in gym class. So, of course, no invitation is directly extended to me. However, Lorrel is insistent that I go, so that Amy will go, and therefore his fiance will go, so who am I to argue with that kind of logic? I figure an afternoon of sitting on a boat waiting for the fish to grab while throwing down some beers can't be that bad, so I'm in. I fork over the $175 for Amy and I, and we're in.

Now, there may be some of you that already know what "deep sea fishing" is, but it is not what I had originally thought. The boat does not stop moving. You do not hold your fishing pole. And throwing down beers is a recipe for disaster.

What you do do is sit on a stank boat that is constantly "trolling" the waters with 4 or more lines cast out behind the boat. It's hard enough to stand on the boat when you're sober, so after my first beer, I decide that I'm cut off. Within an hour of our departure, Crystal is puking, I haven't touched anything associated with fishing, and the same four lines are still dragging behind the boat. Another hour passes and now I'm searching for my iPod to take my mind off of the sheer stupidity of this endeavor.

Perhaps the fish like Evanescence, because Amy Lee gets out two words when our first line takes hold, then a second one snags a moment later and the excitement has begun. Lorrel and the other guy quickly spring to a seat and the captain puts the pole in their hands to reel the fish in. Seems simple enough...tug and wind...I take notice of the way to reel it in since I've never done this before and feel a bit more at ease as the fish get pulled in rather easily. When the fish is right by the boat, the captain snags it with a hook (I saw a trident in a store while I was down there, and was very tempted to buy it) and chucks it into a bin. What a blood bath! 2 hours, 2 Wahoos (that's the name of the fish they both caught) and now back to the iPod.

More time passes and Amy's co-worker says I should get into the chair so I can get the next one that grabs. I take my place and wait...and wait...and wait. And then we've got a grab. The captain puts the rod in position in front of me and the instructions begin.

"Let it go until the reel stops moving, then start pulling him in slowly"

(Simple enough)

Except the reel keeps spinning and spinning. Why is this fish swimming further and further away damn it! Finally, he stops and the reeling must begin. I start turning the reel as I had seen but this whole tug and wind out the slack thing complete eludes me.

(You see, so that you don't strain yourself too hard, you are supposed to tug back with your whole body, then lean forward as you reel so that you're merely reeling in the slack)

Had I thought this through during one of the first two hours of mindless sitting, perhaps my right arm wouldn't be burning as I fight this fish closer and closer. Did I mention that I'm not right handed? The others on the boat are continuing to scream with encouragement as I reel the fish closer and closer, and there is no giving up at this point. Not since the first time I laid my eyes on Swank magazine has my forearm ached, but as the fish gets close and flies out of the water, I see my competitor and I make the last of the reels.

The captain hooks the fish and everyone stares in amazement at the fish I have brought aboard.

A 3 foot, 30 lb. barracuda with teeth like a rabid dog sits in a pool of blood in the bin, flapping and snapping its final breaths. The biggest fish anyone caught that day, and the first fish I have ever caught in my life.

I have felt the power, I must kill again.

Oh, the Stories I Could Tell...

Well, I just got back from my trip and let me just tell you that the next few posts are going to be stellar. I don't quite feel like writing up a full post right now, and alot of these stories will need to be posted separately, so here's the sneak previews:

• The Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3 are taping in the Bahamas so I saw the midget pirate and the funny bearded old guy pirate just walking around and drinking
• I went fishing for the first time in my life and caught a baracuda
• I swam with Dolphins
• Amy was referred to as a "prejudice bitch" by an older black lady in the casino
• I continued to prove that a stingy Jew is a better haggler than any island inhabitant or Mexican
• If you think you have a drinking problem, hang out with Amy's co-workers and you'll realize what a drinking problem really is
• Amy punched me in the face twice last night

Check back soon, I'll give you the sorted details to go along with these headlines in the coming days.

Heading South

Just like the birds, the pool man must also head south in search of warmer climates. Unfortunately, I'm only going for a week, not the whole Winter. Fortunately, I'm leaving tomorrow for Our Lucaya in the Grand Bahamas, just in time for the first snow/rain mess that's supposed to hit DC.

Amy's work is flying all of the managers and a guest to the island to stay for the week...free of charge. Plus, they're giving us a $600 hotel credit to work with. Talk about a nice Christmas bonus.

So, as you can imagine, there won't be any new blog entries for at least a week. I'm sure I'll have some nice pics and stories when I get back though. In the meantime, when you're shoveling the slush off your driveway, you can think of me sitting on a beach having overpriced drinks brought to me. See you when I get back.

Special Shoes

As expected, I've made fun of one too many retarded guys and god is now punishing me...well, at least this is part one of the punishment.

About five weeks ago or so, my right arch in my foot started to bother me. I assume the pain was caused by my 5 year old Timberland work boots which I've been wearing not that it's getting colder, or possibly my 4 year old cleats that I wear to play outdoor football. More than likely, it's a combination of both. The pain started off with just a mild discomfort, but by now it has gotten to the point where I can barely walk barefoot after playing any sort of sport. Something needs to be done.

So, I go to the Wizards game on Wednesday night. No, not to fix the foot problem, I just went to watch the Wizards play...bear with me here. They won the game, and there were some great highlights from the on-court action. But the true highlights for me were off-court, in Section 102, directly to my left.

It was during warm-ups that I first noticed them. Yes, THEM. There were two. Two of my old buddies from high school...none other than JP and Mongo (that's what we'll call him at least, I never knew his name). They are big time Washington sports fans. Some might even consider them superfans with their respective Nationals and Redskins Starter jackets, poorly shaped Capitals and Wizards caps, and large foam fingers. Hell, this is the third sporting event I've personally seen them at this year! Yes, even I would consider them superfans. Retarded Superfans.

I immediately call my buddy Kupe to let him know of my sighting, overwhelmed with joy. And then, I notice him...sitting about 10 rows up from the Superfans, directly to my left at the end of the section. Could it be? Am I so lucky? Yes, there is a dwarf sitting in the same section as two retarded guys. God has truly blessed me this evening. Or has he?

As if from the bible, God is quick to punish me for my mockery. I woke up Thursday morning with more pain in my right arch than ever before. Something definitely needs to be done now.

So Thursday night, I'm at the mall with Amy, buying new shoes with extra arch support and "special" inserts. Yep, special. It's not Down Syndrome special, but the process has now begun. It won't be long now before I get an incurable cramp in my hand, an uncontrollable urge to hug everyone and will spit up on myself.

Crap, that sounds like my typical Saturday night. ("We should have listened!")